Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Uh, they are not horror stories really. I haven't actually met anyone in real life who DIDN'T have stitches for their first birth. I'm sure these people exist, but I haven't met any. Regardless, your wife's private parts will swell incredibly from bruising (there's a reason why sitting on anything hard for a few days is not possible, and walking is painful for a while), she will be exhausted and bleeding heavily. Those bits are CERTAIN. She will also be trying to get the hang of breastfeeding. Not easy in the early days, especially trying to figure out how to do so discretely. On top of that, babies don't sleep for long, so every two hours, day and night, she'll be awake to feed that baby for 20min or so.

Imagine you went for a very long run, then someone pummelled your private parts so they were swollen to twice their usual size, and sitting and walking much hurt. Now wake up every two hours at night for half an hour at a time. Then invite someone round who will judge how tidy your home is, and everything you do at all times. How would you feel?

On top of that, you could have had complications with mum/baby...

Hi simba86

My birth was really uncomplicated (although 45 hours long). It was straight forward and everything went to plan.
We were in same situation as you. My parents round the corner and PIL 5 hr drive away. They came down 2 days after DS was born but didn't stay with us.

I think maybe your DW might be panicking a little as she reaches the end if her pregnancy. I know I acted/said some pretty unreasonable things to my DH before I gave birth.
I think you will both feels very differently when DC starts to arrive. Please just try and enjoy the experience and hopefully everything else will fall into place.
Your DW will probably feel so proud that she will want to share with your parents!

All the best!

OH right, see here is your problem. Most of what has been said to you...not horror stories just standard post baby procedure. This is why we think you are being unreasonable. And why you are being incredibly naive. Sorry if you had no idea how birth could be..but it is helpful for you take your rosy glasses off and realise what your wife is about to go through.

THe blood, the hideous blood loss everywhere that is just standard. Your body starts leaking lochia and it can take 6 weeks to stop, but the first couple days are a blood bath.

9 out of 10 women tear during child birth. Up to 70% of those women require stitches.

1 out 4 women gets a caesarian.

Did you think she was just going to sneeze and a lovely clean baby would fall out? Regardless of what you have seen in the child birth videos...that's rarely how it happens

This really has to be your wife's decision.

I am glad you have come on here to protest about it all, and get it off your chest.

Hopefully you can now settle with this,, and not cause her any further stress by pursuing the topic.

I hope everything goes well.

Haven't read the whole thread but....

I was at my in laws when I went into labour. I was in labour 22 hours. My poor hubby was getting a text every hour from his mum..."any news?" I told him to switch it off or get out.

As for her having her mum. My mum was there during some of the labour. It gave my hubby a break, meant he could leave me for food, or rest or whatever, and he know I wasn't on my own.

I had my LO at 4pm came out of theatre at 5, got into my own room at half 6 and his mother was visiting at 7....do u think that is fair??

I had pretty straightforward births, the first one was 8 hours. We didn't tell my ILs when I went into labour, but we didn't tell my parents either. But my labours tend to go from zero to sixty very quickly, so there wasn't a long, relaxed period - was concentrating on what I was doing from the start!

My ILs are lovely and I get on with them well. After the birth, I rang my parents and told them - just a quick 3 min call. DH rang his and told them, similar. They all lived a few hours drive away.

My parents set off straight away, and came into hospital to see me and baby later that day.

My ILs chose to leave it to the next day and come then. I didn't think about it at the time, but I can see with hindsight that was a thoughtful thing for them to do.

Both sets of parents kept the hospital visit pretty short. Praise, congratulations, cuddle with baby, goodbye darling. I had a good birth, no pain relief, and felt great. But was also bleeding like a stuck pig, very sore, and having to spend a lot of time trying to establish breastfeeding.

Both sets of parents came to visit at home afterwards. My parents stayed in a hotel nearby. ILs (who didn't live as far away) drove across a few days later. It worked well. I am aware now (though didn't notice then) that my MIL was being exceptionally careful not to tread on any toes. Hope I will be as thoughtful in the future (have two boys...)

As others said, I don't remember any horror stories on this thread here. Just normal births. It's really not like in the movies, when a woman says ouch and next thing she's sitting there with a baby, fresh as a daisy.

Also, I do think it is helpful to have at least some idea what it will really be like - so you don't freak out when there is pain and blood and stitches, that's normal, does not mean that something is wrong with her.

