No visitors until 2 weeks after the birth

[nappyaddict]

When people say this do they mean no one at all? When DS was born I couldn't imagine keeping my parents and sister away for 2 whole weeks!!

After DD1 we had loads of visitors, I had a terrible time having her and was not up to it really. My pil kept coming over uninvited and I just wanted to rest really.
No one ever offered to make a cup of tea just expected to be made one and to stay as long as they liked!

After DD2 I was determined to have some time just the 4 of us especially as DH only got 4 days off. However once again pil descended and would not go! I actually took DD2 upstairs and would not come down until they were going. They stayed 4 hours waiting for me to come down . They just did not understand. If I ever have another I will be much more assertive!

A friend arrived in the ward the day I had DD1 and stayed for the whole of visiting hours she them came to see me at home and stayed for hours, she meant well and I never said anything. But when she had a baby 2 years later I went to visit her in the hospital and was turned away by her DH who said they wanted no visitors for 3 weeks as she wanted to 'get back to normal' before seeing people!! I was a bit miffed!

When they phoned 4 weeks later to say they were ready for visitors, I was busy and waited another 2 weeks before going to see the baby! Although I did only stay 30 mins and made my own tea!

I can see why people would want no visitors. on my first son i had my mum and dp in the birth room with me. we were only allowed 2 visitors and my mil turned up while i was in labour i had agreed she could come in after the birth. But i said fine she can come in i was having contractions every 3 min at this point. She had bought my dp brother so my partner left the delivery room to sit outside with his brother but she wasnt happy with this and demanded that my dp bro came in soo he wasnt left out. The midwife saw the four visitors and flipped and my dp was nearly sent home. My mum was and nearly missed the birth. she turned up drunk after baby was born less than two hours later took my son from me during skin to skin time. There are no photos of me holding my son. For next three days his family were there from 8 till 8 my partner didnt get to hold his son for more than 5 mins a day and I only got to hold him while feeding after third day everyone was told no more visitors. because i was starting to push my son away and my milk was drying because i hadn't held him enough. His mum started crying. no visitors this time till im home from hospital. I dont think I am being selfish i think they were. Sorry gone on a rant there my son is three now and i still cant look at his birth pics without crying.

slushy06 that is terrible! A total nightmare!

From reading these posts it amazes me how ignorant family/friends can be!

DH and I don't have any kids atm, we're ttc our 1st, so I have all this ahead of me in the future!

I see where both camps are coming from: the no visitors camp and the any visitors camp and don't think either opinion is better or worse than another.

Each to their own, I say.

Don't get me wrong my family were great, stayed till they could see i was tired,helped with cleaning and tried there best to make things easier. If it was only them i would be more than happy to let they come asap as they were a big help. so Takelovingchances i agree with you people should do whatever they feel is best for them. As everyone's family is different.

With this baby we are going to have a a 3 day no visiting ban, maybe longer depending on the birth and how feeding is going. Last time i felt like crap, looked like crap and just wanted to rest and feed my son and enjoy him with dp. I was sick to my back teeth of making tea and having to give up my comfy seat to let others sit on it whilst i made them tea and washed up!!!

This time i just want to enjoy the time as a family a let ds get to know his brother or sister. And catch up on sleep whilst dp is off work for a short period.

We had a 2 week visiting ban and I was so glad! All our family and good friends live hours away and so would have had to stay. I spent the fortnight concentrating on getting bf established - I think if I'd had visitors popping in and out I'd probably have failed. My parents came after the two weeks and stayed near by - but they were in the house neaerly all day for ages. TBH I found it shattering, they sort of tried to be helpful, but I always had to show them what to do, where things were etc! Both my mother and MIL are of the 'bottle every four hours' school and I know that they would have undermined my confidence if I had had them around too soon. Also it was important for DH to spend time with dd, with forceful mother and MIL he would have been sidelined. And I was able to sleep when dd slept (well kind of)!

It was just a matter of putting my new family first. Some rather unkind comments on here I think!

This strikes me as somewhat percious and a bit sad.

Isn't part of the joy of a brand new baby the stream of visitors? I was totally inundated with visitors from witihn a couple of hours of the births to about a week later and I loved every minute of it.

Mind you, I DID NOT make anyone tea or serve champers - that was dh's job. I sat on my arse and bored everyone rigid talked about my labours.

starlight nope, this is NHS unit attached to 'cottage hospital' in Mid Essex.

yes you can stay for days rather than hours... might chuck you out after weeks I suppose!!! If you have higher risk labour at the larger hospital in Chelmsford,,you can also go back to said unit to recuperate (spelling?!)

Have had good reports from friends who have stayed there, been helped loads with breastfeeding, overnight care of baby to help you get good nights sleep, even nice food...

so fingers crossed, I'll have a similar positive experience

Really? Why is it sad to want to spend time getting bf established. dd fed all the time and I wouldn't have felt comfortable sitting with my huge engorged boobs out in front of anyone apart from dh!

It's totally an individual decision, we all feel differently about these things and should respect the wishes of the new parents. Personally, found it a tad insensitive of my BIL and SIL to descend on us unnannounced with their 2 kids the day i got home from hospital - I was very knackered and very sore so just wanted some quiet time with DD and DH whilst I recovered. But I'm hoping I'll be a bouncy, happy new mum this time round!

I am completely in agreement with you bampipie

I also think that people who tend to be quite down on 'us lot' planning to have a quiet time after the baby arrives, also tend to have wonderful kind and supportive friends, families and in-laws.
This isn't always the case. Certainly in mine, my parents are fab, PIL not so. I won't bore you with the MILs exploits through our pregnancy, thats a whole new thread... but trust me, if you knew, you'd be planning ahead too.

