Advice for a hopelessly unprepared husband who will be supporting his wife during child birth.

[bagelchef]

Hey everyone!

My wife and I are expecting our first child in June. We're in week 10, still technically in the early phase, and it's slowly starting to sink in and as it does I feel hopelessly unprepared.

I have time from now until the birth to get ready and I wanted to ask you all for some advice on how I can at least "not get in the way" or if possible be "supportive, encouraging and reassuring" during the birth process.

I'd love to hear everyone's perspectives but particularly if there are any dad's reading this, please tell me how it went! Things that went well and potential mistakes that I could avoid. The good, the bad and the ugly, I want to hear it all!

I've started reading Men, Birth and Love by Mark Harris and it's been a bit of a mixed bag! It talks a lot of about sex and massages at the start which kind of put me off but as I got deeper it became very informative. I do feel as if the author lobbys for home births and male doctors somehow have overcomplicated things? I'd love to hear thoughts on that too!

Thanks for reading and... Please HELP :)

It will depend a lot of your wife's personality. I'm calm, and never felt out of control, so my partner helped by checking medical details with doctors, advocating for my wishes re keeping the room dimmed, passing snacks and drinks when asked and running out of the room to get the midwife when our daughter was born without anyone present. I didn't want to be stroked, touched, or messed with.
For you, bring a pillow and snacks for yourself. You'll probably just have an uncomfortable chair which makes no sense to me as you are then both sent home tired and poorly rested and trying to look after a newborn. So bring food and a pillow to get as comfortable as you can, particularly for the period after the baby is born and you're just sat around feeding and having cuddles.
Congratulations and good luck!

And don't say your bum hurts because of the chair, just after the birth...

Honestly, over the pregnancy, you'll become more in tune with what she will find helpful and what she wont. Bear in mind, that could change in the moment.

On the actual day you go into labour/to the hospital, you could make sure she has everything. A bag for her. A bag for baby and a bag of snacks and fun/distracting things to do. You could make sure you have phones and chargers and cameras if that's what you want with you.

When she is in labour, you can advocate for her by making sure you know the things that are important to her (this will make sense later) so you can speak for her if she cannot. Make the birth plan together and help research some options so you both get informed.

Finally, watch some birth videos on YouTube. Like those freebirth style ones where they show everything and everything turns out fine. Just because it shows you the natural physiology of labour and gives you the best idea of what goes on and how someone really behaves and what seems to help them. Bear in mind she might not want or like what you try on the day, but at least you'll have some things to try. I just mean things like swaying, back rubs or pressure. Nothing major.

Don’t take anything that your wife does or says during the birth personally. Be patient and go with whatever she says or asks at the time. During one birth I held my partners hand the whole time, during another I didn’t want him to touch me at all. It’s impossible to know how she’ll feel at the time so just go with it. I think delivery rarely goes how you plan in your head and so I’d just have a rough idea overall. be very clear if there are strong preferences about certain things but accept that at the time, things will just go their own way so try not to worry about it or get stressed if things pan out differently than how planned or hoped. The main thing is for baby to arrive safely. Good luck 🤞

Be aware of your wife’s birth plan and if anything in it is a total red line for her, and then be prepared to advocate for that if necessary. Birth plans can change completely once she’s in labour, so it’s not about making sure everything is stuck to, just if there’s anything she was really clear on. For example, I was induced with DD2, and from what I’d heard and read, I decided that under no circumstances was I consenting to the hormone drip without having an epidural physically in my back and working. Not promised, or “it’s on its way” or “let’s see how you go” but actually in. And DH was under strict instructions to back me up on that. As it happens it wasn’t necessary as I didn’t need the drip, but that’s the kind of thing I mean. I didn’t want to be talked in to having the drip started first.

Don’t push the birth plan if she wants to change it though eg if she says “I want an epidural” don’t say “but don’t you remember how you wanted a drug free labour?”

Other than that, DH helped by just doing what I asked without question. Help me move position, rub my back, hold my hand, do not touch me, pass the water, etc. And knowing where everything was in the bag.

And if your partner screams something along the lines of ‘If you ever touch me again I will kill you’ she probably doesn’t mean it.

Whatever is going on in the room please stay calm. She doesn’t need to see you panicking when she’s been in pain for hours and isn’t necessarily aware of what’s going on around her.

Congratulations!

• Good snacks, drinks
• Extra long charging cable and power banks for phones
• Bring a pillow from home
• be nice and dont lose your temper or get cross no matter what crazy things she says in labour or during late stage pregnancy.
• advocate for her (BRAIN is the anacronym they teach at nct)
• Stay calm and be reassuring at all times.

I spent much of my labour throwing up in response to the pain. My DH was great at silently standing by to catch the sick, passing me whatever I needed, calling help when required. Very low key but helpful... didn't make it all about him!

"Don’t push the birth plan if she wants to change it though eg if she says “I want an epidural” don’t say “but don’t you remember how you wanted a drug free labour?”"

This is a tricky one. Whilst I agree that the wording isnt great, I think there is a place for it and a lot of women have been thankful. For instance, it can be a sign of transition and if you remind the woman of this stage, and do more to reassure her, then she can feel more in control and less in need of an epidural.

You might also have other options for pain relief still on the table that she could consider.

It all depends on the individual. Someone who knows them is often best situated to say whether more support or other options are still on the table for her and whether to bother exploring them.

There is a helpful book called "pregnancy, babies and toddlers for men" by Mark Woods. Definitely recommend reading that. Also, go to the antenatal classes with your wife, listen and take it all on board.

