Is SAHM better than childcare? Does no one worry?

[Zon]

In my home country the key discussion topic when mums talk about childcare is the impact of it. What will it do to your child (emotionally, developmentally etc.) if you are a working parent and your child sees you much less? Many parent find that at least one of the parents should be there for more than half of the week. Somehow it doesn't seem such an issue here. Is this true or have I just missed it? Do you worry about the impact of childcare on your baby/child?

eh? you could at least read posts properly before making incorrect assumptions. i said separation anxiety is a normal developmental phase (it is, it's well documented). how does that imply i don't support working mums?

(Why don't you use capital letters? It's very unusual)

Xenia, you are hideously aggressive. It is also unusual not to end your sentences with the appropriate punctuation - see your last post.

And sorry, yes I did mean separation anxiety re stranger danger.

I feel sad that the whole childcare debate which is meant to be centred on the good of the child always seems to be reduced down to some aggressive women claiming that only thick/dull women don't need to work. That is neither here nor there regarding the central issue of what is beneficial to children.

I am intelligent and certainly not dull - in fact ,for me, work is dullness. What is in my own life/own head is much more exciting! I have always pitied people who need work to make their own lives interesting.

Incidentally, I do find it amusing that some (ie not most) WOHMs seem to pity SAHMs for their 'dullness'. I remember my mum and granny have conversations pitying women who 'had' to work, seeing it as a come down ie that they were too poor to do otherwise. (Just sayin' .)

me? i don't use capital letters because i'm a lazy sahm, and distracted my my unruly kids beating each other up
why do you make such sweeping, inflamatory generalisations?

this is all great fun and very interesting but i'm a bit at the aggressive, judgy posts, making this is a sahm vs working mum debate.

Xenia and I live in different worlds.

In Xenia's world everything is polarised:

*you are either on 100k/year or living on benefits in a slum

*you have either received a highly expensive private education or you are totally uneducated, with no qualifications and probably incapable of stringing two words together

*you are either working fulltime all your life or you are never going to work again

*all intelligent people are exactly the same as each other, i.e. if Intelligent Person A would be unhappy doing a certain activity it follows that B must also either be unhappy- or that B cannot possibly be intelligent

In my world there are all sorts of shades:

*a good many people seem exist on a comfortable level between extremes

*there many different kinds of educational opportunities

*people do different things at different stages of their lives- some are SAHMs for a while and then either go back to work or forge themselves new careers; some even make different decisions for different children

*some intelligent people like one kind of lifestyle and some like another

I know which world I would rather live in. And it's not the one where everything is set in stone and everybody is judged according to the same pattern.

I do respect Xenia's concern for equality. But I don't see why it has to be combined with such constant devaluing of what other people do.

Xenia cannot debate well. Her standard method in any discussion is to attack anyone who disagrees with her point. I don't think she's as intelligent as she'd like to think she is...

cory, great post.

what cory just said :)

i would say childcare can work great for some children and their families, just as a sahp works great for other children and their families.

i do what works for MY family and i have some friends that work, others that dont, we are all just doing what works for us and as long as they and their families are happy then great! i dont judge someone for working and using childcare, and i would hope that they wouldnt judge me for choosing not to work. infact i dont think any of my friends do, i dont judge them, they dont judge me, we wouldnt be friends if they did!

Well said, Cory.

Xenia over-simplifies the issues every time.

I find her hostile tone towards other women annoying, too

(That is not a representation of my views although the principal issue is that the more housewives tehre are the more our daughters are damaged and the less likely women will ever move beyond owning 1% of the world's wealth and earning only 30% of its income - we have a long way to go and every woman becoming a housewife is like a little death and a stab in the back to other women)

If you have no respect for SAH parents, or for childcare as a profession (after all, professional child minders are hardly advancing your agenda either!), who do you think should look after children? Only men? Or only very stupid women?

Never mind.

Wow Xenia,that's offensive!

Oh look, the SAHMs and WOHMs are fighting again. Yawn.

To answer your questions, OP, no, I don't worry about it, because in my family no one person is more important than any other, DH and I don't make huge sacrifices for the children. So why would either of us give up careers we love? Life is too short to be a martyr and most children turn out OK in the end no matter what methods their parents employed to screw them up.

I've no doubt Xenia will keep doing whatever it is that makes her happy just as the rest of us will. I suspect our measures of what defines happiness or success vary considerably Xenia. But I wont be altering any of my plans because my choices feel like a 'stab in the back' to you.

I am quietly longing for the day when one of Xenia's children become a SAHP

I was wondering where we childminders fit in, actually - and all those other women who run businesses from home.

I was also wondering why the OP has started a near identical thread over in the Nurseries section and hasn't bothered to return to either.

Come on Xenia, what exactly is your problem with sahm's? Was your mum a sahm?? We all have ishoos you know, you don't have to label all sahm's as screw ups because of your ishoos.
What about the sahm's with sons? Can i carry on being a sahm because i don't have any daughters to screw up?

Are the sahms and wohms really fighting? What are we fighting about?! There just seems to be a lot of very happy parents who are confident that their working/non working/ part time working situation is perfect for them for various reasons. We're happy, the kids are happy, not sure were all the 'fighting' talk is coming from.

natural you are right it's ridiculous.
I don't see the need to bash working or none working mums.
I'm having to work at the minute.
I hate it. It's a well paid professional job and I absolutely can't stand working .
I would far rather be at home with my lovelies.
I really don't feel the need to work to feel ' fulfilled ' or ' independent ' or ' intelligent ' .
I think maybe it's difficult for some working mums to accept that SAHMs can be totally happy in their own skin .
I don't know. What I do think though is that a lot of critical comments are born out of insecurity in the person that's making them.
Either insecurity or boredom .

Mm yes Tanith, and OP from my advanced search, doesn't feature anywhere else on MNet apart from these 2 threads ..

that's what I was wondering NannyPlum. When I said much earlier in the thread "maybe that's just what they tell themselves to convince themselves that it's o.k to go back to work when they really want to be at home with their baby" I was well and truly flamed. I read a lot of guilt and insecurity in those responses.

you read as guilt because you assume guilt.projecting how you imagine people feel. and even if mums did protest no you've got it wrong you will probably dismiss that as denial. subjective interpretation of facts to suit your own pov

Both my parents worked when I was little, I went to nursery and loved it!
This has not harmed me and to be honest I probably benefited from it.

My youngest one is now 18 months and I will start working full time in february and I am not the slightest bit worried.

I am very sure all parents do what they think os best for their children.

I agree with scottishmummy. There seems to be this assumptions that WOHMs experience guilt. Just ain't true in most cases, unless the mum works because she really has no choice but doesn't actually want to.

Most do what they think is best. Some don't because they are ill etc. Plenty abuse their children.

However that doesn't mean we can't say XYZ is not best. Some might starve the children or feed them badly or neglect them or over fuss over them. In other words there are objective wrongs you can do to children and it behoves people to point that out.

Amazing. Thank you so much, I love all these heartfelt opinions! Clearly the debate is alive and kicking. And with very similar arguments as in my home country. And some new ones too!

Just to add my personal opinion is that what works best for mum and dad works best for the child. If you need to work to pay the bills or stay sane, that's certainly best for your child. And if you really enjoy being at home, that is definitely good for your child.