Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Really? You really compare it to having sex ttc?! I do totally get that the birth itself is not a spectator event. I mean, I'm not some kind of earth mother (the opposite, in fact) who'd welcome all and sundry to come and gawp...

But that is very different from not even telling close family that their new grandchild will be arriving soon. Not an invite to come and watch, but just to let them know. Does seem really odd to me. When would the OP's wife allow him to tell his parents - one, two, three days later? A week?

Labour felt intensely private, despite the parade of medical professionals. Telling about going into labour was very much a need-to-know thing, and they don't need to know the grandchild will be arriving soon, they already have a general idea within a few weeks. They live a two hour drive away and the mother is very unlikely to want them visiting within 2 hours of birth (it was an over an hour before they'd finished stitching me back together).

The OP can, and indeed should, ring as soon as mother and baby are safe and happy after birth with sex, name, weight and time and to tell them that he'll call back later to discuss a sensible time for them to come and meet the new arrival and congratulate the mother and him.

What's so strange about that?

The grandparents already know the due date, so they'll know that the baby will be arriving soon.

And yes, it's their grandchild, but it's primarily the child of the mother and father - OP's wife is not simply a grandchild-providing machine, she is a person in her own right and she has her own emotional and medical needs. And given that the mother is the hospital in-patient, it really is up to her when she wants to share information about her medical care. The baby is not solely hers, but the process for delivering the baby (and any accompanying pain/exhaustion/physical effects) are down to her. And the labour process isn't the OP's to share.

I often think men get a unfair deal with this sort of thing , but in your use , you say that the relationship between your wife and parents has broken down . If any of my relationships had broken down to that extent , I would not want those people around me when I had given birth , or being informed that I had gone into Labour.

You don't say how , or why , things have gotten so bad between your wife and your parents , but It will need to be resolved . I think it's very sad that you can not see things from your wife's perspective and that she had to resort to writing as letter.

My horrid in laws , and my ex husbands refusal to deal with them earned him a divorce.

Just also be prepared when you do have visitors that your wife may feel very strongly about not having baby passed around too much or taken out of the room away from her. I was like this for the first few days on a few occasions. And it wasn't a "head" decision, it was this really primitive deep-in-the-gut need to have the baby close.

oh did he "give her the baby"? yikes.

Also don't think men get an unfair deal... I have friends who have end up in hospisobrietyom hypermesis, ripped in labor right up to their arseholes, suffer seriouspain 5years after their csec from being incorrectly stitched...The men seem quite unscathed by the experience and can sneEze in public with no concerns

If I had a choice between telling me parents the day after giving birth that they were becoming grandparents and 9months of pg sobriety and labor... I can tell you what I'd choose and suspect most men would agree with me.

EEnded up in hospital from hypermesis

'gave her the baby'!!! FFYou might have a point if 'giving her the baby' involved selecting one neatly wrapped in gift paper from the shop shelves and carrying it home with no more effort involved on anyone's behalf, but, as it is, you don't.

FFS even

In agreement with nearly everyone else here YABU. For all the reasons stated. I'm really close to my Dad but he was not invited to the hospital- I think he was a bit upset. Tough shit-I was torn, stitched, breast feeding and knackered!
Maybe a nice thing to do with your parents would be to invite them to come along when you register the baby? You could invite only them and take pictures, get a copy of the certificate for them etc and generally make it a special day for them.
You HAVE to leave the birth and as much time as she needs after to your wife. Promise her this. I would need major reassurance from you that you wouldn't go behind my back on this.

OP has already agreed that he was U.

As for it being weird not to tell people you're in labour - we didn't tell anybody either and I don't think that's weird. It could take days, there could be complications - I didn't want to worry my parents if they didn't hear from us for a while, or feel that I have to update them all the time. And I didn't want PILs to call every 5 minutes asking for news. Giving birth is stressful enough, you don't need to add to that.

Hi Simba from my part I think if she wants her parents there soon after the birth she is being unfair...

In my case I did not want ANY visitors for 2 weeks at all. No families whatsoever and that was our family bonding time and I was getting to grips with bf

MIL visited after 2 weeks only...

It always amazes me that some men don't understand it. If you had a snip or your prostrate being checked, would you like your MIZl to hold your handor leg?

