nanny driving issue

[silverfrog]

we have had our live-in nanny with us for 6 weeks or so now.

she is doing reasonably well at adjusting and coping (dd1 is ASD, this is nanny's first SN placement).

BUT

a large part of her job is driving - school runs (dds go to 2 different schools, always will. dd1's school run is 15 miles each way, part motorway, part urban, part tiny country lanes). nanny has never driven in this country before, but does hold full EU licence, and has doen for a few years. drives happily and confidently in her home country (apparently)

we have, all along, been upfront about the drive - highlighted that it wasn't for the fainthearted, that she would need to be comfortable driving as, due to timing differences etc, a large part of her job is driving.

we explicitly asked her if she thought she would be ok doing this. she said she would, but would appreciate some refresher lessons - we took this to mean gettingused ot driving on the left, familiarisation wit route kind of stuff. we agreed this, and have, imo, been generous in paying for these lessons.

she has, so far, had 10 hours of lessons - mostly in a dual control car ( - starting to look more like actual learnng to drive than refresher lessons) but has now moved on to using my car for lessons.

lessons have been taken in her normal working hours, thus inconveniencing me even more - I have had to drive an absolute tank of a car (Mercedes Viano) down narrow country lanes to fetch dd1 at times. I don't really mind, but it's not the greatest thing to have to do, especially in the wet.

so anyway. nanny had what was supposed ot be her last lesson yesterday.

today, she has made no mention of driving at all. not a query as to how we might handle the change over, not a peep at all.

so I took dd1 to school. came back, nanny wanted to take dd2 swimming, and expected her usual lift there and back.

then I had to set off to get dd1 form school (Friday + half day at her SN school). I get back to the house at 2.30pm, having had about 30 mins to myself all day, snatched in between school runs and taxi runs.

I ask nanny why she didn't drive at all today, not even to go into town swimming with dd2 (about 3 mile round trip ), and she says "because I felt a bit scared to do it, but I will be ok form Monday"

now I am deeply that she will be ok on Monday - what's going to change between now and then? (no more lessons booked)

I am away next week form Tuesday to friday, so it looks as though dd1 will not be going to school (how am I supposed ot be comfortable with her driving the girls around if, after 10 hours of refresher lessons she is too worried to even drive the car into town and park in the nice, generously sized spaces at theleisure centre?)

I'm screwed, really, aren't I?

We're heading into winter, its already dark by the time I collect dd1 after school - there's no way I'm going to trust her easily on the school run.

so, it's look for a new nanny, or shell out for even more lessons (which I am *seriously about - we agreed to a couple of lessons, and have already more than covered that, imo)

wwyd?

So sorry to hear it's played out this way, silver :(

But like you realised even before you employed a nanny, because you made it clear driving was a big part of it, you can't have a nanny who can't won't/drive. This nanny clearly had doubts about her capability to do that, a key part of the job, yet took it on anyway and is now backing out.

All the kindness, calmness and patience in the world is not going to make up for the fact nanny isn't capable fo doing a major part of the job. It's like having a chef who won't use a knife. They can be a marvellous cook and all the other skills there but if they constantly need someone on hand to chop stuff up then they're not going to be any use.

Can you go to the conference for half of it?

good analogy frakk :)

its a real shame,as obv it takes a special kind of nanny to work with dd1, and sounds like your nanny has bonded with dd, but if she cant drive or you arent happy with her driving, then she is useless and a great expense to you

weeelllll.

yes, absolutely chucking it down with us too - lanes not so much slippy/slimy leaves, more just completely submerged!

we talked this morning.

initially, she tried to say that she thought that we were using/wanted to use the car yesterday. the car was on the driveway, we were in the house. and we haev a second car anyway, so that doesn't really work as an excuse.

then she said "and it was the weekend" implying that it was her free time. yes, it was, but then it was not an unresonable ask from us that she practice, since she was so clearly worried.

I told her it was unacceptable that she thought she could practice with the children in the car (ie this morning, and the rest fo the week), and that if she thought she wasn't up to the job on friday, then I couldn't see what could have changed by now, givne she has not practised at all.

On my next sweep through the kitchen (don't you just love Monday mornings? ) she said she was sorry about yesterday, but she had just forgotten that we asked her to practice

so still, somehow, we are not getting the full story.

oh well.

at the moment i think I will still go to the conference - after all, I can always come home if needed... I have no worries about her care of the girls, and tbh, it was always going to be a big ask of the girls with me being away from them for such a length of time. If I don't try it, i won't know. dd1's school (they are so fab, it is untrue) have also said that if needed, she can call them and they will pop over and help out. (owner of the school is coming with me to the conference. well, she will be if she gets over her similar fears over being away for so long form her ds! - life as a SN parent,. who'd choose it, eh?!)

it does take soemone special to look after dd1, blondes, but mostly just to set aside pre-conceived notions of child development and autism, really. she is (mostly ) an absolute sweetie. she doesn't understand things, sometimes, and may shout, and she is clearly behind where she should be, chronolgically speaking, but she really is a delight to be around - her absolute pure joy at the fireworks this weekend was lovely to see .

