Leaving a young baby for 10+ hours a day

[kcj748]

I am about to have my first baby in November and plan to return to work full time four or five months later. I am incredibly nervous about leaving my baby at this age for such a long amount of time. I don't have the option of working part time so this will be five days a week for at least ten hours a day. My husband works even longer hours. A family member could possibly help out one day a week but we would mostly have to do childcare. My salary will only just cover a full time nanny but I love my job and really wouldn't want to have to let it go. Ideally we would be leaving our baby with a childminder but I have no idea at what age this is realistic and am terribly nervous about leaving my baby at someone else's house and with someone won't be able to give him exclusive attention.

Is it completely insane to think any of this will be possible? Does anyone have any advice about childminders/nurseries and other possible options?

And when the hell did Bowlby say that the baby must not leave the mothers side?

He talked about sensitive and responsive mothering - ensuring that the infants needs were met...not chaining yourself to the baby.

Yes, who is boasting?

thermosflask, a baby will not have sufficient knowledge of this world to share your ideologal values and beliefs - which seems to be what's driving you there.

FWIW, DH and I are TTC no. 1; I'm planning on going back to work full-time after my maternity leave as well. I'm a software engineer and cannot afford to leave my field for any significant amount of time without my skills becoming completely redundant.

My mother did the same with both m and my sister - we spent the majority of our time with either our lovely childminder or with our grandmother. I don't think either of us has been scarred for life - we both seem reasonably normal. Not to mention our flawless Spanish pronounciation that resulted from CM speaking with her own children in her mother tongue.

Amanda seems to be boasting.

Ok, if it will make you lot happy, I'll say that it's absolutely fine to go off and leave your new born baby/1/2/3.....12/13/14 week old baby whilst you go off and do something far more important/interesting. Are you happy now?

Yep. Glad you've finally seen sense.

Having read through this, I was thinking ' so what about premature / SCBU babies, who HAVE to spend their early hours/days/weeks/months away from their mother?' Are they, too, destined for problems in later life? Or because the reason for the separation isn't because the mother is being 'selfish' and returning to work, is this somehow different?

"Amanda, why did you have to leave your baby for the first 14 weeks of his life? What did you have to do instead of look after him? I am genuinely interested?"

FFS Thermos!! Her baby might have been in hospital - she might have been in hospital - she might have been an inpatient undergoing chemo or mental health treatment or ANYTHING. It's NONE of your business and please for christ's sake think about what your generalisations are saying!

Adude, your baby will know exactly who you are by your smell and your voice and after a few weeks by sight.

spot on ladies, born at 26 weeks x

Jesus, I have never met anyone so unfeeling and unpityingly hard and self-righteous.

Maybe we should have a thread about what it's like to grow up with a mother who is incapable of understanding any other viewpoint other than her own?

Good point Rosina. My cousin's babies spent nearly 3 months in hospital as they were premature.

What should she have done, Thermos? Moved into the hospital and camped in SCBU so that she didn't leave their side?

Sorry that was clearly to Thermos and not to you Amanda! Cross-posted.

Theyoung, I asked the question of Amanda because I would like to know. If it was the sort of reasons you have suggested then of course she needs to go and have chemo therapy for eg.

Why don't you let her post and answer for herself?

"Moved into the hospital and camped in SCBU so that she didn't leave their side?"

Along with her other children of course - wouldn't want to [horrors] leave them with their father, would you?

Theyoung, if anyone is hard and unfeeling it's the mothers who leave their tiny babies for 50 hours a week.

She has answered! And my point is that you are making stupid sweeping generalisation about "if you leave your child they will be damaged" without thinking about how this feels to women in vulnerable situations who have to leave their babies.

I'm sure Amanda is super relieved to know that she has the Themos stamp of approval for "valid reason to leave her child".

thats ok knew what you ment. I just get so naffed off when people shout there mouths off about bonding blah blah some of us dont have a choice be that work or hospital or family. I did not want to leave my little boy but I had too. As a mum of a preemi you have so much guilt about it without other idiots people making you question bonding and the effect on there future well being.

Thermos, I know very well that a baby - even a young one - is capable of recognising people close to her.

My point was that a young baby will not be offended that her mother is not the one feeding her once the carer is a known person. Babies thankfully aren't born with a teeny weeny head full of ideological preconceptions.

I'm still in touch with and still love the CM who looked after me from when I was a tiny baby to when I was old enough to be left alone, by the way.

I'm out of here. I think you are being deliberately, wilfully offensive now.

And before you pat yourself on the back and diagnose me as a WOHM who can't admit the error of her ways, I am NOT someone who chose to leave her babies young. I went back to work two days a week when my babies were 15+ months.

But I still find your posts abhorrent.

Soooo...leaving babies while they are little, put career on hold, go back to piss poor salary, crap too small house and have to put them in the local school which is in special measures, or work hard while they are small, improve career prospects and earnings, live in nice house and send them to fantastic school where they are doing well?

Mmmm. Tricky decision. Not.

OP I have read "why love matters" it is a good read.

But don't listen to thermos. Ofcourse carers can be a stabilising and caring influence in addition to mum and dad.

I will send you a msg separately but I decided not to go back to work at 6 months so I delayed and delayed it. I even stupidly left my job because I couldn't see how I could leave my baby. Then at around the 13 month point I realised I did have to work. Now I have been working full time since that time but in new roles.

Put excellent childcare in place and it will be fine.

I have away sometimes been away for 12 hours Mon to Fri (one day I was away 16 hours!) . My DH does the contact in between. So he is dropped off at nursery around 8.30 and picked up around 6pm. (although one day a week we try pick up earlier).

I now wish I had just gone back to work at 6 months for many reasons such as that I would have kept my old job and I would not have had to prove myself in my new position by having to work doubly hard. It has been hard combining bfing and working ft (so not sure if that is your situation) but it has all worked out ok.

You have to be super organised but you have to do what you have to do and not listen to people like thermos who will just try guilt trip you.

You need positive people around and you won't have much time but I now love working. I just wish I had thought it through a bit earlier on.

Amanda couldn't leave your post unanswered. Please don't feel guilty. I am sure your baby is 100% attached and loved and loving.

I never do this but [hugs].

You are vile Thermos.

Can I ask what your mother did with you?

My DSIS (single mum) went back to work when DN was 6 months old, he had a lovely childminder, he is 5 now and is a lovely lad.
I don't think that DSIS was selfish, she worked to be able to provide for her DS. How can this be wrong? If she was not to work she could not keep up with the mortgage etc.
Not everyone can be a SAHM, any we shouldn't be making judgements or making people feel bad for working.

Oh what the heck, I'll admit it.

I am hard and unfeeling. I have purposely made decisions that will fuck up my children in later life in some mad experiment to see how far I can ruin their lives right from the start.

While pregnant, I planned their abandonment while eating soft cheese and peanuts. Wantonly plotting their demise while nurturing them in my womb. Laughing manically as I sent in my return to work letter.

But the last laugh will be mine. MINE, I tell you. You will watch in fear and torment as my emotionally damaged fucked up spawn become evil meglomaniacs that rule the arses of your well balanced offspring and trample on their dreams in persuit of world domination.

Moahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!

....

...Alternatively I could have just had to pay the bills, but you know. I'm checking out private volcanic islands just in case.