Midwife didn't listen.

[obeliaboo]

Not intending to drip feed, but i dont particulary feel like reliving the entirity of my labour experience either, in established labour for 6 hours, one hour of pushing.
Midwives shift changed in the middle, as in one got me half way through, clocked off and another took over. Is this normal?
This second midwife, had me push for an hour, even with me screaming, that i could not, not for lack of trying or not wanting to, she insisted and bullied that i could and must - led to an episiotomy and ventouse delivery, which then led to an strep b infection not picked up on for 4 days despite obvious pain.

I was screaming and she just kept telling me to push. 7llb 11oz baby, 36cm head, 9 days early, spontaneous labour, gas & air.
On my back, refused epidural, never offered at any point, diamorphine as though there were no other option and it only touched the surface, episiotomy and ventouse, with a room of 7 people in the end - i didnt want any of that, ever and i was cornered into it at my most vunerable when i clearly should have had a section as i was struggling to deliver. Bar the anaesthetic for the episiotomy, i felt fucking everything.
He didnt want to come naturally, he was too big, i did not want that kind of intervention and i have really fucking suffered as a result, im just refusing to admit it aloud.

I wanted gas & air, pool, epidural - i wasnt even asked, i was just left lying there screaming, and i am not the kind of woman to scream in pain. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, i didnt have list of demands. I wasn't listened to.
Postnatally i was admitted to a bay of high dependancy section mums.

Advice?

Def sounds fairly normal to me and not a particularly big baby. Labour is hard work. It hurts a lot (people are rarely honest about this) and can take a long time. Take a deep breath, look at your baby and remind yourself it was worth it, cause I'm sure it was

You really need a debrief so everything can explained to you

Most of what I have read in your OP seems completely normal, but obviously it has traumatised you and nothing has been explained.

Thank you for the honest replies everyone.

Maybe it was a normal labour. The latent phase was a doddle, two bouts of shear pain knocked back by codiene. Ive spoken with my partner about start to finish of the 6 hour labour in brief because i get upset.

I remember we'd spoken to a midwife on induction because my last 'contraction' had been over 40 minutes and we were worried, around half 4 in the evening at this point i think, but she reassured us all was normal and suggested we go for a walk. I remember going to the loo and the moment i got off the seat, bam, contraction stronger than anything i'd had since our 2am admittance and i couldn't walk/talk/breathe for pain - partner and midwife got me on the bed, and i was 5cm, rushed off to labour ward and i remember being helped up onto a really high bed and telling partner, that i didnt want to be on a bed, i'd rather be on the floor, then given gas & air.

Apparently i was on the gas and air for an hour or so before the pain got to be too much and i asked for an epidural. Was apparently told the anaesthetist was in theatre, but they would prep me and put me on a drip. The anaesthetist never came. Instead, eventually when the gas & air simply stopped working, i was offered diamorphine, i couldn't answer and partner agreed on my behalf rather unwillingly.
I apparently then slept between contractions but each contraction had me screaming in agony.
I went from 5 to 9.5cm in 2 hours and then nothing, but the midwife insisted i push, despite feeling no urge to, and not feeling ready, i remember that. Then i remember every time i tried to push, there was just something stopping me, and i started holding my breath, not breathing properly etc partner had to remind me to. When i say stopping me, i mean, i'd push and it was like a wall, there was nothing to push so to speak.

I was TOLD my baby was following the larger than average growth pattern, which led me to believe he WAS too big by the midwife, this wasn't a 'omg its too big, i dont want to push', i physically felt that i couldn't and i had been informed the baby was far bigger.

I wasn't in melt down, i wasn't even scared in all honety, all i remember is being in the worst pain of my life and being told there was nothing that could be done about it when i asked again about the epidural. In 6 hours no one could give me a fucking epidural and i was then told it was too late when, i'd asked from the get go. Thats not okay.
Fear only kicked in when this midwife got sick of my poor pushing and put me in stirrups which made pushing even harder. I dont remember agreeing to an episiotomy but i did, and ventouse - then the room filled with HCA's and a consultant. Once they were in the room the birth happened very quickly tbh.

I personally didn't want a section, but if they were so convinced the baby was massive, and i was struggling anyway, why didn't they consider it? This midwife who was there for delivery had been on shift when i was first admitted and couldn't even place the monitors on my bump correctly, meaning i was observed for 4 hours and the readings they got were wrong, so i was placed as high risk for no reason! I was also told that two midwives or a midwife and HCA would be present at all times when in actuality it was me, partner and one midwife.

I just felt absolutely patronized and treated like a child. I wasn't expecting a walk in the park, i'm not naive in the slightest and i did start a thread about being terrified of giving birth and c-section; fear of giving birth itself flew out the window once i was actually in established labour thankfully, but the pain and being ignored, being repeatedly told 'push' and that no epidural was available in a 6 hour time frame, im not okay with that.

