nanny driving issue

[silverfrog]

we have had our live-in nanny with us for 6 weeks or so now.

she is doing reasonably well at adjusting and coping (dd1 is ASD, this is nanny's first SN placement).

BUT

a large part of her job is driving - school runs (dds go to 2 different schools, always will. dd1's school run is 15 miles each way, part motorway, part urban, part tiny country lanes). nanny has never driven in this country before, but does hold full EU licence, and has doen for a few years. drives happily and confidently in her home country (apparently)

we have, all along, been upfront about the drive - highlighted that it wasn't for the fainthearted, that she would need to be comfortable driving as, due to timing differences etc, a large part of her job is driving.

we explicitly asked her if she thought she would be ok doing this. she said she would, but would appreciate some refresher lessons - we took this to mean gettingused ot driving on the left, familiarisation wit route kind of stuff. we agreed this, and have, imo, been generous in paying for these lessons.

she has, so far, had 10 hours of lessons - mostly in a dual control car ( - starting to look more like actual learnng to drive than refresher lessons) but has now moved on to using my car for lessons.

lessons have been taken in her normal working hours, thus inconveniencing me even more - I have had to drive an absolute tank of a car (Mercedes Viano) down narrow country lanes to fetch dd1 at times. I don't really mind, but it's not the greatest thing to have to do, especially in the wet.

so anyway. nanny had what was supposed ot be her last lesson yesterday.

today, she has made no mention of driving at all. not a query as to how we might handle the change over, not a peep at all.

so I took dd1 to school. came back, nanny wanted to take dd2 swimming, and expected her usual lift there and back.

then I had to set off to get dd1 form school (Friday + half day at her SN school). I get back to the house at 2.30pm, having had about 30 mins to myself all day, snatched in between school runs and taxi runs.

I ask nanny why she didn't drive at all today, not even to go into town swimming with dd2 (about 3 mile round trip ), and she says "because I felt a bit scared to do it, but I will be ok form Monday"

now I am deeply that she will be ok on Monday - what's going to change between now and then? (no more lessons booked)

I am away next week form Tuesday to friday, so it looks as though dd1 will not be going to school (how am I supposed ot be comfortable with her driving the girls around if, after 10 hours of refresher lessons she is too worried to even drive the car into town and park in the nice, generously sized spaces at theleisure centre?)

I'm screwed, really, aren't I?

We're heading into winter, its already dark by the time I collect dd1 after school - there's no way I'm going to trust her easily on the school run.

so, it's look for a new nanny, or shell out for even more lessons (which I am *seriously about - we agreed to a couple of lessons, and have already more than covered that, imo)

wwyd?

Agree, she might not he bothered. Maybe she equally thinks we are making a fuss, and come Tuesday, will wave her off cheerfully as I set off for the rest of the week.

When I mentioned lifts, I don't mean for her personally - it was eg to take dd2 swimming. I started doing so when she began, as she needed refreshed lessons.

I cannot do the school run next week as I have to go away to a conference. Dh is never around for the school run. The only safe option is that dd1 doesn't go to school. Given the ASD, nanny is going to be a little frazzled by the time I get back on Friday, having been confined to the house with dd1 for 3 days...

Will not be chatting tonight, other than to tell her we are not confident with her driving ability therefore she is not to drve next week, as don't want to leave her for most of the week having given notice. Might be overcautious on our part, but that's the way we feel. Even a cross word out of place can have big implications for dd1, due to her autism, so we wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation (must stress nanny has done nothing to give us this feeling, just our hyper-sensitive handling of dd1 over numerous years)

good point about giving notice and you not being there - sure she wouldnt do anything but not worth the risk incase ........

see what happens tomorrow - ideally she will ask for car keys and do journey with you as passenger

if not then give her car keys and go with her and see what her driving is like

if she refuses to drive then you have no choice but to give her notice when you return - you made it very clear that driving was a HUGE part of this job and she is not competent enough

I know the area you want your nanny to drive around ,at the moment not too difficult with weather ok but what will she be like when having to drive on snow around there.I do agree with a previous poster that the country your nanny gained her licence is very important some tests abroad are nothing more than aquick drive around the block.you wont be able to do your job as well if you are worried all the time that your DC are not safe.

Hi there. Blondes

Absolutely, euracantha. Before too long there will be frost/ice, then snow etc. Yes, when the snow is very bad there is no school, but only until the roads are passable, which still means a fair amount of slush/ice about. Not to mention the potholes once the roads freeze

Tbh, blondes, tomorrow is too late. Her position on Friday was that she was too worried to drive that day, but would be ok on Monday

She could drive with me as passenger tomorrow, but I would want to do that both morning and afternoon, as different conditions (dark etc) as well as different route to puck up dd2 as well in the afternoon. Which leaves no time for her to do a solo run before I go away. Not acceptable. And also no time for dd1 to get used to the routine (only need a day or so) change, so she would be shouting/more noisy than usual for nanny come Tuesday, which wouldn't exactly help her concentration!

