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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au pair took drugs. WWYD?

236 replies

WhatTheDickensian · 02/07/2016 22:17

We have a lovely Australian au pair who is 19. She's been with us since Christmas and Is a lovely girl.

Last night I got a call in the middle of the night because she was in hospital. It turns it she took ecstacy while drinking and she had a fit. Shes still in hospital but is going to be fine.

What should I do? Would others keep her employed to care for their kids? She is a good au pair and the kids are close to her. She and I get on very well. But on the other hand she took drugs last night when she was due to come back to our home and to look after the kids at 3pm today.

She has apologised profusely.

WWYD?

OP posts:
balence49 · 03/07/2016 09:54

To be fair if you have a serious talk with her this morning whilst she's on a come down I imagine that might be off putting enough.

PovertyPain · 03/07/2016 10:00

If you can afford it, book her into a cheap, but not nasty, hotel as soon as you get a new au pair. Hopefully the experience of ending up in hospital and losing her job will make her wise up. She's young and has made a stupid mistake, but will hopefully have learnt from it, but you can't put your children at risk, OP. It's a very sad situation for everyone involved, but she was the one that caused it.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/07/2016 10:12

Why would you need a replacement so soon, is there a reason you can't look after the dc on your own for a while like health issues?

harshbuttrue1980 · 03/07/2016 10:12

When you take on an au pair, you are taking on a teenager. You get to save costs compared to a professional nanny, but you have to accept that teenagers do silly things from time to time. Like a lot of people here, I've experimented with drugs in my teens and it did me no harm - this girl was just unlucky and got caught out. She took the drugs away from your home and on her night off, not around your children. If you do decide to get rid of her, then you might well regret it as she sounds like a wonderful, one in a million type of aupair. I always think of au pairs as being like nieces. If your niece had come to stay with you and was going to look after your kids the next day, how would you react if she'd taken drugs the night before? That, to me, would be my guide as to how I'd act.

Original poster
WhatTheDickensian · 03/07/2016 10:18

I cannot take time off. I run my own business from outside the home. At best I could take a day or two off. An agency could fine me a new au pair within days, I can't really do without for more than a week during which time I would have to call in a lot of favours from friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheDickensian · 03/07/2016 10:20

Harsh - If my niece came to live in my spare room rent free with an agreement that's should would care for my kids then I would expect her to act responsibly. If she did the same as this au pair I would tell her she needed to vacate my spare room so I could give it to someone who could be responsible. To be honest I feel more loyal to this au pair than I would my niece so I cannot really use that as a guide.

OP posts:
acrustlessquiche · 03/07/2016 10:40

Personally, if I were caring for someone else's children I wouldn't party like that, and I'm one of those people who thinks all drugs should be decriminalised.

Whilst I understand that she's young and wants to have a life, I think that she should take on different employment for now.

My friends and I, at that age, were working as waitresses and in other roles where we were not directly responsible for anyone. If we went into work on a comedown/hangover and did a bad job, we would have been sacked but no damage would've been done to anybody. The worst that could happen would be a dropped plate or something put into the till incorrectly, and the only person who would have suffered would have been us as a result of our managers' wrath.

I turned 21 and began working in the NHS. All drinking and drug use ended for me overnight. It was a personal decision because I felt it was the right thing to do. If she can't decide that for herself, she is too immature to be an au pair at the moment.

DiggersRest · 03/07/2016 10:42

I think suspecting your AP parties too hard and actually knowing they do means you have to let her go.

I hope your AP is ok. I'm going to PM you.

ilovesooty · 03/07/2016 10:52

If the agency can find you someone else within days I'd be wondering about their vetting processes.

It all sounds rather "easy come easy go" to me. I hope your next venture proves more successful.

DiggersRest · 03/07/2016 10:54

Sorry WhatThe my PM went through numerous times but wasn't telling me! Didn't mean to spam you Blush

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 11:00

soup why do you keep ignoring the fact that it's the after effect of the drug that's the issue? Do you honestly believe that the AP would have been straight even though you have claimed you have read the side effects?

So you really wouldn't care if your CC provider was on a come down while you were dropping your kids off?

No, It's not like a hang over or still being pissed at work. It can be fucking dangerous. Yep some people might ride a come down easily but most people have issues and why would you risk that? Are you a regular drug user? Serious question that.

