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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

AP Inappropriate Behaviour - Help Me

124 replies

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 00:29

I'm a regular here but I have name changed. A very close and trusted friend of mine has just emailed me photos of my AP, which AP has posted on Facebook. The photos show my AP, sprawled on MY bed with MY shoes, scantily clad.

I feel sick. I haven't spoken to AP about this. The last thing I want is to implicate my friend.

Please please please help. I've had AP's in the past, but have never ever come across this type of situation like this.

FWIW - i do believe my AP hasn't done this out of malice as she doesn't seem the sort. She is 19 yrs - a bit daft/scatty - and I don't think she has realised the implications...

Frak, Chitchatting, Harriet, Blu, Blondes, Dads, any others ....... any one ...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MigratingCoconuts · 19/11/2011 18:24

That does seem clearer mrA

It is gobsmackingly stupid to have put the pictures out in the public domain given that your friend is in fb contact!

redglow · 19/11/2011 18:31

Migrating she is young having an aupair is sometimes like having an extra child to look after.

ohnoshedittant · 19/11/2011 18:49

Maybe it's just me, but she's 19 not 12. Surely you must realise by 19 that going into someone elses private space, rooting through their stuff, posing wearing their shoes and not much else on their bed, then posting the pictures on facebook is not right! If you don't then you shouldn't be in charge of children imo because it would make you an idiot.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/11/2011 19:21

It's no big deal or surprise that your friend is facebook friends with her. We are on our third au pair and have a close friend locally who has ap's too. These girls always befriend me and will also send online messages when they see I'm online. They are also friends with a couple of the mums they see at school. They don't seem to think about whether it's 'appropriate' or not, it's just what they do. It seems churlish to refuse.

I agree there is a generational thing going on and you ahve to have a chat with them about what to post online (since most of them also have all their walls open too.) But what this girl has done is out of order.

OP: if you are paying her notice, covering her airfare, etc. don't feel guilty.Ask her to explain herself but if she is this immature there is also some chance I do question whether you're going to be getting the truth here. You know her and are best placed to judge.

LucieLucie · 19/11/2011 19:58

The one big thing weighing on my mind over and above everything else would be
WHO took the photo??

Who was it that was with her in YOUR bedroom while she dressed in YOUR shoes as you put it 'sprawled scantily' on YOUR bed???

Maybe I have a suspicious mind but I would be doing a bit of digging and I would be talking to my husband...(shock)

Yes, I would have to get rid as what else has she been rooting through

MigratingCoconuts · 19/11/2011 20:35

I do agree...she is young and sometimes the young do stupidly niaeve things.

however, I wouldn't have invaded someone else's private space at that age and I certainly wouldn't have printed the pictures!!

MigratingCoconuts · 19/11/2011 20:35

...and yeah, who took the pictures??????

ednurse · 19/11/2011 20:41

Maybe nobody took the picture? It could have been a self-timer. Is it taken from an angle which could have been propped on a side board or somewhere?

xmyboys · 19/11/2011 20:46

Op I think you are doing the right thing.
If the issue if her being in the house is a problem, and she doesn't want the flight home. Can you pay a weeks accommodation in a hostel? She is an adult and should be liable for her actions. Setting a timer to take the photo?
I think someone else was present for sure. Sex on your bed? I would be washing everything just in case

MigratingCoconuts · 19/11/2011 20:54

I think dressing down up, putting the shoes on, taking a picture of yourself and then putting it on fb is somehow more strange than have a good time with some bloke and putting the piccy on fb as a sort of trophy.

or is that just me??

MrsHuxtable · 19/11/2011 21:14

Call me paranoid but I think this all sounds very strange and like there might be more to this story.

What the AP has done is wrong on so many levels, especially since we have ruled a drunken weekend with some friends out, and has nothing to do with a small lapse of judgement from a 19year old. The picture has been on FB for several weeks!!!

I think, unless the girl is exceptionally dim, she knew the OP would get to see the picture through her friend.

My biggest concern would also be WHO took that picture...

MrsHuxtable · 19/11/2011 21:14

Also, what is your DH's take on all of this?

Original poster

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 23:46

I dont think we'll ever really know who took the picture. I doubt she will tell the truth. I do think she has been incredibly thoughtless and daft (which she tend to be). She has 500 odd friends on FB and i doubt has thought this through. She also adores preening herself and having her photo taken.