I already told dd1s school on Friday that she wouldn't be in - it was clear from the moment she didn't ask for the keys on Friday morning that she was avoiding the subject.

I think you have to let her go.

Sorry I mean fire her,not let her drive your DC .

Why not get a UK nanny. No way in the world would I let an inexperienced driver drive MY kids!
Too scary for words

tbh the only thing you can do is let her go, - and find a nanny who can drive - but it would be interesting to get her to drive tomorrow so you can see what she is like

obviously you cant/wont trust her to do school runs rest of week, but might give you an insight of what her driving is like and then maybe decide when you are back if this can work (tho sounds as if too late)

hmmm I agree,as it's a not very nice and fairly long journey,every day twice a day ?

there's no way I could allow anyone who is even remotely "scared" to do the drive with my kids in the car!

However I am a baby when it comes to lanes!
and will go the "long way round" to avoid them sometimes haha!

Have you asked her outright what she is scared of ? is it driving in general? the lanes? or what?

sometimes people take jobs,esp if been out of work for some time... and some aspects aren't ideal
( in this case the school run) BUT they go for, and take the job anyway as they are desperate for work / money

could this be the case in this instance?

Tech it would be 4 times a day - there and back twice

next week by the time I pick up at school it's gonna dark :( by the time I get back to work it's gonna be pitch black

'makes mental note to self' - must leave outside light on at 2.45 when I leave for school

Well, latest update.

She is back - hqs been in since 3pm ish, has disappeared up to her room, not a mention of drivingng/practicing etc

So I guess she doesn't agree that she could do with the practice...

We have spoken to her instructor, who says she doesn't need anymore lessons, and should be fine.

So it appears the onpy.problem is confidence, and we and we cannot let her gain that with our children in the car.

Now the only bit left to decide is whether I cancel my attendance at conference or not. Both dds will be thrown by having their week disrupted if not attending school at all, and by the time I tell nanny that we are not confident with her driverng, she will surely begin to put 2 and 2 together re: job security?

And I have never been away.from the girls for.so long before - without school to break up her day, it will seem like forever to dd1 , and she won't understand where I am why I am away etc.

Oh bollocks.

so she obv doesn't think there is a problem - you can let her drive tomorrow with you as passenger to judge her driving skills but still doesn't help you solve Tuesday onwards

unfortunally you have left this too late - shame you didn't force her to drive a week ago

don't suppose you can get a temp nanny in to help/drive - I'm booked up all week so can't help you

Seems a shame that dd's miss school - is there any way a taxi cab take her to school and nanny get train/bus home?

But you are prob too much in the country like me - a bus wouldn't even fit down my lane

any relatives who can stay for a week? Can dh help out at all?

The tidings crept up on us a bit - we were away over half term (last minute decision!), but its more because the whole process took longer than it should. She only started driving our car, instead of dual control, a week ago (we told her a month ago that I would be away this week)

Temp nanny wouldn't help - dd1 would be freaked out by it.

Dh can't help this week (has a business management thing on), and no relatives who could help.

Taxi would be £££££, and no way nanny could get back, other than more £££££ in the taxi.

It's a real bugger, and am none too pleased with dh as he's known about this for months, and I have kept checking his evenings were free (dont help with school run, but does mean the dds see one of us daily) and he has only mentioned this weekend he is out 2 of the nights I am away. Have a pre-arranged thing on Monday, so dds will not have either of us in the evening all week until I get back on Friday. (dh will probably end up being late the other might too) that's a big ask...

Oh well, I guess I wasn't meant to have a life after children

Oh, meant to add. Dh did drive with her a week ago, and she was doing ok. It appeared she needed a coupke more lessons for confidence. Her instructor is baffled as to why she didnt want to drive on friday, he reckons she was all set to go.

So the missing feature is confidence to drive alone, and that is a hurdle only she can solve. But she can't and won't be solving it with my children in the car.

so why on earth didnt she have a drive this afternoon??

seems no other solution - and then what happens when you are back - do you let her drive alone week after next? or get rid of her?

i feel your pain :(

Quite

I am totally confused as to what she thinks is going to happen now. Presumably, she thinks there is no need for her to practice. But then why wouldn't she drive on Friday?

Since she was worried then, how will her fears have evaporated over the weekend? Unless of course, she went and drove around a lot somewhere, but ti certainly wasn't in our car if she did, and the size of our car is one of the things she has said worried her...

Once I am back (if I go - the whole up in the air nature of this leaves me questioning a lot of things) she will have to go. There is no way I'd be trusting her to drive about when she couldn't trust herself to do so, and without driving, there is little point in having her.