So its not a matter of being passive aggressive or precious or sad, its being realistic about how you'll feel post labour, AND planning ahead with a bit of visitor management to suit your situation.

If you have a particularly large family living locally, a tricky set of in laws or overbearing friends/ family who you know will not give you a minutes peace from dawn til dusk, then to keep sane, you need to do something to control the visitors - what is wrong with that?

Yes it is a small time out of your life, but it is a very significant and special part, so nothing wrong with planning a bit.

i wish we'd been more strict. i didn't mind a few visitors so much as the people who came, sat down, expected to be waited on and overstayed their welcome.

visitors should be helpful - do washing up, washing, bring food, take older siblings out to the park etc.

I didn't tell anyone I was in labour and all the family and a lot of our friends lived about 4 hours away, so I didn't see anyone till the following afternoon, which was nice. I suspect my mum was a bit miffed about not knowing, but she's never said. This time round I'm possibly going to be going to a birth unit where you can only stay for 6 hours after the birth (assuming all is well, otherwise you get transferred elsewhere) and although I'd be happy to get home quicker I'm a bit worried about not having the buffer zone of the hospital for visitors, where you don't have to worry about tidying up or making people cups of tea.

people who have never had children are a total pain in the arse when they visit to see your new baby - I hate this.

One couple we know arived at 7pm (as this was conveneient for them and they had eaten their evening meal) and stayed until gone midnight. We were astounded. Also we hadn't had chance to eat so DH ended up going out for a take away at 12.45am.

I just hate the way people come and lodge themselves into the sofa and let you make them a cup of tea while they coo over the baby.

The in-laws brought 8 of their friends around to see the new baby when it was 36 hours old (at 8pm!) and I just wanted them all to go away.

This time it will all be different.

Am v hormonal and shouty atm (33 wks pg....)

I was discharged 6 hours afetr having ds2. When I got home my house was full of visitors!

I didn't mind though, it was lovely.

But - I can totally see how some people might be a pita.

I think no visitors apart from close family-ie mum, sister is ideal! I had stitches up to my eyeballs and could barly walk, not really in the mood to sit with random 'friends' who u never see again once the baby's past a yr!!! Fair enough if some people enjoy the 'stream of visitors' but asking rather than just appearing would be nice!!!

I dont mind visitors i actually know well and like, i loved seeing them. But just the random people you dont really have much contact with either turning up at the hospital while your baps are all out or plonking their asses on my sofa and then wanting a tour of the house too. For the next one, i'll be barring all but close family. Didnt help i had a c section after a few exhausting days of failed induction, and had dp's family tramping in hospital while i still had a catheter in. Classy

I think a lot of it depends also on how good you are at 'opening your doors' to visitors when things might be less than perfect. Of course, with close family and good friends this ought not to matter. But the last thing you need when you're spaced out and beyond tired and on the hormonal rollercoster is to be feeling worried about whether there's enough tea, how clean the floor is, whether or not your husband will have bothered to put the loo seat down/open the curtains/whatever. Let alone how you look with leaky boobs/deflated hot-air-balloon tummy/week-old-hair.

First time around especially, the amount of 'letting go' you need to do might come as a bit of a shock, and although you get your head around it in the end, other people can possible just feel like extra pressure in the early days, when you're struggling to come to terms with this whopping life change you've undertaken.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.....

But I think it probably depends on how healthy your relationships are with your family (and how healthy your self-estteem is generally). Probably a good rule of thumb is: if it will make you feel good and boosted and loved then great. If there's even the slightest hint of spikiness then wait til you feel strong enough.

I think it helps if you define a visit.

For the first couple of weeks, people arranging a reasonably convenient time, staying for half an hour to an hour to drink tea (that they've made themselves), having a cuddle and securing all-important photograph of themselves holding the baby - fine.

People turning up at times to suit them, wanting to be fed and watered, wanting to stay for two hours or more and regale you with tales of their own experiences and opinions of childbirth and babyhood - not fine.

If you are unfortunate enough to know a lot of people who belong to the latter group, I can understand a blanket "no visitors" policy.

I think a lot of people say "no visitors," but then actually invite the people they are really close to. It's so hard to draw the line and I think people who aren't directly related or involved in the life of the arriving child really need to get over themselves and realise that, however kind their intentions, the new family has better things to do than socialise just for those very few first days. We have our entire lives to be pushed & pulled by the expectations of others - if a family chooses not to just for 10 days or so, more power to them I say.

Another difficulty before a birth is people asking "How soon after the baby is born can we visit?" Well, that's really hard to call. Childbirth can be anything from a few hours of privacy needed at home, right up to a death-defying experience for mother, child and partner. Hard to inflict a visitors policy on that until the time comes.

No roundwindow, it doesn't! I have a good relationship with my family and my self esteem is fine. I just wanted to concentrate on our new baby and bf! It was really a very simple choice and not worthy of analysis! My family make me feel very loved - it's just hard work having a housefull of people to stay!

I don't think anyone wanted to come and visit us in the first 2 weeks.

everyone says "we will only stay for a little bit"
we had 8 lots of visitors in first 2 days after ds2 born
they all "only stayed for a little bit"
the day after he was born i was cleaning the toilet because people were coming round and it was covered in blood from my home birth
3 days after he was born we were back in hospital - caused by feeding problems IMO - hard to get bfing cracked when you are letting a constant stream of visitors hold the baby
we were in hospital for 10 days
i would have NO visitors next time until the feeding was cracked