No visitors until 2 weeks after the birth

[nappyaddict]

When people say this do they mean no one at all? When DS was born I couldn't imagine keeping my parents and sister away for 2 whole weeks!!

I had mostly hideous births (ended up in HDU after one birth) and always had my parents and MIL (who is a nightmare/rude etc) the day of birth or day after. Had all on sundry, even people I had never met (friends of family, uninvited) after DD1, abit embarrassing after an op with people I never met holding my baby.

I won't have any more babies but were I to do it again I would limit it to family and people who have had babies. Had one friend who came round 4 days after I came home from my CS, was in absolute agony with SPD (which had got worse, not better after giving birth) and stayed for hours. I just wanted to sleep

DD2 was born at home and ILs cared for DD1, I was completely mortified when they all traipsed into my minature bedroom 6 hours later, but they were so chuffed to see one of their grandchildren on their actual birthday that I softened. My problem was not restricting visitors but trying to get out and about for walks etc., without bumping into someone I knew (even a little bit) every two minutes. Bloody village-y atmosphere in the city, my arse.

A good point has been brought up a couple of times with breastfeeding, with those who like having lots of visitors, did you just get them out and start feeding infront of visitors? i think the whole of dp's family got 'treated' to mine when they called. Then again it was a good way of getting rid.......

I can totally understand saying no visitors for a while especially if you've had any sort of traumatic delivery.

We told everyone no visitors for a week after we got home with Ds1. We'd spent a month in SCBU and just wanted some time for the three of us alone. MIL lasted two days. Mind you, she turned up at the hospital when I was in recovery (had a c-section due to IUGR and pre-eclampsia) having been told by DH that there was no point her coming down as she wouldn't be able to come in and see either me or the baby.

By the time we had DS2, we were living at my mum's while waiting for our housesale to go through so we surrounded by people all the time.

I think those are some very good points, roundwindow. What you do postpartum depends on your home circumstances and on your usual relationships with family and friends. After we had dd I stayed in hospital 1 night and quite a few friends visiting (I work in the unit I delivered in), who were all sensitive enough to ring the ward first and check it was ok. They generally just wanted to see dd and many brought a kind gift for her or me (best was mini bottle of red and large bar chocolate - yum!) They didn't stay too long and I really appreciated these visits. Other friends dotted around country or overseas and tbh not that close now - same for lots of us I guess with friends from college etc over 20 years ago.

When went home didn't have visitors as felt just needed to settle in to our new life, get bf established and generally chill. Unfortunately don't get on with family brilliantly; my parents don't drive and live 70 miles away, my sister lives near them and refuses to drive on motorways... Our house is a wreck that we are trying to renovate (slowly, due to lack of money and dh ill-health), has no room for visitors to stay. Unfortunately family literally wanted to "see the baby", not to help at all and a visit from them would have involved them waiting for me to entertain them whilst they made disparaging comments about house.

We ended driving to see them a week after delivery so that parents, sister, bil and niece/nephew could see her all in one go. Was already begining to suffer with pretty bad pnd at that point, and at several visits I made with dd over the next few weeks no-one asked how I was, made me a cup of tea or offered to do so much as change dd's nappy... and was ushered out of room every time I tried to bf (or asked why I wasn't feeding "normally" ie: bottle). Dh was fantastic despite his own problems with depression and managed to keep me going.

Expecting 2nd dc in September and same will apply! I'm not a control freak or a billy no-mates - can't tell you how envious I am of friends whose family have cleaned house, got food in , helped with bf and been generally supportive in first few weeks of having new baby. Just pointing out that everyone isn't so lucky!

One of the problems that I had with DD1 is that even lovely people who'd had children themselves would ask "can we come around at 8pm on Tuesday?". Which is very nice, and much better than insisting or turning up unannounced. But I had no idea whether Tuesday at 8pm was going to be a good idea! As it turned out, we had visitors arrive when I was trying to do the first postnatal poo (having had the world's largest episiotomy and massive piles). We had visitors when DD1 was permanently attached to my breasts. I've had my FIL comment on the fact that I was sitting on a cushion all the time (at least he knew not to continue the conversation when I admitted, yes I did have stitches - maybe I should have given him the full low-down ).