My one piece of advice is - if your wife is taken down to theatre for an emergency section/potential section (and it's safe to do so) ask if you can take your phone! My DH was handed a set of scrubs, told you get changed and leave everything behind.... such he did. After DD arrived safely one of the midwives asked if he wanted to take a photo of the board with her weight etc on... but of course he'd left his phone with everything else. Not his fault obviously as he just assumed he couldn't take it but if you can ask a midwife do!

I agree, and in my first paragraph I did say make sure he understands anything in the birth plan that is absolutely important to her.

Congratulations!

Everyone’s different. There will be good advice out there but very few things are relevant for everyone.

Maybe read some of the things written for mothers too.

The baby doesn’t come out with an agenda; it is learning how to be a member of your family alongside you both learning to be parents. Hope you have a great time, some of the time.

It’ll depend on her. Does she want you there?

Personally I didn’t want anyone there, I did have my partner in the event because of the general pressure of society and his wishes. But could entirely have done it better and more comfortably on my own. My compromise was to have him there but adjacent, in and out really, busy doing his jobs and making medical staff comfortable, but not making the birth the primary focus of the day - so that all the other every day life things were going on at the same time around me.

One of my hard rules was not to be touched in any way - by professionals or partner so all the birth scenes I’ve ever seen in the world, real or drama, really didn’t help with how that would go. Nor did any of the pre birth prep which always seems to be about massage and positions and holding. So you do have to wing it.

One thing I’d suggest agreeing beforehand is how much information you give out.
For me I absolutely did not want any information being given to anyone about my personal state of health until I chose to share it. And I wanted to tell people my baby was born, and get to tell my own family that they were grandparents etc, not have my partner do all that out of earshot.

Be the calm, collected one so you can keep an eye on what's happening and advocate for your wife if necessary. I'm more 'go with the flow' than DH and recognise I needed his assertiveness when I was pre-occupied with being sick, using the TENS machine (that didn't work) etc. My DH intervened when it was clear I was in labour but still on the ward (the delivery rooms were all full so they had been holding me back), then when they wanted to send me home the day after DD's birth (the community midwife had told me to stay in hospital until breastfeeding was established).

My firm Advice is take all the drugs you can get.
Yes, you can do it naturally, but why the fuck should you?

Seriously there is no need for suffering. Nobody hands out medals at the end for bravery.
The result everybody is looking for is a happy mummy and a safely delivered baby
That’s it

You see, there you are; lots of people say a TENS is no good but I put it on before I was feeling anything, and it did a lot (only realised how much when I had to take it off!) So don’t take any single source as gospel.

You’ll need to know what BRAIN is the acronym for and it’s:

• Benefits – what are the benefits of the option that’s been offered?
• Risks – what are the potential risks associated with this option?
• Alternatives – are there any alternatives that might be considered?
• Instincts – what does your gut tell you about a certain option?
• Nothing – what would the consequences be of doing nothing right now? Can we revisit this later if I change my mind? You may be able to re-evaluate your decision in a few minutes, hours or days, if there is time.

The NCT website has useful information https://www.nct.org.uk

What pain relief she uses will have nothing to do with the OP. He can't say "don't even bother try that, I've heard it's rubbish".

My DH read Cammando Dad book he found it really helpful for pregnancy, birth and afterwards it can be pretty blunt in places.

As for during the birth keep her calm. Remember your there to advocate for her. Do not react negatively to anything be it blood, vomit etc. Your job is to reassure.

Learn her facial expressions - I couldn't talk later stages of labour but my husband knew from my face to offer water or just to shut up in that moment.

Congratulations! A couple of tips - don't ever, ever complain that you're tired or hungry or uncomfortable while your wife is in labour / giving birth. She will never let you forget it, trust me 😂 The only acceptable answer to any question regarding yourself is "I'm ok, my wife is incredible!"

Make sure you know her wishes and can advocate for her, but remember that she may change her mind at any point. I was adamant I didn't want an epidural but when I changed my mind I would NOT have appreciated my husband stepping in to say "oh but wait you said...."

Depending on the hospital, it will be busy and hectic. Your wife and baby are your top priority. Others may disagree with this, but you need to put aside any reservations and kick up a fuss if you feel things aren't going well. It could be important.

Wait for your wife's approval before sending out photos, name or a birth announcement. She will probably have planned this.

If you possibly can, do all the nappy and outfit changes for as long as you can. I really appreciated not having to get out of the hospital bed for this.

Bring her a cup of tea or coffee each morning for as long as you can. Bring her a drink and a snack every time she's breastfeeding. Do these things without being asked.

Good luck! Birth can't be planned but for the vast majority of women and babies it's absolutely fine.

Really little thing but pack a comfort bag for yourself as well as whatever your wife needs.

My labour was a long one and DH ended up with a huge headache thanks to dehydration/ room temperature so he would have loved to have some paracetamol he could access himself.

I recommend doing a Dad prenatal class in addition to the joint ones. My husband took charge of getting baby to sleep for the first few days - look up the 5 S's.

Also, i felt i was in shock and honestly regret after baby was born. It was a bad birth experience. So being able to have an unflappable DH there to give me a guilt free break was invaluable. Birth messed with my emotions in a way I didnt expect. But after a couple of weeks i fell into the swing of it.

I would say the most important thing is to back her up in her choices. We didn't have a birth plan or go to any classes as I had an elective section, but he never in any way questioned my decisions about how I was going to do things.

Be really ready to advocate for her. If she’s asked for painkillers and no one is bringing them then chase them up, if she’s being pressured into something she doesn’t want then step in (after checking with her), if she is worried about baby then nag staff until you get monitoring… basically if you have any people pleasing tendencies then squash them completely as it can be a real battle to have basic needs met on maternity wards and having an advocate who is tuned in to you and knows your birth plan can make such a difference.