Parents sending children to cm while they are on holiday themselves

[susiemumof]

Not looking for a argument or aibu type thread.

Am new to cm and have a 6mo mindee 60 hours per week, mum has a day off next week (which she did not even need to tell me about) but has said she will still send said mindee as she would like a day to herself.

I actually offer a large discount on days when mindees are not with me so can't even put it down to wanting to get her monies worth.

Was just really wondering how common other childminders have found this?

It's obviously no problem for me to have the child and I am loving my new job, it just makes me a bit sad for the baby itswim.

the amount of flak she's had from all the mums who work and think this is normal is very telling

I don't think it is - and I don't think OP is getting flack from 'mums who work and think this is normal'. I think OP is getting flack (as are you) for being a CM who seems to think that what her client does regarding parenting HER OWN child is any of her business.

...and will you stop it with the 'sorry for the baby who mum barely sees'. There is nothing to feel sorry about, baby has no idea. Baby will not remember this period in her life. Maybe feel sorry for the mum instead who may have NO CHOICE but to work. Again - OP has NO IDEA what mum is doing...she may not be having a 'day off' - she might not be at work, but who knows what she is doing instead. Not the OP and not you.

"We are judging you for being judgemental."

:o

But that's OK.

Judging for being judgmental is righteous judgment! :o

"...and will you stop it with the 'sorry for the baby who mum barely sees'. There is nothing to feel sorry about, baby has no idea. Baby will not remember this period in her life."

You keep saying that, but it's just utter bollocks.

Do you really think a 6 month old baby doesn't know who her mother is?

Or do you just think this 6 month old baby doesn't know?

And if the latter, how can you possibly claim with any authority that such an extreme lack of maternal bond at 6 months old is not harmful?

''There seems to be a lot of people with guilt about how they manage their own childcare on this thread! Why else would you all be so defensive and hurt if you really felt you were doing nothing wrong''

And I bet you're the kind of person to moan about those on benefits too. We obviously will never be as good a parent as you seem to think you are.

Maybe the Father is not involved? Maybe she works a 60 hour week and then looks after the baby all weekend alone.

My Dad used to look after my Daughter when she was tiny so I could spend 2 hours getting my hair done every few months, or have a sleep after working through the night and looking after a baby through the day. Every day. I suppose that puts me on a par with Baby P's mother.

No human can work 60+ hour weeks without a break for long periods of time without breaking physically and mentally. You begrudge this poor woman a day of rest?! And want her to feel GUILTY for breaking her back to provide for her child?!

What all these nasty simplistic people don't realise is that it is not always a CHOICE to work 60+ hour weeks, often it is SURVIVAL. I am sure they would be the first to jump on the fact that a child that didn't have enough to eat, was wearing clothes too small for them etc. Even if it was because the parents bowed to pressure from people like you not to work 'too many hours'!

"the amount of flak she's had from all the mums who work and think this is normal is very telling"

what do you mean?

what does it tell you?

Am I one of these mums who work? Or is it perhaps the case that you actually don't have a clue how often my child is in childcare not provided by a parent or how old he was before he received non-parental childcare of any kind?

Not that it matters one jot. I am capable of forming opinions about things without direct first hand experience because I am for the most part rational and intelligent enough to be able to appreciate that the way I choose to live my life is not the only way and certainly it's only the right way for me and my family.

As for the who's judging who the difference is that the op has a right of reply. This woman who none of us know (but some have been happy to condemn anyway) has no right of reply.

I'm not angry or upset.

Why would I get that worked up about words on my computer screen?

I have no guilt about how I parent my own children, I don't judge how others parent their children. I asked a question which was more about other childminders experiences but it has been totally taken over by guilt ridden parents.

Thankfully the mum in question does not seem to disrespect me as much as others on here disrespect their own childminders. If she post about me on the Internet so be it, that's life!!

Anything written on here wont make any difference to how I live my life, for those who are getting so worked up I suggest you get a grip!

"Maybe the Father is not involved? Maybe she works a 60 hour week and then looks after the baby all weekend alone."

Apparently the father is involved and has the baby all weekend, every weekend.

This is a woman who needs a lot of "me time".

Shit, I thought I was a crap mother :o

ah no, to say that your thread has been taken over by ''guilt ridden parents'' is really horrible and baseless, goodness me

PMSL @ "right of reply"

That's most threads on MN ruled out of order then.

Lolololo at the op not judging then referring to anyone who disagrees as a "guilt ridden parent".

Op do you understand what irony is? Because you clearly don't understand the verb "to judge".

I don't think I've ever felt parental guilt. I've felt anxious for my child, worried and even fearful but never guilty for doing my very best to be the best parent I can be.

Still think op should mind her own business unless the "care" she provides is mistreatment and then I would worry about the child. Child being properly cared for? Nothing to worry about.

Susie you obviously are judging or you wouldn't call working Mums 'guilt ridden'.

As for AThing you clearly have lost a grip on real life in your perfect mother bubble. I'm sure you have a lovely partner who shares the night feeds, takes the kids to the park so you can 'get on' and doesn't require you to work ridiculous hours just to feed your children as well as looking after the house, car, bills, washing etc. And you DARE to judge her a bad Mother?! Me time?! You haven't got a CLUE!

Are facts funny then AThing? What a strange sense of humour you have!

Are there such a thing as trolls on mumsnet (I'm quite new)? Because I must be being had.

I dunno, it does seem like there's a massive amount of defensiveness on this thread.

cf all the angst over whether your children's CM judges you

I'm with scottish - I couldn't give a shiny shite if the CM judges me.

Choosing your childcare based on where you think you will get judged least seems a very odd set of priorities.

I went with where I thought my children would form the strongest attachments.

