Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AP Inappropriate Behaviour - Help Me

124 replies

APmumboss · 19/11/2011 00:29

I'm a regular here but I have name changed. A very close and trusted friend of mine has just emailed me photos of my AP, which AP has posted on Facebook. The photos show my AP, sprawled on MY bed with MY shoes, scantily clad.

I feel sick. I haven't spoken to AP about this. The last thing I want is to implicate my friend.

Please please please help. I've had AP's in the past, but have never ever come across this type of situation like this.

FWIW - i do believe my AP hasn't done this out of malice as she doesn't seem the sort. She is 19 yrs - a bit daft/scatty - and I don't think she has realised the implications...

Frak, Chitchatting, Harriet, Blu, Blondes, Dads, any others ....... any one ...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

APmumboss · 22/11/2011 10:38

Thank you to everyone who has responded to this thread. I appreciate everyone's advice and views. It's been a hectic couple of days.

DH and I have spoken to her. She had nothing to say - except sorry and was extremely upset and remorseful. She admitted she had borrowed my personal things without permission to take the photos. She said she did it as she liked and admired my things!

When I took her mobile (which we provided), there were even more photos of her - worse ones . She claimed there was no-one who took the photos.

DH and I booked her into a B&B and paid her notice. I just couldn't trust her in my house afterwards unattended. .

I also spoke to the agency. Their response was pretty similar to Chipping's posts. They told me whilst they could understand that I was upset, that I had over-reacted as she hadn't stolen anything or hurt the kids, and that what she needed was a telling off and that it may lead to notice being given. The agency said that perhaps because I had treated her as a member of the family in terms of taking her out to resturants, theme parks, family days out and not making our bedroom strictly out of bounds that she had got too comfortable in our house. The agency recommended that i wait to see what AP wants to do, and that perhaps she would leave of her own accord or when they could place her with another family. The agency also said that they would be happy to send me new candidates.

When I said that I was unhappy with their suggestion, they told me that putting her in a B&B was OTT -something that is only done if the AP has stolen or hurt the children. They said that AP's agency in her country would not want to deal with our family anymore. They also pointed out that she would probably post comments about us on FB, or speak to the school Mums too as we didn't treat her fairly.

DH and I feel awful about this.

OP posts:

StillSquiffy · 22/11/2011 10:47

You just have to name and shame that agency, OP.

HMTheQueen · 22/11/2011 10:51

The agency is totally out of order saying that to you!

What you did was in no way an overreaction.

Stand firm in your decision - and I'd think about not using that agency again, if they think that what she did is acceptable.

thebody · 22/11/2011 11:04

omg just read this post, how wierd of her and completely understand your horror, just so a breach of trust and so creepy actually.

the agency is definatly wrong and you are right 100%.

fraktious · 22/11/2011 11:15

Don't feel awful - the agency are talking crap.

Quite apart from anything else the AP has shown a colossal lack of judgement which is not good in someone who cares for you children!

On top of that she's invaded your privacy in a very intimate way which makes you uncomfortable about leaving her alone in the house.

You haven't cast her out onto the street so I don't know what the agency are talking about. You've given notice and provided alternative accommodation - perfectly fair.

The agency are forgetting who works for who here.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/11/2011 11:25

If she was so remorseful and embarrassed then I doubt she would do anything spiteful if she stayed on your house. From what I gather the agencies usually are more in the hosting family's corner than au pair's as the family is the paying client. For them to say you over-reacted means that you most probably did.

I really do understand why you were put out by what she did but, like many people on this thread, you did not want to acknowledge that she is not your employee. She's supposed to be treated like a family member, an older sister that helps with younger children and that gets pocket money and not a wage. Yes, what she did was stupid and upsetting for you but she should be treated like you would've treated your daughter if she did something like this. Basically she's just z girl babysitting your DC and not a qualified professional.

HMTheQueen · 22/11/2011 11:33

If a member of my family, or even a babysitter, did what the AP did, I would be fuming!

They were not her possesions. It was not her room. It was not her house. What the AP did was wholly inappropriate and the OP's trust has been broken. The OP's reaction was totally proportionate to the act.

I would not leave a teenager in my house, alone, after this. No way.

fraktious · 22/11/2011 12:25

Even my sister, who has a penchant for borrowing mine/my mother's shoes wouldn't do this and if she did that to me I'd be absolutely furious and wouldn't be able to trust her in my house alone for a long time. Any babysitter who did that certainly wouldn't be asked to babysit again. If it were a cousin or niece I wouldn't be having them in the house unsupervised either.

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 12:34

I think an au pair is an employee actually drink. Also you don't need to be a professional nanny to know not to do what she did. You need about half an ounce of common sense. If you don't have this you shouldn't be left in charge of children.

TheProvincialLady · 22/11/2011 12:37

Yes legally an au par IS an employee, which gives them legal protection. What do you think would happen to you if you took photos of yourself in your boss's office wearing her coat and not much else, and posted them on facebook? Being young is no excuse for breaching trust and privacy. She is an adult.

