Starting new nanny job pregnant!

[Seb101]

Hi all,
After some advice.... I have struggled with infertility for years. I recently did another round of ivf. My current nanny job is finishing next month, and I've been job hunting for a while. I went to an interview and have been offered a job. When I went for the interview I was in the middle of my ivf cycle. I was asked at the interview if I intended to have any more children (I already have a 5 year old) I had to lie and say 'no.' I have now accepted job and am due to start in two months time. Two weeks after accepting job I found out my ivf has been successful!!!! I absolutely over the moon happy.
BUT now I am due to start a job pregnant! By start date I'll be 12 weeks!
I can't afford not to work! I went for job believing ivf would fail, as it always has before!
Part of me thinks I should be honest, tell them, and let the
find someone else. But I NEED this job. I feel terrible because the family have cancelled there previous childcare and will be stuck if I let them down. But if I start I will only be able to work about 5 months max, then I'll have to leave. The family made it clear they wanted a long term nanny, and I reassured them I wanted this too.
Any advice? I'm torn between doing what's right for me; start job and leave whenever I need to, and putting family first by telling them and them most probably withdrawing job offer. No contract has bee signed yet.
Help! .......

I don't disagree, I'm merely saying that not everyone is perfect and some people do oddly put the needs of their children over the needs of their fellow but not close to them woman. I agree they are in the wrong, but I don't think it makes them cunt of the century.

Ive just reread the original post does that mean you are only maybe 1 month pregnant. Wait a while, take your time before making any decisions. Its such early days

countess nicely put. would like to add hands up all that has never left fudged a reason for leaving a job by saying I was offered just such a great opportunity (I could stand my new boss or whatever). People lie all the time, its a psychological truth.

Well happy chappy since op is not planning to return to work after babe is born.... and huge congrats btw as I know what's it's like to struggle to conceive and need intervention ... I presume there must me some sort of financial set up in place to facilitate that once maternity allowance or pay stops. That's what I I had in place when I was trying to conceive.

If op NEEDS a job why get pregnant ?

It's not like this is an unplanned pregnancy even if it's taken a long time and success is never assured.

Laurie, fail to see why its such a big deal she is not staying forever. People dont stay in nanny jobs for long. average 2 years I would say. Also even without the pregnancy they might hate each, not get on etc. A million other things may mean the relationship between the family and nanny just doesn't work. Also many children have many different care providers and cope perfectly well. Unless there is special needs where forming attachments or need to manage change more than any other child is necessary, I really don't see it as an end of the world type problem.

Tazzle Who knows, none of my business. stand by my last comment

'today she lies about pregnancy what can she lie about tomorrow'

Of course she can lie about being pregnant when you ask if shes planning to have more children if she wants the job - that would be perfectly reasonable.

The person in the wrong is the person asking about when you're having children.

The person in the wrong is the one not hiring someone in case they're pregnant.

Not the employee who needs the job and expects not to be hired if they say they're pregnant.

And you actually stated you would look for a reason to fire her if she was pregnant and hadn't told you! She does not legally have to tell you until 25 weeks.

You're either prepared to comply with employment law or you're not. And you're clearly not.

I don't think op will be coming back after the completely unfair criticism she is receiving here.

She was completely within her rights to not answer candidly a question which the employers had no right to ask.

I wonder how many of the nanny employers here bleating criticism who be happy if they had a job offer recinded due to pregnancy or were made redundant?

Nannies have employment rights just like any other employee.

Totally right. If you ask a question you really shouldn't have, you can't complain about getting a lie in return, can you?
I got "made redundant" yeah fucking right when pregnant and was nearly impossible to get a job once I was showing. I ended with temp journeyman work which was a nightmare.
OP, do what you need to do, sure it sucks for the other side a bit but what can you do?

If I was the employer I would rather you told me ASAP that your circumstances had changed. I think if you were receiving fertility treatment you shouldn't have said that you were looking for a long term position especially as you have no plans to return after the baby. It does rather damage trust to start the job announcing that you will be off in 5 months time max.

