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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

449 replies

kcj748 · 25/07/2011 12:00

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

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theyoungvisiter · 25/07/2011 20:45

"My children are worth making sacrifices for."

You see Thermos - it's exactly that kind of comment that pisses people off.

You could have made your point equally well without sliding that nasty little side-swipe under the belt.

Your point was that you could retrain - fine. great. whatever.

but you couldn't leave it at that - you had to imply that any woman making a different choice doesn't value her children and does make sacrifices for them (to which seriously? What the fuck? Do you not think that a working mother is making sacrifices every single day, just like a SAHM mother? THey are just different sacrifices.)

Seriously - is it so hard for you to make your point without putting in poisonous digs at anyone with a different lifestyle?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 25/07/2011 20:46

again

thermos will you answer the posts a few up about your comment relating to post natal depression?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 25/07/2011 20:46

""Sorry, one exception. If a mother has untreated/undiagnosed PND, then in those circumstances a baby will benefit from being looked after by a loving carer, until the mother is well again."

^that one.

harrietthespook · 25/07/2011 20:48

It's been a very long time since I've seen such sanctimonious posts from someone Thermos.

Do you know anyone in the real world who isn't JUST LIKE YOU, out of interest?

Well done with your "investments." I guess you've been one of the 'short sellers' in the market, in the last couple of years. Lots of other people lost their jobs though - you might have heard. (Or not.)

peppapighastakenovermylife · 25/07/2011 20:48

What facts are these then thermos? (in response to it is a fact a baby needs to be with the mother for the first year)

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/07/2011 20:53

Thermos, like most bottomlessly ignorant smug middle classes, doesn't have much truck with facts because he/she/it doesn't understand them.
It wouldn't be that hard to find studies and books, for instance, to show that DC brought up by a miserable resentful mother who was coerced into staying at home and not being 'selfish' suffer emotional damage... Frankly some people are a lot better at the day to day grind of looking after small children than others are. So it makes sense that those who are really good at it should earn their living from doing it, while those who are better with older DC should earn their living in a different way.

Strix · 25/07/2011 20:56

Thermos, if you want to have a reasoned debate on SAHP vs WOHP, then the appropriate thing to do is a start a thread in another topic. But, coming on the childcare boards and accusing all the working parents of damaging their children is nothing short of inflammatory.

You have upset a lot of people here (SAHPs and WOHPs) on the premis that your way is the only way. But, you are wrong. The topic is perhpas worthy of debate (elsewhere), but neither side holds a victory.

The fact that you feel the need to come over here and start this fight says a lot more about your insecurities than is does other people's choices.

thermosflask · 25/07/2011 21:04

Jareth, you said you had an amazing job. So what is it? What job is so amazing that it's better than staying home with your baby whilst he/she is very young?

I'd like to know what jobs the others do too actually.

If a mother is depressed she needs help. I don't believe an emotionally healthy and well mother who has bonded with her baby will find it impossible to stay at home for a year with her baby.

thermosflask · 25/07/2011 21:06

Strix, what would you say my insecurities were then, based on this thread?

ChristinedePizan · 25/07/2011 21:06

Thermos, you've ignored my question twice now. I know you're there ...

JarethTheGoblinKing · 25/07/2011 21:08

It's a job that I will have for life, which is very flexible, has very good perks and a final salary pension. Id be idiotic to give it up.

thermosflask · 25/07/2011 21:08

Christine, sorry, can you repeat your question? There are so many posts to sift through, I can't keep up.

headfairy · 25/07/2011 21:09

Thermos, I've made huge sacrifices in my career for my children. A £16k pay cut to work regular hours and only 3 days a week, plus the salary growth I've lost out on from choosing not to travel. However I'm fortunate to have an understanding employer. Many are not so lucky and have to face working a full 50 hour week in order to stay employed.

I do feel a bit uncomfortable about those who utterly refuse to compromise their working life. Our last nanny is now working for a couple who both work mega full time (sometimes doing 24 hours straight at work) and who see their children for only a few hours a week. She's very sad at how neglected those children are and she's made it her mission to turn them in to quiet withdrawn children to outgoing, noisy messy loving children. I have no doubt she'll succeed, and those children will benefit from the love their parents don't have time to show them. But that's not a parable about the evils of working parents, those particular parents are arseholes!