OP the agency are just trying to frighten you. Name and shame - they are disgraceful.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/11/2011 12:37

Ohnoshedittant au pair is *not8 an employee and should not be left in charge of children

If you do not take my word for it look here and I quoted it below too:

'The Au pair is not
The au pair IS NOT an employee or a professionally trained cleaner, domestic help, child minder or Nanny. They are not capable of running an entire household when parents are absent for business or personal travel. Responsibility for the welfare of children always remains the responsibility of the parents.'

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/11/2011 12:38

is not

fraktious · 22/11/2011 12:44

ACAS and the ECJ say otherwise.

That agency is wrong.

Clearly no-one is saying an au pair is a professional nanny but that would be like saying a health care assistant isn't an employee because they're not a nurse.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/11/2011 12:46

Also on the DWP website, it says au-pairs fall under cultural exchange category. It is not a job, they are not paid a wage, more of an exchange student who helps out with the children... (it's a document I can't link to it)

And direct.gov.co.uk

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2011 12:55

I agree that being treated as one of the family isn't an excuse for what she did - I would be fuming if a friend or family did this to me! And you say the photos on her phone were much worse??? Sorry but I hate to imagine how she managed to take photos on her phone on her own...

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/11/2011 13:03

AuntMAggie I never said it was an excuse , if your comment was directed at me. I've said it was an awful thing to do but what I am saying she's basically just a girl that did a very very stupid thing. I agree that the OP should let her go but it could've been done in a number of ways.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 13:06

APMumBoss - just to be clear, I wouldn't have been as upset/annoyed as you were and I wouldn't have felt so invaded etc. I do think that having a teenager living in the house, as part of the family, does mean that lines are crossed that would not be crossed in other situations and that they will do the daft things that (some) teenagers do. They aren't known for thinking things through! I would have handled the situation the same way I'd have handled it if it had been say, my niece.

However - I fully understand that you feel differently about it and you are entitled to!! I don't think there was anything wrong with how you handled it at all. You spoke to her, you put her up in a B&B & you paid her notice. I think you handled it perfectly (given your different feelings).

The Agency is well out of order saying what they said. They are wrong and they are rude. Put their reaction behind you and don't give it another thought.

Please stop feeling bad about it. You haven't done anything wrong at all.

Original poster

APmumboss · 22/11/2011 13:06

All your reassuring messages mean a lot - thank you.

The agency and AP have both told me that the agency is now trying to place her with another family . I've already told them not to ask me for a reference. I also don't think I can use them again as they obviously condone her actions.

When DH and I booked in her to her B&B, we made sure that the place was clean and tidy. It was run by a lovely woman who has promised to look after AP and keep an eye out for her. I also told AP that if she feels really stuck then she can call us. We've treated her really gently - but firmly in the matter. We've told her what she did was grossly unacceptable. She cried some more and apologised again.

I hope I never ever have to do this again. It's been an emotional process.

OP posts:

ohnoshedittant · 22/11/2011 13:07

I can't see how it could have been done better?

They paid her notice, offered her a flight home and put her up in a B&B.

How would you have done it?

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2011 13:09

chipping no not aimed at you but at the agency using that excuse

Original poster

APmumboss · 22/11/2011 13:18

Chipping - sorry - my apologies for the misunderstanding.

Of course, we all feel differently and we all handle things in different ways. All I ever wanted was something that I could feel comfortable with, but would also mean the least upset for her. The fact she not only borrowed my very personal things, laid in several provactive positions on my bed, posed in lingerie in my mirrors, and then posted them on FB, stored the photos on my mobile, was a bit too much for me I'm afraid. As other posters have said, it is stupid - but also shows a lack of judgement. It's not just that I don't her trust her in my house, but I couldn't trust her with my children. I appreciate she apologised - but I think she was more sorry over being caught. Both DH and I would have never been able to relax in our own home if she had been around

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 13:23

I don't think that placing her with another family is a bad thing if she understands that what she did was wrong. However, it's not going to end well if the agency are saying that what she did wasn't that unacceptable They would be foolish to give your name as a reference!

Even if they weren't placing her again I wouldn't use them, partly due to the way they've spoken to you, but mainly because they think the only valid reason to get rid of an AP is if they have hurt the children - WTAF?? There are a lot of other very valid reasons to get rid.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 13:29

APMumBoss - we're crossing posts all over the place :)

As I said, what you are I are each comfortable with doesn't have to be the same. I wouldn't feel how you do, but totally understand that you do and why you do. Also, it does come down to the AP. Most of the ones I have known are lovely sweet girls, who have been daft on occasion - had it been one who I didn't much care for anyway, I may have felt differently - who knows.

However, the bottom line is that you feel the way you feel, it's well within the range of normal and you have handled it well - better than many would have!!

ChitChattingElf · 22/11/2011 14:25

Oh APMumBoss, you poor thing!!!! I would have done exactly the same thing as you have. Yes, she may be immature, but she did something incredibly stupid and now she has to deal with the consequences. Hopefully she'll grow up a bit and realise that if she violates someone's personal space in such a way then there will be repurcussions.

If someone had gone through my personal things like that, I would have been tempted to throw them out the very same day.

What will you do now?

thebody · 22/11/2011 14:26

totally agree last post, you have been very understanding and caring, to me it doesnt matter if an au pair is or isnt a 'professional' she or he is an adult helping to care for young children and as such should act like one.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5