Advice for a hopelessly unprepared husband who will be supporting his wife during child birth.

[bagelchef]

Hey everyone!

My wife and I are expecting our first child in June. We're in week 10, still technically in the early phase, and it's slowly starting to sink in and as it does I feel hopelessly unprepared.

I have time from now until the birth to get ready and I wanted to ask you all for some advice on how I can at least "not get in the way" or if possible be "supportive, encouraging and reassuring" during the birth process.

I'd love to hear everyone's perspectives but particularly if there are any dad's reading this, please tell me how it went! Things that went well and potential mistakes that I could avoid. The good, the bad and the ugly, I want to hear it all!

I've started reading Men, Birth and Love by Mark Harris and it's been a bit of a mixed bag! It talks a lot of about sex and massages at the start which kind of put me off but as I got deeper it became very informative. I do feel as if the author lobbys for home births and male doctors somehow have overcomplicated things? I'd love to hear thoughts on that too!

Thanks for reading and... Please HELP :)

DH found the Positive Bitth Company hypnobirthing course really helpful as some of the sections basically tell you how to be a good birth partner. I liked it too, especially understanding more about the physiology of labour and birth.

Main things I'd say are have spare batteries for the TENS machine, I'd also recommend spare pads as mine got stuck to the paper bed cover during an examination and didn't adhere well after that. Have snacks and drinks and keep offering them - food/drink was the last thing on my mind but becoming dehydrated during labour can stall things, so being gently offered a drink or snack between contractions was very helpful (rather than having contraction > thinking about needing something > asking for it and then waiting for him to dig through the bag!).

Oh, & if she poos during birth you take that to your grave.

I wish I'd read more about the latent phase of labour beforehand. Unlike my mum and sister, I had a long latent phase which was draining and demoralising. I wish I'd rested as much as possible after I was woken up at 2am by the first contraction, as it turned out that I had a long labour ahead of me.

After many hours, I just wanted to be admitted to hospital and have painkillers. If your wife goes through something similar, be very patient and reassuring. Phone the maternity ward for advice, if either of you have any concerns or if your wife thinks she'll need to be admitted soon (although they'll probably want to speak to your wife too). You can help by timing how far apart her contractions are.

In labour, don't be surprised or hurt if your wife goes "into the zone" and wants to focus on her body and the contractions, rather than talking to you or letting you provide any other distraction from the pain. Some women just naturally cope this way.

Just go with the flow, presumably it’s your wife’s first baby too, so it’ll be an unknown, unforgettable experience that you go into together. People are so quick to give advice and share their horror stories but you just need to be present - and preferably awake.
(when your wife makes a birth plan much nearer her due date with her midwife, there might be specific things she’ll want to share with you)

I was not able to speak very much in labour. Unfortunately the small amount I did manage to say was not explored further by the midwife. You can potentially help by eg repeating back what your wife says and checking if you’re unsure - eg ‘you say you don’t know what’s happening. Would it help if the midwife describes what might happen next?’

Advocate for your wife. I had an epidural and it hurt being put in. The midwife and anaesthetist said it didn’t hurt and my husband said, “If she says it hurts, it hurts.” Don’t leave her side unless she asks you to. If she wants better pain relief, advocate for her. Take snacks and drinks for yourself so you don’t have to leave her to go to a vending machine. Make sure you don’t need to leave her alone whilst you top up the parking ticket - do it by card or get a taxi to hospital. If she wants all the drugs, don’t try to talk her out of it.

Be prepared to be shouted at, sworn at and told to go away! I did all of these to my DH, however 36 years later we’re still married so he clearly has very thick skin!

I’d recommend doing something like NCT and making sure you go to all the sessions with your wife.
Look after her, especially in the third trimester when she’ll feel heavy and tired. She’ll need to put her feet up a lot.
put some paracetamol in the hospital bag - midwives are stingy with it after birth and she might really it faster than ward rounds will administer. If you snore, do not stay overnight in hospital. It’s not fair to the other mums on the ward (honestly, I felt murderous about the one dad on ours as he snored like a freight train).
My DH found Your Baby Week By Week really useful for the early stages of our DCs’ lives.

