Advice for a hopelessly unprepared husband who will be supporting his wife during child birth.

[bagelchef]

Hey everyone!

My wife and I are expecting our first child in June. We're in week 10, still technically in the early phase, and it's slowly starting to sink in and as it does I feel hopelessly unprepared.

I have time from now until the birth to get ready and I wanted to ask you all for some advice on how I can at least "not get in the way" or if possible be "supportive, encouraging and reassuring" during the birth process.

I'd love to hear everyone's perspectives but particularly if there are any dad's reading this, please tell me how it went! Things that went well and potential mistakes that I could avoid. The good, the bad and the ugly, I want to hear it all!

I've started reading Men, Birth and Love by Mark Harris and it's been a bit of a mixed bag! It talks a lot of about sex and massages at the start which kind of put me off but as I got deeper it became very informative. I do feel as if the author lobbys for home births and male doctors somehow have overcomplicated things? I'd love to hear thoughts on that too!

Thanks for reading and... Please HELP :)

@spiderlight thank you! I'll take all that on board :)

@Wolffie17 thank you! That sounds like great advice. Funnily enough we were gifted a car seat yesterday from a family member who doesn't know my wife's pregnant! I was like how do they know... But it seems to be coincidence.

@SconehengeRevenge thank you! I certainly want to be at my wife's beck and call but I'm worried I'll go crazy without some sort of distraction during the periods where I'm not really needed. Would you recommend doing something together? Watching Friends or listening to an audio drama? I'm guessing boardgames are OUT.

@minipie thank you! I think that's great advice :)

@TwoDrifters2 thank you! That sounds like such a GREAT idea!! I'm definitely going to do that! I can almost see myself rummage around a messy bag, this will certainly help.

@Waitingfordoggo thank you!

Haha! You're absolutely right and I say some really stupid things sometimes which I really regret after. Nothing hurtful just things that make me sound like a huge clown.

I'm going to be looking into Hypnobirthing soon. I have no idea what it is but people seem to really have found it helpful.

@Silverbirchtable thank you!

The NCT website looks great and I've found a course near us too. I'll speak to my wife about it tonight:)

@bingewatchingnetflix thank you!

You're bang on! I'm a bit embarrassed that it even comes across when I've tried to polish my responses! I often joke that my favourite topic of conversation is myself. Thank you for noticing and saying it how it is! It's certainly something I have noticed and working on :) My main focus is going to be trying to get to know my wife better and be a little less "me me me".

It's ok to do nothing/very little if that's what works for her.

I've had two kids and I needed my partner to do very little. The first I laboured at home until fully dilated. The most important thing he did was encourage me to phone to go in, I wasn't wanting too but I'm glad he did as I would have had her on the bathroom floor if I had stayed at home much longer. Birth 2 he rubbed my back towards the end but mostly sat in a chair getting me the occasional drink or wine gum.

I'm very much a get in the zone and block the world out sort of person so this is what worked for me.

On the car seat gift, it’s not advised that you use a second hand car seat unless you can be absolutely certain of its crash history. So you might decide to just buy your own.

Also with cots - perfectly fine to use a second hand one but buy your own mattress.

I didn’t think about birth plans or what to pack until my third trimester. I went to my antenatal appointments alone (my choice) but DP came to the scans. There’s not much you need to do whilst she’s pregnant except support her decisions regarding the birth. Your main preparation should be on what to expect in the first few weeks of the baby’s life.

@StruggleFlourish thank you! I've certainly learned a lot about child birth and how to be a good birthing partner through this thread. I'll feel I'll be leaning heavily on everyone's experiences from here.

@jellybe thank you! Great advice!

@sashh thank you! That will be my mantra :)

@NewUserName2244 thank you! She's got a tremendous burden that she has to carry and I've got to respect that and her journey through it. I'll try to focus on her struggle and consider my own in light of that. I can certainly understand why it would be so painful for a woman to hear her partner not seeing the immense fight she's going through.

@sleepandcoffee thank you! Great advice :)

@Ritasueandbobtoo9 thank you! I'll definitely think twice before using the bathroom in the ward!

@Sunshineandgrapefruit thank you! Car seat, check! I've just got to figure out how to install it. Great advice!

@SelfRaisingFlour thank you! With the wealth of experience shared here I've certainly noticed that no two births are the same! I guess I'm trying to hear it all now so I'm better prepared for the event. I shudder to think how men who have just "gone with the flow" feel when they walk into the delivery room unprepared... Especially having watched a few birthing videos!

