Advice for a hopelessly unprepared husband who will be supporting his wife during child birth.

[bagelchef]

Hey everyone!

My wife and I are expecting our first child in June. We're in week 10, still technically in the early phase, and it's slowly starting to sink in and as it does I feel hopelessly unprepared.

I have time from now until the birth to get ready and I wanted to ask you all for some advice on how I can at least "not get in the way" or if possible be "supportive, encouraging and reassuring" during the birth process.

I'd love to hear everyone's perspectives but particularly if there are any dad's reading this, please tell me how it went! Things that went well and potential mistakes that I could avoid. The good, the bad and the ugly, I want to hear it all!

I've started reading Men, Birth and Love by Mark Harris and it's been a bit of a mixed bag! It talks a lot of about sex and massages at the start which kind of put me off but as I got deeper it became very informative. I do feel as if the author lobbys for home births and male doctors somehow have overcomplicated things? I'd love to hear thoughts on that too!

Thanks for reading and... Please HELP :)

The fact you’ve even written this tells me you’re going to be great. You’re already thinking about things some partners never even think of at all. And don’t worry about feeling unprepared…nobody feels prepared for their first baby. You figure it all out pretty quickly😅

Yep!

He tried to convince me that ‘everybody’ does it, I’m still yet to meet another man that did!!

Pack the bags together, you physically do the packing so you know where everything is.

do birth prep classes or research together, get to know her birth preferences. Be prepared to advocate for her when she can’t advocate for herself.

Have plenty of open discussions with her in preparation and discuss what she would and wouldn’t find helpful… that being said this can all change in labour.

I find dads are more comfortable at home birth as they are in their own environment. In hospital the power dynamic is different, it’s easier for dads to sink into the background.

finally, look at badassmotherbirther on insta. Watch those videos and get comfortable with physiological birth.

Only your wife can give birth.

She may be deep in her zone, so follow empatheticslly. I did not want ‘cheerful chat’, I didn’t want anyone talking near by, I didn’t want anyone making calls, texting and keeping relatives updated (birth is not a spectator sport, even at a distance).

I wanted to walk about, breathe, talk when I wanted to, demand stuff, everything and anything on my terms,

You probably don’t need to ‘do’ anything. Just be there absolutely and 100% committed to her and be totally on her side.

Congratulations, no greater privilege than to be there at the birth of your treasured baby.

His perspective? Lol. He absolutely hated it but felt like he had to grit his teeth and get on with it because it was self evident that I had the worse end of the deal!

We only had one in the end due to secondary infertility. I think DH was secretly relieved that he didn't have to go through it all again!

It's great that you're thinking about it and trying to prepare, OP, but the reality is, it will be different for everyone. You won't know how you're going to react, and your wife won't know how she wants/needs you to react until she is in that situation herself. And there are so many variables.

I think the main thing is to remember that you're there to support her and not as the star of the show, that you might have to absorb some of your wife's difficult emotions but it isn't personal, and that you just need to keep the focus on her and on what she wants/needs throughout the process. While realising that some of the time, she won't even know what she wants/needs herself!

If you get it a bit wrong, it won't really matter. You wouldn't be the first! I'm sure it will be fine!

My number one advice would be to focus on how you can support your wife and child AFTER the birth, and in all the years to come.

Commit to being the best husband and father you can be and chances are that all will be well.

@kittywittyandpretty thank you!

That's a refreshing take. I'm absolutely all for pain medication. Unnecessary pain is always pointless. Aren't there any negative side effects or potential problems for the baby?

Now you've mentioned it might have to make a badge or an award for my wife. Or just cook her, her favourite meal when we get home. Perhaps I'm being too ambitious here.

@PermanentTemporary I'll have to do some more research on what a TENS machine is. What was it like? I did see on the NHS website it said for pregnant women not to use it without clearance from a doctor or nurse.

@HoppityBun thank you!

@Scottishskifun thank you!

I was considering how embarrassing the situation could be for my wife. I'm certainly going to have to be very mindful of my remarks as I can be a bit insensitive.

I'll have to try and study my wife more carefully. I fear sometimes I don't really know her all that well. I can be a little self absorbed at times!

