No visitors until 2 weeks after the birth

[nappyaddict]

When people say this do they mean no one at all? When DS was born I couldn't imagine keeping my parents and sister away for 2 whole weeks!!

See it all seems very well while people are being considerate and say bringing a gift or a card and making their own teas and seeing if you want help stopping for an hour telling you you are fantastic but lots seem to pop over sit there for 4 hour expect to be waited on so I'd ban them too!

People seem to forget you're exhausted and you just want to pid about and that your DH is also tired even if you are BF he's still been through it with you and looking after other kids house etc

with my first I had a few visitors
mostly mother telling me off for BF and sister joining in whilst whining that it wasn't fair I was BF or commenting that she was always feeding and did I have to get my baps out in front of my father (yes because even if he were a lot odd I don't think swollen veiny milk full hard sore breasts are in any wya shape or form something to even get excited about)
so I eventually told them to leave

with my second I just wanted to hold and smell my son I wanted to just lay there and look at the magical little being that I had just introduced to the world.
Even though the birth was great we were all still knackered and needed time for us.

I don't have anyone to visit so no one did
we went for a walk when he was 9 hours old

People strike me as terribly selfish they think they have a right to invade you if they respected your wishes they'd be welcome it's not being precious asking for some time out it's about saying hello to your new baby not having the world and his dog handling them that's your right - if someone gets narky they aren't a friend.

This is nearly 30 years ago for me, but I had the hideous in-laws visit in hospital pressing filthy coins into my beautiful babe's hand 'for luck', waking her up when asleep and jiggling her up and down on laps speculating whether she had her dad's hands and feet (no!) and then wanting to practically camp out at MY house after we were discharged. This provoked an "It's either your mother or me" ultimatum to DH and I was SERIOUS! Don't let other people dictate to you: it's your baby, it's your party and you can invite whomever you want. Don't be pressurised into seeing people you don't want to see. Put some photos on-line and them you'll call when baby's established feeding etc.

We do the no / seriously limited visitor thing. Just had DC2 and two of my friends on post-natal with me so could not avoid!

mamatilly Your parents aren't nearby though are they? What about DH's parents?

I was pretty vocal about keeping visits to the minimum after my second dc. But having said that I did like my child free (by choice) friends popping in as they were too freaked out by the baby to hold her or to stay for too long. But I got a nice chat and gossip with them . TBH personally I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have a house full of visitors after having a baby. But am still very of people who can treat it like a huge celebration.

WHen I had DS1 I had an emergency c-section and was all over the place... I was going through a real tough time and was eventually sectioned... Anyway...

One day after he was born I woke (after a half hour kip) to find 12 people standing around my hospital bed... Yes most of them were family and close friends, but I watched as they were all laughing and passing him around like a trophy. It was awful. I got up (with help from my DH and went to the bathroom where I sat and cried. I came back with everyone waiting for me and they all said their goodbyes. None of the staff seemed bothered that I was in a state that night. DH left and there I was all alone again. A lovely Chinese doctor saw me crying and came in to see me he talked to me for well over an hour. (I was then put into the mother and baby unit)

Soo... When DS2 was born (via c-section) I asked for no visitors at all. I had spent 3 months on the antenatal ward and did not want visitors coming in whenever they felt like it so I told the midwives that if anyone was to come and visit then they would have to be turned away. (there were a couple of exceptions like MIL and my mum). I was extremely lucky that I had a private room and DH was allowed to stay with me for a night. I think there should be a rule to say no visitors...

When my DS was born, I had my close family come visit me in Hospital, unfortunately they had just come up fro Cornwall so as to arrive literally before he was born - my mum arrived in the labour ward and I was too out of it to tell her to get out of the delivery suite.