I have a healthy little boy who i'm incredibly grateful for, and my swelling has gone, episiotomy is healing perfect. Despite a 999 a&e visit since due to a reaction to naproxen, i am super obeliaboo, i've even had sex xD haha, somewhat gently.

But that midwife just didnt listen to me and it has honestly ruined my memory, or what little i recall, of my baby boys entrance.

Phew, thanks again.

Now I understand OP.

Ask for a debrief... I've never had one but I've spoke to friends that have and they help.

A bit of a tmi (and I'm well jeal) are your feelings the same during sex? My episiotomy and ventouse ruined my bits...It still makes me feel glum.

You don't have to answer don't worry.. I'm gearing up to ask for a repair if possible.

Really sorry OP, that does sound tough. The incorrect monitoring is not on, and I also would be seething about the pushing when you didn't feel ready. It really doesn't sound as though you were listened to, and that's not right.

I am beyond impressed you've done the deed already! Good on you

I get the not being listened to. I was never happy about the way my first delivery went. It was fast, and I pushed when I was told to even though I knew I should have stopped. I had torn muscle at the back and my labia at the front when they pulled the baby out. I have finally had the muscle tear repaired after 22years .

I did learn an awful lot about when and how to push and understood my body well, was prepared for the way the hospital worked (or didn't), so was able to give birth to my twins when they arrived megafast and the delivery room was in chaos. I think it was the only time in my life when I have had real confidence in myself. Thankfully, nothing went wrong. DH was a star. And it did not hurt nearly as much second time.

Definitely get a debrief. It will help you process it. You have done well, and congratulations on your lovely baby (and DTD - impressed!!)

I think my first labour experience was similar to yours in terms of fear (but about 4 times longer in duration and a nearly 10lb baby!!). The battle for an epidural was my worst part and, once sited, didn't work anyway! I too was wheeled to theatre for vontouse and was traumatised by the chaos, numbers of people and sense of urgency/panic.
I think a lot of midwives/doctors "play" on the inexperience of first time mums. For my second labour, I had an independent midwife (having found my first labour so upsetting)...interestingly the anaesthetist was in theatre but the IM was my advocate and kept insisting on one...the net result is I got a spinal (one shot injection) at 9cm and then the anaesthetist was able to put in the epidural. So for future reference, know that it is never too late for pain relief! However, I was still rushed to theatre for vontouse. Same story for DC3.
It can't have put me off too badly as currently pregnant with DC4...although i have opted for an ELCS!!!

I've had a letter through from the hospital with an appointment to see my consultant in may, im assuming thats a debrief? I think maybe on of the postnatal ward midwives organised it for me (i did break down to one when little one was in neo-natal for phototherapy at insane o'clock in the morning), or do i still need to organise a debrief myself?

Im amazed at how quickly and well i've healed, sorry if i was tmi haha, and again now - but i looked like id gotten into a boxing ring down there, it was just a complete mess, and now 11 days on im almost brand new. Pelvic floor needs a good toning though still.
Partner was pretty aprehensive initially but i've been like a cat in heat since baby was born, was pretty tame and my stitched hummed after for a few mins! Best get myself booked in for a coil!

I definitely was not prepared for labour, i hadn't even had my options or had pain relief discussed with me by my own midwife so, i feel a little let down all over, but overall compared to the section mums on my ward i feel incredibly lucky and got off lightly really.

That makes a lot more sense now. Can completely understand why you feel upset.
That seems really shit that you didn't get an epidural 6 hours after first asking for one and being told to push when you didn't feel ready wasn't helpful.
I had the opposite and was told I wasn't pushing when I was with dd1. I was told I wasn't in established labour and they tried to send me home in agony and then told me I was being 'silly' about the pain (far worse at 3cm with dd1 than anything in my labour with dd2). I felt upset that I wasn't trusted to listen to my own body at that point but then I got a great MW for the actual delivery (shift change worked in my favour) so I think that balanced it out. I had a very 'normal' labour but I felt annoyed that no one listened when I knew what they were telling me wasn't right. It pissed me off so much I had a home birth with second and mws were only there half an hour before the birth which was great.
I think a debrief is a good idea and I'm sorry you had a negative experience with your caregivers. X

To be honest it sounds like a normal assisted delivery to me. Did you ask for the pool? to not be laying down? for stronger pain killers? they won't perform a c section unless they have to...although it may seem the easy option for you recovery is often harder. did they explain what an episiotomy is? you seem quite hung up on it but it's not as black and white as cutting your vagina to make it bigger. you can't even see it from the outside. you do need a debrief if only to stop being so angry at the process. I had an assisted delivery
..didn't get the pool I wanted be a use I was being induced but absolutely loved my birth. it wasn't what I'd planned at all...in fact the opposite but I really did enjoy it. I think partly due to knowing what was going in I felt prepared. do get some help but do know too that your blame on the midwives I think is a little misguided x