As with all things in life it's about balance. I work 3 days, and the other 4 days my children are the centre of my world. The do not suffer one jot.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 25/07/2011 21:10

I'm answering the other question too. I'd say you have insecurities based on your own upbringing.

ChristinedePizan · 25/07/2011 21:10

I asked you what you felt about single mothers who chose to stay home with their children rather than work. Does it piss you off that they are scrounging or do you think that you would do that too if you were in their shoes?

gillybean2 · 25/07/2011 21:10

OP you shouldn't regard your salary as paying for the childcare...

Your dh and you are both equally responsible for the childcare if you both work. It's not a choice of you working or staying at home. It's a choice of you both working or one of you staying at home. Either way you both are supporting your baby and providing childcare.

So while you may pay for the childcare you shouldn't regard it as being your reponsibility if you are choosing to work instead of staying at home. You are both jointly resposnible for whatever form of childcare you choose between you and are both responsible for paying for it IYSWIM.

HSMM · 25/07/2011 21:10

I am a CM and I have looked after children from 6 months old from 8am to 6pm, 5 days a week. I make sure they have plenty of 1:1 time and cuddles and sleep when they need to. They love having the older children around to entertain them.

Once you have considered all the options, you need to choose what is best for you and your child.

thermosflask · 25/07/2011 21:10

Jareth, but what precisely is the job? I want to know what job is so amazing that it is worth leaving your child with another person for, for 50 hours a week.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/07/2011 21:12

but it's not just the job is it? It's the intangibles that having paid work can bring

headfairy · 25/07/2011 21:12

Thermos, I'll happily tell you what I do, I work in TV news. I went back to work when ds was 8 months, and when dd was 9 months. I work 3 x 12 hour days, so I'm out of the home about 14 hours a day. We have a nanny to look after our children on the days I work.

thermosflask · 25/07/2011 21:13

I had a quick look at the single mother thread and my views remain the same. I am glad that those mothers made the choice to stay at home to look after their children and I'm happy for my taxes to go to support such mothers. In the long run society will benefit from their choice.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 25/07/2011 21:14

Well as I said on the other thread...my job...I'm a lecturer who lectures on attachment, childcare and child development. I have a PhD in Developmental Psychology.

I sent my DC's to nursery at 6 months old.

It wasn't the job that was so 'wonderful' it was the necessity to pay the bills at that stage.

Now at around a year I enjoyed going to work. Shoot me.

Or instead of shooting me actually read some academic empircal based literature rather than Mr James?

SeenButNotHeard · 25/07/2011 21:15

Ignoring the bunfighting...

OP - I think you can prepare to go back to work, but you will really have to see how you feel - particularly as you seem to suggest that childcare will infact use up most of your salary, so may not exactly be a necessity.

I had to go back to work when my dd was 4 months for financial reasons although was fortunate that at that time we could just about survive me being PT, rather than FT.

I had every intention of using a nursery (well researched, very nice, lovely staff) but I just could not do it. We ended up in the fortunate position of being able to arrange for MIL to do one day and my dh to do the other and I then worked at home for half a day.

I really would not have gone back at all if I did not need to to pay the mortgage; if you had told me that before I had my children I would have laughed as I loved my job.

Social worker in case you are interested thermos Wink

thermosflask · 25/07/2011 21:16

Headfairy, at least you are accommodating your childrens needs by working part time. It's the full time working mums who leave their 5 month or even younger babies for 50 hours a week that I have a problem with.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 25/07/2011 21:17

So Thermos. Tell us about your other parenting experiences. Are you perfect?

Your opinion is your opinion - just that. Certainly not fact.

Why do you feel the need to try and make people miserable? Maybe not so confident in your choices and your life after all? Because something suggests you are protesting just a little bit too much.

No one is this concerned about decisions that do not affect them and for which there is no evidence that they are harmful. Not rational sane minded people anyway.