what did you wish you'd known/been told about labour and post-labour (things they don't print in books)

[choufleur]

i wish someone had told me that you can feel the baby go back up sometimes when you're pushing (but it will eventually stay down and come out)

That you'll want to marry your anaesthetist for taking the pain away.

That all you can do is count to 10, then start again, over and over again for 8 hours, cos that's the only thing your brain can manage.

That you'll ask questions like: Who's legs are they - when they are yours.

That you'll feel as though you've been hit by a bus for days afterwards.

That you'll wake up on day 3 with puppies that would make Jordan look as if she's on her first training bra.

That it is not all over when the baby is out, you've to give birth to your placenta and that's no mean feat.

That contractions can be 5 minutes apart from the start to the finish

that the pain after labour can be so much worse and MUCh longer lasting that the labour itself

That many overworked midwives treat you like an imbecile who can't breastfeed and just grab your boob and the baby and slap them together before they ask you what you actually called them for

That just because you didn't have a c-section (though did have a huge dose of epidural for repairs) doesn't mean you can sit up in bed and pick your own baby up out of it's cot

That you can go through labour WITHOUT a transition phase which means a LONG bloody labour even if all those contractions don't hurt half as much as you thought they would

That trying to get help for post-baby injuries is like butting your head against a brick wall

That not everyone has a break from pain between contractions. I wish I'd been mentally prepared to not have any rest periods at all during labour.

Oh dear god - I have tears rolling down my face, I don't think I have laughed so much, ever!

I wish someone had told me that I would feel like I needed to wee every 5 minutes when the contractions started, but the only way to do this would be to hang off the hand rail next to the loo as relaxing of bladder muscles caused IMMENSE pain - I had a back to back delivery - ouch.

3 years later - I still don't want to go through it again.

yes i thought that a little

That gas and air can make the minute hand on the clock move like the second hand - mesmerising.

That the best thing your other half can do is sit still and take orders - rub my back/ hold my hand/ don't touch me etc

That you have the legal right to request a change of midwife at any time for whatever reason. I knew this and wanted to send the sadist who stitched me up on her way but I'd waited over an hour and didn't want to go back to sitting in a pool of blood while someone else was found.

'Just one more stitch' can mean 6 more stitches even when you keep saying you can feel everything and the gas and air that worked perfectly during labour (noone else thought my jokes were funny but I kept myself amused!) now does nothing to dull the pain as you are repaired in a hash job that the doctor recoils at 6 weeks later!

That crowning does really feel like a chinese burn.

That your toddler will ask you questions with great interest and concern as you are rocking and unable to talk through contractions.

That you can tear quite badly and not feel it at all - at the time.

That just because your first baby was two weeks late it doesn't mean that your babysitters can go away two weeks before your due date the second time around 'because we probably have about 4 weeks to go' because the day they leave is when you WILL go into labour.

That you can cut the cord yourself if your partner is too squeemish.

That giving birth it is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing in the world and you will soon want to do it all again.

That no matter what you do one in four will have a cesarean. 25% to 30% chance for every birth.

That the person who cuts and opens you up might be useless and cackhanded - and may be a trainee.

That for years afterwards you will have numb patches in you abdomen, and be unable to 'pull in' your jelly belly overhang.

That you will look at your baby and might not bond with 'it'. That you might not bond with your baby for about a year, especially if 'it' doesn't sleep (so you don't either).

That you might not be helped at all after the birth in hospital. That the MW can be horrible, burnt out and cruel.

That you might not be able to have sex again because of scar adhesions. That you might have to have a hysterectomy because of the idiot surgeon who chopped you up.

That sometimes things don't turn out for the best, and your baby can be damaged by the birth.

That your cesarean birth will be classed as
'abnormal'. Vaginal=normal.

That you will have a different relationship with your mother. That you will look at your single mates and wonder why they get oxygen as they are so clueless!

That you may be bitter / upset about the birth for a loooong time.

That people will think you are boring / weird / a downer if you 'still haven't got over the birth'.

That you might not ever be able to have another one.

Gosh, Zazen, I hope all those things didn't happen to you? if they did

Yes they did thumbwitch, thanks for the empathy- thing is I felt so angry and cheated? as I had done all the yoga, healthy eating, breathing birthing pool homebirth preparations etc.. it was and is a huge shock to me what happened.

I must have some bad karma somewhere!

My DD is 4 now and she's great, I'm still in pain and my marriage is now rocky - I still don't regret having her though, but honestly it took me a few years to be able to say that.

We shall see what the future holds.
Hope I haven't killed this thread!

I was going to post exactly what the first poster did (have done before on here a long time ago) that for me was very unexpected, made me want to tell the mw to just stick her hand up and pull it out!

sorry zazen only just seen your post as I'd hit post.
feel very flippent posting that after you, I hope you find a 'good' ending for it all soon

still I kept the thread going

Wow Zazen, v. for you now.
I don't know if you've tried it for yourself but cranial-sacral osteopathy (no cracking involved) might help with some of the pain. And also with removing some of the lingering tissue shock.
Some might think it is a bit hokey but I found it extremely good for DS1 and also refer a lot of my clients for it when the massage doesn't seem to "hold", and they have had benefits from it too.

