Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

[kcj748]

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

Your husband could have stayed at home oerhaps?
One of us has worked whilst the other has been at home.

But thermos seemed more concerned about mum being away from the baby rather than the father.

My advice to you, OP, is to watch the film "Paris, Je T'Aime".

Seriously. You will see why once you watch this movie.

Ah didn't pick up on that.Such an emotive topic...and obviously up to individuals.

Just seen that thermos has referred to 'mothers' in inverted commas when speaking of those of us who have babies and works. I shall do that from now on. Do those little quote marks in the air with my fingers when I refer to myself as a mother.

On another thread, there are a lot of posters having a go at single mothers who don't work. Unfortunately none of them are the same ones as the ones on this thread :(

So doobydoo and thermosflask - what do you think about single mothers who don't work? Justified or scrounging off the state?

And doobydoo - what do you think about dads who work? Is someone else raising the child they choose to have? Presumably. Is that a bad thing? Why not?

Where's Xenia when you need her? :o

Of course it is ok, I am the DD of a working mum and dad (left with a nanny at 5 months), not only do I have a fantastic relationship with both my parents I have also grown up into a v happy adult. Just because you are not changing every nappy you will still be rearing your child.

Looking back on my own childhood I am just so pleased that my parents worked so that I could have a great start in life. The only thing I would change would be to stop my mum feeling so guilty - her sister (my aunty) was a SAHM and judged my mum for going back to work so soon - mum felt guilty for years... and there was absolutely no need for it!

Hi

I'm in London too OP and went back to work the week DS turned six months. I needed to to pay the bills, plus I love my job and was at university for eight long years to e able to do it! In addition I have a brilliant pension and other benefits that mean I'm not stopping.

Originally I paid the deposit at a nursery but on our settling in day I just couldn't leave him there. I had no idea I would feel that way. It was a big place and I felt he wouldn't be cuddled and loved enough. So I interviewed a lot of childminders and found a superb one I am very happy with. She wears him in our sling, cuddles and kisses him all day and blows raspberries on his tummy when changing his nappy. Basically, she loves him. I hope he'll be with her for years and, as another poster said, she will become another loving adult enriching his life.

I did change my hours - I now work 6.30-2.30 so I can pick him up 3.15 ish, DH drops him off 8.30. It means me leaving the house at 5.40 which is tough as he's teething and not sleeping but it means I get three hours of playing plus tea, bath and bed with him. If you possibly can arrange with your work or your DH to do flexitime or compressed hours I would say do it - it's been wonderful for us.

As I say I'm in London - nursery was £1300 a month and the Cm is £900 which is great and we both get childcare vouchers which drops it to £750- ask your work.

Good luck- and don't be afraid to trust your instincts and change your mind.

Thermos clearly lives in the sort of dream world where we are all married to alpha males who can support us while we take at least 6 months off and then go back to work for about 4 hrs a week. Life ain't like that. Really scary that this even needs explaining.

I think I must be one of the ones who Thermos imagines to have lowered the mean level of intellect since arriving on MN. So sorry to have been part of the deterioration of which you moan. I must remind myself to hand back the MSc, the CIPD, the ACA and the CFA quals whilst I am at it. Oh, and to tell the chaps that graded my IQ at 158 that they must have got it wrong, and to tell the LSE that they can stuff the Phd I'm due to start shortly.

Next, will you be telling all the women to stop bothering going to university and 'bettering' themselves because, let's face it, we're all chattels to our men once we drop a sprog, eh?

I do rather wish that - as you promised to do earlier in the thread - you would go fuck off with your prejudices. I'd rather not be a kept woman, thanks, but if that's your game, fine. Just don't expect to go round slinging insults without getting some flak thrown back.

Kept woman?

OP I would suggest waiting until the baby is born before deciding-my plans changed considerably after having DD. I ended up being off for 14 months.

thermos I actually feel very sad and hurt by your comments especially around mothers with PND. Have you experienced this? Because I did and I can tell you now that i was still a good mother to my child. PND manifests in very different ways depending on the person. You are horrible and judgemental. Go away

Headfairy, I was just wondering the same, surely the alarm on her keyboard has gone off by now

essexmumma I'd missed the comment about PND.. am at that ridiculous comment! So thermos, the only time a baby can be left with anybody other than the Mother (including it's own Father it seems) is if the Mother is suffering with PND and therefore (as your post implies) incapable of looking after her own child.

silly silly misinformed and extremely judgemental thing to say.

I wonder what would happen if all these "mothers" that are neglecting their babies stay at home how you accept hospitals with a shortage of doctors & nurses, fewer policewomen, barristers, cleaning ladies, gardeners, shopworkers etc... Plus you would then have all the CMs, nannies and nursery workers unemployed. A small percentage of women are SAHMs for more than a year, a do wonder how many of them/their partners claiming benefit.

"Thermos clearly lives in the sort of dream world where we are all married to alpha males who can support us while we take at least 6 months off and then go back to work for about 4 hrs a week. Life ain't like that. Really scary that this even needs explaining. "

Exactly, Vicky2011

Thermos obviously doesn't have enough to do with her time. Maybe she should get a job?

I feel strongly about my choice to work. But, I don't go onto SAHM threads (is there such a thing?) and lecture other about how they damaging their children.

'mothers' FFS, woman, you are lucky I don't know where you live.