I've added that book to the list. Thank you :)

@Anonna123 thank you!

I often in conversation try to relate the topic to myself, my wife jokes that I'm my own favourite topic of conversation! I'll be mindful that the birth process is all about her. And I promise to myself that regardless of the situation I will not complain.

Did you find that you had to kick up a fuss to have your wishes heard and carried out?

Funnily enough, I can't wait to change nappies and clothes! I love having purpose and a job to do... But I guess all dad's say that before the birth, haha! Perhaps I'm overestimating my ability. :)

@LittleAlexHornesPocket thank you!

I'll remember that for my "go bag". I'm just guessing what I can bring to keep myself busy when my wife is in the zone and needs space. Is bringing a book to read considered rude?

Absolutely know her birth plan and advocate for her, but don’t be surprised if she wants to be left to get on with birth.

With our first DH spent ages fussing me only to get snapped at. With our second he sat playing games on his phone as he knew I just wanted to be left alone until DS had entered the world.

@DeedlessIndeed thank you!

If you could recommend courses for expectant dad's that would be great! I've seen Dad matters but that seems to be for people after the birth has taken places.

I'm really looking forward to being there for my wife and honestly can't wait to change nappies and clothes. Haha. Or does everyone say that until the sleep deprivation hits hard...? Haha.

@theDudesmummy thank you!

I look forward to having longer conversations with my wife about her thoughts and preferences for the birth. Ive tried talking to her already about it but I feel that, at 10 weeks, it's too early. I didn't realise there were so many options.

@AutumnClouds thank you!

I'm so sorry that you had to struggle! I really didn't expect to hear that. Did the doctors and nurses just need your wishes or was it that they didn't act on your wishes in a timely manner? I'm terms of communicating with the health professionals, what ended up working for you?

I am a people pleaser, so this will be a struggle for me. I hope that when it comes to my wife's wellbeing I'll be able to be assertive for her!

Actually the Mark Woods book ("Pregnancy, Babies & Toddlers for Men") is an updated edition which combines the two books "Pregnancy for Men" and "Babies & Toddlers for Men". So if you already have the pregnancy one, you just need the Babies & Toddlers one, if you can get hold of it!

Read Michael Odent.

From my experience as a midwife, some partners freaked out and were v scared by their other half’s reaction to childbirth and feeling completely out of control. It is hard to know what your partner’s experience will be of course but my husband said he felt a bit like a spare part as me and the midwife just got on wit it.
It can be quite intense and scary for partners so I would suggest perhaps watching some birthing videos.

Love your wife and child. You’ll know what to do.

I think you just need to accept that she's going to have a rougher run than you while the pregnancy progresses and you need to keep trying to understand her, communicate with her and accept that for the next two years or so her needs are going to have to be priority over yours and your job is to support and facilitate that obviously within reason.

Before baby comes I would recommend talking to baby, getting involved in the planning with her, attending classes with her, speaking to other dads if you can and look into any dads groups in your area for mutual support and a child friendly support network. I had a section so can't give you advice on supporting through labour as such but I'd imagine same rules apply in terms of being there, being calm, following her lead, reassurance and being steady while she does something hard and taking anything she may say to you on the chin in the moment! If you go to preparation or hypnobirthing classes with her it will help as she will start to build a picture of what she wants and how you fit into that and you will know what shes talking about. She'll make a birth plan and you familiarise yourself with it so you can advocate for her when the time comes. It's OK to feel like a spare part because you can't do it for her, you just need to be properly present and responsive to what she needs. And as someone upthread mentioned don't eat her snacks!

I think it's when baby arrives that you really need to come into your own. Your job essentially is to guard her and the baby - if anyone is intruding on her space when she doesn't want visitors, even if that's your own parents : it's now your job to hold her boundary and make them back off without blaming it on her. Even if they get offended. Even if its awkward and they're pushy about it. From here on in she and your child are your family and priority and everyone else is secondary to that. My in laws were really over bearing when I had my child (waited at the front door of our house for us getting out of hospital after we'd said no visitors for a day or two and then came every single day unannounced) and my ex couldn't say no to them and I felt incredibly let down by him but was too exhausted and emotional to be able to do anything about it. It actually really started to affect how well ds was doing with nursing and he was losing weight as a result. I felt very emotionally and physically vulnerable when I first had ds ( for me it was major surgery but i can see any woman feeling that way) and the hormones really are hectic. So knowing that your partner is really there for you, will do what he's asked to do and follow though, will take care of the awkward conversations for you is worth more than you'll ever know.