No one told me I would get piles! No one told me that gas and air and pethidine don't stop the pain, just stop you caring about it. I didn't get a bed bath, I got marched to the shower where I tried to wash but got blood everywhere and felt really faint.

I really wish that someone had told me that your fanjo swells up when you have stitches, I was petrified that I had prolapsed

I was also pretty shocked that I had to walk to the ward pushing baby - last time I had been in was for a d&c and then I got pushed to theatre even though I was physically alright

I had NOOOOOOOOOOOO idea just how awful it would be for 6 weeks or so after giving birth. No one prepares you for how down and physically drained you feel and no one really gives a f*ck about you once the baby arrives. Your visitors will still expect you to make them cups of tea/coffee and will say "See - you can't be house proud now you have a baby" when you have WASTED your precious time tidying up before they came round even though you had absolutely no time to do it.

My SIL did tell me not to worry if I didnt bond with LO straight away - I mean, how long does it take to get to know a stranger to the point where they are a friend? And even then, you aren't expected to let a stranger latch on to your boobs and suck til your nipples split and bleed!!!

No one prepared me for just how awful it is to be forced to stay in hospital (even though you know it is for the good of your baby) with a room full of other women and screaming newborns when all you want to do is try to bond with your LO and the fact that they will open the curtain round your bed day and night due to "health and safety".

No one told me how completely alone you will be with your newborn and how heartbreaking it is when they tell your OH/birth partner they have to go home and leave you all on your own with your baby. They dont tell you ANYTHING in the hospital - you just have to ask ask ask.

Also, I told all my visitors "I am NEVER doing that again" at the time cos it was so awful...

That time really does heal and you get over it all once your little baby becomes a bit more "readable" and gives you the first big gummy grin. Amazing.

I totally agree that it is probably better just to go through with it all totally ignorant to all the horrors because everyones experience is different and you might sail through it like my bezzy mate!

One of the girls on my ward came in, popped the baby out in 2 hrs with only a "graze" and got to go home the next day. I was a sobbing wreck, sitting on ice packs (that I had to request every time and wait for hours to get) and even though I asked that my sheets were changed before visiting time cos they were covered in blood, the visitors arrived and I had to use my bath towel to cover the blood bath on the bed so my visitors wouldnt see it. Nice.

ALSO, the auxilliary nurse physically tried to drag me out of my bed to swap it for a normal bed even though my epidural had not worn off and I couldnt walk!!! She was talking and pointing to other auxilliaries until the MW on duty (who was an absolute star and let us close the curtains when we were feeding/sleeping) came over and told me to stay in bed until I could stand and NOT to try to get up without her helping me. Secs later the fekkin b!tch aux nurse was back over trying to get me out of the bed and I was telling her I couldnt feel my legs yet when MW appeared over and told her to leave me alone. NOT what you need after a traumatic birth...

Oh, and no one told me how unbelievable painful everything would be afterwards. Or how badly bruised you can get down there.

Take all the painkillers they offer you during the birth and after!!! Especially the wee brown tabs!!!! Thats my advice anyway

Ach well, I was really bitter about it and I think I still am now I have posted this!!!

All the books say you need 2 nighties, you actually need one to give birth in, one to bleed all over that night and a third clean one for the next day, otherwise you are left with the t-shirt you arrived in which is really hard to bf in

Sad that this is my first post on mn...because I wish I'd been told that the birth (with loads of gas and air) was ok but that I'd need morphine, pethadine and prunes to do the first post natal poo!

Sorry!

Ive been spouting elsewhere/ everywhere about the cons[iracy around childbirth and thinking someone needs to write a book / do something about this conspiracy like Choufleur.

Reading your comments Im not sure if I hadnt had a child Id want to know. How do we help our sisters?

My issues are

No-one told me I could experience chronic pain from a tear that would stop me having sex through anything but gritted teeth

That the medical profession is ill-equipped / blase about helping with post-childbirth problems

That women dont talk about these problems

That having had one labour can set u up badly for the next if you think its going to go pretty much the same.

That childbrith is an experience in assertiveness - never mind breathing, argue with doctors / midwives to do what is healthy.

i think if someone does write a book (which i think is a great idea but probably won't be done by me) we should leave some of the things out that would scare the sh*t out of people who haven't had children. was this thread a good idea?

