What's the most memorable thing said to you while you were giving birth?

[Elasticwoman]

A midwife said to me, as I was going into transition, "This is going well, do you mind if we video you?"

My answer was emphatic, if unprintable.

This thread has cheered me up no end wonderful wonderful stories

dh, who delivered number 3 home alone,said as he caught baby 'she's fine, she's lovely!' - was a boy!

Waiting for DS to be induced, sat in hospital room on a very busy night ... DH said "Someone's having a tantrum, don't they realise this is a labour ward ..." to the sound of someone giving birth

With DD, MW suggested I use my energy for pushing and not howling, this was just after I had been convinced that her head had come out ... to realise all that pushing and agony had been for a poo

I screamed at the registrar "Get the f* off me, you're hurting, stop it. Get off"
The registrar replied (whilst standing well back from the bed); "It's not me hunny, it's your baby."
Oh yeah!

Doula "There's a lot of blood on the floor isn't there?!"
Registrar "Yes. It's quite shitty too frankly."
.

ds1; In mid-contraction m/w says "why don't you 'hop up' onto the bed and we'll take a look."

me with ds2; "I need to push"
dp; "no you don't we've only just got here" [sits down and turns on tv]
I repeat to midwife "I need to push"
m/w; "let me go and get my notes, why don't you have a shower and get changed?"
I pulled my trousers down, got on bed and 3 pushes later there he was.
me to them both "See?"

seamonster - mine all said 'hop up'too I seem to remember. If it was a joke in was in very poor taste..

"Get this fu*king catheter out of me NOW!!"

Just as DD came out "I'm NEVER doing that again!" Stuck to my words so far

Peanut05 I've just spat water on my keyboard reading your post!

10 mins before DD2 arrived, nails tearing holes in sofa cushions (I was at home), "any chance of some gas and air?" MW, "oh it's not worth it now, by the time I've got it from the car..." Me, "It. Is. Worth. It. Get. It. Now."

DS2 - 'give this lady some intravenous antibiotics, I didn't have time to scrub up'
Said by rapidly departing consultant who'd been hurridly called in from somewhere else to pull out my 9lb awkwardly positioned breech baby.
Thankfully later on DP reassured me that as the chap ran in, he was pulling on very long surgical gloves so not 'just been to the loo without time to wash his hands or anything' type of rummaging in my tummy..!

"Ah Mrs Stroodle so the epidural hasn't worked"

This was to the anaethetist who turned up a little too late - 3 time - and I swore so badly that DH had to run after him to apologise

'Children, eh, never easy'

Said by the boy racer paramedic who was blue-lighting me to hospital after my planned home water birth became 'dd actually rather stuck and not coming out the way nature intended' birth. Oh how I wish I had questioned him on his extensive experience of giving birth, where he learnt such a wonderful bedside manner and whether he would like to bend over while I kicked him. Unfortunately 24hrs of labour and contractions on top of each other meant that I just about managed a 'ldijodji idoofjiaopd iodjfa oidjdf a you idiot ldifjio iodj oai hope your willy shrivels oidfja kidj' as I chewed on the entonox.

Oh and 'you can comfort yourself with the fact that this baby could never have been born vaginally'. Ironically, is quite comforting but said to me while being stitched after an emergency cs and it was the second time I wanted to kick a healthcare professional that day. Lucky for him I'd had an epidural.

And the consultant to my friend after her waters had broken all over him and he was dressed to go to a black tie thing - "Don't worry Mrs Stroodlesfriend - it dries clear and no one will know" Yeuch!

Ok so I totally read the title wrong.....
Teach me to read the posts properly,

DP "Is it OK if I go for a quick cigarette."
Me "No it f*cking well isn't"

Student midwife "its going really well isn't it?" (whilst pulling a painfully big grin and putting her thumbs up)
Me (after 32 hours of labour) "No not really love is it?" (pulling an equally painfully big grin with a hint of sarcasm and putting my thumbs up back!)

I blame the gas and air tho!

paramedic in ambulance - if you feel the neeed to push.. please shout and we'll pull over but please try to hang on I dont want to deliver your baby in the ambulance

me - why have you not done it before

paramedic - no its not that...it just makes such a mess!

After 2.5 hours (v quick labour) - no painkillers (anaethetist didn't make it in time) NZ Midwife said 'Jeez, that's the biggest head I've EVER seen on a baby' - Thanks Luv!!!

On seeing my daughter's face for the first time "Thank God, she's got her father's nose!". Closly followed by "Hello Beautiful". I have to say in my defence, this was after 18+ hours of labour, several hours of pushing and lots and lots of good old gas and air....

Oops, read the header wrong too..... After 4 hours of REALLY MAD labour and a difficult delivery, one of the midwives said " My, he has got a big head hasn't he!" Duh! Same midwife was giving me serious stick about my choice of music. I love Massive Attack, and my son was born to "Teardrop". Beautiful and appropriate

..after 48 hrs labour, midwife grabs my face and stares into my eyes sternly shouts
'GET A GRIP NOW, GET A GRIP!'...and it worked!

Peanut...I did the same...screamed at midwife to get her hand out of my insides...she was by the window!!!

Oh happy days....

Having ds2 - Hungarian Consultant walks in and says "mishy pishby lihhdy guyumnd"

I say "pardon?"

She says "lidyyhe percgf qyvcuf"

I say "pardon?"

She says "ochytr xvderut iqadrt"

I say "ok".

It is still a mystery.

said by dh on birth of ds1 "ouch i've just bitten my lip", as ds1 is emerging

oooh there's the head. oh it's gone back in

Dh to me just after dd was born, "phew that really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be". If I had had the energy I would have slapped him.

(while in birthing pool)
MW - I'm not actually qualified to deliver babies in a pool so you might have to get out.
Me - OK I'll get out near the end.
(how reasonable am I ?)

ok this one is serious and nice - MW told me as I got to really hard bit that I would want to swear at her, would want to go home, and it was going to hurt a LOT, and I'd have to push like crazy. she was spot on and it was nice to be warned.

dd1- mw-'do you want some pethidine?'

me-'no,im fine with G+A'

mw-'well,you have to have something,your screaming is scaring all the other mums'

me-'i dont give a flying f**k about the other mums!'

then mw injected me with pethidine without my consent.after that xp got wound up and raised his fist to me,then walked out.i said to the mw 'dont let him back in here,he's going to hit me' she said 'dont be so silly,he's tired and needs some air,this is very hard for him you know'.

oooh,if i knew who she was i'd hunt her down now!!

with ds2,halfway through 2nd stage,-

me'i want to go home'

mw-'ok but i think the bus driver will charge you double fare'