Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AP Inappropriate Behaviour - Help Me

124 replies

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 00:29

I'm a regular here but I have name changed. A very close and trusted friend of mine has just emailed me photos of my AP, which AP has posted on Facebook. The photos show my AP, sprawled on MY bed with MY shoes, scantily clad.

I feel sick. I haven't spoken to AP about this. The last thing I want is to implicate my friend.

Please please please help. I've had AP's in the past, but have never ever come across this type of situation like this.

FWIW - i do believe my AP hasn't done this out of malice as she doesn't seem the sort. She is 19 yrs - a bit daft/scatty - and I don't think she has realised the implications...

Frak, Chitchatting, Harriet, Blu, Blondes, Dads, any others ....... any one ...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ohnoshedittant · 19/11/2011 14:05

'I don't see how this impacts on your children though, so I'm not sure why people feel the need to let her go'

It's not just about how it impacts the children though is it?! If the au pair makes you feel uncomfortable/invades your privacy/is direspectful to you it doesn't matter is she's Mary Poppins does it?

'Goodness knows what she might do while you are out at work.
What is different now from last week?'

erm I don't know if you read the OP, but pictures of the au pair, scantily clad, wearing the OP's shoes on her bed were found on facebook?!? That's what is different from last week.

I do agree with MrA about 1) giving her a chance to explain (can't see what possible explanation there is, but give her 5 mins to give you an excuse) and 2) you can't kick her out the country - she may want to stay with her bf, friends or someting until she finds another job.

wellwisher · 19/11/2011 14:06

Is she wearing your shoes in the photos? The whole thing is very odd. Agree that you should get to the bottom of who took the photos - is she allowed to bring friends to your house (let alone strange men into your bedroom)?

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 14:08

Oh and in case anyone thinks that by 'the right to defend herself' I mean that the OP is under any obligation (moral or legal) to prove anything, of course she isn't. But you have to hear her out - both from a moral point of view (this is a basic human right) and from a legal one (although the statutory disciplinary and greivance procedures ceased to have effect in 2009, employers must now as a minimum follow the ACAS code of practice).

And yes, I have had to sack a nanny in a similar situation. I told her what evidence I had (which was even more robust than it appears to be in this case) and asked if she could explain what had happened. She couldn't of course, she agreed that what she had done was wrong and we agreed when she would leave.

You need to be firm, decisive and resolute but this does not mean harsh, hasty or prejudical.

redglow · 19/11/2011 14:11

Shes not famous who would hack her facebook? Mranchovy she could do a lot of damage in a week if she knows she is going.

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 14:22

I did say that personally I would probably keep her on for a week as long as I felt she would be OK with the kids, but if there is sufficient reason/paranoia/embarrasment involved then you could make it earlier. Working (or paying) her notice is not the issue here, treating her with dignity (despite her apparent lack of the same) and in accordance with her rights are.

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 14:23

Shes not famous who would hack her facebook?
Someone who wanted to get her sacked?

Stop speculating what her side of the story might be, find out from her.

redglow · 19/11/2011 15:00

She has got ops shoes on her bed in a photo no need to speculate facts are facts.

MigratingCoconuts · 19/11/2011 15:07

why is your friend in facebook contact with your ap???

odd. all round odd.

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 15:17

I will ask her for an explaination - yes definately. However - the trust is broken now and irrepairable. She is wearing MY shoes FFS - party style ones that I keep buried in my wardrobe. She is also lying provacatively on my bed in suggestive clothing ...

After that - I couldn't stand the atmosphere if she hung around working her notice.

The photos have been taken over a few weeks ago. She is on FB all the time - everyday - I doubt there was hacking involved - she would have noticed. Even if it was hacked, I fail to see how pictures could have been doctored without someone having come to my house and taken pictures of my bedroom, my shoes etc.....

Since she has arrived, she has only had one other female friend to visit her in our house when I have not been here - and the photos were taken before that visit. I have a a policy with her guests in that there are no male guests and any others - she needs to ask me first. I have no idea whether the photos were taken on a camera timer or whether someone else took them. Either way - what the photo shows is wrong on so many levels.

You asked is this out of character? Well she is a sweet and pleasent girl. However, she does dress in revealing clothes and always gets plenty of male attention - even on the school run. I would say she is aware of her sexuality. She has also proven to act without thinking of consequences - as this incident shows - so in some ways I am not surprised - but I am shocked that she has invaded my privacy.

OP posts:

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 15:26

Mr A -in response not to deny HER human right - what about my family's human right to privacy??? She didin't seem to give a rat's about that.