As a woman who has needed fertility treatment I would probably not say anything until the 12 weeks scan. This said you will be needing time off for medical appointments, you might be very nauseous/unwell, you might be carrying twins, etc. in my line of work though you only get benefits if you have worked a whole year and then return to the job.

My children all go/went to nursery as friends' experience of a nanny put me off. After just a few months their nanny went on long term illness and they found themselves having to pay her sick leave plus full time nursery for their two children. They were just teachers and it almost bankrupted them. Eventually one of them had to resign in order to look after the children and the nanny was made redundant. Distressing for everyone.

I can't believe what I read here. Some posters seem to think that a nanny should put the needs of the family and children she works with before her own family...

This is a job. I am sure children will get over the fact that they have to change of nanny... Yes, it is annoying. But you act like the nanny is the heart of the family and she is commiting a betrayal by even applying for a job, when she didn't plan to commit for 12 years.

And OP wouldn't even have to think about not telling her employers if there wasn't 60% of risk they will be upset at her/fire her

This is appalling.

I am not an employer aso you don't have to worry about me @LaurieFairyCake :)

I clearly remember saying that I didn't agree with the family asking these questions and I didn't say I would want to fire her BECAUSE she was pregnant, but because she would have LIED and OMITTED things from me. You really seem to be too focus on the pregnancy thing and the fact that you think all people who think she should be upfront are monsters who will abuse their nanny or child care provider, that's a shame.
I believe that the relationship family-nanny should be based on trust and respect and that communication is the key. I never denied the fact that she was within her rights not to tell her employers that she was pregnant, I said it was in my opinion morally wrong to do so knowing they'll be put in a very difficult position when she has to leave because of her.

As a Nanny/Au Pair, I know better than to apply for a job that I won't fit. I appreciate the fact that parents trust me with their kids and in exchange I want to make sure they can always trust me and that this trust isn't put at risk by me lying etc... I don't think, if I was to hire a nanny myself I would have too high expectations by wanting someone reliable and honest ? In her case, I am mostly thinking about her and her baby.
She obviously went through a lot to get pregnant so putting herself under a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure to keep her secret at such an early stage isn't the smartest move in my opinion. She should focus on her pregnancy, because money comes and go but she's been blessed with a successful IVF and I think this baby is what should matter.
Therefore, I think she should tell them not only because it would be the right thing to do regarding the family but because if they decide to keep her (which they should) she could go to work every day without having to worry about them finding out, avoiding a possible miscarriage.

Most women don't tell their employers about pregnancy until way beyond 12 weeks - I fail to see why this should be any different. Employers all over the UK have to make allowances for women's rights when it comes to pregnancy/maternity by law & rightly so. Because it is the family becoming the employer in this scenario as opposed to a large employer they clearly feel entitled to information they legally aren't privy too. OP was put in a situation where she was forced to lie, because of their discriminatory question.

To discriminate against a woman because she is pregnant (especially after IVF) and hold the opinion that a non-pregnant/family finished candidate would be seen as preferable, is disgraceful.

The families children will be fine with a change of nanny if handled correctly - life changes all the time.
If this isn't a great example of that then I don't know what is.

Some people have put themselves on some mightily high moral pedestals whilst trying to shame the OP.

melimelo I think it's unfair (& inaccurate) to say keeping a secret, which she is legally allowed to keep for now along with every other UK female worker, will increase her chances of miscarriage.

Money does come and go, I agree. It comes from employment and goes towards paying for the roof over your head, nappies for the baby & food to feed the family.

melimelo it's unfair (and innaccurate) to say that OP keeping her pregnancy to herself for now, which she and every other female worker in the UK are legally able to do, will increase her chances of a miscarriage. Jeeze.

It's not up to family to decide whether to 'keep her' on the grounds of her pregnancy alone. Blatant discrimination.

Money does come and go. It comes from an employer, and goes towards shelter, bills & feeding your children. OP needs to work to support her family - these are the times we live in. Equality for all! unless you are pregnant & then you become a burden to your employer it would seem

Wading in to support Laurie.

