My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

[mumtobesoon]

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

An enema?

I think not.

Manual evacuation I'd say........

Assume the position!

Just noticed the "He's ex Forces and medically trained and he's male". This will make him much more likely to agree to anything that the medical team suggests without questioning it's value - even if it's against your birth plan. I would really recommend a doula.

what did that MP say the other day about Gordon Brown, 'When a control freak loses control all you're left with is a freak'?

seriously, i wouldn't want that around whilst i was in labour.

don't go there.

hope you get sorted with that doula asap.

i'd hire one in a heartbeat if i had the money, as i have to give birth on my own besides the midwife this time round.

Why alone expat? sorry if I've missed something...

expar, I really hope not [shakes head vigourously but ]

You could tell me anything, I'm certainly not a medic. I don't think he's lying though, and said ex has re-iterated the story and said she was lucky to have him there.

At my birth there will definitely be a doctor as I'm a private patient and have hired him a while ago and used him for tests and such. He's highly qualified, favours a natural approach and has a really god support team around him.

I received a call back from the doula working for him and she has kindly accepted a meeting to speak to my dh and me about our options. I will call her next week in length (poor woman) and explain. She sounds very nice.

Oh expat, why will you be on your own?

In my case, my Mum has expressed a wish to be there should I need her. (Very resolute woman who would never be pushed around, late 60's).

I am a qualified midwife, although I don't work in midwifery now (never got back to it after my son was diagnosed autistic - he needed me more). With all that I learned in my midwifery training, I decided on a home birth, in a water bath. I was 35, and by hospital standards (just my age!) I was deemed "high risk". However, my blood pressure was normal, my weight normal, my health good. I saw no good reason to be in a place of the abnormal (which is what hospital is) for a natural process.

I am going to be truthful here - it was hard work, but I would make the same decision again. I felt in control, I recovered quickly, and I was really proud of myself. As you say - actively bringing my baby into the world. I decided to use no drugs, and to walk around during labour until the time came to get in the water (this speeds up the process and is much less painful than lying down). However, the water bath was soothing and I felt protected. Two midwives were with me. My baby was born after only 11 hours labour (not bad for a first baby at 35 years old). My stupid GP had actually written to me saying I would bleed to death and my baby would die. Fortunately with my midwifery training I knew he simply did not know what he was talking about.

Other people have made the point about your partner! I would only add that C/sections are major surgery, a trauma to your body, and limit a woman's childbearing. They should not be undertaken lightly. And I should add that despite a tear because my son's arm was over his head when he was born, my sex life is great.

Your body, your choice.

Oh EHM, wow, what a strong experience. See, this is why I'd like a water birth. We don't have enough space at home and I feel safer in a hospital as it's a lovely secluded wing and the best in London should anything go wrong.

How your GP wrote that. This would really frighten me. How horrible. Good on you for having all that knowledge and being able to make an educated decision!

EHM, I have to say there's nothing more annoying than a self congratulating 'actively brought baby into the world with no pain relief' mother. You of all people (being a midwife) should know that that superiority is helpful to noone, there are no heroes in childbirth, just mothers and babies.

I hope that was a joke Posie. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling proud of yourself after childbirth. yes, it's natural. Yes, thousands of women do it daily. I say be proud of yourself every mother. It's a great acheivement for yourself. Lots of women aren't naturally 'nice' to themselves(me included), and lots of women are not given praise where praise is due(me a lot of the time). Hell! yes well done to ALL mums, we do a fantastic job from the time we get pregnant, carry that growing baby and then deliver(whichever way)...then raising our children to be decent human beings. Well done EHM. Well done everyone!

Oh and I had a small amount of gas and air and a water birth...Well done ME!!!

Mumtobesoon- reading more of your posts, you seem to be a very sensible, knowledgable woman who has a good understanding of childbirth as nature intended. You are right on several things- your body is designed to bear children, your vagina is a muscle which can be retrained after the birth and you seem pretty switched-on.

Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for your husband. Elective caesarian sections are more risky for both baby and mother than a VB. Of course, it is less predictable, and I think that is where the problem lies. He wants guarantees as to what is going to happen on the day and how you will be afterwards- that isn't possible with a VB (and also to some degree with CS). However, his ability to let go of control should not be the deciding factor in how you will give birth.

BTW- In what way is he medically trained?

I personally have seen women almost bleed to death during CS in which I have assisted, and one require and emergancy hysterectomy. I have treated women who have almost died from post-operative complications including septicaemia, pneumonia, pulmonary emboli and DVTs- all caused by CS. It is major intra-abdominal surgery after all. Also bear in mind afterwards, that it takes longer to recover froma CS than VB. It is more difficult to care for yourself and the baby for the initial couple of weeks- for a selfish man, this may be a problem.

You say that your doctor will agree to whatever you want. I would personally let him know that you are effecively being coerced into having a CS by your husband- they wouldn't touch you with a bargepole!

BTW- I had a term delivery, VB, gas and air, second degree tear repair and my flange is as good as new and husband can't notice any difference.

Took me much longer to feel in the mood again or not be sore after a section than it did after a ventouse birth with lots of stitches.
TBH your dh sounds selfish and immature. Sorry.
Nothing wrong with my fanjo after giving birth I can tell you (and so can dp).

I glad that you said that we shouldn't call your "DH" names because I would certainly have a few choice words to say about him I can tell you!

Sorry for the graphics but you did ask...

I had a tight fanny before my DS, actually it was quite painful to have sex. I have to say that my husband has a goodly sized member . He could never get it right in. I had a tear which was stitched up but the outside is not quite the same and the inside is a bit bigger than before. Sex doesn't hurt anymore which is great and DS says he can't tell there's any difference. Everyone's happy!!!

