My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

[mumtobesoon]

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

Mumstobesoon, the only argument worth listening to is that it is your choice. Ignore the c-section/vaginal birth as that is a different debate. Like I said, and I wasn't joking, that however you have your baby you will become a mother. No unpleasant viewpoint just get bogged down with questions like 'Did you feel you missed out not pushing your baby out?' sort of crap and thought caesarean/vaginal debate should be kept off this board along with the misinformation about not being able to wipe your own arse for three days and being in pain for weeks.

Babies have a slight (almost neglible) increased risk of breathing problems if born by elective section after 39 weeks. I had sex after three weeks of my first section, 5 weeks after my second and when my daughter finally stopped crying after my third so maybe 3 or so months!!!!

Dear Posie, I know how you meant it. You weren't slating, just trying to be supportive.

I was an EM CS baby myself, my heart beats stopped through labour and they knocked my Mum out to get me alive.

CS are risky for babies, too. I have actually once visited an acquaintance who's babe had been grazed by the scalpel on the cheek.

VB can mean nerve damage (shoulder, etc) to babies and the risk coming with forceps, ventouse, etc. but I've read so much and hope all my preparations for the birth and being cared for by one of the top doctors in London will make it a good experience.

I will not review my doctor, I have chosen him in utter confidence. He's booked out by women from as early as 6 weeks. He's got a very high rate of CS because he usually handles multiple births, high-risk pregnancies and elective CS as he's private. The private docs do as the 'client' requests though mine has made it blatantly clear that he prefers VB and gives any support according to the mother's wishes. That's why I like him.

So yes, I am booked in to see him on my own and will re-discuss it all. I've got my heart set on a water birth because I've read so much and have always been an avid water rat loving the feeling of being in that element and think it will calm me and allow me to stretch better.

mumtobe it's totally your choice. But you shouldn't feel you need to defend your choice of a private OB to anyone. I have known so many friends have a variety of private obstetricians and it's a sad indictment of the NHS that, generally, when you go private, you get a more tailored service, you know your primary carer, the midwifery assistance is not overworked and overstretched. Maybe my friends have been extremely lucky but I only know one who went to a c-section (and that was after a long long labour and a lot of trying other means on the part of her OB) even though I have known about 20 babies born privately. So I just don't believe that obstetricians want to push you into a section all the time!
Please hold out for the birth you want. It is about your health and your needs - not your husband's.

Oh Annie, sorry to hear about your DH's anguish. I totally understand that viewpoint.

Well I hope you make DH come in with you, as he's clearly very involved!! Have you asked him to explain other fears? Is he worried about seeing you in labour? Seeing the baby crowning etc? I know some men feel they can't look at their woman's bits in a sexual way once they see that head? Maybe he has other fears that he's not discussing?

Annie, you're totally right. I didn't even want to write anything about my dh's wishes in my last post regarding yours, because you just cannot compare it, it's so absurd.

Dh has a very abstract view of a birth and he's struggling to cope with the fact that my juicebox might have a more valuable use than giving him some.

LOL @ 'juicebox'

try to remember that when all is said and done, this is what your body is made to do. Its quite amazing how hormones kick in, bit stretch, urges take over.

We've gotten pretty good at this birthing lark.

Mumstobesoon, How old is your DH? His views seem a little dated.

Sorry to say mumtobesoon, but if your dr is already suggesting that a small cut is the way forward then you can probably assume that he thinks that waterbirths are dangerous and would never risk doing one. A large piece of research (J Sleep 1987 can't remember the rest of the ref) changed the way most births in Britain are done. Now woman having normal deliveries never have routine episiotomies unless there is a good reason (such as previous severe trauma). Unless there is one that you have not mentioned then I fear that you and your dr are probably going to have some differences of opinion. Most obs will not do waterbirths sadly and your chance of having a natural birth is decreased with the lead professional being a dr. (normal delivery maybe, but imo normal delivery and natural birth can be two very different things.)

Poaieparker - I have just seen your response above - the thing about sections i said was not misinformation, I couldnt do anything for 3 days whilst in hospital, the night nurses on the ward were too busy to help and obviously the blood loss was incredible the only person who was able to help me was the lovely lady next to me who was 3 days on from her caeserean. I was in pain for a good few weeks it's takes a long time to get over sections and I was very healthy and fit having danced for years.

Why say it was misinformation? Some people recover very well from sections but it IS major surgery after all. I have had 2 mini strokes and the emotional and physical pain was far worse than what I suffered with the strokes.

My dh is 38 and I really have no idea how it all got into his head. The sexlife in his previous reationship had pretty much disappeared after the first child. I don't think it was down to a tight pussy but general exhaustion and her healing badly due to being butchered by a junior NHS doctor. I have seen the scar myself and it is angry, red and thick. She said she was advised not to any more kids for fear of the wound breaking open during pregnancy.