You have NO idea what labour is like. It can drag on for days, or be done in a few hours. It's painful (seriously, like nothing else on earth - watch some of those midwife programmes - SCREAMING with pain isn't even slightly unheard of), she will be vulnerable, scared something will go wrong, and it's no fun at all. My DH loves me and you know what he said after my son was born? He said, "No way will you convince me to let you go through that again." I did, in the end, but he's stressed out even thinking about it - because he cares, and seeing someone you love in pain is horrible. If you love your wife, do for her what you can. YOU don't have to go through it, SHE DOES.

Let her do it her way, in peace. Your parents are all excited about 'the baby'. Well, all good and well - what if that baby ends up in SCBU and your wife is going nuts with worry? What if she has a crash section and can barely move without crying with pain? Would you take your parents to visit her and hassle her after a serious operation for anything else?

Totally, totally unreasonable. My DS ended up in hospital for 3 days with jaundice - the most stressful three days ever. My MIL didn't even ask to come see the baby until we were home and WE invited HER. DH phoned her when the baby was born, and sent her a photo. That was enough. Why? Because she remembers what it's like, and she's a decent person. Then when she came, she offered to help clean the house/make lunch/whatever she could. She brought food for our fridge, and didn't judge our flat for being a bit messy! If your mother even DREAMS of imposing herself on your wife before she's ready, then your wife so has a point in not liking her - it is totally unfair.

Bronya - The OP came back quite quickly, took everything on board and admitted he was being unreasonable. I know, first time ever on AIBU....

I think if you make it clear you've backed off about the ILs and that the timing of all post-natal visits will be her choice, she'll be able to relax and may then choose to see them earlier than you might think.

If you keep up any degree of pressure or expectation she may become entrenched in a defensive position and may come to see them only as an anticipated intrusion, a problem, something to be avoided or put off.

She needs to feel in control of all post-natal visits; their timing, duration, content - whether and how long people hold the baby, where she sees people - and be absolutely sure that when she feels it's time for the visit to end, you support her in ensuring it ends.

It's lovely that your parents put so much care and effort into your upbringing. You are going to be the parents now. Your DW will be putting all that care, plus dealing with the post-natal hormones and physical and mental consequences of labour, into being a parent to your baby. Your need to start looking at yourself and others from the perspective of a patent, not a child anymore, too.

It sounds like you both actually want the same thing, only you are wanting to put a more definite time frame on it whereas she would rather keep her options open depending on how she feels. I have a great relationship with my in-laws but still didn't want anyone, even my parents, knowing when I went into labour as I would have felt pressured to keep them updated. Frustrating to do when labour can go on for days and I knew they would have been hanging by the phone worrying. So we told them when he was born and then the in-laws visited in hospital, when I really wasn't ready (DH had Ok'd it before checking with me.) I was stuck on the bed, unable to get up as I didn't want them to see the bloodstains on me and the bed, I was still learning how to feed and had to be topless to do so, so was praying he wouldn't wake up when they were there... I didn't want people visiting until I could walk better (I didn't want people to witness my painful hobbling and start thinking about my torn vagina), wasn't leaking bloody everywhere and could feed without completely exposing myself for an hour at a time. I also had the baby blues for days due to hormones so would weep uncontrollably with no warning. It's better to manage expectations and not commit to hospital visit/the day after/the week after, but rather see how it goes. This is all she is asking for and it's perfectly reasonable, you need to accept it and try to understand the reasoning behind. It's a messy and undignified time, those first few weeks and she'll be careful about who sees her in such a vulnerable position. Try not to make her feel pressured.

Sorry, I posted before reading the whole thread. Hope it's all resolved with your DP now OP. Many congratulations to you on the impending baby, and fingers crossed for a sneeze birth and a quick recovery for your DP. Also, well down for coming on here for advice, and then actually taking it on board!

Yabu. It would have been horrendous if my pil had been told when my waters broke. Ds wasn't born until
53 hours later and knowing my pil (who I love and have a great relationship with) were aware of what was happening or were waiting to see us would have added to an already stressful situation. As it was, I had to go into surgery after his birth and was in no condition for visitors - even family. I also felt it was a very private time for me and didn't want anyone other than my dh and mum (not my dh's mum, and not my dad, who I'm close to...just my mum) near me and ds. I didn't want to have to bf in front of others; I didn't want to have to tell them about the birth, and I was definitely not comfortable with my ds being taken out of the room to see anyone without me.
Yes, it is your baby too, but in the immediate period after the birth it is so important that her wishes come first, and that applies to who gets to visit her and the baby.

