To lie or not to lie

[cheekybunny]

Ok need some advice. This is going to sound ridiculous but trust me it feels big to me and I’m looking for some genuine advice.

I have had 2 previous c sections. Pregnant with my 3rd and will most likely be having another c section. I’m one of those people who are slightly ashamed to admit I had sections. I avoid it if I can as I feel shame and failure that my body wasn’t able to have a vaginal delivery.

My question is, would it be bad to lie about the type of delivery I had. I’ve mentioned to a couple of people Ive considered a VBA2C. There are maybe 5 specific people who have made me feel not good enough for having c sections and I’d want to say to them I delivered my baby vaginally. I would try to opt for saying things like “we had a really positive birth experience” and “it was a lovely birth” rather than out right saying it. But as a mum you’ll know how prying people can be and they want to know the details so when it comes down to the yes or no question of was this a c section. What is best to say?

I think deep down I know it’s not the right thing to do but it’s not hurting anyone or effecting anyone and would make me feel slightly better about my situation to have their judgement off me. Im aware it’s also none of their business.

please no judgement on this post I genuinely will not take it.

If they were of any importance and value in your life. They would know. Because they would be friends, wouldn’t care, and would notice.

as for anyone else who makes you even ask this, they have zero place in your life or head.

I am proud I adopted my girls, and I am proud I have another two. Sections are brutal. Brutal. And people are crazy.

I have had everything from

will you give the twins back now you have had a baby

so IVF failed, did you pay for a new treatment,

oh you wouldn’t know how hard it is with biological twins, yours will have been used to others.

I do not engage. People have smashed my mental health. Do not let that happen to you.

I have four beautiful girls. I could not give a shit how they got here, I care about

are they healthy
are they fed
are they managing at school
does everyone have shoes on
are teeth brushed
are we paying the bills
are my wonderful two friends ok
are we kind

do we need to check in on anyone else.

and that’s about it.

Thank you so much for your wonderful reply. I’m sorry to hear you have had negative comments made too x

But it’s true. I worry endlessly about everything. But who are these people. Your doctors will tell you what is best. For you. And for your baby. Why does anyone else matter. Except those that say @cheekybunnywhat do you need? Can I help? Can I drive you anywhere? Help with wee ones? Let you sleep? Make a meal?

Absolutely. Sadly in my case it’s my in laws that are the judgement 😓 they are great 90% of the time but MIL and SIL have this thing about birth. Who can birth the biggest baby with the least amount of pain relief. It’s been damaging for me … I want to just not talk to them about it but I know the questions will come! X

Tell them their comments are rude and inappropriate and that you are having a third section because of medical advice.

Answer truthfully and then change the subject. If you know what they will say, think of some comebacks in advance. You're a grown woman, it's none of their business what choices you make and you don't have to explain yourself if you don't want to. Can your DH help fend them off? "We're just happy s/he is healthy" or something like that, and change of subject.

I am so sorry you are having put up with the horrible people around you. I have had 3 c sections and have never had any reactions from anyone like that they were just happy I had a healthy baby.
Do you know why you feel shame and feel you have failed is it only because of the comments made by your family. What does you husband think about his mother and sister being like this to you he should be standing up for you and reading them the riot act.
They obviously know they upset you with their comments and carry on anyway.
If it was me I would be cutting them out completely until they can keep their awful comments to themselves.

I'm sorry that you're in the position where their rudeness - and intrusiveness - has made you feel like this would be the best solution. I'm not sure it'll actually work to lie - from how you've described it they'll ask a lot of follow-up questions that'll be hard to bluster through - do you really want to start having to make up and remember details of this supposed vaginal birth? Presumably you'd have to ask your partner to lie to his family too? Even if he's fine to, is he going to be able to keep the story straight?

I think you'd be better off with some firm, practised lines about how happy you are DC3 is here safely, how glad you are you followed all medical advice, and how boring it is to talk about the birth like this when there's a gorgeous new baby to behold.

I also think that the lie would end up with you being more upset, not less. I imagine they will push you to say how amazing and fulfilling this vaginal birth was, if they're so convinced it's better. They may feel even more empowered to criticise c sections, now that you've joined their club. That's all going to make you feel unnecessarily rubbish. Don't put yourself through that.

I disagree with the idea that baby is healthy and that’s all that matters. Your health (physical and mental) matters too, you having a trauma free delivery MATTERS. You have the birth that you need for you and the baby. Be proud of how you did that, don’t feel shame about it.

This is a great book to help you learn to deal with overthinking.

In that case I would exaggerate for comic effect and refuse to engage in a serious conversation about the birth.

" I had a mild tummy ache for 36 hours, then sneezed and the baby came out" -
"The doctor said she had never seen such a happy floppy birth canal"

that sort of thing

Don’t lie. Don’t apologise or over explain, either. Just keep it brief, move on, ask them
to stop if they make judgemental comments.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this judgement. For me, one of the best things about having a third is that I truly no longer care about anyone else’s opinion on baby sleep/feeding/weaning etc.

