Is SAHM better than childcare? Does no one worry?

[Zon]

In my home country the key discussion topic when mums talk about childcare is the impact of it. What will it do to your child (emotionally, developmentally etc.) if you are a working parent and your child sees you much less? Many parent find that at least one of the parents should be there for more than half of the week. Somehow it doesn't seem such an issue here. Is this true or have I just missed it? Do you worry about the impact of childcare on your baby/child?

well it wasn't my intention to feed anyone's guilt or be smug, if anything i'm trying to understand the guilt of working women because i'm now starting to look for work or a course to retrain.
i appreciate it's hard to be sympathetic and understanding when i'm not in the situation myself, am i not allowed to try to understand it?

i'm not smug, i have as much guilt as anyone that my kids are missing out on something because i have convinced myself that being a sahm is the best option for me. i am the woman wondering whether to go back to work or be a sahm, that i mentioned in one of my previous posts, i'm wondering if i'll believe i'll be doing the right thing when i could continue to be a sahm for the time being.

i'm still not entirely sure what i have said/how i have said it that's been taken so offensively

that's my problem at the moment, it's not worth it for me to go to work until i can afford to do something like retrain on a full time degree. i was in a position where i had to give up work so have nothing to go back to.

i started out (pre dc's and v.naive) as one of the women who had an axe to grind with babies being put in full time nurseries so the mother could go back to work but after 3 kids and many hours reading MN posts i have been well and truely educated! when my friends went back to work i honestly wondered how they could do it when it was my intention to stay at home with my baby.

my problem with xenia's schtick is that it's all very rosy for her but she has a very well paid job and her kids are not babies/toddlers, so she can paint her picture all she wants about how great it is to be a guilt free working mother but it seems very unattainable for the majority.

Where is the OP (Zon)?

I am not a regular poster, but I have been a member for nearly 4 years - I have 3 children.

Over the years, I've noticed a pattern on mumsnet, almost like a sort of human baiting exercise. IMO, this thread is typical of such baiting. Write a wind-up OP comment, knowing that there is a good chance that it will turn into a sahm v wohm.
I've noticed this sort of baiting with other topics, formula and breast feeding, state education and private (including home education), vaccinating child v not vaccinating children.

What amazes me is people rise to the bait. These old chestnuts seem to occur with alarming regularity. Wouldn't it be simpler to refer OP to previous threads? There are enough of them!

But naturalbaby it's the undercurrent of your posts, if you feel your ready to go back to work then by all means get a concensus from working mums about what it's like, some will say they love it, others a necessary evil and they'd rather be at home...wordfactory has a very good arguement for working when the rewards dont seem that great till later on but you've kinda turned it into a SAHM v working mum war when probably the majority of us meet in the middle anyway

I may have been a bit snippy in some of my posts but let whatever you decide be guided by your decisions alone and I sincerely hope you find a balance that's right for you

God no referring to previous threads smacks of mn of yore we done that already and search the archives. Of course it's a recurrent theme it touches on most parents lives, and it resonates because there is so much personal subjective opinion, bit of quasi research from shitsville uni, and societal expectation and norms

It gets time and time again,and is perennial because for most of us it is lived experience

I'd never encountered notion of maternal guilt about putting baby in nursery til I met the precious moments mamas at post natal group and came on mn

i think in an ideal world under threes would be cared for by someone that loves them, either a parent or grandparent, or aunt or uncle.
theres lots of ways under thress can mix with other children, then at age three start out at preschool

but its not an ideal world and cost of living is huge so people do what they thinks best under their curcumstances.
which doing the best we can, is the best any of can hope for

Re: childcare not being just a neccesary evil - could not agree more.

I'm more worried that I won't be able to afford to send DD to nursery, actually.

Or that I won't find one I'm happy enough with.

Or that women will keep posting threads like this for the next umpteen years.

well if there is an undercurrent then it's fed by the assumption that this is a sahm v working mum war. i've said several times i was wondering how the mums in the middle feel and whether it is genuine.
fwiw, my 1st post on this thread was:
"sometimes it is better for a baby/toddler/child to be looked after by a trained, rested, happy adult with lots of resources rather than a stressed, depressed, anxious, bored mother stuck at home who doesn't want to/can't go out."

I don't get this whole children being cared for by grandparents thing. Many of us have parents who are either still working or enjoying a very active retirement. It should never be the default option. In my head the two options are do it yourself or pay a trained professional to do it.