Anyway, I initiated a rule that people would arrange a visit, but then would phone before they left to make sure that it was still convenient and that the baby wasn't screaming while I sobbed uncontrollably. That worked much better.

Would not shut my Mum out from this special time.But most of my friends would read us and come if it seemed OK.Most would be very helpfull.If I needed to rest I would just say.I would not feel bad about leaving them to finnish their tea if I needed to sleep.

With DD1 I used to hand her to my friend/mother/SIL as soon as they arrived and say "I need a shower can I see you in 10 mins" slightly mad but I was desparate.They all loved getting the baby to themselves for a few mins.

with DD2 and DS1 my mum stayed for the first 4 nights and did the night shift bringing then to me when they needed feeding,she is a gem.she also kept the coal fire going and provided tasty snacks.It was a really special time for us all.DH slept and looked after us all during the day.no wonder I am having my 4th!!!!

I think very reasonable to ask people not to come overnight when you have a new baby.

My PIL came for 2 nights when my DS2 was 2 days old - I nearly killed them. Spent all day upstairs with tits out having terrible chewed nipples and not wanting to offend FIL with my BREASTS, they kept taking DS1 away "so I could have some time with new baby".

Every room in the house was wired for sound because of monitors, so when I wanted to weep and wail I had to hide in the bathroom. Eventually I took my husband in with me and said "Tell Them To Go."

I then spent the next 12 hours on sofa in sitting room with tits hanging out and all my boys cuddled up together. Lovely.

So no overnight guests is my rule if I ever breed again.

But no visitors at all? Crazy! Of course you want to show the little darling off (but on your terms, not someone else's!)

We only had one bedroom when DD1 arrived so no overnighters but a constant stream of visitors and champagne. DH and I barely slept for the first 3 weeks - too excited so stayed up listening to music, talking to friends and loving our baby. DS -not so much since had DD1 to care for and even less with DD2. But she was a quick and easy home birth so within an hour I was bathed and fresh with a glass of champagne in hand, 3 uncles, one auntie and the friend who had been at the birth all celebrating - even the midwives had a sip before they left. My bonding with my babes happened before they were born I think so didn't feel I needed quiet time for that. We have had a lot of deaths in our families - all interwoven with the births - hence absence of parents - but think that made the celebration of new life all the more joyous and time for a party.

That said, I often wished we had done that 'sleep when the baby sleeps' thing and banned all visitors with DD1 since we haven't bloody slept since!

That was just my experience - certainly wouldn't think anyone else should do the same unless that was their way of things.

I think that you should be pleased that family and friends want to see you and the baby-people wpould soon moan if they were left alone and no one was the slightest bit interested!

I can understand imposing a 2 week ban if your family live a long way away and would have to stay all day. That's a bit much with a newborn!!

i think it's up to the parents & how they feel.

compared to the crappy pregnancy i had, and after being locked up in the hospital for over a week when i had dd (not an easy birth, to follow on from crappy pregnancy), even though i'd had an emergency cs, and got mastitus twice in the first few weeks, i felt on such a high.
by 8 am, me & dd were up, dressed, all housework done & ready to go! i was going to the pub (sitting in the sunny garden, not smoke filled room) & attending family parties within the first two weeks.
i also knew i could only have quite a short mat leave so was desperate to be out & about, or have people round.
each to their own.

I thought I wanted to spend two weeks in bed with minimal visitors getting to know my new baby. But DS was born at Christmas, there were loads of people around anyway and the no visitors rule was dropped pretty quickly.

We had a steady stream of friends, they were all well behaved and made their own tea etc instead of expecting to be waited on, and it was really nice actually. Next time round (!) I'll definitely welcome my friends.