@FigurativelyDying thank you! I'm already so proud of my wife. She's the main provider in our house and doesn't rub it in my face. We've just bought a house and although it has problems we've started building a home. I was thinking last night as we curled up by the fire how blessed I am :)

@Ketryne thank you!

I've got that book already and it's next on my reading list. :)

I'm very aware that my wife hasn't really had a chance to get into planning the birth. She has a very stressful job which she actually really hates. She's just doing it to finance our lives and that of our growing baby that we're waiting for. I love to plan but I also don't want to overwhelm her with it. It's about her wishes, not mine.

I've seen that book during my research. I'll put it on the list.

I'll try my best to be the calm and stable person she needs.

@Superscientist thank you!

That's exactly how I am too! When I'm getting on with something I just want to be left alone. I guess the key is getting to know my wife better and learning her cues.

@Ketryne thanks for the heads up! That was something I absolutely hadn't considered. The seat is practically new. It was bought for a relative of mine who was visiting from Australia last month :)

I'm guessing baby mattresses can get very icky...

@Girlygal thank you! My wife is so busy with work that's what I suspect will happen.

My DH basically ignored the fact I was going to be in Labour at some point, so it's great to read a dad wanting to be prepared! That said, DH is a brilliant DH and father and he suits me well. You read sometimes husbands deciding what 'the perfect birth' looks like and then pushing their partners into not taking drugs etc. DH always had the approach of 'it's your body, and you have to do what you want'. I suspect the DHs who become dictatorial are actually panicking about the utter lack of control they have over the process and try and regain some control by deciding what 'their' birth is going to look like.

What DH did. When I needed silence he sat in the corner and read a Sherlock Holmes Compendium and ate wine gums. When I needed a chat he chatted with me. He thankfully never looked at what was going when I actually gave birth because I really did not want him to so he kept by my shoulder. He went out and brought me a McDonalds at 1 am because I discovered the whole 'tea and toast after birth' at my hospital was a complete myth and when I asked for something to eat I was told I'd have to wait for breakfast at 8 am.

So;

• Bring decent snacks.
• I had no idea when I gave birth first 15 years ago that the hospital did not provide formula for the baby. I was told off soundly in the early hours by the midwife when I asked for formula. So- I recommend ttaking those little containers of pre-prepared newborn formula to have on standby. Doesn't mesn you have to use it. but it may just help. I was sobbing my heart out and finally a hospital porter brought me some and told me to keep it a secret as he 'wasn't supposed to'.
• I had a severe haemorrhage and lost alot of blood. However I 'could not have a transfusion until next Tuesday' (This was Saturday morning) and DH managed to bring a rare steak sandwich and a mini bottle of red wine 'for my iron' on the Monday. I don't know if it helped my blood, but it certainly helped my soul.

I think- you need to take it as it comes. It can be a scary experience, so I also do recommend watching birth videos. One Born Every Minute was a show when I was pregnant and I really feel it helped me to get an idea of what to expect. I expected things would be long, painful, oftentimes boring. What I did not expect is that I would vomit copiously during contractions, etc. Birth is a messy old business.

very best of luck! I hope you both have a great experience and a terrific midwife. A good midwife makes everything better.

The birth is only a tiny part of the bombshell that is going to go off in your life. It's good to be prepared for it, but most midwives won't start thinking seriously about birth plans until the third trimester. Spend more time thinking about how you will be a good dad and supportive husband afterwards. You could be the best birth partner in the world, but if you don't pull your weight with nappies, laundry, food, bottles (if applicable) etc once baby is here, you've undone all your good work.

Get a doula, and keep out of the way unless she specifically asks for you.

Afterwards, no matter what happened or how it went, tell her she was awesome.

Midwife here.
First off, it’s a lovely to see you trying to already take a step into be prepped for delivery day.
my advice to you…