But then I believe babies and toddlers form attachments that are an important part of their development even if they don't remember them later.

I guess if you think pre-schoolers are indifferent to who looks after them, choosing childcare based on who is in the weakest position to judge your parenting makes some sense.

Do you really think a 6 month old baby doesn't know who her mother is?

No - not what I said. I think a 6 month old baby has no concept of time. She could have been with another human for 5 minutes or 5 hours - there will be no differentiation for that baby. So why feel sorry for a baby being with a CM for 12 hours when a baby doesn't know how long 12 hours is. Would you feel sorry for a baby that was left with a CM for 1 hour? I doubt it. Babies do not have the cognitive power to judge time.

This is a woman who needs a lot of me time maybe this is a woman with PND - well done for that judgment. Maybe this is a woman forced to allow the father to take the child by the courts and is too scared to face him, which is why he picks up from the CM - well done for that judgement. Maybe this is a woman who is stuggling to pay the bills and ALSO works 12 hrs a day at the weekends.

We don't know, so taking the piss is a bit 'off' don't you think.

Guilt ridden parents . Nope not me, no guilt to be ridden with. Like I said, at least this thread has confirmed my decision NOT to use a CM - I'm a happy bunny in that respect

"but it has been totally taken over by guilt ridden parents"

right. What a totally revealing thing to say.
I get why you started the thread now. Arses to it and thanks for proving people right on this one.

Actually I am in the fortunate position that I don't really need to work, I do it to provide extra treats for my dc and because I love working with children

if you are lucky enough not to work then great, but then why on earth would you work 60hrs aka 7-7 mon to fri

tbh im sure your children would prefer a little more 'you' time then treats so why not cut down your hours to 8-6 or even 3 days a week

i am lucky enough to earn good money for 3 days hence why i work 3 days and not 5 -no way in the world would i go back to work 7-7 5 days a week as means you get no life

I'm not saying that all parents are guilt ridden.

Where did I say that they should be guilt ridden?

There is a lot of people on this thread who fit into this category though!

I think you might be getting a 6 month old baby mixed up with a goldfish.

You don't need to have much of a concept of time to be affected by barely seeing your parent during the week.

Time still exists even if you don't understand it. And less time = less care = weaker bond

" maybe this is a woman with PND - well done for that judgment. Maybe this is a woman forced to allow the father to take the child by the courts and is too scared to face him, which is why he picks up from the CM - well done for that judgement. Maybe this is a woman who is stuggling to pay the bills and ALSO works 12 hrs a day at the weekends."

Or maybe she just wants to go and get drunk in the afternoon. Or maybe she insists the Dad has the baby all weekend so she can go potholing. Or maybe she has another weekend baby she spends time with.

You're just making shit up now.

Going ballistic at someone because they wonder why a mother who barely sees her baby is choosing to spend even more time away from her is a complete overreaction.

It's a reasonable thing to wonder.

Maybe it is that this woman has few choices and that this day to herself is necessary. In which case she deserves sympathy.

Maybe it is the case that she is a selfish woman who doesn't prioritise her child's welfare at all.

Either is possible, surely?

Either way, I think it's reasonable to feel sad for a baby who through difficult circumstances, or inadequate parenting, will be yet another full day at the childminder.

Good summary, Athing

Susiemumof - you are very lucky you don't have to work and that having a bit of pin money is an option for you.

Obviously this is not the same for this woman. She has to work for her living. She is a single mother. She's probably exhausted. She probably needs to catch up with her life on a weekday when things are open. I wouldn't want to work 60 hour weeks, especially with a young baby, because i don't think I could cope with the disapproval from people.

The difference between you and me as professionals, is that I see children daily whose health has been comprimised by dodgy parental choices. But I don't choose to judge (and I'm sorry, but the whole sad baby thing smacks of judgement) their whole lives on it. They may be wonderful parents in other ways, far better than me. So looking at a single slice of life like time, or health, or education etc is unfair.

Poor woman, she just wants one day off!

I'm surprised at the comments that the baby doesn't really know who it's mum is. Dh works away a lot and yet my children definitely know who their dad is. He is very much the favoured parent.

Oh I'm not surprised Bonnie. MN is very reliable in its abhorrence of working mothers (although working fathers escape any kind of judgement whatsoever).

I think you might be getting a 6 month old baby mixed up with a goldfish Excellent use of sarcasm, I'm impressed

You don't need to have much of a concept of time to be affected by barely seeing your parent during the week Baby doesn't know she is barely seeing her parent. For all baby knows 12 hours is the same as 12 minutes.

*Or maybe she just wants to go and get drunk in the afternoon. Or maybe she insists the Dad has the baby all weekend so she can go potholing. Or maybe she has another weekend baby she spends time with.

You're just making shit up now* And you're not?

Going ballistic No-one has gone ballistic and OP isn't 'just wondering' she's 'Feeling Sad'

Maybe it is that this woman has few choices and that this day to herself is necessary. In which case she deserves sympathy yes, which is why being judgemental isn't helpful.

I must admit I am confused by you a little AThing. I see how helpful and understanding you can be on the Relationships Board, but you seem to lose that understanding here. Not a dig, genuinely. Just a musing. It surprises me that you dismiss what could quite easily be a correct 'bigger picture', going on some of the awful things we read on there as 'making shit up'

MN has made me far more understanding over the years. Things I may well have judged a person for, things I have never come across in my happy little bubble and seem so far from my 'norm' now seem quite possible. I am far more open to all possibilities now, which is why I would never presume the worst of someone. There are mothers (and fathers) out there going through and getting on with all kinds of shit that would break me into pieces - we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, so my immediate stance is to be supportive, not judgemental.

MN has made me a better person, for that I am very grateful.