I guess your hubby's got a tiny penis and is worried about it appearing even smaller than it is already though!

Let him go off with whoever and get yourself a real man!

Sorry for rant...I've gone back and read through the whole thread. I did hypnobirthing and yoga and had a pain free birth without any drugs and any intervention. I'm so glad I had the birth that I did, it was fantastic. I felt great and seriously empowered by the whole thing.

I just wanted to say that you should do WHAT YOU WANT TO. No DH of mine would tell me how to give birth.

A water birth is fantastic, I've had one with my 1st DD and am planning a second for my next, due in July.

Echo solo, there is nothing wrong with been proud, it's all about choice and support, what is right for you.

I went into 1st delivery with NO birth plan, I had no idea what I wanted or what it would be like, I just thought I would ride the wave and see what happened! Any pain relief I needed but def no CS unless my/baby life in danger (seriously look at the risks of surgery, nothing wrong with it if needed but otherwise BIG NO). As it happened all went well, TENS (really excellent), a bit of gas and air (until it made me feel sick) and a free birthing pool. Had a small tear, no stitches, mostly cos I pushed too quickly and baby 9lb 6oz (I'm only 5ft 2) I healed well, a bit dif but not much and no dif in sex life at all.

It was so great, I did it myself, midwifes really hands off and loads of lovely skin to skin contact with beautiful DD straight away. I'm sure it helps with bonding/breastfeeding etc. I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN.

Stick to your plans and find someone who supports you to be there and most of all TRUST YOUR BODY, it was made to give birth naturally, you can do it. Good Luck.

Hello mumtobesoon, I had to have an emergency c-section, tell your DH that it wasn't fun and the scar didn't heal well and I have numbness around it. So although my fanny was still intact I could have sex for ages as my abdomen and scar hurt so much. Some of my friends that have had normal vaginal births have resumed their sex life a lot sooner than I managed and have no probs with looseness down below. Your dh sounds a little imature. Give him a book on child birth to read so he a leasts knows what he is talking about.

My first baby was back to back and with her hand cupped way up over her ear.

As a result, I had a forceps delivery.

I have had not lasting complications vaginally from her delivery and my second was delivered with no pain relief (G&A made me vomit and gave me a panic attack) with only a graze.

This time round, DH has to stay with the girls as we have no family around to stay with them and no one we know well enough to come in the middle of the night in such a case.

So I'll need to deliver with just the staff there.

Personally, I wouldn't want a CS unless it were necessary and especially not just because someone else was worried about vaginal tightness and sex lives after delivery.

For being 'medically trained', you think he'd be a bit more clued up about how the human body works!

I mean, just look at your dad after his prostate surgery, mumtobe. Of course, his surgery, like my dad's, was necessary to remove a tumour. But even so, it's abdominal surgery and, correspondingly, it's taking some time to recover.

I hope you'll be speaking to your consultant again soon.

Without your husband around.

YOU are the patient.

mumtobesoon - just seen that you and DH have a meeting with the doula and that your doctor is very sympathetic to your opinions. That's great news.

When you say he favours a natural approach, what are his stats for assisted deliveries and em-cs? Have you found out? He can say he favours a natural approach but it is meaningless unless he is very skilled in midwifery techniques - and obstetricians tend not to be, they are doctors, it is all about lessening the 'danger' they perceive for the woman, rather than helping their bodies do the job.

I would be suspicious of any obstetrician actually and would want to be very sure that I had demonstrated to him that I know my stuff and was not using his services to be borderline bullied into following his script for birth in the name of saving me from the pain or making sure the heart trace cannot be argued over in court.

I think if you want a waterbirth and are determined to do this your way, then you need to be more bolshy and make a few more decisions. It sounds like you are going with the flow a lot whilst trying to be nice to and about everyone. You stand more chance of getting what you want, under your circumstances, if you get yourself a lot better informed (because I anticipate you will have to argue with your obs at some point, so it's wise to bone up on facts) and resolve to be pleasantly bloody-minded about your wishes.

Just to say that if you can avoid a c section do so. speaking from experience it's not very nice and your DH really needs to understand the emotional and physical pressure that is put on you during this time.

How would he like it being in hopsital for 3 days not even being able to wipe his own ass or change his underwear and remind him that with c sections the pain lasts for weeks, he will have to help out a lot!!

Please stand your ground and speak up for yourself c sections shoudl be aboided at all costs as far as I am concerned but then I had no choice mine was elective due to breech presentation. If you have the choice then don't opt for it.

mumtobesoon, can I just say I have had both. Too posh to push not I, I would rather push any day of the week than EVER have another cesarean.

PosieParker, what an unpleasant viewpoint. I wish you hadn't shared that with us.

I'll second that mobileslostisitinthefreeze. cant think of why anyone would WANT to have a section, the mind boggles

Haven't had time to read all the thread but you might want to pass on two bits of my experience to your dh. I had an emergency cs with no labour due to pre-eclampsia.

Babies are far more likely to have problems breathing if born by cs, especially with no labour, especially before 39 weeks. My ds was on a ventilator for 5 days (partly due to prematurity but also the cs). This is absolutely not something any parent wants to see.

I felt very "tight" after the birth and didn't really feel comfortable having sex for about a year. As such, we didn't have much. And ds never got anywhere near there! Think it was hormonal due to breast feeding. So having a cs is not a fool-proof way to a fantastic sex life soon after birth.

You sound like you know what you want - don't let your dh sway you. Good luck and hope all goes well for you.