1. Know her preferences. Rather than thinking of it as a ‘birth plan’, have the mindset of it being an ideal scenario, and feel confident in advocating for her. And if she changes her mind, at any time, listen to her. She will know what she needs in the moment.
2. Ask questions. Hopefully you will both feel empowered during the labour and birth but in a stressful busy labour ward care can become task focuesed- you can be the one to bring it back to her needs if you feel it going that way. So ask away. Lots of questions for anything you don’t understand.
3. Pack the hospital bag together. Being involved in the packing stage means you know where her hairbands and lipgloss are. And when the midwife asks you for a hat and nappy you know exactly where they will be without having to empty the contents out.
4. Organise the room. Make sure you keep the room clutter free, especially around the resuscitaire and sides of the bed. Having space in case of an emergency is vital.
5. Go to the classes. As many different types as you can. Learn the skills to support- through words and touch. Skulling yourself with a bank of positive affirmations and massage techniques (especially lower back for latent phase) can give so much support.
6. I know the wards are allowing partners to stay but really consider what is best for you both. Just because you can doesn’t always mean you should. If you feel the midwifery support is good and she is reassured going home to sleep may give you the energy you need to help her through the first sleepless nights at home. The chairs are not at all comfortable and instead coming back refreshed at 7am may be a game changer.
7. Be involved in the pregnancy as much as you can. She has a unique perspective to bind with your baby but you can bind in your own way. Sing, read to and touch her bump if she’s on board. It will make it so much more real to you too.

Congratulations!

http://castbox.fm/app/castbox/feed/9733f5403cd2eb115a42f0d5756828e7d76edf83/track/c11e672bc755ed3ff9f4759470900bd0ebc3049e

There is so much focus on the birth. That’s great, but it is an infinitesimal part of becoming a parent. It is going to happen whether you like it or not. Spend MORE time thinking about how you are going to help her in the early days and beyond.

Honestly DH was fine during the birth but then checked out and left all the childcare to me. That was the hard bit!

@HelpMeUnpickThis thank you!

My biggest fear is that I'll do something like that. Will I be able to handle the tiredness and the intensity of the birth? Then also be sensitive to the needs of my wife. Thank you for sharing that and I'll do my best not to do that!

@Poodleville thank you!

I'll have to familiarise myself with birthing decisions. I have no idea what that entails. We've talked about it and my wife would like me to attend the appointments and my job/new job are really supportive.

I had a look at the positive birth company videos and I'll definitely be watching those with my wife :)

@Bungle2168 thank you! We've been talking about getting a bean bag for the living room. Maybe that's a good shout. Or is it for my wife?

@snugasabug75 thank you! I'll be glad to be of any assistance! :) I'll be mindful of that.

Congratulations!

The most helpful thing my husband did was counting backwards from 100 when a contraction started.
It made me feel like I could hold on to something and not be overwhelmed by the pain.

I agree with first poster it will depend on their personality. But generally I would just be available and responsive to her needs on the day. Listen to her. Have a discussion beforehand about what she wants during birth and be prepared to advocate for her if needed.

Personally, i think there's many different and valid ways to give birth whether that's home birth or hospital birth. I don't think intervention is bad if it's an informed choice and based on risk benefits and as a result of listening to what the woman actually wants for her birth.

@ChristmasMantleStatue thank you!

I've definitely started the learning process early so I can be as prepared as I can for my wife. I'm trying very hard not to be pushy either. My wife hasn't really started her learning journey yet, she's got a very hard, stressful job that she hates so she's not had the energy for it on top of the already large burden from carrying our baby.

I'm hoping my wife won't mind me occupying myself during the bits of the process. I'm thinking, books, TV shows and maybe a video game.

I'd have thought hospitals had formula? Good to know.

So don't forget: snacks, baby formula and wine. Got it! :)

On the advice of someone else in this thread I've watched a few birth videos on IG and they were very illuminating. I'll have to check out this show too.

@SockQueen thank you! That's definitely becoming clear going through this thread. I'll have to pivot at some point to parenting books. :)

@Worldgonecrazy thank you! I'll definitely look into getting a doula.

@thisoldcity thank you! I will :) <3

@Trollpatrol thank you!

Thanks for the advice. I've always been someone who tries to not get in the way of health professionals. I've always assumed they know best but having read the thread here it seems that it can vary. I'll certainly try and ask as many questions as I can and try to ensure I've understood what my wife's wishes are before hand.

I'm looking forward to packing the bags with my wife :) Organising stuff is one of my favourite things to do!

There's such a plethora of options when I comes to classes... I'm trying to figure out exactly what all the differences are! Is baby first aid necessary? That sort of thing.

I snore like a rhinoceros so i won't be sleeping at the ward incase one of the other mums murder me...

I'm going to read and sing to it as much as I can! When is that a thing?

@InTheNotswolds thank you! That's certainly becoming more and more apparent. I'll pivot soon to parenting books soon :)

@Hedgehogbrown thank you! I'll give it a listen :)

Formula is varied in hospitals
At the hospital I was in, if you were intending to formula feed they asked you to bring it with you but they did have some formula available if baby needs it for what ever reason.