They aren't horror stories! TBH I feel very positive about all my births. But you appeared (in your first post) to have decided in advance that your wife would be "well enough" to see your parents very shortly after the birth (so much so that it was OK to have them hanging around the hospital while she was in labour) while your wife was more sensibly saying "let's see how it goes, and I'll be the one to decide how 'well' I feel, thank you".

As you don't appear to be an insensitive git, we naturally assumed that you are just under-informed on the realities of birth and the immediate post-natal period. The vast majority of what's been described here is entirely NORMAL (lochia universal, stitches very VERY common, c-section rates currently running at around 25%, most first-timers do end up with an epidural). It's not a problem in the grand scheme of things, because it's all temporary, but it does affect how ready you are to have visitors ushered in to see you in some enforced "magic moment". Yes, a couple of more unlikely complications have been mentioned, but most of what most people have said is things there's probably a greater than 50% chance of.

You've been to antenatal classes; did they not mention any of this stuff (actually, that seems quite likely; IIRC my antenatal classes included a lot on the labour and delivery and then kind of glossed over the aftermath apart from brief forays into "how to change a nappy")?

You can get lovely cuddly family snapshots right after birth which I think can hide the reality (for example after my c-section (1 out of my 3 births) we have some lovely pictures of the three of us all smiley and looking reasonably normal. Of course I was still completely numb from the waist down, had just been stitched up, would have a catheter in for another 12 hours and wouldn't be allowed out of bed for another 15 or 16 hours; I can't remember when I first managed to shower although I did get a bed bath the next morning. None of that comes across in the photo. I think it's easy for non-parents in particular to see the "reality" of the immediate post-birth experience filtered through literal snapshots that are shared with friends and family.

In contrast, after another birth I was discharged and actually home from hospital within six hours of giving birth (would have been less, but we didn't have the carseat in the car so my husband had to go home for it). The textbook easy recovery, surely? In the grand scheme of post-birth experiences I was definitely at the "well" end. Except even that time I bled through my clothes during the journey home, hadn't slept for 36 hours, had painful stitches, was coming to grips with afterpains (those aren't likely to be an issue for your wife with a first baby; they are Nature's little surprise with second and subsequent births) and of course that was the birth where I had continence problems for a week or two.

YABU.

While I was in labour MIL was texting DH asking if he wanted her to wait in the family room so he "wouldn't be on his own" Erm hello he's not on his own! I'm here too, you know the one who is giving birth

Then SIL was waiting outside the labour room as I was wheeled out sobbing and hold PFB.

Then to top it all off MIL brought her DP along to visit maybe 30 mins after I'd got onto the ward. I was sitting there with my boobs out trying to breastfeed with a man I hardly know standing at the end of the bed (looking very uncomfortable it must be said!).
She had a face on, I'm guessing because my parents had been to visit me first. I was then pressured into unlatching my baby and handing her over to MIL because she just had to hold her right that second. She actually walked into the room and said "Why is she holding the baby? Give her to me, I'll take over."

DD is 16 months now, our relationship has never recovered.

If you want the relationship between your wife and parents to get any better, then listen to get FFS.

Oh and the difference between my parents and DH's Mum? Well it's obvious. Yes my parents wanted to see the baby, but they also wanted to see ME!

Not to treat me like some invisible person.

DH called my parents when I was close to the end (not something we'd planned) and I'm so glad he did.

Horror stories? No, that's birth.
Getting your arse stitched up? Get a fucking grip. It's more than some stitches. But you will never get that.

Yabu.

Your wife and your baby are much more important now than your parents, or at least they should be.

I can remember having visitors in hospital on the second day with DC1 and just wanting them to go away. I was struggling with establishing breastfeeding (well, in reality I probably wasn't; I just had a very hungry sucky baby. But I thought it was something I was doing wrong) and had had about one hour's sleep in the last 72 hours. And these were people I loved. If someone I disliked had pitched up it could have got nasty.

You should put your wife and baby first. Not your parents. I had two easy births, particularly 2nd baby, very short easy labour and quick recovery. I still would not have wanted my in laws there. I don't get on with my MIL anyway. Put your wife first.

Good to see you've taken this all on board OP, but may I present a suggestion? If your dw is in hospital for a day or two after the birth then it may actually be preferable for her to have a very brief visit from the inlaws while she's still there rather than have them descend for hours in the first week or 2 after you all get home. From your parents' point of view a quick early greeting of the new arrival then you whisk them off somewhere for a couple of hours. How does that sound for a compromise that might suit everyone?

I suppose if you haven't been made aware of it, what's been said about after birth can sound like horror stories however having done it 3 times now and all of mine were 'good' births I'm not hearing anything too bad here.

