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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

P*ssed off with au pair - am I overreacting?

158 replies

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:19

Our au pair didn't come home last night and sent us a text at 23:30 saying she had missed the last train home from London - 45 minutes before the last train left! She was watching the football which finished at 22:30 so there is no real reason for her not to have made it home.

I'm irritated because I feel that we have been very accommodating and helpful to her generally and she has lied to us which is completely "disrespectful". It is not the second or third time she has lied to us, all about silly things. She is meant to be leaving at the end of the month so there is an issue about whether this is a sign of things to come, but do you think it would be unfair to ask her to go sooner in the circumstances? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

She looks after our ds for the whole day on Mondays, but we have someone else lined up to take over anyway. I feel leaving ds in the care of someone who is not honest is questionable, but again wonder if I'm being overprotective...

Any comments welcome! Thanks...

OP posts:

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CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 15:47

If you didn't know whether she was in our out of your house till this morning, then what's the big deal? What if she hadn't texted you at all, turned up in the morning, told you she slept in her bed all night. Would you have gone through her bedclothes to see if they'd been used?

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:47

Why wouldn't you trust her with your ds... because she lied about the train?!?

I assume you like her & she's a good Au-Pair (even if she is too old)???

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:49

I have on occasion gone out running before my Employers have risen...I could have been out all night!

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 15:50

Well, she was obviously trustworthy enough for 7 months. Now MB has someone else lined up I think it makes her feel better to think that she's doing it because the au-pair is at fault, rather than because her communication style may not be all that great either.

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 15:50

There are no boys allowed in my house when I am not home, unless I have granted permission ahead of time. If she is still on duty, then boys are not allowed upstairs. Call me a prude. But those are the rules in my house.

ST, I would not say okay to boyfriends staying over if I didn't personally know the boyfriend quite well. Even if I wasn't home.

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 15:52

I think some of you are being a bit hard on mumpbump. She is entitled to be annoyed about being lied to. If my nanny lied to me, I would be pretty unhappy about it to. I just think that since the au pair is leaving anyway, I'd let things run their course rather than upsetting the house even more.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 15:54

I can see she is annoyed but that's because she imposed a bit of an unreasonable rule which was bound to be broken. That's what I said too, let it go, part on amicable terms.

soak · 02/05/2007 15:55

TBH I think its common courteousy to let whoever you are living with know where you are (though not nesessarly what you are doing )

I am 26 but when I moved back home last year while buying my house, if I was going to be stopping at my boyf's I called and let mom know so she wouldn't think that I had been mugged and left for dead on the bus home!

regardless of how old this woman is, mumpbump has a responsibility to her au pair's family to ensure her safety - what if the woman had got the train home but something happened on the way back and mumpbump just assumed that she was stopping at her boyf's? try explaining that in a foreign language to a grieving parent.

fair enough, au pair shouldn't have lied - she probably even knew she would be stopping at boyf's house but didn't want to lose a mornings work and have to make up time at the weekend (which is probably why she lied)

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:59

Eleusis, Perhaps she is right to feel slightly annoyed re the white lie but the white lie wouldn't have been told if the Nanny didn't feel uncomfortable with the set up!

My Employers trust me 100% & know I won't be bringing home any old Tom, Dick or Harry!...They don't know all of my Friends/Family seen as they live 100's of miles away, not really possible to meet people beforehand.

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:00

Gosh I do the school run (walking before anyone jumps down my throat ) and I come back to a full blown argument.

An Au Pair is NOT an employee. They do not get paid - they get pocket money, they live with you and are part of your family. You are not their boss. What you have to do see it from the point of view as if you were her surrogate mother - would you put up with your 27 year old daughter lying? I know I wouldn't put up with my 9 year old doing so. But other mothers would and would see it as part of the make-up of a young woman. So everyone is different and we all expect different things from our family in the way that we bring our children up. Life would be so boring if we didn't

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:04

You beat me to it Soak!!

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 16:06

I have a feeling some haven't read the whole thread!

The issue is the Nanny/Au-Pair telling a lie not whether or not she stayed out!

soak · 02/05/2007 16:08

makes a change!!! normally I spend so long typing that everyone has put what I wanted to!!! - not that I am a slow typist, its that I am meant to be working so have to keep minimising MN screen when the office door opens!!!

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:10

Oh the joys of work and being able to mumsnet all day - I do miss it!

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 16:11

"The issue is the Nanny/Au-Pair telling a lie not whether or not she stayed out!" I think most people have agreed lying is bad but understandable given the over-controlling situation she found herself in. Something like that.

Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 16:18

She doesn't have to make up time at a weekend. We asked her twice to make up days of 5 hours at the weekend and both times she turned up late and only worked for an hour or two - disappeared off to the pub with her boyfriend whilst ds was having a nap and told us to call her when he was awake. So we have asked her to count some of her basic time that she has off towards when she looks after ds on Monday instead. Bearing in mind that the reality is she only does 15 hours a week in addition to the Mondays (for which she gets extra pay), I don't see why she should work even less and not have to make up the time.

From my point of view, if you are (albeit informally) contracted to work certain hours a week for which you get paid and you are asked to make them up in time when you would normally be working (so, I guess you lose some money in that you are not then working as many ADDITIONAL hours), I don't think there is anything wrong in being asked to make up the time. It's not like we dock her allowance because she doesn't work the contractual 25 hours a week...

OP posts:

Aloha · 02/05/2007 16:19

V amusing to think that you are in loco parentis to a 27 year old. And also that your adult daughter would never lie to you if you tried make her ask permission to stay out at night.

Original poster

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 16:19

When I was living at home at the age of 28, I also used to let my parents know if I was staying out because I considered it a courtesy and wouldn't want them to worry about me if I didn't come home, but I guess that is different families with different approaches.

OP posts:

NKF · 02/05/2007 16:21

She's too old to be an au pair really. She probably doesn't want to live in someone else's house and adapt to someone else's environment. And if I was paying for childcare, I'd hate to have to re-arrange because someone couldn't get their act together to get home on time. Is that what happened. Personally if the new person could start, I'd let her go. What's the point in dragging it out?

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:22

I never lied to my parents - well I did it once when I stayed out and thought I'd sneak in but they realised I'd been out all night. I thought I was in for a rollicking but they were as nice as pie and just said next time tells us you won't be home and I did. In fact, I used to go out from Friday night and come home on Sunday evening.

Aloha · 02/05/2007 16:22

She DID let you know though! Or at least, tried to.
I think it would be wrong to make your adult child ask your permission to stay out. And in this case she is not your child. She is your employee.
So, if you wants to spend the night elsewhere, you effectively dock her pay?

I think it's a good thing this arrangement is coming to an end.

NKF · 02/05/2007 16:23

Mumpbump, why don't you make her work the 25 hours a week? Usually I mean.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 16:25

When I was living at home I couldn't even stay out overnight. I also had my mum going through my pockets to see if she could find any cigarettes. lots of other things, too humiliating to think about. I vowed I'd treat my children with more respect.

NKF · 02/05/2007 16:25

I wouldn't let her have a boyfriend overnight either. It goes back to my original point, she's way too old to be living like this and it was unlikely to work out for long. She should be flat sharing and having a high old time. Not living in someone else's house.

gess · 02/05/2007 16:26

If my mother had expected me to agree in advance if I wanted to stay out when I was 27 I would have thought she was insane.

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