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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

AP Inappropriate Behaviour - Help Me

124 replies

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 00:29

I'm a regular here but I have name changed. A very close and trusted friend of mine has just emailed me photos of my AP, which AP has posted on Facebook. The photos show my AP, sprawled on MY bed with MY shoes, scantily clad.

I feel sick. I haven't spoken to AP about this. The last thing I want is to implicate my friend.

Please please please help. I've had AP's in the past, but have never ever come across this type of situation like this.

FWIW - i do believe my AP hasn't done this out of malice as she doesn't seem the sort. She is 19 yrs - a bit daft/scatty - and I don't think she has realised the implications...

Frak, Chitchatting, Harriet, Blu, Blondes, Dads, any others ....... any one ...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ohnoshedittant · 19/11/2011 01:11

Don't really know what advice to give other than get rid!

If she's been good up to now and you know she hasn't done it maliciously then I'd go with something like 'I know you haven't done this out of malice, but you must realise this is completely inappropriate and as such we can't let you stay'.

Then give her a couple of days to get sorted and then out!

RealityIsADistantMemory · 19/11/2011 01:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fraktious · 19/11/2011 03:53

What rules do you have about going into your room/stuff? Do you have a copy of the photo or is it just your friend's word? Who took it? Has she had someone else in your room whilst scantily clad etc?!

If you are 100% sure you need to get rid, cute inappropriate behaviour. What provision does your contract make for termination?

Depending on the responses to the above you may be able to turf her out immediately or give her the notice specified and pay her off. That's a horrible invasion of privacy

Assuming you will have another AP to replace this one you might want to tighten up your contract/house rules, not in terms of specifics but to talk about respecting privacy.

fraktious · 19/11/2011 03:55

Sorry just reread and seen you have a copy. Not that your friend would have made it up but I was hoping for your sake it was a bit exaggerated.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 19/11/2011 04:03

As you say she hasn't done it out of malice - she's just been very stupid! But didn't we all do something rather regrettable when we were 19??

I don't see how this impacts on your children though, so I'm not sure why people feel the need to let her go.

It was a daft thing to do and dafter to post on FB - but she's 19. I do feel if you employ a teenager as an OP you have to be prepared to pretty much parent them as well...

Have a few stern words about her not respecting your privacy/stuff and also say to her that as she's on your bed it may make people wonder if your DH/DP (if you have one) took the photos and that's really not good!!

MarieFromStMoritz · 19/11/2011 04:13

That's a point... who took the photo?

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 06:57

I do consider this to be an invasion of privacy. She would have had to root around in my untidy wardrobe to find my shoes. Chipping i know this does not affect this children but would you honestly feel comfortable with that? My contract states she has 1 week notice, but does this count as gross dismissal? My contract does not ban her from my room -after all she is sharing my house. However it does state that we will respect her room and not go into it when she is not there. I thought that she would have given this same due consideration to us - and not go into my wardrobe and personal things.

I did wonder about who took the photos. I guess she could claim it was on timer. I expressly told her that no male guests are allowed and she needs to ask us first about having other guests. Given the nature of these shots i doubt any female would have taken these.

Another thing my friend pointed out is what if dh had come home when she was taking these shots?...

OP posts:

MarieFromStMoritz · 19/11/2011 07:43

I have had housemaids over the years (slightly different, but even so) and I don't think any of them would have dared behave like this. I am afraid I would have to dismiss her. The thing is, will you be OK without an au pair? Do you really need one?

Julesnobrain · 19/11/2011 08:11

Yes we all do silly things when we are young but anyone with an ounce of common sense would realise this is disrespectful. Whilst it may not directly affect her ability with your DC it goes to character and for that reason I would dismiss her instantly for gross misconduct.

Why worry about 'outing' your friend. Are the AP and her going to be lifelong friends? Your friend has acted like a friend the AP should not be surprised.

Where is she from? If Europe I would try to see if I could get a flight tomorrow, buy her a flight, show her the photos, say what ohnosh said and drp her off at the airport with no notice money in lieu. If she is from further abroad then I would do the same but give her 2 days to sort out her own flight.

Go on gumtree now and advertise for new temp AP to tide you over till you get a proper one if you are desperate

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 09:02

Thanks jules - exactly it is disrepectful.

Unfortunately i rely on APs for after school care. The earliest i can get rid of her would be tues as dh and i need to sort out flexibility with work on monday first.

Would we need to pay her notice money? Also i know she has already paid £180 for a return flight at xmas. Should we refund that also?

We are planning to tell her on tues morning, and have a flight booked later that day and take her to the airport.

OP posts:

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/11/2011 09:04

There's immature and then there's REALLY QUITE STRANGE. That is just a very strange thing to do and no you would not want someone living in your house, looking after your children, who thought this was okay.

I'm trying to imagine the scenarios - "come back to mine after English and take some photos of me?" to an AP friend. Upstairs in my host parents' room.