I think my ex felt really like a spare part initially as I breastfed, one day I tracked that ds nursed for over 9hrs in one day in the early weeks so breastfeeding alone can be like having a very intense full time job before you add in anything else that you need to do for a baby. So if she decides to breastfeed, support that and follow her lead on it and step up with the housework and make her food, cut it for her so she can eat while nursing, bring her water and make sure she has things to hand and take over for a bit when you get home from work to let her sleep in a block or let her do something different to break up the monotony. You might not feel like you're doing much with the baby but you're keeping every other cog turning to allow her to meet babys needs and that's massive. Bottle feeding is probably very different but mine refused those.

I did all the night waking because of nursing and obviously my ex needed to be able to perform at work, but I was so sleep deprived that i could barely hold a conversation, kept repeating myself because I'd forgotten what I'd just talked about. So it can be really hard on a relationship to feel connected during that period. So I'd say as you're more likely to be 'clear headed' to a point, it's good for you to plan days out as a family or nice evenings in together when baby sleeps with no expectations around sex or intimacy until she is ready, in order to keep that connection going. Plan now for spending money as well as all the things you need to get for when her pay drops, you don't need to be stressed about money on top of things and it's important to try and get out and have a bit of fun.

Also one thing noone really talks about but that's very common is a complete drop off in libido in women after they have a baby, it can take quite a long time to come back (not to scare you but 2 years in my case) and that's tough on everyone, so I think it's important to be prepared for that, to remember that it's normal and due to hormonal changes as well as exhaustion and if you keep that connection alive in other areas and don't pressure it, then it will come back as its not necessarily any reflection on how attractive she finds you. Being open and communication is key with this.

I think I read somewhere that after birth women have the equivalent to a wound the size of a dinner plate internally (even without going through major surgery with a c section) or without taking into account all the hormonal changes between birth and nursing and stopping nursing etc. What she will go through is a lot and women are socially expected to just get up and on with it. A section is the only major abdominal surgery I can think of where you're out in less than 24 hrs sometimes and then expected to get on with things plus look after an additional child. So remember the gravity of what she's actually recovering from because this is where in sickness and in health comes in. Just because it's not visible doesn't mean it's not there. I'd also inform yourself on post partum anxiety, post partum depression and post partum psychosis (which is terrifying but not as common thankfully) because you'll probably be one of the first people to notice if she's not in a great headspace.

It is also the best thing you'll ever do and it's great you're asking these questions.

Honestly, PP, just calm down. She’s going to be pregnant for many months before the baby comes, most of which she’ll spend thinking about work and other normal things. Birth is a tiny part of it all. Focus on being a good father.

@AwkwardPaws27 thank you!

You're the 5th or 6th person I've spoken to who has mentioned The Positive Birthing Company and Hypnobirthing. I thought it sounded really weird initially but it seems like an interesting idea!

I didn't know what a TENS machine was this morning and I'd never have thought to bring extra batteries or pads. Thanks for the heads up.

It's a good thing my wife doesn't do poos or farts. Or so she tells me. Haha!

@Cattenberg thank you!

Would you recommend any resources on the Latent Phase? What do you think you should have read up on? I didn't know there were phases until today. I thought you just went to hospital and pushed the baby out... I've got a lot to learn!

I totally get going into "the zone". That's my main coping strategy too. I think what I'll find hard is what to do with myself during those periods... Is it acceptable to read a book or play on the Nintendo?... Is that question wrong to ask?

@teaandtoastwouldbenice thank you!

Your comment prompted me to ask, and she looked at me as she said, "as far as she knows". I'm guessing if she had had a child she'd remember, right? Haha. :)

That's exactly the vibe I'm getting having read the replies here and in other threads. It's a genuine leap into the unknown. There are lots of things that could happen but also a lot of things that won't happen. I'll strap in for the ride.