Good snacks, drinks
Dont eat all the snacks and then when, after the birth your wife says ' where's the 10 pack of mini mars bars?' say ' Oh I stress ate them!?

Mine was after the waiting room option until it came to the time. Mostly sat in the chair until after the birth when he dressed the baby with a HCA. I sent him away to fit the car seat and get himself some lunch. There were about 8 medical professionals in the room when I gave birth so the chair, out of the way was the best option.

Do not ever say you are tired for a good two to three days. Offer to hold baby so she can eat. Take it in turns who eats 1st. If breastfeeding bring her drinks and snacks.

Know her birth plan

I echo pps, do not ever say you are hungry or tired.

You’ve done more than my DH did, he never read anything, came to scans and ante natal classes, but I don’t think he took much in, but saying that, he became a natural once baby was born and couldn’t do enough for the both of us.

Congratulations to you both, and please know that feeling “hopelessly unprepared” is completely normal for first-time dads. The fact you’re already thinking about how to support your wife actually puts you ahead of most.

First I would think about understanding that pregnancy hormones are powerful, and VERY unpredictable.

Understanding will help you take things less personally and respond with more compassion.

Her body is going through enormous changes right now.
Progesterone can make her exhausted, emotional and foggy.
Oestrogen can heighten sensitivity, smells, and emotions.
Relaxin softens ligaments, causing aches, instability, and clumsiness.
Rapid blood volume changes can cause dizziness, headaches, and sudden crying spells.

Its a minefield. Its easy to think she's over “overreacting", she isn't! She’s doing Olympic-level biology while trying to live her normal life.

Sometimes the best thing you can say is,
“It’s okay, I know your body’s working overtime. I’m here, how can I help.”
Those two lines can calm her nervous system more than anything else.

Be the calm voice in the room during labour. If you stay steady, she will feel steadier.

“You’re doing brilliantly.” “I’m right here with you.” “You’re safe.” "I got you".
Those matter more than any massage technique ever will.

Be her advocate when she can’t speak up. Pregnancy and birth can make it hard for women to speak for themselves, hormones, pain, exhaustion, or anxiety, even the fear of looking and feeling daft after hearing years of horror stories and "how easy it was for me" stories, can all get in the way. She may tell you things she'd be worried to tell others.

The job of the birth partner is simple, not heroic. You don’t need to fix anything. Just support. Keep her hydrated, Keep the room calm, Offer your hand (and don’t get offended if she bites it off!), Make sure she’s heard.

Makr practical preparations together, it will make you feel less helpless. Pack the bag together. Learn the route. Know where everything is in the hospital bag. It will stop panic on the day.

Please don’t take ANYTHING personally during labour.

If she says “stop touching me,” “shut up,” “don’t breathe like that,” or “this is your fault... it’s the hormones + pain + intensity talking. Your job is to stay steady, not retreat or take it to heart

After the birth, you become protector and gatekeeper.

This is where you shine. Handle visitors ( there will be many and probably at ridiculous times or when mum obviously needs a rest. Fetch food, manage the baby while she rests, support feeding, make sure she drinks and eats, keep the environment quiet Birth is one day. Recovery is weeks.

PLEASE DON'T WORRY ABOUT HOUSE WORK. It will still be there in a few weeks, this is a special time for bonding and recovery.

Try not to say anything daft like my husband did "it's coming" Well yeah duh! "Yes I'm tired too" bitch please, I just sh!t a beach ball. "My mother did this...." no no no no no!

You’re already the kind of dad who wants to step up , your wife is lucky.

You don’t need to be an expert. Just thoughtful, informed, and present, you got this!