With my second I was intending on breastfeeding from birth however he was too sleepy to breastfeed due to low blood sugars - newborns need to feed regularly and if they don't wake for feeds you need to wake them. We were unable to wake him up and I was given the option of trying to express colostrum to give by syringe, give formula or give glucose. I couldn't collect the colostrum I was producing so the midwives got me some formula. The same happened for the next feed but I was able to express some colostrum so he had that and then formula. The following feed the same and he had more formula. After this was I was to get him to latch to breastfeed and by the following day he was able to maintain his blood sugars and since 36h old he has been exclusive breastfeed.

My partner couldn't stay with either of my births, with the first it was 2020 and they weren't able to stay and the second time we had my daughter at home so he left in time to pick her up from school. The midwives knew I was alone and told me to buzz if I needed. Across the two babies I only needed to do that once when my second evacuated his body weight in meconium whilst I tried to change his nappy. We have to use a towel rather than wipes to clean his bottom and it was bad enough for her to tell the other midwives! I was in for 3 days and 2 days for the two births.

The thing that has got us through the long days of newborn life is the "there's no point us both being awake" approach. I take the overnights and my partner goes to sleep. By the early morning my partner then takes over and I sleep or have naps in the day. I'm a night owl and he is a lark so this combination works for others. Other couples find mum going to bed early and dad taking the baby until midnight -1am and then they hand over baby to mum and they take over while you sleep.

The biggest thing I learnt in the early days of being a first time parent was ... All babies do is feed, sleep and wee/poo (as you are always told) but and this is a big BUT they don't know how to do any of that!!

My first had a milk allergies and we didn't know this and she was pooing 10-30 times a day and we spent a lot of time in those early days doing tummy runs and bicycle legs and poo oozed out of her. We didn't have this issue with my second but he was born with a severe tongue tie and could only breastfeed in one position, but having breastfeed before I was able to explore different feeding positions and find one that worked quite quickly. So it might be worth learning about feeding too. Note on tongue ties .... There is strip of skin under the tongue which anchors it to the bottom of the mouth. In some babies there is more of the tongue is attached than there should be and this can impact feeding as they don't have the dexterity for getting milk from the breast or bottle. This can be mild and not need treatment but others need it to be cut. My son's tongue was attached to the very tip of the tongue so he had barely any mobility. We had it cut at 8 days and this greatly improved feeding within a day or two

I've never felt the need to baby/paediatric first aid courses but I've been a regular first aider for a long time and my mum was a nurse and taught us first aid when I was about 8.

I found multiple small bags more helpful than one big bag. This was particularly useful as I had multiple trips to triage and had two admissions to the maternity ward in late pregnancy so it was useful to have a small bag with just my stuff for those times

@viktoria thank you! I'll talk to my wife about that tip. Did it help because the pain was transitory?

@Pinkosand thank you! I guess my wife will develop her thoughts on the birth and pregnancy as it progresses. I'm looking forward to the conversations because it feels like I've done my homework :)

@Superscientist thank you!

It's been really insightful reading your post! Colostrum, meconium, I'd never have thought to look this up.

I'm just waiting to see how the baby sleeps. My sister in law's baby was up all night so it was very difficult for her and her partner. Plans at this point are probably a bit premature.

This might sound ridiculous but I looked after a kitten that was rejected by it's mother. All it did was eat sleep and poo/wee in a cycle every 2-3 hours for a week or two when I first started to look after him. It was hard! I'm guessing this will be more challenging. :)

On the sleeping thing after the baby comes, one tip I was told (but it did not work for us) was that one person is responsible for all the night-wakings one night and the other the next. Theory being that you will each alternate a good night sleep. Only works if not breastfeeding of course.

It did not work for us at all, because I was always hyper-vigilent after birth and would leap awake. But I mention it in case it works well for others.

Thanks for sharing :)

@bagelchef just a thought, but my DH was emotionally supportive but trusted me implicitly in relation to decisions about my body and how to give birth, accepting they were 100% my decision. Obv if I'd wanted to give birth in a stable and no medical help, he'd have had a view.

Oh, and don't hum the signature tune to jaws when the maternity class goes to see the birthing pool.

The best thing dh did was to focus on work which meant there was sufficient money comong in for there to be no financial worries.

Sorry jist saw this. I didn't use any specific techniques, more just made an effort to keep breathing slow and steady especially as they ramped up.