Then, the next day, she, my sister and my brother piled into the cublicle I has in the maternity ward and sat thee for ages, bringing me piles of gifts. I felt really swamped, but didn't know what to say as they couldn't stay for too long because of work committments back in Cornwall. When I got back home they arrived again, and my mum basicaly went on and on about the state of the house, and clutched DS like he was about to die or something. When DH's parents came round (who also live a fair way away and had timed their visit so that I'd at least be out of the hospital) they barely got a look in because my mum 'wasn't going to see him again for months'.

It's caused an awful lot of tension, and the sheer number of people that arrived in our house meant that come had to sit on our dining chairs or the floor. My mum, again afriad that she wouldn't be around, brought a ridiculous number of gifts, which we had no room for and most of them were never used. I was utterly overwhelmed by the influx of family, and it left me feeling drained and stressed. Next time, I'm certainly restricting things a bit more - at least until I'm out of hospital.

The other problem I had was the number of other new mum's visitors in the hospital. I understand completely that people want to see the baby, but when you have three year olds running around the wards all day, and your sleep pattern has been upended by a long labour, it's the last thing you need. Children that young don't need to see their new sibling that urgently - I certainly never went to visit my mum in the hospital, and I didn't end up hating by younger brother and sister.

In summary then (!) I think visitors at home are up to the individual, although perhaps the midwife should take a couple of minutes to sit down and discuss things like that before the birth. Before your first baby you don't realise joust how awkward moving around and doing things that you take for granted will be, so it's easy to agree to people coming over. If the first few days were as well thought out as a proper birth plan it wouldn't be a problem. Hospitals should have tighter regulations. I know it's nice to introduce the baby, but when there are six people to a ward, and the other five have their families in and you didn't have any sleep because you were giving birth, the noise and confusion is just too much. I've never had a problem with partners being there, but small children can make the birth experience a misery for other mums.

I appreciate I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but you wouldn't put up with small children running around any other ward. Mums that have had cesarians have had a major operation (although my delivery was ventouse assisted, I had stitches too...), shouldn't they be entitled to the same recovery standards that any other patient has?

Tott, I do sympathise but small children are allowed on a lot of other wards. DH is in hospital quite regularly and the hospital staff and DH have been very happy for me to bring in nearly 2yo DD. IME, it is not allowed where there is a high risk of infection (to either patient or small child) but is otherwise okay.

Also, many people don't have parents/ friends etc to look after existing children so banning siblings would mean that DHs/DPs couldn't visit either which some people would find very difficult. Most hospitals do heavily restrict the children who can come onto the ward and the hours in which they can do so, so I just don't see it is a real problem when set alongside some of hte other issues in postnatal wards.

I am definitely having a ban. Only husband and my mother will be allowed at the hospital. I also hope not to keep visitors away for the first few days, ideally a week.

You don't usually get such large groups of people celebrating on other wards though betterthanlife

I remember lying in my bed crying with exhaustion while my baby was in NICU facing an uncertain future. I'd not slept since before I went into labour and could not get any rest with everyone elses visitors crowding and celebrating their joy at the bouncing babies everyone else seemed to have.

That was a kind of torture.

I do sympathise and my point was in response to Tott's comment that children weren't allowed on other wards.

FWIW, I think people in your situation should have the private rooms instead of it being on a payment basis but the hospital where DD was born and where (hopefully) DC2 will be born both have policies that no more than 3 people are allowed at any one time and then only DHs other than between 2-4. I do struggle a bit to see how that is unfair on the other people on the ward.

betterthanlife, they had the 3 visitors rule at the hospital where I had dd's, but some people had tons (i counted 9 for the woman next to me, they were there all day, with 2 small kids as well, who kept coming through the curtain and going through my suitcase!)

The MWs didn't say a word!

betterthanlife - in fairness to the hospital, I was eventually moved to a private room once one became available.

It's not the bigget problem, no, but it can be an easily avoidable source of additional stress. If you've had a bad birthing experience, then the noise of young visitors can be the last straw. I do appreciate that childcare can be a problem, but the majority of women aren't on the ward for much more than a day or so. For the couple of hours that DPs would be at the hospital, a babysitter could give the other new mums the much needed peace that is currently lacking in maternity wards.