I don't really understand why anyone except close friends and family would be visiting in any case (I wouldn't dream of visiting colleagues with babies for example - they bring their babies to visit work whe they feel ready to do so, and that seems like plenty of baby cooing time to me) . I had c-sections with both of mine and would have loved to have more visitors whilst in hospital because I was bored, lonely and needed distraction (esp with dd as dh was looking after ds, and we were not getting on at all well). I don't recall any particular issues afterwards either, but then most of my friends and family find dh a bit difficult, so they waited until he had gone back to work. dh doesn't have a big family, so only two visits there, and both times dh looked after them, and I did what I needed to do. I didn't get out of bed for pretty much the first week in any case, s it didn't make much difference to me if there was housework/cups of tea to be made.

I think it is much better for a baby to be born into a joyful, sociable household where family and friends are made to feel welcome, rather than one that is strictly controlled, people are a nuisance and everything has to be just so.
You don't have to wait on people-point them in the direction of the kitchen and tell them where to find everything!

What nonsense. Read the thread again Pisces.

I would up it to a month of no visitors - the MiL ruined my first few weeks with DS. Never again. I won't be afraid to put my foot down next time.

I told my partners family to make their own tea as was tired and i was accused of being rude because after all id just had a baby women have been doin it for years. And apparently my birth was nothing compared to mil and she was up playing host within 1 hour. I also after six hours of visitors I asked for a hold of my baby and was repeatedly told wait 5 mins im going then 5 mins would come and go I still didn't have my baby what should I do start shouting and be told im being a brat. It was my first I was 18 he was an accident and I didn't know how to take care of a baby and I didnt need 4 or 5 different people saying how to change a nappy. Also for the record my baby would be crying for food and my mil would say he is not she has had 3 babies e.t.c.. The people who disagree with no visitors are entitled to your opinion but please dont slag off our choice we havn't said your being unfair and risking failure to breastfeed or said anything about the choices you made just that its how it was for us.

The worst visitors we had in the days after we came home from hospital were parents themselves. They knew the birth had gone badly. They knew my DD had spent several days in special care and that I had begged for us to be released early from hospital but they lacked the imagination to realise that visitors were not wanted on the morning after we got home.

It was actually extremely hurtful because they were so full of pity for us and looked at my DD without even a trace of admiration. She was tiny and sickly and I felt it was a bit of a freak show "I've never held a baby half this tiny" "she is so unbelievably small it is incredible". I tried to get on with my cycle of feeding DD, topping her up, expressing milk, short rest, start again with a stream of visitors who did not give me a chance to sleep or rest. I did not have time to take showers and felt humiliated by my greasy hair and milk-stained pyjamas.

Our families were actually very considerate - they took the trouble to visit the SCBU and pretty much stayed away for the first week after we got home to give us time to settle down. None of the people who visited us in the first few days have been to our home since. Perhaps they find my DD less interesting now that she is a happy thriving baby, or maybe they thought I was rude to them in my exhausted state. I certainly felt very little interest in their happier birth stories, which they seemed determined to inflict on me.

I'm realising how lucky I was - my episiotomy stitches got infected and my mum turned up to look after the three of us with - and I kid you not - not soup, but a whole pumpkin which she then proceeded to roast and turn into soup. My dad turned up the weekend after with multiple tins of biscuits and my sister, who had made it over from France but was having trouble getting across England to see us, and she turned up with a bottle of Veuve Cliquot. Then my auntie and cousins came in and we had an impromptu "welcome to the world" party. I was so swimmy on codeine I didn't have any of the champagne but it was ace and I treasure the photos.

The only inconsiderate people were my in-laws who, bless them, came through the door and said "put the kettle on, then" and then sat on the only seat I could get comfy on so I had to turf them off it.

I loved having everyone come to the hospital, I was desperate to show my DS off! Plus, he spent the whole of the first day of his life asleep so didn't really notice anyone.

I wish I'd had the courage to have at least a few days without visitors. For both dcs mum and dad (who live far away) came to visit the day after I got home and although they were staying in a hotel were in the house for the whole day. They are not really of the helpful variety, rather my dad expects to be made cups of tea etc and entertained, so I found it an additional stress when trying to bf, get settled at home etc. Saying that, my sister stayed with us for a few days after the birth of dc2 and was a great help - I think it really depends on who is coming and why, but it would have been very difficult for me to 'ban' my parents without hurting their feelings so I guess it's one of those things you just have to try to make the best decision about.