But...that said I'm only going from what you've written in the op. the midwives could well be at fault...I don't know and neither will you unless you debrief.

sending you lots of hugs x

Going with the 'growth pattern' thing, I was told that ds would be as small, if not smaller than dd (7lbs 5oz) midwife wrote this in my notes, stating that I was being 'neurotic' about pain when ds was wiggling and worrying about birthing a large baby when evidence clearly showed otherwise. When my ds was born, the midwives on the ward couldn't believe the size of him because of the notes, 9lbs 7oz and he looked about a month old from the get go! These patterns and things aren't always right, im glad you are physically healing well, and hope your debrief gives you more answers

you do need a debrief if only to stop being so angry at the process

I agree with whoever said that. I think birth is a shock for almost everyone, more so for first timers obviously, and more so if you had an expectation that goes awry. Mine was 'alright' - unassisted etc, but I think it was good to talk about it quite a lot for the first few weeks, it helped me get it sorted in my head. The pain is like nothing else, I was truly shocked by that, and won't have any more children - screaming and demanding drugs seems reasonable to me. I think when you're in that situation, you feel that all medical staff are almost the enemy because they can't immediately help you.

They will always try to avoid a c section. They will also try to avoid an epidural as it can affect your ability to push. My first dd was 8lb 15oz. I asked for an epidural and they tried to insert one but couldn't (something about my spine being awkward, who knows). I pushed her out on gas and air alone although they were prepping the ventouse. My mw after told me that with the epidural I would almost certainly have ended up with forceps.

It could have been worse OP.

And birth is hideous. I will never believe anyone who says it was blissful and wonderful. It hurts like merry hell and is much improved when it ends! My second birth was much much worse than my first but you don't want to hear about that..

The epidural thing is such a problem for a lot of women. If a large hospital has only two anaesthetists and they're both dealing with emergencies, then you really are screwed.

With my first, I'd been fully dilated for 6 hours and we knew that she was horribly stuck and I needed surgery to get her out. There was no anaesthetist, they were in with a crash section. I waited 90 minutes for an spinal which I needed. I mean absolutely needed in order to have a baby. I was in full blown, second stage of labour and there was nothing to do but wait for them to find an anaesthetist.

Feeling so at the mercy of the birthing process is horrific. I put my problems with the labour/delivery down to complete understaffing at my local hospital.

Do chase your own debrief just to be sure that it's going to happen. Mine was absolutely smashing.

Just to echo Grantaire about the availability of the anaesthetist. In the hospital I worked there was one on call covering delivery and obstetric theatre and gynae, as well, at night. The emergencies were always a priority. I hated this aspect of the job but my hands were tied. Perhaps this was the case but not effectively communicated to you? It is not ok but this is the reality of most maternity units.

op I had a vet similar situation with my first. Insisted i had to stay on bed. Told me to push with feet up in stirrups for 3 hours, despite me having no urge to push. Episiotomy and ventouse. Only gas and air. Afterwards I felt like id been in a car crash and so angry. I know if they had let me move around and push in a different position if would have gone easier. Don't take your healing for granted (the damage really showed itself later on) don't do too much. Get yourself to Pilates. The anger and hurt will fade. And if you decide to have another you will take control and tell them how it's going to be and it'll be way easier. Enjoy your baby

Sorry to slightly go against needadvice's advice. I tried pushing in every conceivable position (was attempting a homebirth) and it made no difference and my second delivery went exactly the same way as my first. Some things are so far out of our control.

It might be okay to think well if I'd just done a or b or next time I will do c and but what that sometimes does is feeds into the illusion of control. It might be true that if you'd been more upright and mobile, things would have progressed differently. It isn't a given though and what you can end up doing is believing that somehow it is your fault or you caused something to go wrong. I firmly believe that the labour and delivery ultimately come down to luck BUT what is important is that a labouring woman is supported in her choices. So the fact that you weren't helped to get up when you wanted or needed to is where the problem lies. Sometimes there's a v good reason why they aren't able to offer certain options and this is where the debrief comes in, sometimes there are shitty reasons like understaffing. It's best though not to beat yourself up with stories of 'if only x had happened' or 'I made y mistake'. Get angry of course, you may need to but careful you don't direct that anger at yourself.

So often it's the support and people around us which lead to the gap between expectation and reality.

Sorry for your experience I know many people on here are saying it sounds normal, yes the duration/tools etc are but a lot of your experience is down to the midwife being unsupportive and not listening. It makes me so angry that there seems to be so many of them like this and completely lacking in bedside manner! We are at our most vulnerable, we need someone caring who we feel is on our side, not making us feel like a naughty school girl.