Don’t talk about how tired you are.

best thing my husband ever did was tell me he felt nervous about home births because of the risks. Our second child is only alive because we had a hospital birth and I ended up having a crash section under general anaesthetic

I can offer you a couple of what not to do’s!
Don’t lie down on the bed when your wife goes to the toilet after giving birth and promptly fall into a deep sleep.
Don’t forget it’s not the 50’s anymore and go out that night to wet the baby’s head when she and the baby have been home for only about 2 hours!!

🤬 yes I’m still bitter!!

Congratulations to you both - what an exciting time ☺️

I’d say:

• Know your wife’s birth preferences and be able and willing to advocate for her and her preferences
• I found the hypnobirthing online course by The Positive Birth Company really informative. I wasn’t big into a lot of the affirmations and stuff but DH and I watched all the videos together and I think it helped give us both a better understanding of what was actually happening in my body at each stage. So that may be worth looking at.
• Pack her hospital bag and baby’s hospital bag with her. The chance are it will be you grabbing stuff out the bags. She’ll have enough going on without having to answer “where is the…?” every 5 minutes 🤣

And just incase you’re like my DH - don’t have a moan that you’re soooo hungry because you haven’t eaten for 12 whole hours when your wife hasn’t been allowed to eat at all and is 48 hours in to an induction and has just gone from 3cm to 10cm dilated in the space of 8 minutes 🫠🤣 and don’t disappear to the toilet when she’s just about to start pushing 🫠🤣 and if you do then make sure it’s definitely not to eat the snacks that she’s not been allowed to eat 🫠🙄🤣

@Rainbowlou0001 He did NOT go out that night?! 😳😅😅😅

The birth is one day.
Talk to her about expectations.
Talk about what happens after. Nappy changing. Holding the baby so she can shower. Doing housework and meals while she breastfeeding. Considering childcare a joint cost from household income. Dont be the man who does not know where the nappy cream is kept.

Stay at the head end
Accept with good grace being sworn at
If the monitor dips and the midwife's being gung ho about it, do what my DH did, throw open the doors and yell "I want a Doctor in here right now". Saved DS's life.
Do not tell your dw, three hours after the birth that you are very tired.
Take food the following day.

I just had my second. I’m naturally quite calm in a crisis so mostly just needed him to also be calm and feel like he was attending to my every whim, which he did brilliantly. I recommend you both read Hypnobirthing by Siobhan Miller regardless of what kind of birth you are planning - it covers everything from unmedicated home birth to planned c section.

Make sure your wife eats and drinks lots of water during labour. A lot of women forget but it’s so important for your muscles - like running a marathon. I recommend dolly mix and energy drinks as well as water. The maternity hydrant is well worth the money and I still use it post natal for hands free drinking while breastfeeding.

Sending sticky baby dust!

@Sillysoggyspaniel thank you!

I'm starting to understand my role, and I see a big part of it is being her advocate. I'm just worried my wife fears she can't rely on me. I'm quite soft and flit between being having everything covered for a few weeks to having a month or two where I'm a mess. My wife can count on me being her cheerleader during the birth but I suppose she has to feel as if she can rely on me too for it to really work. This means I need to start being consistent.

I'm very touchy feely... Haha! I'm going to have to develop that self restraint and understanding her cues. I've promised myself that should anything hit my ego, I'm going to be a champ and take it.

Thank you for the advice!

@Squishedpassenger thank you!

I understood I needed to prepare a "go bag" for when my wife needs to rush to the hospital but I didn't realise I needed a bag for the baby face palm. Also, taking your own snacks is a real thing? Maybe this will sound silly but do delivery rooms have mini fridges?

As for distractions, I considered starting to listen to the new Harry Potter audio edition closer to the birth so we could maybe listen to it during delivery but I fear my wife won't be able to concentrate... I'm not a fan to be honest but my wife loves Harry Potter. What distractions did you take? Portable DVD player? Nintendo Switch? A book?

I watched a few videos about delivery today shortly after writing this post and it certainly demystified the process. I've heard of water breaking and cervix being dilated but I've never given it much thought till today...

@Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee thank you!

This will be my mantra throughout. As I was telling someone who replied earlier, I'm quite soft and I struggle sometimes with how direct my wife is. But I'll be mindful that during delivery she will be in an seemingly impossible situation and I want to be the support she needs.

@ShesTheAlbatross thank you!!

I talked to my wife today about a birth plan and as we're still in the early stages she hasn't given it any thought. I presume they'll cover it during Antenatal Classes? I don't want to give her the impression that I'm compelling her to make a plan or that I'm some kind of teacher wanting to check her homework so I think I'll leave it for now.

I'm Reading Men, Love and Birth by Mark Harris and it talks a lot about massages which I was a bit unexpected. My wife caught me reading it, laughed and said, "so you're going to start giving me massages now are you?". I wasn't sure how to take and and I felt a little embarrassed. Did the back rubs help you? Should I try and see if my wife enjoys them?

What was something in your hospital bag that really helped you? As my wife will give birth in July, I thought I should buy a battery powered fan!

@Thehorticuluralhussie thank you!

I'm preparing myself mentally for being at the mercy of the pregnancy outbursts! Haha! I think this will be one of the toughest parts for me. I'll have to see what techniques I can use to keep myself calm.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp thank you!

My wife told me that her sister actually told her partner to shut up during delivery while he was trying to verbally reassure her. I'm worried that my wife will start to find my reassurances vacuous and patronising and then she'll get annoyed. I'm thinking I'll have to have presence without sounding like a broken record on repeat.

We've had 3 babies now-- husband sat and watched whilst eating wine gums (the wine gums I packed for me), like it was some sort of show, with the occasional 'you okay?' Did this every time. Thankfully I have had straight forward fast labours so his minimal input approach was fine. And honestly, I appreciated being left alone to focus on breathing through my contractions.

Only time I wanted to punch him was baby number 2 when he kept banging on about the fact we were meant to get a Chinese take out that night and now couldn't. So maybe avoid this.

Tbh I feel sorry for dads, as the birth process is quite intense and imagine they feel a little helpless. Probably best to ask her how she wants to be supported.

And remember skin to skin is important as dad too ❤️

Honestly, I think I might have stabbed my DH during labour if he had tried to "verbally reassure" me - I'd have found it infuriating given that he didn't know any more about what was going on than I did, and he wasn't the one with the pain.

As things turned out, I think he was so overwhelmed by the whole experience and by seeing how much I was suffering that he actually had no idea what to say and therefore said very little... and from my perspective, that was absolutely the right response as, if he had said more, I can almost guarantee that he would have said the wrong thing!😂

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack thank you!

I think I could learn a lot from your husband. I think if all the kinds of people a delivery room, the quiet but reliable partner sounds like the best model for me to emulate. I'd love to hear what his perspective was!

@NameChange30 thank you!

I'm really looking forward to going to the classes with my wife :)

I've added that boom to the list! It looks really good. I've already got "Pregnancy for Men" by the same author.

@justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushouldx thank you!

My wife calls me her personal photographer. Haha. I'd be gutted if I missed a great photo opportunity so thanks for making me aware of that.

@PermanentTemporary thank you!

Great advice. I was planning to go through some of the books aimed at mums too :)

@SheSpeaks thank you!

We have spoken about it and she's firmly for having me there. I've told her that I wouldn't take it personally if she did change her mind at any point. I realise the more I read that I have to find a place for myself at the sidelines. Present but not overbearing. Something that I'm certainly not accustomed to do I'll have to do my best to prepare! Thank you for your perspective.

I suspect they my wife probably won't want to be touched too much either but that's an assumption from me and ground I've not yet covered with her.

@IdaGlossop thank you!

From what I've read, that seems to be the most important trait, calmness. I'm quite chatty, some might say loud, and I say some ridiculous things when silence falls. This is something I'll have to have under control when the time comes. I suppose I've also got to build the image of a calm and reliable person in my partner's mind.