I first looked mumsnet last July (a few days after birth) cos I thought I had a prolapse cos it felt like my womb was falling out. I convinced myself that it meant I'd never have sex again. I was OK sitting but if I stood or walked for more than ten mins. Thinking about it, having to have about an hour or mores surgery after to stich me up, this wasn't that much of a surprise. But no one said. All the 13 year old student nurse said on my discharge was "Have you thought about contraception?" Like I was going to go home and start bonking!!!! I guess I should have asked more but I was a bit shell shocked. THe aftercare in hospital was awful. I had to fight to get my bloody sheets changed and then to get discharged. No one came near me for two days. There was a very, very young mum on the ward and she got lots of attention. I guess they just saw an old boot like me and decided I could get on with it. Once home, I was so detirmined to get going I was at a - albeit local - music festival the following week end. I ended up misreable and nearly in tears cos A) the aforementioned symtoms and b) I couldn't bear it if anyone came within a yard of the LO. Things got better on their own but why didn't anyone warn me how I'd feel? No one said to just chill for a couple of weeks. I thought I had to get on with things. I was back at work in no time. I wish I'd just slowed up a bit but I was trying to get BACK TO NORMAL...ha! I think a book of short anecdotes from various people would be great. But I think MN is doing that, in a way. I have no friends or relies that have had kids - my preg at 41 was out of the blue. Reading mn was like, I suppose, when women talked over the garden wall.

Cant believe some of you had MWs cleaning you afterwards. I was told to get up and have a shower half an hour after birth. Stood up and created a canal of blood on the floor which was cleaned up by Mam whilst she was holding baby!! Also was left in bed with bloody sheets whilst visitors were arriving after having DS2 and DS3.

Wish I had known that ex dp would tell the whole world I pushed out a poo after ds2. Didnt care at the time but did not appreciate him telling his brother and sister in law IN FRONT OF ME that I had sh*t myself!

Wish I hadnt asked my dad to bring me some food in, he arrived with a family sized pork pie( muppet)

That birth isn't a textbook with nice clearly defined stages as the antenatal classes suggest.

That pethidine is not the devil drug you assumed it to be and doesn't always mean sleepy baby and feeding problems..

That epidurals don't always work even when they try twice

That syntocin without an epidural is something not to be recommended

That some midwives are lovely and want to work with you.

That opting for a private room with your first one can be quite a lonely experience.

That you will wonder why you obsessed so much over how you were going to get the baby out only to realise when the baby was out, you hadn't read the next chapters in the book in how to actually look after a baby.

That BF can hurt even when it's done right but will pass in a few weeks.

That with your first baby you will be desperate to leave the hospital but with your second you will begging them to let you stay another night.

That the maternity wards remind you of Shaun of the Dead.

That you should buy black nightie/pjs so no leakage is on display to the rest of the visitors on the ward.

That a packet of chocolate hobnobs will seem like a gift from the gods when you find them 6 hours after giving birth.

That you may find yourself crying in mothercare 5 days after the birth because you want to be the lady with the baby in her tummy still and not one with a baby on the outside.

That you will feel normal again one day

That you get to have someone in your life that will make you happier than you have ever been (but sometimes you may only realise this when they are in bed, sleeping).

That everyone's experiences are different, you should keep an open mind and make the most of the time pre-baby 1 to lie around and please only you...

That they will induce you and then, when it works, they will leave you lying there for 8 hours

That when you tell the midwife your waters have broken, the stupid be itch will cry 'ooh, it's so exciting' but won't put it in your notes

That when you've been begging for pain relief for 6 hours they will finally give you some pethidine

That AFTER they've given you pethidine, THEN they'll check you and find you're fully dilated

That some witch in a head scarf will try and yank your sproggy out with a ventouse, even though she's the wrong way round and that, even though they just gave you pethidine which doesn't even NEARLY touch the pain the witch in a headscarf will write 'poor maternal effort' in your notes

That this is why you need an emergency c-section at 5 in the morning

That when you have to shower the day after the floor will be covered in someone else's blood

That the labour ward will be so busy you wouldn't dream of asking them to clean it

That you'll have seen so much blood, you'll just avoid it hoping you don't catch anything and hope the staff won't think it's yours

That no two birth stories are the same, so you just don't know what will happen to you

That you can do all the yoga, pilates, relaxation, breathing exercises etc in the world while you're pregnant to help you prepare for labour but ultimately you just can't control what will happen

That your contractions can be 5 mins apart from the word 'go', and then become closer and closer, but will go back to being 5 mins as soon as you arrive at the hospital and the midwife gives you a [hmmm] face as if you've been making it up

That there is nothing you can do if your baby is found to be breech whilst you're in labour

That you'll feel disappointed and underwhelmed by the birth of your baby by CS/EMCS, but you'll get over it in time

That sometimes babies JUST DON'T LATCH and you'll cry your eyes out over it wondering why your baby is rejecting you and why you both can't do it

That the first night on the labour ward is possibly the hardest night you'll ever have in your life

That you're not the only one in floods of tears behind your curtain in the labour ward - we're all at it

That you might not feel that 'rush of love' as your baby is born or bond for ages

That you'll still bleed for weeks after having a CS

That you'll still be wearing maternity jeans or fat jeans for months, but you still can't put down the chocolate hob nobs

BUT
That time really heals

You're not the only one that finds motherhood hard - we all feel that way, we just rarely tell each other

That it may be the hardest thing you ever do in your life but that ultimately the cliches are true - it's also the most rewarding thing you'll ever do

Smiles and giggles make it worthwhile in the end