My doctor mentioned an episiotomy to DH to show him there are ways of preventing bad tears or in case the baby needs extra room. Not in a preventive measure to cut me anyways, but as an addition to a VB should I need it. He is doing water deliveries. Honestly, this is the best doctor you can get. I trust him and his team and will not have a midwife-only led birth. However, he has a doula working for him who I intend to hire for support after I received so much good advice on this thread. We'll meet her soon to have my dh brought up to speed on childbirth and the female body

Make sure that you and the doula click won't you? We are of no use to our clients if we don't get on. I'm sure that you'll be fine but do be sure that you meet her and are sure (for yourself) that you and she are the right "fit". Otherwise meet a few more. If your doctor works well with this doula there's no reason why he shouldn't with another.

hth

Things are beginning to sound more positive for you. Hope it all works out well.

I don't have time to read the entire thread but I just wanted to say that I sympathise with you. When I was pregnant I was really worried about the after effects of a vaginal birth. I was terrified I would tear/be incontinent/have a really loose fanjo and that it would affect our sex life (which is very important to DH and me). I toyed with the idea of a c-section. This was all my own thoughts, DH was never anything other than supportive. I had a vaginal birth in the end and I had no tearing, my muscles are still good (so no sign of incontinence!) and my fanjo is still in tip top condition...TMI Everything is pretty much the same. Having a baby was the thing that affected our sex life... not my fanjo! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you can have a vaginal birth and it not be the end of everything!

Ask your dr which conferences he has attended recently in relation to midwifery or childbirth (not obstetrics). That should give you a good indication of how up to date he is with modern thinking on the subject. There's quite a gulf in 'philosophy' (not a good term but ykwim) between your average medically-minded obstetrician and your average midwife. I wouldn't labour the point but for the fact that you say you want a waterbirth. That's potentially quite far out of your dr's comfort zone, hence if you want it, you might need to be prepared to fight your corner.

It's nothing to do with cs vs vb, PosieParker - I couldn't give a stuff who has a cs and who doesn't. But you were rude about people who have enjoyed their vaginal deliveries, and attitudes like the one you expressed are what keep us a population of women largely in fear of childbirth. Well done you for getting your dig in, though, eh?

I honestly think that ANY obstetrician who suggests an elective episiotomy for a first time mum is off their rocker.

Episiotomy does more nerve damage (which can cause vaginal dryness and loss of sensation) than a tear of the same magnitude and is more painful afterwards. The research shows this, which is why they've stopped routinely doing them at births.

The only reason for doing an elective episiotomy would be to expedite birth if the baby was in distress or the mother was becoming exhausted and the baby was taking forever to crown, for an instrumental birth, or if the woman's perineum was very rigid and unable to stretch - sometimes an episiotomy can prevent damage in this sort of situation.

Posie Parker - you are entitled to feel that how you had your baby is just a tiny, insignificant detail, but there are plenty of us here who were profoundly affected by the manner in which we gave birth - the memories of which will last us a lifetime, good, bad or indifferent. Please don't be so dismissive of other people's feelings and experience. I have had three vaginal births - but only once experienced what it felt like to push my baby out myself and then lift him into my arms. I'll never forget the physical and emotional sensation of that moment. Like it or not - these things do matter to some people. You can't help how you feel about it and it's very sad that you feel the need to be so dismissive.

As for discussions in which we hash out the pros and cons of vaginal and operative birth - in my view this isn't all "crap" - it's a hugely important issue for women and babies and we all benefit from open discussion of the topic. It's not fair to imply that anyone who raises concerns about c-section is in some way turning this issue into one of competetive mothering.

Mumtobesoon - I spent a lot of time last night reading through this thread, wanting to give an objective view. I thought I would feel less emotional about it today, after I had time to reflect, but I don't.

Ultimately, it is your body, your choice. I had a very traumatic first birth, which just stopped short of an emergency cs in my case. A CS was something I had never wanted, but if there was any threat to me and my baby of course I would have gone ahead.

My second (waterbirth) was an absolute dream, and I cherish the opportunity of being able to give birth in a calm relaxed environment. If it had come to it that I would have had to have an ECS, again I would have done it if it was a matter of life or death.

Two of my close friends who were pregnant at he same time as me, had to have a CS, both because of medical problems. When I was up and about (shopping!) after 3 days, they were in constant discomfort, not being able to lift their child, being able to move freely, infected scars, not being able to drive for 6 weeks. If they had had the opportunity to have a VB, I am sure they would have done that rather than go through Major surgery, with all the associated risks.

Thats not to say that a VB doesn't carry risks, but it is all about weighing them up for yourself and then making an informed decision.
The basis to have surgery shouldn't be because someone else thinks thats the better option for you, or simply because you want your birth canal to be 'honeymoon fresh' or because you have the money to pay someone to do what is not necessarily right for you.

I remember reading that your DH was your 'soulmate'. A soulmate IMHO in a partner who will be willing to support whatever decision you make, and not subject you to recriminations for your fanjo not being 'tight', your boobs heading south, your red angry stretchmarks and not having sex like rabbits for the forseeable future post-partum.

Sounds like your DH's need to read through some of the very sensible replies you have had here from some of the other ladies.

Sorry - also wanted to add in response to PosieParker's comment that the increased risk of respitory distress for babies born by elective section at 39 weeks is "slight - almost negligible' , that while it is less of a risk than at 37 weeks, at 39 weeks it's still DOUBLE the risk than for babies born to mums who planned a vaginal birth (even when you take into account those babies born after emergency c-sections during labour).

I elect MarsLady as my fantasy doula.

If I could expat I would!