Advice for a hopelessly unprepared husband who will be supporting his wife during child birth.

[bagelchef]

Hey everyone!

My wife and I are expecting our first child in June. We're in week 10, still technically in the early phase, and it's slowly starting to sink in and as it does I feel hopelessly unprepared.

I have time from now until the birth to get ready and I wanted to ask you all for some advice on how I can at least "not get in the way" or if possible be "supportive, encouraging and reassuring" during the birth process.

I'd love to hear everyone's perspectives but particularly if there are any dad's reading this, please tell me how it went! Things that went well and potential mistakes that I could avoid. The good, the bad and the ugly, I want to hear it all!

I've started reading Men, Birth and Love by Mark Harris and it's been a bit of a mixed bag! It talks a lot of about sex and massages at the start which kind of put me off but as I got deeper it became very informative. I do feel as if the author lobbys for home births and male doctors somehow have overcomplicated things? I'd love to hear thoughts on that too!

Thanks for reading and... Please HELP :)

@estellacandance thank you! I've made a note of the author! :)

@MrsPatrickDempsey thank you! That's my biggest fear, being a spare part. More because I fear that I'll do something to offend or not be able to leap to my wife's needs quickly enough. I don't want to distract myself with a book or game but I worry I won't be able to watch her constantly without being able to engage.

@MrsSkylerWhite thank you! I will :)

Don't spend your partner's entire 19-hour unmedicated back-to-back labour telling the midwives you've got a headache, and don't try to put her on the phone to the bank when she's 7cm dilated.

Some great advice here. I’d also say don’t just think about the birth! Learn how to fix the car seat in place, how to fold and unfold the buggy in a jiffy, how to sterilise bottles etc. Doing all of that beforehand will make life that bit easier later. Enjoy!

Keep remembering:- It. Is. Not. About. You!

By all means bring a book to the delivery room, but don't expect to get it out
And if you do, expect to be judged for it.

The birth plan will write itself as you go to the classes, as she will know what she does and doesn't want.

Don't do competitive tiredness after the birth (or during if the birth is difficult).

Suck it up and let her sleep.

Love your child unconditionally.

Never forget she's a wife as well as a mother, but don't be a sex pest.
Again, It. Is. Not. About. You!

Enjoy the madness!

Do less research about birth. It doesn’t last that long and you’re not in control of any of it. All you need to remember is listen to your wife and do what is best for her at all times.

Do way, way more research about babies.

The baby lasts a lot longer than the birth.

A tip that we found really useful for our hospital bag was to pack little ziploc bags with a complete baby outfit in each one.

So a newborn size nappy, a newborn size vest, a newborn size sleepsuit & a newborn size hat.

That way you can grab an entire outfit all at once for each day and not be scrabbling around in a huge duffel bag or holdall for a baby hat or vest.

Congratulations to you and your wife on her pregnancy. You sound very excited and keen to be a good support, which is a great starting point.

Bear in mind labour can go on for many, many hours, or indeed days (especially for first births). Please don’t feel you have to fill every silence with encouragements, chatter or questions to your wife. Many women really ‘go into themselves’ in labour. It’s difficult to explain but it can be quite an out-of-body experience, and psychologically challenging (as well as obviously very physically demanding- it probably compares to running a marathon in terms of physical endurance and strength. )

If your wife already finds your chatter a bit much at times (I think you alluded to this in one post?), she is unlikely to enjoy too much of it in labour. Less is more!
‘You say it best when you say nothing at all’ 😂

Please be guided by her mood on the day. Wait for her to start conversations or ask questions. She will set the vibe! Maybe between now and the birth, try to practice a bit of mindfulness/meditation (plenty online about that and you’ll probably come across it if you explore Hypnobirthing- if that’s something your wife wants to do). And get used to really listening to your wife! I hope all goes really well. Good luck to you both! 💐

I found this post really sweet as it really resonated with how my husband felt. We have two now, and our first birth was really challenging.
As other posters have said, every birth is so different it’s almost impossible to plan (not helpful!). Our first one went really fast and he was helpful because he remembered everything from NCT and really advocated on the phone with the hospital when they didn’t want me to come in too early. We had a really fast labour and I’m glad he pushed them as I couldn’t at the time and we did need to go in.

I would massively advise doing NCT classes - we’re in London and it had two benefits. A) it gave a really realistic view on birth, the challenges on women’s bodies and the reality of nhs deliveries and B) a ready made group of friends all going through the same. Our kids are now seven and we all still socialise. For the dads especially it gave a great support network.

I felt lucky my husband asked all the things you’re asking now, and as long as you take her lead you’ll both be brilliant. All the very best for this adventure, it’s a wild ride but the best kind!

@bagelchef
As sweet as this post might come across, you do sound quite self absorbed.

You might just have to make her a badge??

I think the best ‘present’ or really just a basic expectation of your role, would be; to be stoic, calm and helpful.