what this has taught us is that we don't need a SN nanny at all. in fact, the ones we have seen have not been right for us, as they think they know it all, and dd1 is not a "typical" ASD child (if such a thing even exists!). we do need someone who is prepared to accept some things out of the norm, but really, it is just a case of getting on with children, which is kind of an expected given form nannies

I agree with the last post! Hopefully it will be an honest instructor not looking for more work though.
If you have employed your Nanny through an agency can you change?
Good luck

well, now I'm really

nanny has just absolutely insisted (nicely ) that she drive this afternoon on the way to pick up dd1, as there will be no children in the car, and then asked me to take a view after that.

so I have absolutely no idea what all the fuss has been about

I will do as she asks, and reserve judgement, but honestly, surely there was an easier way through all this?! like maybe just taking one of us for a 5 minute spin yesterday?!

Maybe she's realised you're being deadly serious about the no driving, no job but also making a point about how she wasn't happy about being asked to do things in her time off?

well, yes, on both counts.

but this originated because she didn't want to drive on Friday, and expected me to give her a lift to town to take dd2 swimming, as well as doing the school run etc.

it's all a bit baffling, tbh, and we clearly need to have a serious talk once this week is over!

Perhaps her thought process went something like

Don't want to drive, not going to til I have to.
Parents are asking me to do stuff in my time off, how very dare they?!
Bugger, am going to get fired cos I won't drive
(thinking face) Wonder if I volunteer to drive to school they'll let me stay on

I think that's probably a very good summation, tbh.

which of course brings me back to my original point that I'm not sure she's up to it (ref: point 1 of your precis)

ho-hum.

will see how she does this afternoon.

but am unconvinced bout her driving while I'm away still, but maybe she'll wow me with her driving skills.

Have scan read this post so forgive me if I have missed this element of the discussion already but surely the issue here is how confident she is.....if she isn't a confident driver but feels she has to drive them to keep her job then she may not be safe.

I drove last year with someone who had been driving my kids occassionally to school. she was quite old and i hadn't realised how hesitant she had got and I realised that she was unsafe so we stopped her driving the kids.

We had similar situation years ago. Amazing nanny, but then we realised she could only drive an automatic and we had a manual. We decided to keep her cos we lived in cenmtral london so it was ok as there was public transport but it sounds as if you need a confident competant driver.

Good luck what ever you decide.

The plot thickens if she was that worried then why didn't she ask to drive car yesterday ?

Guess see what her driving is like today&maybe once girls are in bed/after work she can go for another trial run to school - obv will be dark but then again it will be dark in the pm school run coming home

you don't have to let her drive to school tom if you are not sure and then see how she is with one of you next weekend - whether to keep her or not

good you have reliesed that you don't need a sn nanny - that will make your hunt easier if you decide to get rid of

I'm missing our car today :( (service in garage) and got a crappy curtesy car - it's a tin on wheels and can't get 3 kids in the back - let alone woofa in the boot - and I can feel it sliding on the roads and brakes rubbish so being very careful driving today

I think you should go to the sn conference - if a major problem you can leave early

Bumping to see how she drives

Hmm, well, it was okay

I didn't let her drive back once dd1 was in the car though, gut instinct was just saying no - its one of those things you'd never forgive yourself for, isn't it?

She is safe, and competent I suppose. But not at all confident, and a couple of things (braking just as she hit water on a deep puddle in the lanes) left ne uneasy.

She won't be taking the girls to school for the rest of this week, but that's no change.

I will head off to the conference, and see how that goes too. We do have a cargo bike (a kangaroo) if she does need to go out for anything while I'm away, but there's enough food etc, and another delivery arrivalsng tomorrow for top ups.

Will chat with dh and see what he thinks tonight re: future

Glad went okish - but yes trust gut instinct ALWAYS

unfortunally the only way she will gain confidence is to drive lots. So she needs to pratice but obv can't while you and dh are away

so maybe wait till next weekend and get her to drive alone at weekends and then all the time the following week on school runs with maybe you in the car

guess the question you need to ask yourself is will/can she improve/gain confidence in the 4 weeks notice she may have rather than you try to find a new nanny and get her start iyswim

Silverfrog - what a nightmare!

I used to live in a place that sounds like where you live (until you named some local areas I thought it might be the same place!).

No matter how lovely/good/understanding or anything else she was, there's no way I'd allow her to drive my car, let alone my kids, around with her lack of confidence. It's just too risky.

I would give her notice tbh, even though it means going through the 'hiring' process again. To me, it's just not worth the risk.

I can see what blondes is saying re the 4 weeks, but for me, I think that time is too short for her to gain the kind of confidence I would be happy with. It would be different it it was a normal suburb, wide roads etc.

Well..my experience has always been when I haven't been sure about a nanny it's turned out that it wasn't right and either we've fired her or she's resigned (not as many as this sounds..but just am saying generally trust your gut instinct).