However my relationship with my pil has been destroyed by their pushiness around the time of the birth of 2 of my children. Dc2 they came to stay for a week 2 days after he was born, they insisted we went sightseeing, dc2 was 4 days old and I was attempting to establish breastfeeding. I was using the buggy to support myself but they still wanted to 'push the pram' and show off the baby. I threw them out after I caught them trying to arrange a christening behind my back into a different faith to me.

They still hadn't learnt by dc3, soon as they were told the due date they invited themselves to stay for a week knowing I had planned a home birth. They reckoned they would wait until labour was established then pop out for a bit.

That idea resulted in my blood pressure going through the rough, an on/off labour (it was like dc3 was scared to come out) and me shouting at my fil while I rocked through a contraction on a ball because he wanted to continue his conversation.

I now hate them, their lack of respect for me and lack of consideration for me in my own home because their needs came first at a time when I needed my dh has left me resentful. Please stick to what your dw wants. The pressure of people phoning to see if you've had the baby yet while you're in labour is awful

I'm expecting my first baby in July and I feel similar to your wife even though I get on with my inlaws I don't feel close enough to be around them in a vunerable state and where baby is I will be certainly for the first few weeks. And the stories on here are exactly why... When I get home I want to sit in whatever feels comfortable and be able to relax and get used to having the baby around and all that comes with it such as breastfeeding (which I don't want to do in front of them or have to leave my own living room to do it because they are there).

I haven't been as firm about my wishes as your DW has but then I have said its a possibility that I might not want anyone to visit for a while and my DP has accepted that even though he is an only child. The one thing I have been firm about is not telling anyone when I go into labour and he will be turning his phone off if he knows whats good for him!

The more stories I read about insensitive ILs the more I realise how nice mine are! MIL gave me lots of attention when she visited - not just the baby, I felt that both PILs were genuinely happy to see me and us as a family, not just 'their grandchild'! IYSWIM. It is worth priming your parents - that goes a long way!

It didn't really bother me TBH.

I had in-laws and my family etc in after having had baby, three times over.

Furst time was a EMCS, baby in SCBU, meningitis, the while shebang. It was nice to have people around.

I think there is often a huge build-up of tension and expectation around childbirth. It's a massive change fur everyone.

If I were you, I would suggest a quick visit from your ILs at visiting hours. Most hospitals will only allow prescribed visiting hours anyway so there's no point to them hanging about the hospital.

If your dw is in hospital for a day or two after the birth then it may actually be preferable for her to have a very brief visit from the inlaws while she's still there rather than have them descend for hours in the first week or 2 after you all get home

Oh god and yy to this many times over. The real business if making yourselves into a family comes when you get home and start facing the challenges that children bring. That time in hospital is really irrelevant compared to that.

OP, you can know all those facts and be prepared and still it is a shock. They are not horror stories, that's what it looks like. But you know, since men do go through it who cares. It surely cannot be that bad Look at those hysterical overacting women, I'm sure my wife will just sneeze and presto I'm the Lion King with an heir.

None of the accounts here are horror stories. They are all totally normal post-birth happenings.

At a minimum, in a complication-free scenario, your wife will be utterly exhausted (will probably have missed at least one night's sleep). She may not have been able to eat for a while if she has had an epidural (you can't eat once you have one) and may feel physically very weak. She will have been through great pain.

On top of that, if she has given birth vaginally her nethers will be very bruised and swollen, and will probably have some degree of tearing. She won't be able to urinate or poo without pain. If she has a c-section, she will have a surgical wound and will be unable to walk and will be catheterised.

Whether she has a c-section or not, she will have LOTS of post-birth bleeding called lochia.

If she is choosing to breast feed, she may be struggling to get the baby to latch, her breasts may be sore and she may be leaking milk everywhere. To establish breastfeeding she may have to sit with her breasts out more or less all the time.

On top of that she will be feeling extremely vulnerable and out of control.

And that is all without an ACTUAL complication.

YABVVU and are also clueless to boot. Haven't you bothered to learn anything about what your wife is going to go through?

How about you get "your arse stitched up" with zero painkillers, whilst safe in the knowledge your wife's mum is outside listening to you wail, oh and when you do decide to get up and go for a wee you flood the sheets and floor with blood... And that's not a horror story, that's all perfectly par for the course

Horror Stories? Really? You think this is the bad stuff? No. It isn't.

I hope for all your sakes you don't find out what horrors can actually accompany childbirth. Even in the 21st century in the western world the process is far from 100% safe.