The question was no more legal than asking her if she was a lesbian, or if she gave her husband blow jobs, or if she'd ever had an affair - and the family knew it which is why they prefaced it with "I know we shouldn't ask this"

Equally, I would say if the OP can't trust them to stick to employment law in this matter, how can she trust them? So please give it a rest about mutual trust and respect - they broke that first.

Oh, and OP also stated they didn't want nanny WOC - so her not going back may not be because she has "no intention" of going back (another emotive phrase) but because the family wouldn't want her back (and she would have no employment rights to go back )

If we could stop painting the family as hard done by saints, that'd be peachy.

Legally it may be ok not to tell them but ethically it seems to me that you should. They have searched for a nanny that fits their requirements for a long term nanny and it isn't you. But you are letting them think it is.

In their place I'd be furious, it is dishonest. You're starting a job knowing that you're going to drop them in the shit.

Good luck with needing a reference in the future.

If you want a form of childcare that doesn't leave you open to employer risks, use a nursery or childminder.

You can't have it both ways.

It will be obvious from the OP's Cv that she was pregnant when starting this job - the reference won't be necessary to discern this. Frankly, I'd handle that upfront in a future interview - "to my surprise and delight, IVF worked and so i was only at that job a short time"

If I took a reference from that family and they said "she lied in interview about planning more kids", I'd be judging the family, not her.

If OP doesn't start this job or another job, I have a feeling she may not qualify for maternity allowance even (I know she won't qualify for SMP)

OP, it makes sense to check out the MA situation. And congratulations!

I think the arguments stem because people have different work ethics. Personally, I don't think it's always about me me me in society. Yes there is employment law and personal rights but I don't think the world should run on that alone. Consideration for others, striving to do the right thing and not thinking of yourself as the focus of the world is what makes up any good employee - not just a nanny. When I go to work I don't think, oh I've a got a bit of a sniffly cold, I'm entitled to sick leave. I think, man up if I don't go in i'm letting my work colleagues down.
Minimelo sounds like you've got a great work ethic and you are/ would be a fantastic nanny.
Some of the rest of the posters on here make me really concerned about nannies work ethics and how easy it is to find a 'bad one'.
Thankfully I've got a fantastic one - who has great work ethic and I know would never do what OP is planning on doing.
I guess there's just just different people out there in the world with different standards/ethics.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint. Would I be inwardly disgruntled if a nanny I'd hired could only work for a few months, whatever the reason? Yes. Would I think I had any kind of moral high ground over it, especially when I'd asked an illegal question in interview? No. And I'd commence the hunt for another nanny to take over in due course.

I can't believe the hypocrisy on this thread! The only thing the OP has lied about is related to her pregnancy and care of her own children, which her prospective employer broke the law when asking!

You can't have it both ways. Either you are in favour of statutory equality laws and maternity rights or you are not. You can't say 'I want that unless it inconveniences me personally'.

Any employee could be off work for any number of reasons, whether related to pregnancy or other reasons (accident, long term illness etc) because we are all human beings and well, shit happens.

The law in this country (assuming the OP is in the UK) is that it is unlawful to discriminate against someone due to their pregnancy/maternity leave status or childcare responsibilities, and rightly so.

And I say that as a childfree person who frequently has to take on the work of people who are on maternity leave etc (highly specialised industry with hazards that exclude pregnant women from day 1 and where temps are impractical).

And if this employer is prepared to ignore this section of employment law, I would be questioning what else they are lapse with (health and safety, insurance, working hours, holidays etc etc).

Good luck with the pregnancy and your work too OP.

It is a horrible thing to do to both family and their children, who will be hoping to welcome you into their lived as a trusted adult long term. Joining a large company when pregnant and not mentioning it (who can absorb the impact and where the job is impersonal) is entirely a different thing to going into someone's home in a trusted personal role on the basis of a lie. They were wrong to ask you about pregnancy plans, but they are entirely reasonable to seek a candidate who can make a long term commitment to the role, and you know you cannot do that.

Should all women undergoing IVF disclose that at interview, if asked? Given the introduction of APL, should all men whose partners are undergoing it also disclose?

Or just nannies?