But am wondering how much of this "nanny driving anxiety" is tied up in the fact you are heading off for (i think) the first time to an away from home event...maybe just that is quite stressful and some of this is displaced anxiety that anyone would feel about that. And with a DD with SN that exacerbates it, but it's the same for all of us really. And if she's good with DD that's a real bonus. Maybe firefrakkers is right.

Hope the conference is great.

I agree with workingitout. It seems that your anxieties of leaving dc are high and you may subconsciously be displacing it on the nanny's driving.
I may be well out of order here, though. Just my external view from reading your posts. :)

This is why you shouldn't make any decisions till you come back (just incase inner anxietys) tho you don't sound nervous to me that you are leaving your dd's

If the instructor thinks she is ok .......,.

Maybe she feels more self concious(sp) as you are in the car ........ Tho tbh it shouldn't make a difference - as I said I always drive my MB everyday and even db sometimes ( tho he makes comments&i ignore him)

Hmm, yes can see what you mean re anxiety, but honestly my worries about her driving are not due to that. I am worried that dds will be upset by my absence - thats only natural. They are 6 and 3, and for the first time in their lives they will have someone other than a parent putting them to bed more than once.. .
But i know deep down that they will survive. And be happy most of the time. They will be upset at key times, but nanny is more than capable of calming them. If i didnt think that, there is absolutely no way i could go. The potential fallout is too high where dd1 is concerned. The reason i am wavering re going is that now dd1s routine is going to be completely shattered. Not only will she have to cope with me being away, but with lack of school (which she adores) to top this, by nature of dd1 being at school fulltime, nanny has not had to cope with dd1 for extended periods of time at all, let alone when she is anxious. Nonethless i am confident she will cope. It is just such a bugger that the week has to be so disrupted for dd1 - she will miss swimming, riding, tumble tots and trampolining, as well as her teachers. And they will be confined to house and garden due to non driving - dd1 does not take to confinement well. Still, we will see wick happens, but honestly honestly, come the weekend, nanny will still be a shocking driver, and come next week, she will still not be driving my children anywhere. (Apologies for lack of paragraphs, phone gone weird on me...)

How about a taxi just for the week & make nanny amuse herself while DD is at school (no return taxi) OR the school transport just for this week?

Thabks, chippingIn - no can do.

School is tiny (3 pupils!) and in the middle of nowhere - that's where the lanes come into it - there would be nowhere for nanny and dd2 to be/nothing to do at all except wait around...

taxi would be far too £££ - school is in next county.

can't arrange transport at short notice - like all "benefits" it is reams of paperwork, assessments, risk assessments, arguments about whether you are worthy of it, the list goes on

all will be fine, and dd1 will cope. I suspect nanny will end up more frazzled, tbh - an entire week full of Mr tumble, sibling squabbles (thus far not occurred too many times as they miss each other when apart but fight to the death when cooped up together ) and toilet training (dd2 is In Pants for the first time this week) will have nanny ruing the day she didn't practice her driving and

Gawd I remember when I got cabin fever when got snowed in this year and last year for a few days at work

I pity your nanny 'evil cackle back' but seriously your dd will miss out if nanny doesn't sort out her driving but you are right in that she won't get confidence in a few weeks so unless she can prove to you she can drive and you happy with skills then you are going to have to fire her

would you consider an intensive course/every day lessons but that the nanny should pay

she took the job on knowing she needed to drive LOTS and if she wants to keep it she needs to make an effort

It's also good that you have every confidence in her 24hr care while you are away - again this speaks volumnes and makes me wonder is it possibly to salvage something and keep her if she can prove her driving

if not then The only good thing I can think of is that you are not desperate for a nanny - ie you havnt got to be at work 9+hrs a day and HAVE to find childcare - you can do it yourself if need be

can I suggest at your next interviews that you get the nanny to go out for a drive with you -possibly to school and back to see how she can drive

or at least on 2nd interview

how long does the journey take on an average day?

Agree with blondes you should incorporate a driving excursion into next nanny's interview.

The only thing I can suggest for this nanny is sending her on a skid-pan day/defensive driving course. Does wonders for your confidence behind the wheel! Ordinary lessons aren't going to do it and if she needs to practice in her own time she doesn't seem that motivated, plus it will probably take time for her to reach a point where she's confident taking the children.

SilverFrog - 3 pupils?? Blimey, that is small

It does seem a shame to let her go when she does (thus far anyway) seem to be good in all other ways - mind you, this week might sort that out as well!!

I personally think that the kind of confidence your nanny needs to drive those kind of roads, especially in winter, is the sort of confidence you only get from years of driving and it's not something that can be gained in a defensive driving/skid course.

I think the best thing to do would be to (try to) forget about it this week and then rethink afterwards.

I hope the girls give the nanny a hard time (evil) being at home all week - but that they have a nice time :)

I would hide the keys (not take them with you, so you can tell her where they are in an emergency) just in case cabin fever sets in and she decides to take them out somewhere.

I hope your conference is good!

OP - how did the week go?