OP has said he WBU.

Well done OP! hopefully your wife will be happy to see your parents within a day or two of the birth... but it depends how she feels afterwards so it has to be her decision. Hope all goes well for all 3 of you

Just to add that one reason not to tell ILs when she goes into labour is simply they will worry from that point until they hear the baby is arrived safely. Which isn't good if labour lasts 2 1/2 days - my parents were bothering the hospital every six hours.
Also if she and baby end up staying a day or two, they may not be up for visitors when mum is still trying to get her own head round having to care for this creature forever while exhausted and in pain herself.

You as a new dad, new little family, will be amazed at the baby. Other people can wait. They will have years tobe ggrandparents.

Hi Simba - well done for being so understanding - I know your parents will be so excited to hear your DP has gone into labour and will be desperate to see their first grandchild - completely understandable. As someone whose father died shortly before he was able to meet his first grandchild, my first child, I completely understand yours and their viewpoint.

Could you ask your parents to be understanding and just give you 24 hours or so to see how the birth goes - chances are it will be fine (apart from all the very accurate pain and bleeding described here :)) and your wife will be eager to show the new baby off, once she'd had a few hours or a day or two to get herself together.

It sounds like there's serious problems between your wife and your parents , as you say the relationship has broken down.

It seems you've come to an agreement about the birth which is good , but unless you are proactive in resolving the problems between them , this scenario will keep occurring . Your parents will quite rightly want to visit often , they will want a relationship with baby. However. , as you say things have broken down this is going to be an on going issue.

What has happened between your wife and your parents for things to have gotten to this point ?

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable exactly because you sound like you love your wife and your parents and you want to keep everyone happy.

BUT as everyone above has said, your wife had to be your priority. And let me tell you, that when she goes into labour you will be so caught up in getting her through the contractions at home/getting her to hospital/dealing with labour that if your thought during any of those stages turned to calling your parents instead of focusing 100% on your wife it would actually be really weird.

And although you'll be desperate to call your mum, dad and the milkman to say you've eventually had a baby, you'll feel an overwhelming desire for it just to be you, her and the baby with no-one else around when you get home.

I ended up being in hospital for a week after an emergency c-section. During that time I let one friend visit because baby wasn't very well and I felt like death warmed up. I invited my parents for one night, two days after I got home. My in-laws insisted on coming for a WEEK (I still get angry thinking about it) so I made them wait a month because before that I couldn't deal with having visitors for that long.

Being pregnant feels like the most vulnerable time of your life. Your wife need to feel you are totally behind her in every aspect of the pregnancy and birth. So put her first.

Ok...here goes...might regret this....but I think its an important point to make and I really want everyones thoughts on this.

Most people do think I was being unreasonable at the start (things are now better with my wife thank god!)

But a common reaaon why people think I was is because they were relating my situation, to their own (understandable), which many of them did have some complications or horror storries.

There have been some extremely graphic accounts of complications before and after birth which then impact on the question I asked.

For clarity of reasonable Dads everywhere, I myself can completely understand the thought that no one would want anyone being around if I needed to have any kind of stitching up my bleeding arse after hospitalisation for the cause (thats about as close to a comparison aa I can think off).

And I am not nieve enough to believe there won't be any complications around my wife's labour (hope and pray for otherwise of course).

I would only ever dream of focusing all my attention on my wife until she is in the clear, patched up and recovered before thinking about introducing OUR baby to her ils.

The point I am trying to make is that when talking about childbirth in particular, people (like bad news I guess) are more happy to talk about theirs and others horror stories they know. This is my own opinion based on talking to friends, colleagues, "meet a bump" groups, antenatal classes, baby events etc...but one shared by others I have met.

To me these horror stories based on personal experiences which only helps to increaae the intensity of the delivery of the message, is actually very unhelpful to nervous, scared and excited first time parents and dads like me! Horror stories should be given context when giving advice.

We cant change human nature....but need to think about what is being said to highly impressionable people