I dont for one minute suspect my husband. I trust him completely and I know him. He was as shocked as i and has been completely floored. We have both been discussing the best way to deal with this. I am not suspicious of him. I am however angry that the AP has put us in this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

APmumboss · 20/11/2011 09:53

I haven't spoken to AP yet as dc around and she was out all last night. Assuming when I show her the photos, and that she has no reasonable explaination for it, I will be giving her 1 wks notice.

If I am to let her stay for the week, can someone tell me what to expect?? Has anyone been in this situation?? I need to know whether she will even pick up the children from school or do her duties. I think she may behave like a sulky teenager and hide in her room - and I'm not sure how to deal with this.

Another aspect DH and I are concerned about is her honesty. She has shown no respect and that she is perfectly happy to go through my things and borrow them - how will I know whether I can trust her?

OP posts:

redglow · 20/11/2011 10:43

I dfo not think you can trust her she could do a lot of damage in a week. Whats to stop her takeing some of your things, she may really resent you and be spiteful.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 20/11/2011 11:15

I realise I may be playing fast and loose here but basically you are sacking her for gross misconduct right? That's the upshot as I understand it.

I personally can't see how anyone would recommend keeping her on for a full week working in your home having told her she has to go for unacceptable behaviour. It's not a criticism of you, I just don't understand the strategy and I'm wondering if in the unlikely event that there was come back on you somehow (which I doubt), having let her stay on undermines the gross misconduct allegation. Then again she's been with you under a year, so I don't know, maybe it doesn't matter. I think in your particular case there seems to be a risk she will do something bizarre/not fulfill her duties. But you know her first hand, maybe it's managable?

I would be pretty unequivocal after I've spoken to her, if there is no good explanation for it. Give her a couple of days to get herself together, pay her notice and the flight (if she wants it) and that's it. Would it be a disaster not to have childcare cover?

Is her wall open on FB? If so, you should take a screen shot of the photos possibly. Or ask your friend to.

xmyboys · 20/11/2011 13:06

If you pay a weeks wage and a weeks alternative accommodation you will have covered yourself.
Do not let her stay unsupervised under any circumstances.
She has breached your trust

Original poster

APmumboss · 20/11/2011 13:29

Harriet - yes - I will be sacking her for gross misconduct as I have photographic evidence that she has taken my shoes without my permission and invaded my privacy. I will also be telling her that suggestive photos in my room and on my bed are disrepectful, and the photos indicate that someone was in my house without permission. (My contract explicitly states guests must be agreed with me first).

If I send her to alternative accommodation - (i'm thinking a local 3* B&B) - will I have to pay her a bit extra for food?? Or would this have to come out of her notice money?

Would I have to pay her flight too? (ie Notice money + Accommodation + flight)?

OP posts:

ohnoshedittant · 20/11/2011 15:02

If I were you I would tell her today she needs to go on Tuesday, give her notice pay and ask whether she wants an air ticket home and lift to the airport or an extra (whatever the air ticket would cost you) and a lift to a friends house/alternative accommodation. I don't think you need to provide accommodation if you're offering her the flight and I really don't think you need to giver her money for food.

You sound like a very reasonable and fair employer and it's a shame that your au pair has behaved in this way.

fraktious · 20/11/2011 15:36

I would give the notice and say you will pay for a flight or a week in a B&B, her choice. You're therefore not leaving her homeless and destitute and she can decide what she prefers to do.

MrsHuxtable · 20/11/2011 16:34

I agree with the two posters above. Either a flight home or a week's accomodation. Also do tell her today so she can make her choice.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 21/11/2011 12:27

OP have you spoken to her? What did she say?

Mummyinthedark · 21/11/2011 12:57

Just a quick exhortation to anyone dismissing an AP OR a nanny - always pay in lieu and see them out straight away.

If you have to dismiss someone who works in your own home, with your children, you can't take the risk that they will not take out any resentment they have about being dimissed by taking or damaging something -or worse. Chances are probably not huge but why take that risk with your children, your home, your stuff.

It's a horrible situation to have to face but handle it as courteously as possible and do the decent thing with money owed. Get back your keys and change burglar alarm codes. Provide or pay for their transport if the person have lived with you. Whatever they did wrong, try to make sure that you behave decently.

kelly2000 · 21/11/2011 13:46

Lets get this straight. She went into your room, went through your wardrobe, put on your shoes, laid across you bed and got photgraphed in scanty clothing and your shoes, put them on the internet for all to see, and you are wondering if you are being unreasonable in firing her? I would give her the weeks wages, and pay for a flight home or a week in a b and b.

ScarlettIsWalking · 22/11/2011 10:21

any update?

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