@PermanentTemporary that's something I'll bear in mind. I'm going to do my best to be her advocate.

@FaerieMay thank you.

It sounds like your husband had your back. Good on him! I pray my wife will say the same thing about me when the time comes.

Suck a lovely thread and such an exciting time. My husband was a fantastic advocate for me, brought me food and snacks after the baby was born. Changed nappies from day 1 and became a 50/50 parent from the get go. I’d recommend all of that. It is so good not having to tell your partner what to do, them just knowing because they involved themselves immediately.

Second this! Of course your wife will need you in childbirth but it’s the after that you can be of most value. Make sure you’re doing your equal share of domestic work. Use your brain and your eyes, don’t wait to be told what to do.

If she’s on maternity leave, when you get home from work, you share the childcare from that point because her day job is looking after a baby alone.

Yes we had to kick up a fuss the entire time we were in the hospital. I was induced which was an extremely long process lasting 6 days before labour finally started and I was in hospital for that length of time plus four days afterwards. Much of the time we/ I was left alone. It was scary and hectic and it felt unsafe and out of control at times. I have no problem being my own advocate, very vocally if necessary. And it was necessary as it was becoming medically unsafe. Without it, they wouldn't have found me a bed or a midwife in time. Not to scare you, just to say that you will need to be assertive.

The outfit changes are the best! I'm sure you'll be a great dad if you remember that you are no longer the most important person in the room, I guess that starts with the birth 😂

For me the main support i needed was after the birth. Be prepared to do all the cooking, cleaning, running around etc while your wife recovers. He was really supportive while i was establishing breast feeding too and I never anticipated discomfort like it but he was amazing at looking after me. Im sure you'll be just the same as you obviously care to be asking the questions. Subsequent births were a lot easier and I needed him to do less but I'll never forget that support with our first.

@Horserider5678 thank you! I'll bare that in mind :)

@readingmakesmehappy thank you!

I do snore... I certainly won't inflict that on anyone. Haha!

I'm really looking forward to going to those classes and meeting other expectant parents :)

@RainbowBagels thank you!

It's almost like you know me...I'm certainly going to have to bring sufficient snacks.

@Jan24680 thank you!

That sounds genuinely harrowing. I can't imagine how embarrassing that must have been for you. 10 people... Wow.

I'm looking forward to being there with the baby. Changing nappies and wrapping he or she up :)

@Dairymilkisminging thank you!

Taking turns to eat first and bringing her stuff while breastfeeding, these are things that hadn't occurred to me until just now. Thank you for sharing your perspective :)

@ThatKhakiLeader thank you! I think nt complaining will be one of the big things I meditate on throughout the whole delivery process.

@Lennonjingles thank you! I'm so glad to hear he took on being a dad so well! I'm worried I'll be the opposite.

@CrazyCricketLady thank you for your lovely message :)

After having read these messages I feel I understand a lot more about what I need to do to prepare for the birth. I'd never forgive myself if I let my wife down.

Being calm, tactful, present but not the center and patient and have a Mary Poppins like snack bag. Seems like a tall order but I guess no one goes into these things perfect. Each of us can only do our best. I suppose my wife chose me, so I can't be reassured it's me, not superman, that she wants in the delivery room with her. :)

I've watched a few animated videos about the birthing process and wow... There's nothing in a man's life that can compare.

@Tammygirl12 thank you!

My wife and I are keen to be in the hospital for the birth. There's no circumstance where I think I'd want the birth to be at home. It's not very tidy at the best of times... And what would you do with all the fluid? I'd worry my baby would be born with toast stuck to their head...

@Rainbowlou0001 thank you!

No way... Is that a thing that was done? Wet the baby's head?

@BeenChangedForGood thank you!

When is it the right time to start talking about her birth preferences? My wife has a stressful job she really hates and she's usually overwhelmed with work... I worry asking her to sit down and write a birth plan might sound like an unnecessary piece of work coming from me.

Right, I'm going to have to do a deep dive into what Hypnobirthing is! :)

Great point about the bag. Anything that would be easy to forget or not too obvious that you found super helpful in the bag?