If I employ some one to look after my children, I do not want them to be irritable, tired or depressed - possibly flash backs, memory loss, lack of concentration because they chosen to take an illigal drug. These are not figs she is looking after.

I took Es from when I was 14 - 25. Has some fantastic night, some fucking dodgy ones and some appalling come downs. Me and my friends used to call it suisidal Wednesday because that's when our real come down would hit and our heads would be up our arse. By Saturday we would be fine and back on it again.

Just shocked that some posters think that 'one little pill' is an issue. Tbf in my experience we could have any where between 1-5 depending on the strength. One pill taken at 9pm won't keep you going till 6am.

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 11:09

Dogs not figs Grin

AmberNectarine · 03/07/2016 12:19

2nds I can't engage with you any more - way too antagonistic.

OP from your more recent posts it sounds like this was not a first time experimentation, so on balance I think you've made the right choice. Great that you gave it proper consideration rather than a knee jerk reaction. Hope the process isn't too painful for you.

Original poster
WhatTheDickensian · 03/07/2016 12:51

I told her my decision and she was distraught. She asked for a second chance and swore she would comply with any conditions I set. She even suggested that she have a curfew. She also suggested a drugs test without me mentioning it.

I said I would think about it and tell her my decision in the morning. Now I'm leaning back to keeping her.

OP posts:
Kittyrobin · 03/07/2016 12:59

I would not have someone who smoked canabis and took pills caring for my children or living in my house.

Haggisfish · 03/07/2016 13:06

Oh I'd keep her. Sounds like she has certainly learned her lesson.

bumsexatthebingo · 03/07/2016 13:16

Stick to your guns op. Even if she isn't using herself on nights out her friends will be and there is till the chance she'd be getting them for friends etc and having them on her person. Plus you are doing her no favours to let her think she will get second chances over things like this if she wants to work with children - or in a lot of other careers actually.
I get that you like her but your primary loyalty should lie with your children.

LouBlue1507 · 03/07/2016 13:20

I get that you like her but your primary loyalty should lie with your children

Are you really willing to risk the safety of your children for this girl all because she shed a few tears and told you what you wanted to hear?

LouBlue1507 · 03/07/2016 13:20

** This exactly under quote!

OhThatThingAgain · 03/07/2016 13:23

I'd talk to her, lay down the law. If she has been good in all other respects then I'd give her a two strikes and you're out warning. I'd not mince my words.

I too was young once, and did stupid things.

She's been living in a new country, probably for the first time. She's got involved in a party scene, she's been having fun, she's 19 so practically a child in my eyes. If one of my teenage nieces did this I'd be supporting them while showing my total disappointment (hypocritical as it would be).

She's had a nasty shock, I'd bet she won't be doing it again. I'd be trying to build up trust, rather than fire her. I'd be treating her like family (she's an au pair not staff). I say this (even as an employer), she's young, she fucked up, imagine how she feels today. Let her stew then cut her some slack.

Branleuse · 03/07/2016 13:25

I would hope she had learned her lesson and give her another chance, but warn her that even the slightest whiff of any other drug related stuff, and she is out, no matter how much you like her.

Dozer · 03/07/2016 13:38

I would still let her go as my trust would be gone, especially given you already suspected she was overdoing the booze/possibly drugs, and I couldn't be arsed having to think about curfews and such! She should have behaved more responsibly before this incident - my friends and I were all APs or in childcare jobs at that age and younger, and wouldn't have "partied" that hard the night before work.

She will be very worried indeed about not being able to get another job and having to go home early etc, but that's not your problem.

Dozer · 03/07/2016 13:45

People questioning the screening by agencies of APs found quickly - if OP lives somewhere popular like London it's not very surprising that lots of people are lining up for jobs, already checked out etc.

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 13:50

Ah well your kids your choice I suppose. Let's just hope you don't live to regret it.

You should toughen up as an employer though op, she isn't your friend. You pay her wages.

strawberryblondebint · 03/07/2016 14:13

Op I think you should give her another chance. I really think she has had a wake up call and if you and the kids really like her then it will be harder to replace her. I doubt she thought much about taking e and it was a spur of the moment decision. I very much doubt she will take another dangerous drug.

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