And if you get shouted out, maybe even sworn at.. take it on the chin. This time is not about you but supporting quietly.

Hi there, I'm afraid I can't give you any practical advice but I just wanted to say how lovely it is to hear a "father to be" admit that he's unprepared, but also that he wants to learn and wants to get advice and wants to be a better husband and partner and father and I just think that's really great. Oh and congratulations to you both, as well!

listen to what she wants. Yes it is your baby too but the labour is all hers. If she wants the pool support her that, if she wants a planned CS support her in that, if she wants to breast feed support her in that.

Pack the hospital bags with her - don’t be that dad who doesn’t have a clue what they have brought to the hospital for mum or baby it isn’t helpful or cute 🙄

From now on your wife is right about everything. If she wants ice cream at 3am she needs ice cream at 3.00. If she predicts the winner of the next world cup, she is right. She is right all the time, about everything.

I agree with the not giving out information, a friend had her MIL turn up before she'd been cleaned up, she was not ready for visitors.

Don't discuss name choices with other people, everyone has an opinion on names and some people will try to get you to use their choice or not use one that you love.

My biggest bit of advice throughout birth and the newborn stage is think before you complain to your wife about something.

If she’s giving birth and you feel tired/sore/stressed then you don’t need to say that because it is a lot worse for her.

If you have a newborn who she is breastfeeding and you’re woken by it you don’t need to complain about being tired - she is a lot more tired.

So many women I know have stories about how their partner did this repeatedly throughout that period - women who still feel it years later!

Don’t complain , support her decisions, advocate for her if it gets too much but to be honest birth is a tiny section of having a child , the main event you need to be prepped for is the postpartum time in my opinion .
Letting her rest as much as possible, follow her lead on when and who she wants visiting, learn about whats normal for babies sleep and feeding wise and keep her fed / hydrated !

Just some observations from my time, I was in hospital for a while.

1. Don’t complain that the chairs are uncomfortable during labour.
2. Do bring clean clothes / nice food and drinks in.
3. Don’t ask the midwife how soon you can have sex.
4. Don’t use the bathrooms in the ward which are for women giving birth/post partum.

Really some men are vile.

Don't forget the birth plan or car seat! You are your wife's voice when she needs it so advocate for her. Be a pita when midwives are not listening to her. Be 'on duty' as soon as the baby was born. I got whisked away and my DH was literally left holding the baby had to do first nappy change etc while I was getting stitched back up in surgery and wasn't expecting that ( not sure why but just in case you weren't!). He was great at getting my birthing bath fo baby 2 when midwives said I was almost there and questioned whether it was worth it. It definitely was.

Women don't all react the same way and births aren't all the same.

I went into myself during labour, I never held DH's hand and would have found reassurance or being told to breathe annoying. Even when I had my kids on the NHS 18-23 years ago the midwives left me/us alone a lot. I suspect that won't have got any better.

DH missed our second child's birth by 15 minutes, because he was sorting child care for the oldest. It was me and a midwife (mostly outside the room) and I pressed a buzzer when my waters broke to get the midwife into the room.

With our third I told DH that I would raise my hand (I couldn't talk during contractions) when I needed him to fetch the midwife. The midwife asked him to hold my other leg during the birth so "staying at the head end" might not be an option.

In contrast, I had pre eclampsia with my first and was in high dependency, there were three doctors and a midwife there during the ventouse birth. DH just had to stand out of the way.

My point is that it is very unpredictable. You need to be flexible and calm and go with what your wife wants and the situation. I never had a caesarian, but an emergency caesarian is always a possibility.

This is such a great thread and really highlights the diversity of birth experiences and the way people respond to Labour and birth. Thank you for posting it. I have a feeling you are going to be a great birthing partner and father.
i am almost retirement age now, but I will never forget my neighbour’s husband telling everyone how proud he was of his wife, how strong she was during her 2 day labour. It made her glow with pleasure. I remember feeling sad that my husband had never said anything like that about me. It was such a small thing, but it’s stuck with me for nearly 40 years!

You’ve got lots of good advice here so far - my husband really rated the ‘pregnancy for men’ book.

The key thing in the run-up I’d say is not getting carried away trying to be helpful and rushing your wife through the pregnancy. She will want to pack her own hospital bag, your job is to know exactly where it is. She should take the time to research and write her own birth plan when she’s ready (including whether she does or doesn’t want pain relief, wants to do hypnobirthing etc.). Your job is to read and understand her preferences and advocate for them, while also understanding that her wishes might change when the time comes.

One thing I found really helpful (recommended in a great book called ‘your no guilt guide to pregnancy - a good one for your wife) was thinking about things I did and didn’t want my husband to do in labour and having a frank conversation about it beforehand. For instance, I got it in my head that I’d find it infuriating if DH was looking at the football scores while in labour, so I told him this in advance!!