No complaints from me. Mission understood.

@cestlavielife thank you!

When is a good time to start talking about her birth preferences?

Don't overthink it all trying to be perfectly prepared or the best dad. Everyone just wings it with their first, honestly.

Really the only piece of advice you need is to ask your wife what she wants you to do/how she wants you to be, I'm sure she will have done her own research and prep. You're "just" there in the supporting role (but it's still really important because if she's as happy and relaxed as she can be then it will be a better experience for everyone.

Just generally support her, getting whatever she wants, drink, snacks, help from a midwife, let her moan and cry as much as she wants, tell her she's doing great when she starts to feel out of control, but if she REALLY tells you she thinks something's wrong listen to her and advocate for her, help her on and off the toilet afterwards if she needs it afterwards and is in pain. Be prepared to see your wife at her most vulnerable, her most upset and desperate, be prepared for bodily fluids etc, birth and post-birth aren't such pretty sights.

Change the first nappies potentially if she ends up incapacitated from an epidural etc (look up how to do that as no-one really teaches you, you kind of just learn it together), don't pressure her into carrying on breastfeeding if she is adamant she wants to stop. Make sure she's as comfy as possible and rests as much as possible afterward so she can recover, giving birth really takes it out of you and sleep deprivation is hell (although that won't really hit you for a few days)

Do the cooking and the housework while she recovers afterwards. Bring her whatever she needs. Try to be guided by her about what visitors she's happy to have. Make all the cups of tea for the visitors.

Be warned that you and she will be on your own for a hell of a lot of the labour. It isn't like you see on the telly with a kindly supportive midwife seemingly there most of the time. With my second I barely saw any staff, it was just me and DH till I felt the urge to push and then I had to ask him to go and find someone to help otherwise the baby was just going to come out onto the bed.

Make sure you pack enough drinks and snacks and phone chargers for the labour. I was in labour for 32 hours, it can be VERY long and often dads don't realise it so you need to come prepared!

Also be warned that postnatal care on the wards can be shit. She'll probably feel miserable if she has to stay in more than a day or two.

The baby will cry, some of them cry a LOT once they properly settle into the world. It might make you feel helpless and you might even both wonder if you've made a mistake having a baby at all, but don't take it personally, often they carry on crying even when you're doing all the right things, and it doesn't last forever, you just need to get through each day. That goes for your wife too. Most women have a good old cry through exhaustion, hormones, feeling overwhelmed. It doesn't automatically mean she'll develop postnatal depression. It's all hard on both of you so try not to get into silly arguments over stuff that doesn't matter, it's just a phase and it happens to everyone.

Remember to take lots of photos! We've got none of my second immediately after birth because it was before smart phones and my husband forgot his bloody camera!

@RosesAndHellebores thank you!

What does a monitor dipping mean? What does that look like?

One thing my wife can count on is me cooking for her. :)

@Thegoldenoriole thank you!

I've added that book to the list :)

Great tip with the maternity hydrant. I didn't even know that it existed! I'll tell my wife about it tomorrow.

@GC30 thank you!

Would you say the breathing techniques you used were crucial?

I'm really looking forward to having a cuddle with my baby :)

I do like a Chinese Takeaway!

@Cheerio123 thank you :)

@yelloworanges1 thank you!

I often forget to do things together. I've grown up only ever being able to rely on myself, my wife and I have had conversations about this and she is very much the same, and I often just do things alone because that's just how I've always done things. My worry is that I'll overwhelm my wife with my questions. I'm trying to play it by ear and ask her questions and see how she reacts.

With an IG handle like that I've got to check it out!

@FollowSpot thank you!

Great advice. My only question is, what do I do when I'm not needed? Is reading okay?

That's exactly the picture I'm getting and it's totally understandable.

I had a health emergency a few years ago and there were lots of people touching me and talking to me while we waited for the ambulance and I just kept calmly repeating that I just need to be left alone so I can deal with the pain.

Well done by the way and thanks for sharing :)

@Enrichetta thank you!

@NormaNormalPants thank you!

I totally understand why you'd want to be left alone. Is it okay to read or play a game while i wait to be called upon?