For me there was never any question, why have a chid if you are going to hand it off at 6 months for somebody else to raise all day. I resigned my job and after 18 months or so registered as a childminder which I hated but it allowed me to stay at home with DD. The crap about being more than a mummy really riles me, you are a mummy if you have a child, that child comes first, at least until they start in school which is what 5 years out of your life? My DD is now 7.5 and I returned to teaching in the summer knowing I had given her the very best start in life. I have picked my career up where i left it now I know that its not at the detriment to my child's emotional well being.

BINGO!

House!the ole why have em if left with feral nursery nurses
I pay lots for wean to be ignored by whey faced staff on their iPhone soon as my back is turned.

But squiby being a teacher surely you will miss all your DD's sports days, concerts etc?

And what about the MN much trotted out wisdom that teachers work well ontpo the evening every night and spend much of their holidays preparing lessons? Doesn't that impact on the emotinal well being of your little one? How can you countenance that?

There was a post that mentioned 'full-time parent' earlier today too.

Frankly, I don't know why squiby bothered having children if she's just going to go back to a demanding job when her DD is so young. That poor child.

And all the precious moments she'll miss when she does parets evening and marking.

The housewives might think they have given their child the best start in life but they are wrong. They usually aren't intelligent to understand why that is not so and their posts tend to reveal their abilities in the way they write and the like. Plenty cnanot afford to work as they could never have gained the qualifications to earn more nor have they the abilities to found a business.

The bottom line is you benefit your child if you work and you can damage it if you stay home.

Hey don't get the teachers listing their 18hr day, marking weekend,no family time.not that speech again.don't know how they recognize their own kid with all the habitual work,work,work and long days and early starts

Those are the only posts more tedious than te SAHPs listing their qualifications and achievements.

Perhaps squiby could take it to a whole new level and post her qualifications and achievements as a SAH and a timetable of her arduous teaching day. Ta dah.

I see Xenia's managed to take a thoughtful thread and make it all about her again

Is there an alarm system in the bat cave or something?

larryg, I don't cry into my pillow at night. I can certainly remember with the first two or three children those times when (and it applise to fathers too and housewives) when you leave them and they cling to you which isn't much fun for anyone but they settle and do better for being able to be separate from you for some times and it allows them to bond with others.

I am not likely at my age in year 27 opr 28 of parenthood to be crying into my pllow at night. The youngest will leave prep school soon. I might be a grandmother in 5 years. I have a very long perspective. i was listening to myself on a tape cassette of me on Radio 4 about 20 years ago talking about working mothers, just before Christmas. I genuinely then and now think the children benefit and secondly that tehre is huge sexism around this issue. it's fine for sunny Jim to avoid housework and childcare and go to an office but as soon as his wife does the same accusations of emotional neglect are made. My children benefited from my being back at work when they were 2 weeks old. They have had lovely lives with consistent adults in their lives who love them. They have had time to talk to me because I earn enough to ensure I contract out dross stuff.
They have an example of a woman with lovely career. I was on the radio earlier today on something - for some reason I was asked about my island even though it was n't relevant. Life is fun with all sorts of thigns in it because I have chosen the balanced lif3e of good career and large family and I never gave up work. So very very many things result from that. I was speaking to soemone this afternoon whose children aren't doing too well, not going to univesrity etc.

I woudl put that down to being brought up in a situation with a mother who didn't work a not much money as a consequence. I suppose in part also because she was apparently alcoholic and not helped by our child contact laws which did not allow him much time with his chiildren and his left wing anti private scool views I suppose but at the core was the bad example of mother at home and the presentation to childlren that mothers earn nothing and live off men.

xenia the bottom line is you can benefit your child if you work and you can damage it if you stay home.

there are plenty of workaholic mums who spends their money on overpriced stuff for the kids to compensate for the time they haven't spent with their kids while they desperately try to remember who is supossed to be fetching jonny from after school club next tuesday. is that really better than a bored housewife who can't afford to take her kids to music and sport and drama club?

Norman I think you'll find it was a poster called setfiretotherain that started taking crap with her, if only people gave up drinking and smoking they could afford to be at home with their precious baby, shit.

You benefit your child if you work and you can damage it if you stay home.

So where do I stand with working part time. Do I partially damage all of them to a degree or can I assign the full damage to one thereby winning on %s?

Norman you seem to misunderstand premise of mn
Posters post their subjective opinion and opine including sharing personal preference
So your bat cave quip well says something about you,doesn't it

Naaaah. I was a SAHM with my first baby, went back to work full time when second baby was 5 months old. No impact whatsoever to speak of. Kids are flexible little things. They need to be in a secure environment with good care and attention. I honestly dont think people who had their mums at home make any better adjusted or happier adults