Or - I had a bit of diarrhoea, then went for a lie down and while I was in bed the stork left the baby on the doorstep

How dare anyone make you feel ashamed about having a c section. You haven’t missed out on the ‘birth experience’. Thank goodness modern medical procedures keep women and babies safe.
It is never a competition to see who gives birth ‘the best’ and do not enter the conversation and certainly don’t let them doubt yourself 💪

ps (and I really don’t judge how women give birth) but a lovely bitchy response would be - yes it was another c-section thank goodness. I don’t want my vagina wrecked as well as my stomach muscles…..

I love this. Definitely going to go down this route. Thank you

@cheekybunny Do not lie. You have nothing, absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I had my 2 via c sections. The 2nd one ended up being a real emergency where babys heart rate dropped etc. I always said to whoever asked that if it wasnt for modern medicine, neither I or my children would be on this earth today. So tell them well done. And be grateful for all of your lives. Many women used to die from childbirth. We are lucky to have the option if surgery.

As someone who overheard the midwives in NICU doing handover saying “X had a failed delivery” I understand the stigma but I couldn’t give a shiny shit that I had a c section under GA. No, it wasn’t my first choice of birth but I did not fail, I did what I had to do to keep both myself and my baby safe. I have raised a complaint about the term “failed delivery” and hope that no mother ever has to hear those words. To echo a previous poster, sections are brutal and anyone who tells you it’s the easy way out or shames you for it, is an arse and has clearly never had one. Aim for the birth you’d like but as one mother to another, having 2 or potentially 3 sections is admirable and and you should be proud of yourself. Wishing you a safe delivery, in whatever form that turns out to be

I wouldn’t lie. I’ve had both an emcs and a VBAC. The labour and it emcs ended with were hard to recover from. My stomach muscles are wrecked and I had all sorts of problems afterwards. A CS is not a risk free easy option. My VBAC only worked because the baby was considerably smaller and in the correct position to exit.
I totally understand why women who’ve had one cs book another. I did but didn’t use it. But it baffles me when people think it’s an easy option

The birth of your baby is not a topic of discussion for all and sundry.
Refuse to discuss it and change the subject.

Op what is your husband doing to deal with his sister and mother? I'm sure he's aware of the impact this is having on you so how is he stepping up to nip this in the bud and support and prioritise his wife's wellbeing at a vulnerable time?

I had a section (my choice) and I feel zero shame in that. It was a safe way for my baby to come into this world and I'm very thankful this option is available for women now given that years ago so many of us just died in childbirth.

I wouldn't lie, you've had two sections it would be expected that you'd have a third due to the risks of a vbac after those sections. I think if they made a comment I'd be asking when they got their medical degree that makes them think they know more than your healthcare providers?

I think what really needs to happen though is your dh needs to have a word and get his family in check and stick up for his wife. Then I'd be clearly saying that you're happy to see them when he's present and able to be trusted to run interference. And I'd be stepping back to protect your wellbeing at a vulnerable time.

I'd also consider whether it's worth meeting with your provider to look over previous medical notes to help you process your previous births (what happened what decisions were made and why) and perhaps some counselling to help you let go of that misplaced shame that you absolutely do not need to feel.

Women have been having sections for many, many years and it's quite literally a saving grace that we have this on offer to us. You carried your baby, you grew them safely in your body, you loved them and cared for them and nurtured them with your body to the detriment of your own health and then you brought them into the world safely supported by professionals who do this day and daily. You went home with likely minimal pain relief and we're then expected to care for one and then two small humans while recovering from a major abdominal surgery. Not a single thing to feel ashamed of there, you are a fucking rock star. Honestly I truly believe that women who snip at others in this way must feel incredibly defined by their experiences and a bit lacking for this to be even worth mentioning and that, to me, is quite sad. It's a shame of them really that they don't know better and don't know that they are more than that.

Are we on different planets? My SIL had four cesarians and had four happy healthy babies, I thought she was a hero to go through these operations for her lovely babies. How can anyone sane criticise?

Deep down that’s got to be coming from a place of deep insecurity. I’d honestly feel a bit sorry them. Just say it was a c section, that was the consultants recommendation and actually you’re feeling really great about it as you knew exactly what to expect from
the previous 2 and didn’t need to worry about any unknowns. Big smile and swiftly move the conversation on. Whilst it is tempting to sink to their level and start cracking on about how you can still jump on a trampoline it isn’t worth it and won’t make you feel any better. What will is focusing on your new baby and being confident in making the right decision for you.

I had an elcs due to previous sexual trauma from my ex husband, I wasn't risking intervention vaginally. I'm currently pregnant and will be having another elcs. A few people have asked that I don't want to go into the real reasonings with and ive just blamed my gestational diabetes/previous c section for this one.

My best friend (!) has been pushing me for a vbac and how it'll make me feel empowered etc. stuff the judgement, don't make yourself a liar for those small minded gonads.

Yes I'd just lie in this situation. I don't have this particular hang ups about elcs (I had 2 and I'm quite pleased that I didn't have to push) but I get the whole judgement issue with nosy people and I lie about other things. I don't feel quilty about it because it's their attitude that's pushed me into lying so they don't deserve to be told the truth.I just state the lie and don't go into details and it shuts off any further interrogation. It doesn't make me feel upset or feel rubbish, I just feel satisfied that they can't find something to criticise.