However - to your point I WILL give the chance to explain. BUT I will also have her flight ticket and payment in lieu ready. I will give her at least a day to say her goodbyes - but if she decides that she doesn't want to accept the flight home then that is her choice. We're happy to drive her to her alternative accommodation or the airport. I just don't want her in the house any longer than I have too

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 19/11/2011 15:37

is that do-able in terms of the contract you have with her?

blueshoes · 19/11/2011 15:50

Has this aupair been with you for more than a year?

redglow · 19/11/2011 15:53

I agree totally with you OP what a horrible thought her going all through your things.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 19/11/2011 16:02

You need to give her a week notice. Even if the atmosphere will be awful for you . Yes, what she did was unacceptable but she hasnt killed anyone, you can't just throw her out.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 19/11/2011 16:20

I didn't mean you shouldn't let her go, all I was saying was that if she's good with the kids then maybe you need to think about what is in your best interest. I just feel when you take a young Au Pair on, you have to accept that they will possibly, from time to time, do daft things & not think things through. She's a 19 year old - I do feel that in a way you do have to parent them a bit. I think, for me, it would depend totally on how I felt about her in general. If I wasn't fussed on her or if she wasn't great around the place this would probably be the final straw, but if she was generally lovely & good with the kids I'd just have a few stern words about privacy & respect.

However, it's clear that you want her gone & it's totally your right to decide that.

I think you need to give her a few days to make other arrangements/say good bye to friends or find a place to crash etc. What she has done has invaded your privacy etc, but she hasn't put the kids in danger or failed to pick them up or anything - I think you need to bear that in mind really.

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 16:40

No - she hasn't put the kids in danger - or killed someone - but she clearly thinks it OK to delve through my personal things, and 'borrow' them without my permission. Would you honestly want to live with someone like that - knowing that? How would I know once I had a word she would respect that??

Her ability as an AP and rapport with the dcs is just average. She has done things that I have had to pull her up on - but nothing to this extent. I guess this is the last straw for me.

I don't want to have to send her home, but neither do I trust her with my dc or in my home anymore. I don't feel as if I have any other option

OP posts:

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 16:42

AP has only been with us for just over 2 months now.

OP posts:

MogandMe · 19/11/2011 16:45

You haven't answered why she and your friend are facebook buddies ?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 19/11/2011 16:56

APMB - I guess because I've lived with enough teenagers not to be so surprised by her actions?! I'm not saying it's right and I'm not saying you have to keep living with her - just that, to me, it's the kind of daft thing some teenagers do and I'm not surprised by it. Stern words would be had and she would understand that should it happen again she'd be out on her butt. But you don't have to feel the same as me

You do have the option of terminating her employment then allowing her to decide what she's going to do... you don't have to decide for her - in fact you can't decide for her, you can spend your money on a ticket that might not be used. Just ask her where she wants to go on Tuesday. But ask her today/tomorrow.

MigratingCoconuts · 19/11/2011 17:15

I do agree with Chipping. I think what she has done is awful but I also think you need to think carefully what you are allowed to do in terms of the law.

You really do need to check what you are expected to do now in terms of your contract. She is in the wrong and its totally your decision to let her go (which i completely understand) but she also has the right to employment protection, particularly if she is not in her own contry and if her home is also her place of work.

And why is your friend in facebook contact with a teenager who is emplyed by you?? You didn't answer my original question, because find that really odd.

ScarlettIsWalking · 19/11/2011 17:39

Why is your good friend her FB friend that seems unusual.

I also feel you can't just throw her out of your house. She hasn't done anything to warrant that. I would let her work her notice. She is young and been really stupid, - silly girl but she's no axe murderer.

mranchovy · 19/11/2011 17:57

she also has the right to employment protection
Not sure what you mean by this, but if you mean that she has the legal right not to be dismissed unfairly then (because she has worked for less than a year), I'm afraid she doesn't.

particularly if she is not in her own country
Makes no difference to her legal rights (unsurprisingly - it would not be a good idea to give foreign workers more rights than citizens)

and if her home is also her place of work.
It would be more accurate to say that her place of work is also her home. This makes no difference either (surprisingly)

She has the right to be given a week's notice (I assume: the contract may give her more). If you breach the contract by giving less notice, she is entitled to damages (i.e. a week's pay).

If you want to terminate the contract without notice or pay in lieu because you believe that her conduct warrants summary dismissal, she has the right to put her side of the case, to be given the reason for her dismissal in writing, and also the right to appeal against the decision (although for nannies this right is not worth very much because there is noone to appeal to other than the person that sacked you! Nevertheless, she does have this right). It is usually easier just to pay the notice.

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 18:10

I have no idea why ap and my friends are FB friends. I assume it is because they chat together when doing the school run - and because they love FB. My past APs have had some of the school mums as FB friends too so I guess I don't think this is anything unusual ??? Is having FB friends something to be concerned about??

I will her give her a weeks notice - as stipulated by her contract. I will also - if she wants - pay for her flight home.

OP posts:

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 18:14

Thanks Mr A - as a regular on this board and having read lots of thread on the complexities of employment law and APs - I do feel somewhat the expectations within the law.

FWIW - with my friend - she has never ever brought up anything to warrant concern with my previous APs or my other friends. She is not that sort. I know she would have agonised about this and the effect herself.

OP posts:

redglow · 19/11/2011 18:24

I do not thik its strange if she is your friends FB friend. My daughter is 19 and she has over 1000 friends on Fb of all ages they all cannot be her friends. Facebook is just a good reason to be nosy.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5