So, back to the drawing board. I guess I won't be back to studying this year after all!

Why don't you just go up to her room, knock on her door and tell her all this?

Say - point blank - why didn't you offer to drive on Friday, is it that you're not comfortable? As you know, I'm going away this week and I don't know that I am comfortable with you practising with DD. Do you feel you need no practising?

And just see what she says....

She has already said that she didn't drive on Friday due to being worried about it.

We told her yesterday (first opportunity to do so) that this made us uncomfortable, and that we expected her to do some practice before Monday, so that she felt more comfortable.

She has not done so.

I am already resigned to dd1 not going to school if I do attend the conference - I told them on Friday she wouldn't be in. There is not time now for her to convince me she will be ok, especially given her attitude even after we specifically asked her tom practice.

I don't thinknit is my job to persuade her that she should be doing all she can to prove to me that she is capable of doing the driving next week. She has burned her bridges there, tbh. She is 26, not 6, and claims to like open and honest. We have been, she hasn't.

All that remains is for me to decide whether I attend the conference or not ( which is more anoutbthe fact that dh now won't be home in the evenings when he said he would - it's a big thing for dd1 to be away from either of us for so long. DH's stuff is to do with work, which I guess takes precedence (mine is attending an autism conference/workshop - good for gaining new skills and insights, but not work or bill-paying)

is the conference in daytime? could you drive there and be back in eves, tho obv doesnt help with school runs

where did you get this nanny,if agency then complain and demand fee back

It's in Cardiff , so even without evening sessions it would be tricky!

No agency, just recommendation.

She has been fab, other than the driving. Completely efficient, calm, capable, really very good with dd1.

Still, you live and learn, and life goes on.

This thread reminds me of the au-pairing gap year I did when I was 18........ About a week into the job my "family" (mother, father and four year old) and I were driving up the mountain to their ski chalet. The father pulled over at the side of a mountain road and said "your turn now", I climbed into the drivers seat of this enormous 7 seater Chrysler Grand Voyager and nearly pooped myself, I drove it on the "other side" of the road all the way up a mountain road to their chalet..... I can still remember it now (15 years later), but I did it and it made driving their daughter around their local town during the day very easy !! I guess they were just testing me, to make sure I was confident (lol, I had grown up on the Isle of Man so continental driving was way beyond my experience - I had passed my test at 16 though so had a couple of years of practice though)

Anyway, depending on the importance of the conference then in your situation I would see what your nanny does tomorrow (ie whether she will confidently drive), if not, then cancel your attendance at the conference and give her notice. If she's super confident with you in the car then I would be confident of her doing it on her own (she is more likely to be nervous with you in the car).

I personally think that she won't do it, or will do it very reluctantly, and you will have to let her go. I do lots and lots of driving now so struggle to understand people who get nervous of motorways etc, but it is quite a responsibility to take other people's children in the car. It is however, part of her job so if she can't do it then let her go (I realise that doesn't help you either).

Good luck !

i don't understand why you have not gone up to her room and insisted that she go out in the car, either with or without one of you? It's too late now, but you have left yourself in a complete hole in terms of work tomorrow. You also don't know now whether she will or won't drive the children in the morning whereas if you had forced the issue this afternoon at least you would have had an answer one way or the other.

Helen, thanks. I too don't really understand peoples issues wrt driving - you either do or don't, surely? And especially after having had so many refresher lessons too.

Ann - I don't work, so tomorrow is ok. I explained earlier why we haven't just insisted. We have told her the situation, and what we expected. We are not her parents, here to chase up every little thing. Tbh, that's not the kind of person I want working for me.

It clearly does not matter enough to her, although god only know what she expects is going to happen tomorrow - I look forward to hearing her explanation of why she didn't need the practice, having been so worried about driving on Friday.

I also didn't want to force the issue as how this situation has played outnhas told me exactly what I needed to know - that nanny is extremely reluctant to do any driving. If we had directly told her to drive, she would have done so, and going on previous experience, she would have been competent.

But for whatever reason she seems to have a block about doing it herself. An that is not good enough.

We have done all that we can to help her. Provided more lessons than would be reasonable to expect, and I have been happy to do the school runs etc while she got comfortable with it all.

But at the funnel hurdle she has fallen. We cannot given her the confidence she so clearly lacks. And without that confidence (not asking for advanced driver skills, btw, just calm, capable driving on a variety of roads) she is not the nanny for us

so what happened this morning? peeing down here so assuming your lanes are like mine, slippery slimy leaves?

i also dont understand the non driving thing, i have 2 friends who refuse motorways - but as you said she is 26 and not a child and you made it clear to her she needed to practice and she didnt - tbh she is behaving like a spoilt toddler by refusing