Were you perhaps away one weekend and they got pissed and did this? Hence explaining the massive loss of judgement.

I guess I would be telling her this was a combination of a breakdown in trust for me and such an error of judgement that I didn't feel comfortable continuing.

What if YOUR CHILDREN walked in, more to the point?

If it is your AP who posted these on Facebook she has opened herself up to scrutiny. actually it may be that posting photos of herself in your house breaksa confidentiality clause, if you have one, as well.

How has she been otherwise?

MogandMe · 19/11/2011 09:24

Are your aupair and friend friends on facebook?

I would suggest you print the photo or open it and have it on the table - so that she knows that you have seen it and then ask her to explain. After her explanation and apology I would give her, her notice pay and tell her that you will drive her to the airport on Tuesday.

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 11:14

Hold on a minute, this does appear to be a gross error of judgement which you and I think most people would find unacceptable BUT

Before you do anything you need to ask her for her side of the story. Perhaps she got drunk and was set up by a 'friend'? The image could have been photoshopped?

Whatever you do you can't just throw her out of the country. Even if you decide to terminate her employment immediately (and personally I would ask her to work a week's notice assuming she is OK with the kids) you have to act reasonably. Tell her when you want her to leave, and say that if she wants to you will arrange a flight home and lift to the airport.

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 12:43

The photo was taken in daylight. We haven't been away for any weekend since she arrived either. I suspect it was taken whilst the dcs are at school and we were at work.

MrAnchovy - How on earth could it have been photoshopped? She would have to have separate photos of my bed, my shoes..... My friend is not even computer literate and she is just not that sort of person anyway to do this sort of thing. I can't think of ANY REASONABLE explaination of why she would want to do this - apart from stupidity.

It's not ideal situation - but I just don't trust her anymore. I would prefer to get rid of her out of my house as quickly as possible.

OP posts:

redglow · 19/11/2011 13:06

I would get rid imagine what else she could do in your bedroon .

Julesnobrain · 19/11/2011 13:46

I disagree mranchovy, I do not think you should give a weeks notice. Goodness knows what she might do while you are out at work. I think it would be awful and unreasonable if you just asked her to leave immediately (which happened to one of my AP's friends last weekend whose family asked her to leave at 8pm and gave her 30 minutes to pack and exit house with no money in lieu !!) but if you paid and booked a flight and will take her to the airport then I think that is more than reasonable. If you need to wait to Tuesday then so be it.

I don't think practically you can ask her to leave and then give her the choice as if se decides to stay , where would she stay? or if she decides to leave you would pay a massive premium to get a flight the same day. At least if you book a flight, get her home then you have behaved honorably and she once home can decide her next actions on her own without you being involved.

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 13:47

I didn't say it was feasible, but it is possible. It is not up to you to think of a reasonable explanation, it is up to her to give you one: it is a basic human right to challenge the evidence against you and plead your innocence before you are treated as guilty.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/11/2011 13:48

Mr a as I understand it and op correct if this is wrong the au pair posted the photos on her own page. So whatever the 'provence' she approves of them. If this is not the case I would investigate more deeply.

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 13:53

Goodness knows what she might do while you are out at work.
What is different now from last week?

I don't think practically you can ask her to leave and then give her the choice
I didn't say that. Tell her her last day is Friday and you can let her stay until Sunday morning if she wants to make her own arrangements, or if she wants to you will take her to the airport on Tuesday.

She is (I assume) in this country legally and you have no right to decide where she goes or what she does other than the contract between you: when that contract is terminated it's her call.

Julesnobrain · 19/11/2011 13:55

I can't image there would be any reasonable explanation. It is wholly inappropriate behaviour. I actually think the OP will be doing this silly AP a favour by coming down on this hard and fast. Sure she looses her AP job but in the long term she will learn a valuable lesson in life. Imagine if this was 5 years forward, she has finished uni or whatever and is working her way up the corporate ladder and does this sprawled across the bosses desk...

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 13:56

Her account could have been hacked...

Look I don't want to get into speculation, the whole point is that you cannot deprive her of her rights (i) to defend herself and (ii) to do whatever she wants when her contract is terminated.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/11/2011 13:56

Op are u in contact with the ap parents at all? Out of interest.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/11/2011 13:59

Op is this event totally and completely out of character? What is the other girl like.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/11/2011 14:01

Hacked acct if ap is on Facebook regularly she would have surely seen and removed.

Earlybird · 19/11/2011 14:03

This is wrong on so many levels. Yes, it may be because she is immature but it shows a serious lack of judgment - and that is the issue that would bother me most.

Anyone who would think it is OK to be in your bedroom, OK to rummage around in your wardrobe, OK to try on your clothes/shoes, OK to lie on your bed, OK to take provocative photos lying on your bed wearing your clothes, and OK to post the photos on Facebook - it is bad decision after bad decision.

You need to get rid because you'll never trust her. She'll learn a harsh lesson, and hopefully will understand what a big mistake she made.

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