P*ssed off with au pair - am I overreacting?

[Mumpbump]

Our au pair didn't come home last night and sent us a text at 23:30 saying she had missed the last train home from London - 45 minutes before the last train left! She was watching the football which finished at 22:30 so there is no real reason for her not to have made it home.

I'm irritated because I feel that we have been very accommodating and helpful to her generally and she has lied to us which is completely "disrespectful". It is not the second or third time she has lied to us, all about silly things. She is meant to be leaving at the end of the month so there is an issue about whether this is a sign of things to come, but do you think it would be unfair to ask her to go sooner in the circumstances? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

She looks after our ds for the whole day on Mondays, but we have someone else lined up to take over anyway. I feel leaving ds in the care of someone who is not honest is questionable, but again wonder if I'm being overprotective...

Any comments welcome! Thanks...

Bloody hell, she's 27 and she puts up with you bossing her about? Sorry, I think you're being totally unreasonable then. She's not a teenager out in the big wide world for the first time.

And I agree that the reason she stayed out was exactly because she was having a nice time with her boyfriend and other friend who lives in London, but I still don't like being lied to...

well I suppose she went out to watch the football and a better offer came up. She's 27. I would expect her to turn up for work no matter where she spent the night-I would see that as her responsibility, but if I was 27 I would have found that having t ask permission to stay out very odd tbh.

Oh well, you've made up your mind you are in your right to know how a 27 year old spends her nights. I notice now this isn't on the AIBU threads either, so I'll leave you to it.

We are never going to tell a 27 year old that she must come home or can't stay out - we don't dictate to her what she can or can't do, we simply ask to be kept informed so that we can decide what we want to do vis-a-vis childcare. In my experience, responsible adults don't tell stupid lies to excuse their actions; they communicate openly with you. It's an issue of trusting her and, more importantly, trusting her with the care of our ds.

She's 27!...In that case I think it'd be reasonable to allow her a bit more freedom & just make it clear no matter where she spends the night she's to be back in time in the morning to start work!

So do you think the fact that she lied to us for the second or third time to be irrelevant? It is the lie that has p*ssed me off, not the fact that she stayed out overnight as some people seem to think.

She lied to you, and it's a big deal to you, even if it's a tiny lie. Perhaps she told you the truth on previous occasions and found your replies not worth HER trust and honesty. Just part on amicable terms, why work yourself up, unless you feel guilty about something yourself?

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable, she's 27, she turned up on time- think its a bit odd that she felt the need to lie rather than text and say "won't be home tonight see you tomorrow, will be back at 7am so can do nursery run" but it sounds like she was worried about getting in trouble if she told the truth.

A 27 year old woman is being asked to explain her whereabouts on her time off to her boss, albeit some of that time off was given to her at her boss's discretion.

This amount of interest in my private life would have me fibbing to protect my privacy, and it would confuse me - why the interest? what do they want to hear?

I think she's taking the pee if she's not at work, sober, presentable and in a fit condition to work. Living in your house, obv she should abide by the house rules, but I think I would word 'agreeing in advance' differently,if that's how it was worded originally. One might infer permission is needed to stay out, which I don't believe you think is the case.

Fron a Nannies point of view, sometimes we like to keep a little bit of our lives private & just sometimes we may feel rather silly having to ask for permission (at 27yrs old!) so tell a white lie instead.

I had a Employer who thought it was perfectly reasonable for me to stay in every night apart from my day off...So on a Thursday night I went out clubbing til 6am & started my work at 7:45am!

Sometimes Employers are more than unreasonable.

I think you have a valid point about her taking liberties with respect to her working hours.

But, in all honesty, a 27 year old does not need (and probably does not want) a new set of parents. My current nanny was 21 when started with us. The house rules ask that she let us know if she will not be coming home as a courtesy so we don't worry about her if she is not there. But, I certainly don't expect her to ask permission. She would never do this during the week simply because her work day with us, when she is expected to be showered, dressed, and ready for work, begins at 6:30am. So, if she didn't come out I dare say she'd be the one who was sorry the next day. If she didn't show p for work at 6:30, then I'd be mighty unhappy but that has never happened.

But, at 27 I don't think you can expect to govern what she does or doesn't do outside of her work hours.

I really think there is a lack of communication here -- does she realise thay you expect her to ask permission? Or does she think "oh I'll just call and let them know and it will be fine".

One time I was on a business tripin Atlanta and I didn't want to go to the airport. So I cancelled my flight stayed on to party and took the first flight out in the morniing and went straight to work. I showed up at work on time. Nobody asked me where I slept.

the employer said you were only allowed out one night a week How long were you in that job?

She's probably lying because you have her on a ridiculously tight rein. At 27, I would stay where I wanted when I wanted and not answer to someone trying to control me.

As long as she is doing the job then there shouldn't be a problem. She'll probably be glad to leave your regime.

We have never said no to any of her requests for time off when she is meant to be working. All we have ever said is that if she wants to stay out overnight, we would rather agree that she didn't come back to take ds to nursery because we are both time-pressured in the morning and don't want the extra stress of worrying whether she is going to be on time or late. That's what bugs me - I don't understand why she felt the need to lie!

Gess, after a couple of months & a call to my Agency that was soon sorted out!

She never ever realised I wsa looking after the children still drunk/sleepless either!...I'm an insomniac anyway!

Hang on a minute, so in effect you are telling her that if she wants to sleep elsewhere than she has to agree not to work the next morning, so losing money, or having to do some other time at your convenience, even if she would have been home on time. Because you don't like the extra stress. has it happened before that you had to worry whether she'd turn up or not, or was she not even given the chance beforehand?

Perhaps you should try treating her like an adult, I made it back from Kent to NW London on time to start my work at 7:45am a few weeks ago!...If the train had been late I'd have jumped in a cab!

And for the record, I don't care what she does in her spare time and don't want to know who she is knocking around with. I just don't want to be lied to in circumstances where if she had simply rung and said I would like to stay out overnight, we would have said fine, we will take ds to nursery tomorrow morning. I don't quite understand how me asking if I am overreacting by being p*ssed of at being lied to by somebody who is a member of my household translates to being a dictatorial employer who wants to know what their employee is doing in their spare time...

Has she ever been late? I would expect a 27 year old to understand that she has to turn up on time. I have 4 people between the ages of 17 and 23 working for me. I expect them all to turn up on time and they do.

What happens if she misses taking the children to nursery? Does she then have to make up the time elsewhere? Or does she miss out on pay?

Cristina - she gets paid a fixed weekly allowance for doing a nominal 25 hours a week (whilst she in reality probably does about 15 hours a week). She gets paid extra for any extra hours beyond those 25 hours so there is a baseline which is not affected by the number of hours she does or does not do.

Mumpbump, happily for you you'll never know the feeling of having to call an Employer at 27yrs old to ask if it's ok if you stay out!

Believe me I'd rather lie!

lying not on - but how certain are you that she lied this time? May have been a mix up?

I think the key to this is that you may be unwittingly giving her this message:

You can stay out overnight, BUT we don't trust you to get back on time, so we'll have to rearrange our mornings because of you.

Not possibly what you meant, but she might infer a wee bit of emotional blackmail from that.

It does seem as if she needs to ask permission to be out overnight, though. Is the nanny going to live in?

tbh, I have a good understanding of why she lied.

ST- were your employers embarrassed? (sorry, one of myf friends was a nanny for years and some of her stories fascinate me )