In labour, your job is to just be a present, helpful advocate. And remind her she can do it, even when she feels she can’t! If you can lighten the mood in the quiet moments that helps. I was just finishing a contraction and my husband accidentally said ‘good boy’ as he stroked my head (we have a dog). We both burst out laughing!

Oh and whatever happens, you have to try and keep it together for her. If you’re her advocate, you can’t go to pieces. My dad was apparently sent out of the room when my mum was in labour with my sister because he kept stressing about the heartbeat on the monitor. The midwives said everything was fine and he was just stressing her out.

@Lavender14 thank you!

The knowledge that I can't really do much in the delivery room is going to be challenging. I've learned recently that when my wife tells me about a problem, that isn't a prompt for me to "help" but rather to just listen. This understanding has certainly helped but it did take a lot of practice.

There's nothing I love more than a good plan! Sadly it's sticking to the plans I've always struggled with. When I find something challenging or scary my impulse is either to learn as much as I can and start to plan or bury my head. I'm glad to say in regards to pregnancy it's the former! :) However I fear that my urge to plan is comes a little too early for my wife and I don't want her to feel pressured by me. What do you think are good time frames? I guess should my wife never come around to the idea of planning her birth, that's okay too as long as we've talked about it?

I'm looking forward to meeting other parents at the antenatal courses and start to talk about birth with other people. I've been looking up dad's groups too! Fortunately I've got a few friends who have had babies, I hope I can learn from their experiences.

The picture of the ideal birthing partner is sounding more and more like someone else but in asking now I have some time to adapt.

Nine hours of breastfeeding, wow! I can't imagine what kind of roll that has on a body.

Sex is something that hasn't really crossed my mind all that much. I'm just constantly scared of harming the baby. I'm just going to follow her lead on it. Truthfully, both of us a so tired at the moment sex just isn't a priority.

Don't eat her snacks will be on the top of my mental list. :)

@DriedHydrangea thank you! I haven't given much thought to fatherhood. The birth seems like such a huge singularity that I can't mentally get passed. Thanks for giving me perspective. From what I've read, birth will mostly take care of itself, being a dad is the bit where I can be more active and make a difference.

@Lemonysnickety thank you!

Strangely I'm really looking forward to changing nappies and being with the baby. I just hope I'm ready for all the crying!

@MyBrightPeer thank you! Absolutely! I guess as we march closer I'll have to pivot towards learning about being a good dad.

@Kindnesscostsnothingtryit thank you!

I'm dreading having a crying baby but my experience has been a few instances of baby sitting my sister in law's daughter for a few hours. That was challenging as my niece doesn't really know me and therefore doesn't really feel comfortable. At least I hope that as baby's get to know you more, the more comfortable they are with you and hopefully will be less inclined to cry. We shall see!

I do a lot of the house work already, I love to cook! We've bought a chest freezer so we can start to freeze meals for the first few months of pregnancy.

The book I'm reading at the moment talks about building intimacy with your wife such that she feels calmed by my presence rather than burdened. I guess this relationship is built by my wife feeling she can rely on me and that's done by listening and respecting her wishes and being consistent.

I pray that I'll be what she needs me to be.

DO NOT do this:

Knowing that I had been nil by mouth for over 24 hours waiting for the c section, he went home to shower and change, then took a much longer time than expected to come back to the hospital. When he did turn up, he walked in saying he’d had a nap (fair enough), showered and then decided to go and have a slap up breakfast before heading back to see new baby and I.

He didnt bring me any food.

Food orders had been taken the previous day (when I was not allowed to eat) so I was not registered for breakfast or lunch, and I had a catheter so was not able to go down to shop etc. Nurses promised to check for spare sandwiches but never returned.

I was so hungry I was tearful. Pain and hunger are not a good combo.

My DD is 9 now and I am still angry about this.

so @bagelchef - do not do this.

Great you're thinking ahead, and yet it's early days, so I think my advice would be join your wife as fully on the pregnancy journey as you can, and be discussing the birthing decisions and possibility with her over the coming months. Go to as many of her appointments as you can (when she is happy with that of course), take an antenatal class together, read together etc. Become a pregnancy and childbirth geek basically.

You can't predict how labour will go or what she will need exactly, but you can help her by knowing at least as much as she does about what's going on, so you aren't always playing catch up. The Positive Birth company have a great series of online videos including guidance for birth partners.

I think speaking to other dads is a great idea, you'll need support too but the truth is there are going to be times where your wife won't be able to do that for you now. You need to source other support so you can be there for her. This thread is a good start!

Congratulations and good luck.

DS is 17 and I'm still annoyed about the mini mars bars!

Buy a doughnut cushion.

I remember on ds2 grabbing his t shirt with my fist, pulling him close to be as I was pushing, poor guy couldn't get away! But I physically needed something to grab as I pushed and he was the only thing to hand. So don't be taken aback if something unusual happens.