Maybe I have been lucky as the MWs in the first hospital patrolled all the cubicles to check the limit on visitor numbers and kicked people out if there were too many.

I'm probably a bit biased the other way actually as my brother was born on my birthday. I didn't care about seeing the baby but would have been very upset about not seeing my mum.

I just don't think the noise of other people's children for a short period of time is that much of a problem - certainly not to the extent that the mother's own children shouldn't be allowed on post-natal wards although I completely agree that everyone should be able to choose their own visitors.

Upwind - aren't there beds for the parents to stay on in your hopsital's NICU?

tott It would make me very unhappy not too see my ds after no 2 is born and be able too make him feel loved,. I would however be considerate to you and try to make him behave and his visit short but on a public ward there are many visitors and whats ideal too one may not be for all. My hospital separates c- section , natural and assisted births into different rooms. If it really bothers you why don't you suggest your hospital does this.

You know when the hospital has a restriction to 3 visitors on the maternity ward is that including your partner or as well as?

Your partner is included a hospital by me had a two visitors introduced a few months ago and when my sil went in they were very strict her mum tried to sneak in so they threw her dh son and her mum out.

so you are only allowed your partner and one other visitor?

i can see the need for restricting visitors but i do think there needs to be some flexibility if it is needed. for example my friend had a baby last year and had 3 other children so they were allowed to visit with her partner, making it 4 people in total.

Thats partly why I am going to allow no visitors first day because when my sil had her son everyone was visiting hospital and having 15 minutes each she had a c-section so was in a while I didn't want to visit but she called me crying because she felt alone but her son and dh had only 20 mins during 2 hour visiting time I felt really sorry for them.

I fully agree on hospitals limiting the number of visitors but there does need to be some flexibility too when it comes to siblings and DH's etc.

My hospital only allowed DH's in out of visiting hours but did not have any restrictions on numbers during visiting hours. After a very long and tiring labour and after being rushed out of the delivery suite ASAP as they needed the bed, I was wheeled into my small ward (only 3 beds) to be 'stared' at by 10 non-english speaking male visitors (no females) visiting another lady on my ward...... to say this made me feel uncomfortable was an understatement, as there was no room around the bed they were visiting they congregated in the communal area which was right opposite to where I was put and just 'stared' at me. Until my stunned DH followed me in and was able to draw the curtains for me.

I do think siblings should be allowed to visit (but removed if they become disruptive) This will be my 2nd and I look after DS full time and I think to prevent a child who is used to a certain level of attention from their mother from not seeing them might not help their bonding with the new baby.

The trouble is, there's no ideal solution. Some people are fine with lots of visitors. I was overwhelmed by the whole experience. whatever descision someone makes, others will lose out. If there's a ban on visitors, people will miss seeing their other children, if there isn't, other mums often feel crowded. I don't think there will ever be a 'right' answer, other than the very unrealistic goal to put everyone in a private room.

I'm not at all suggesting that my views are right; I'm only basing them on my experience. Possibly if I'd had abetter experience with my anti-natal care and the delivery I wouldn't have felt so overwhelmed by everything, but I did, and I hated every minute in the hospital, and the first few days at home when everyone swamped me. It didn't help of course that DS came along about five years early, and neither myself or DH were actually prepared for a child in any way... knowing this, you can now take everything I say with a heavy pinch of salt!

tott I do understand and you are right whats good for one is not good for another sometimes there is no ideal solution. I've contemplated home birth for this reason but dp is very worried about this option and its the only thing he has really voiced concerns about.

I'd say home birth depends on where you are. If the hospital is nearby incase things go wrong and the midwife care is good there's no reason to go into hospital - plenty of people have very good home birth experiences. If you're a long way from hospital though, and there is a complication, you do start running risks. Plus, there aren't the same pain relief options at home.

Maybe get your midwife to talk to your dp and go over it. He might be more reassured if she's confident that you'll be okay.