Maybe she was [the horror] neglecting her children while MNing

Chestnutx3, I'm not sure that argument works..but what it would mean in the long run is that those roles would once again be almost exclusively been filled by men and childless women, as in the 1950's.

I used to feel very looked down on, as a SAHM, by working mums who needed two wages to run their decent sized houses, and two cars and a foreign holiday, while I stayed at home (in my small terraced house) with no car and no nice holidays. But I've no regrets.

Hi,

Haven't read the entire thread, but I'm just doing my return to work negotiations (not full time though) for my 9 mo old and wanted to make a couple of suggestions:

1. would your work consider a staggered return? I asked for (and was surprised to get) 3 months of 2 days, then going up to 3 days. This gives a reason for a re-negotiation after 3 months where I could say actually I want to stick with 2 days, or I think I need to do 4, or whatever depending how things are working out.

I got the idea from a friend who was applied for a full time job, asked to start at 4 days for 3 months, with no intention of ever doing 5, and is still there happily doing 4 days 7 years later! Since then another friend has done it because her husband thought she should do more and she wasn't sure.... Anyway, this is a rambling way of saying you could try this kind of approach in order to keep your options open

2. is there a nice crèche you could try before you leave your baby full time? I was very concerned about the whole 10 hours thing as well, until I left him in crèche a few mornings while I did a course. He barely noticed I'd gone, looked fairly unbothered when I returned and carried on playing with the carer. Apart from the rather rude indifference, now I'm far less worried about leaving him with the CM when I go back to work.

Good luck with everything!

thermos do you write a blog? Could you blog off please? You sound so rigid and blinkered. I imagine a blog would be an excellent place to vent your spleen.

OP My DS went to a CM 4/week since he was 11m old. We had a long hand over period. I basically spent about 1/2 mornings a week there for about a month as I was really torn about returning to work and leaving him there. I was glad that I did invest that time as when the time came to leave him for longer periods of time, he was ready and had bonded with the CM.

My CM takes babies from 6m, as per OFSTED she only has one non walker at any time. She usually has one little baby, and then 2-5 toddlers. She has 1/2 assistants who work for her and then she has some after school kids. I can honestly say my CM is completely dedicated to her charges and she loves them all. I mean loves them. The toys are scuffed and I get mismatched tupperware home but she adores all the kids and they have an amazing time with lots and lots of activities. She is one of those people who just adore children and has been working with children all her life. She came highly recommended and had a waiting list! Visit as many places as you can now to get a feeling for what you like and don't like.

I wanted to post and reassure the op. I never experienced a moment's hesitation or guilt over how we as a family decided to approach childcare

I know that we were very lucky and were able to make choices that others weren't - i feel nothing but empathy for them, whether they wanted to go back to work and couldn't or wanted to stay at home

provided the children are cared for sympathetically, it seems a bit, well, decadent. There are mothers tonight whose children are dying for lack of food and clean water, whose children are damaged by abuse and other horrors. There is something really distateful in that context about attacking women who use paid childcare as screwing up their kids.

Hi OP, I will return to work in a few weeks time when my baby is exactly six months old. Of course I feel guilty about this decision although I suspect a mothers' lot is to feel guilt no matter what the situation.

As others have said, see how you feel once you have the baby. Do your research, perhaps get a care giver in place and tell your empoyer when you think you'll be back but know that you don't have to specify when you're going back until 28 days before you wish to return. This gives you the leeway to see how you feel - you may want an extra couple of months.

For me, I didn't know how I would feel when the baby was born though I was fairly certain I would want to go back and as it happens my baby is gorgeous, happy and easy going and I am having a blast on maternity leave. That said, I'm also aware that what I'm living at the moment doesn't approach "real life" and I need to go back to work. This is partly financial, partly for me and partly for the baby's benefit. I believe that the longer I keep him at home solely with me, the harder it will be for him to adjust to a change so it's either go back soon, or not until he's pre-school age by which time my career and earning prospects will be ruined. For what it's worth whilst this is the choice I've made, I think six months is a tiny bit too early, an extra month or two might have been nice but this is the way things are so...

He'll be at nursery, Mon-Fri 8-6 though I'll be working from home 2-days a week and DH will be working at home 1 day a week. We are also getting a cleaner (this was non-negotiable!) in order that we can devote weekends, holidays and evenings to the baby and ourselves. For the baby, well instead of a slightly distracted Mum in a house with limited space and limited toys he'll get to play with new things and other babies every day and I'm pretty sure they'll be feeding him a wider variety of food than I could ever think up!

Whatever anyone says, happy parents = happy baby so you do what's best for your family. Working full time and nursery may not work and if not I'll reassess. I'm certainly not going to continue with something that makes him miserable.

We were all brought up to work and most have done so since we were in our teens; I can't see how anyone can belive it's an easy decision to make to give up everything you have ever known in order to achieve some modern ideal of the perfect stay at home mum.

Lynette my argument works as I really don't think we want to go back to women in the workplace being like the 50s, we are so behind the US in terms of women in the workplace we really need to go forward and catch up rather than hark back to SAHM days which were really only a couple of decades.

I'm a SAHM by the way, we have a decent house, 2 cars and foreign holidays- its not a choice. However it is my money that has bought at least 50% of all this, I worked for 15 years before having DC and had enough money saved to be a SAHM for as many years as I wished that was my choice. I'm back to work soon through choice and will be employing a nanny again through my choice.

Unless you are HE somebody else is rearing your child some of the time.