what did you wish you'd known/been told about labour and post-labour (things they don't print in books)

[choufleur]

i wish someone had told me that you can feel the baby go back up sometimes when you're pushing (but it will eventually stay down and come out)

That puking with every contraction is completely normal

what's GBS?

Has anyone mentioned that you will poo yourself when pushing, and if it's a water birth the midwife may fish it out with a fishing net?

Group B streptococcus infection.

Contractions are painful, but not completely unbearable. It doesn't necessarily get any worse than the pain of a contraction, the contractions just get closer together and last longer.

With dd1 I was terrified once the contractions started. I thought 'this is what a contraction feels like, how on earth am I going to cope later on in the labour?'

In truth, that was as bad as it got. It isn't always an extremely painful experience. Perhaps I'm just lucky?

That second time round when you have booked a HB, it might happen a great deal quicker than first time round in hospital, and not to brush DP off with a cheery "Oh i've got hours to go yet" when he suggests phoning midwife... and then when you do phone midwife, not to say "no rush, but I think something will happen tonight", because you might find that the baby will suddenly decide it is coming in the next 20 minutes....

That your bumhole muscles can't cope with holding in the diorrhoea caused by the iron tablets (they don't make everyone constipated)!!!!

That forceps delivery feels like having your insides dragged out.

That vonteuse doesn't work on babies with lots of hair!

oh my god, those tablets gave you diarhoea? Complete opposite in my experience.

Biggest, darkest, most revolting (and dangerous-looking!!!)thing I have EVER seen in my toilet, I can tell you......

That you get a baby at the end, whatever it says on your birth plan and whatever kind of epidural/cs/whatever you have, so not to get all prissy about childbirth like the procedure of getting the baby out of your body was so particularly important.

WriggleJiggle !!! My contractions were earth-shattering, and I am no wuss, being as I live with pain (some of it pretty evil) day in and day out. I was totally unprepared by how utterly unbearable it was. Gas and air, meptid, TENS - did nothing for me. Could still feel them through the epidural too, though they didn't hurt, thank goodness,

That bouncing on a trampoline will never be the same again.

Oh, and that the sensation of the baby's body coming out after its head and shoulders are out is close to orgasmic. An amazing emptying, slithering sensation...and the contractions stop.

that you can spend months preparing solemnly for birth, reading all the books/asking all your friends/writing your sodding birth plan in minute detail, and when you are ten days overdue you will have a scan and they will say brightly: 'oh! the baby's breech!' and then you will have a caesarean.
that when you have the anaesthetic thingy for the csection the anaesthetist will say 'this might make you feel a bit woozy'. and about a second later your blood pressure will shoot through the floor and you will pass out. and when you come round your dh will say 'God that was really exciting! they yelled for the crash trolley and you had to be resuscitated!'. and oddly, exciting will not be the word you would have used.
that one of the painkillers they give you after c-section for use at home (i think it was codeine) is massively constipating. and after a few weeks of taking it, doing a poo will give you a rough idea of what you missed by not going through labour. (tis better to stop using the painkillers and put up with a bit more pain throughout the day. you were only taking it to make the bfeeding hurt less anyway, really).
that all the above notwithstanding, you will read a thread on natural birth and think csections are really great

That contractions can go on for days before you begin to dilate.

Pethidine and TENS = crap. Epidural = manna from heaven.

That when they give you your Wriggler you will be truly amazed and will cry immediately.

You will be strangely fascinated by looking at your placenta in the bowl on the trolley.

Afterward, there is blood EVERYWHERE in the delivery suite.

The midwife gives you a bedbath, and it's FAB

That you need more maternity pads than it is possible to carry. On the first night I had two lined up in me paper gusset side by side

Maternity wards are hotter than Death Valley

That if you have a temperature after labour they make you measure out your wee in plastic jugs and record the quantity on a sheet

That your fanjo could be so swollen and misshapen afterwards, that wee will come out at a gravity defying angle and arc straight out of the toilet onto the floor. You will spend a fair amount of time worrying that this is a permanent affliction, and cry because you envisage a future of weeing on your friends/family's bathroom floors.

It only lasted a week though.

Totally agree about the codeine, Woodstock3. Didn't have a csection but had it for episiotomy pain and spent a fortune on Dulcoease and Sennacot afterward

cwtchy - PMSL at your post - luckily that didn't happen to me but it did feel like my insides were going to fall out every time I went to the loo for several days, even for just a pee

That when contractions are in full flow, you won't care about pooing and weeing in front of a whole room of people!

Remain open minded, and informed about your choices, don't have a strict plan, you might be disappointed.

Its easier than a bad bout of hayfever, you get a beautiful baby and its over in a couple of days (labour that is)

That sometimes early labour is just a myth. Clean your bogs, ladies.

Oh, and that when you go to take a shit without having any idea about what really is about to happen, that it's amazing how little it really hurts compared with the previous rather painful contraction which must have actually been transition, during which your 2 year old thought it was hilarious to play horsey with you.

And that when you really don't know that it's supposed to hurt so much you can't talk, you can hold a conversation on the phone whilst in transition.

Oh, and postnatally, if you are in a ward, it might be a good idea to check that everyone else has used the loo before going to try and do your first-wee-since-the-birth. It can take some time to persuade your bladder to allow the stinging acid out onto your poor mangled bits, and the process is not helped by strange lady banging on the door to come in, shouting that she has diarrhoea, then just as you decide to give up and try again later, you open the door to find, yup, it was too late for angry woman, and you have to try to avoid her hostile glare for the rest of your stay- not easy since you are the only 2 people in the ward and her bed is directly opposite you. Doesn't matter how much you compliment her baby after that, the fact is that you made her shit herself, and she will never forgive you.

And never ever ever go for the corn beef hash on the hospital menu- it looks like it is made from the leftover gore of 1000 childbirths, and was probably the reason the angry lady had her unfortunate accident!

And for some reason some hospitals (mine) seem to think it somehow a good idea to put a full length mirror in the shower room of the post-natal ward- DO NOT LOOK IN IT!! I'm sure it is the cause of many hormonal and hysterical outbursts. Why why why??

And that the placenta can also get stuck after a precipitate accidental home birth, causing a frantic ambulance ride through rush hour traffic and an eventual spinal block even though labour hardly hurt at all. The spinal block is so much better than the sensation as the male doctor tries his hand at removing it manually without any anaesthesia other than gas and air which only add to the nausea, though.

That if you are gifted a 'mother-to-be' pampering session with massage, it is a good idea to book this a few weeks before the birth, and not go whilst in labour. If going whilst in labour do not drive yourself, and take pity on the massaging girl when she suggests you call dh as you've made her stop 3 times in the last ten minutes to have a contraction, and although she has plenty of towels she is not a midwife. On the plus side the massage must have done some good as arrived at hosp 2hrs in fully dilated. Midwife "I'm going to get a senior mw to check you - I can't find your cervix". me - omg I don't have a cervix, how's it going to get out???

• thanks for the belly laughs everyone; I've been sitting here with tears running down my face (but luckily haven't peed myself). First baby due on Friday and I might re-read some of these in the hope that I giggle him out!

Good luck and hope you still find this thread funny after the birth