Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

This thread has a nice ending
Good luck with your new baby OP, you'll still get to do a lion king-style intro, just a bit later that's all

I went into labour with DD Thursday evening and she was born Friday lunchtime. I was pretty knackered having not slept since Thursday morning, so I was pleased that by the time we got to the post-natal ward visiting hours were over. The next day I was happy to have visitors who just happened to belong to my family. We planned for DHs dad and step mum to come the next day as MIL was on holiday, but the next day I asked DH to cancel them. As much as I'd felt fine the day before, that all changed during the night. DD wasn't feeding, I barely slept and I felt awful. I didn't want ANY visitors then.

Be aware that this may happen with your wife and she's not being unreasonable to be wary of how she's going to feel from one day (sometimes one hour) to the next. She needs to know you're 100% committed to being on her side. Right now you're not showing her that you are going to be there for her.

With DS I had a much easier time, quicker labour and we were discharged within a few hours of me having him. I was eager to see my DD who was with my mum and so we went to her place. I was feeling really happy and excited and so we invited my sister, her DP and my best friend over and had a little get together at mum's house. It was fantastic, but that's because it was my family, the people I loved the most, who it didn't matter that I flashed my boob at them by mistake or that my best friend even fed me pizza over DS's head while he was feeding. Had I felt that terrific, but none of them were around would I have wanted to go to MILs? No way. I get on well with her, but I don't love her, she doesn't love me and we're not bonded like I am with my mum or my other nearest and dearests. You need to understand that.

I'm also quite confused about all the emphasise on the mother's nether regions. Mine were in bits, but none of my visitors asked to inspect them

Took so long typing that I missed the update! You sound like a good'un OP. All the best with your impending parenthood!

Just read the whole thread.
Well done on listening OP & taking it all in. Also, being able to reflect on why you feel so strongly about your parents meeting the baby.

And yes, it doesn't matter if it is hours or a day it two, the first meeting is always the first meeting

And under NO circumstances have your parents to stay. No no no.
Pay for a hotel. Visits of 20 mins max & no meals.

My best visitors didn't even have a cup of tea, brought nice things for us to eat, said how lovely DD was & left when she started to cry needing feeding. And I still found those visits really draining & stressful! I don't think you will be able to get your head around that, but trust me it is so.

And if your wife & mother don't get along, don't let granny wars begin. Nip any comments in the bud. You have to be firm & put your new family first. Ie your wife.

It will take a while getting used to it & getting the balance right, but as many others have said this is your wife's time so agree to whatever she wants.

Plus you need to know as a couple how to work through problems as the sleep deprivation kicks in. Honestly I have really struggled with it, nothing can prepare you, it's really tough.

Hope you are able to call her & have have a good chat- where you agree to everything & say sorry

Ps and good luck for the birth!

I don't get this at all tbh.

It is your baby just as much as hers and I think you do have a right to say that you won't wait a week before introducing your baby to your parents.

Ok I'll admit I wouldn't particularly want in-laws around while I'm in labour but the day or two after is fine.

I'm probably one if the few voices to think that - but I've never understood the viewpoint that it's all about the mother - it seems to exist a lot on here!

Good luck with the baby, I'm sure you and your wife will work it out.

By the way (or should that be btw) the use of abbreviations had me perplexed to start with as a newbie on here but think I have just about caught up now!

Very interesting to me that I knew posting this in what I would assume to be a largely female dominated audience may be dangerous, and nice to see some comments have tried to consider my feelings rather than just about what a woman goes through which we will never truely be able understand as much as we try.

Fyi all is well now...she is back home, tucked up in bed after being reassured she is my priority.....but with a travel lodge booking when she is ready for the ils!

Aww brilliant!
Well done
Good luck

Well done OP.

I wouldnt have wanted my parents hanging about when I was in labour and I most definately would not have wanted his - im not much of an earth mother and felt it was something private that I did not want to share with other people.

I hope when she is in labour you will be giving your attention to what she needs and not what your parents want. I too am married to a precious only child too, please learn sooner than he has that putting "mothers" wants above your wife's will affect how she eventually feels about you as she will see you as a "son" rather than a man she married...that is not healthy.

You will never get this first time with your first baby again, its both the most wonderful and terrifying time in the world - your wife may be a bit crazy and a bit unreasonable so I would play it by ear with regard to when she is ready to see other people.

Perhaps if she is in hospital your parents could pop in during visiting time so it is not too full on for her?

I don't understand why relatives are so desperate to see the baby that they fail to stop and think that actually the New mother may not be ready for or want visitors, especially if she is still in hospital and in those first few days when milk is coming in, you are trying to establish bfeeding, and may be very sore.

As a woman myself I hope I will remember how vulnerable you can feel and I will wait till future dils are ready for visitors, the same goes for my own daughter.

I would never expect to visit within hours of birth, and if invited I would double check to make sure it was ok. I really wouldn't want to intrude or make her feel uncomfortable.

Play it by ear . Really hard to predict how soon she will feel ready for visitors.

After DD1's birth I was in a complete state and could barely function for weeks.

With DD2 I felt pretty good. I can remember sitting with DP in hospital watching Broadchurch on the iPad thinking 'well that wasn't too bad'.

i think the emphasis on the mum's nether regions is because its such a shock to have them so rudely (biblical sense) treated that it completely up-ends the mum's understanding of herself as a person.

added to which, she's a new person, the mum of a real baby, and that's not the same as being pregnant or being a wife.

and she might well be too sore to sit comfortably. so its all about her nethers, really.

I'm saving this thread in case I need to show it to my DP - whose attitude, I fear, may be a little like yours was at first, OP. I feel very much like your wife does about the prospect of the in-laws visiting. I think you've done brilliantly to take the advice of complete strangers on board and change the way you think to put your wife first in this matter - well done; I know it's not easy to put your own wants to the back. Hopefully the two of you will be much happier and more confident when she goes into labour now . Wishing you all the best.

OP I feel for you, I really do. As the dad, you should have as much right to your parents being involved/visiting as hers, but in reality, it is all about the mother.

I am also pg with DC1 and here's my two cents worth:
I would tell my parents when i was in labour but not my ILs. Why? Not only because mine are 15hrs away and his are local and likely to camp out at the hospital, but because I would feel supported with my parents knowing, whereas well-meaning ILs are likely to call every 5mins wanting news. Unnecessary stress for both of you!
I would let my parents visit soon after the birth but not my ILs. Why? Because I can be 100% me around my parents, not feel judged, not have to make silly conversation, and not feel guilty for asking them to leave. It's just not the same relationship a person has with their ILs, even when there hasnt been a rift like with your wife. The thought of breast feeding in front of my ILs is already making me feel very uncomfortable!

I reckon tell your parents that you'll need some time to settle in at home and get feeding established, then play it by ear at your wife's wishes. And make sure your parents know the first visit, whenever that may be, will be a short one!

YABU??

Just got it don't worry

Simba, can I just say what happened with my first baby? DH phoned in laws to say I was in labour, but told them not to come to the hospital. They came anyway. After a horrendous labour, he took DD into the corridor for them to see her. They followed him back in, and I had my legs in stirrups and was being stitched up. I screamed, "Get them out of here" and he made them leave the room. Please do not let anything like this happen to your wife. Afterwards FIL had the nerve to say to me, "It was a really long day for us".

Im sorry but she is being very unreasonable and a bitch! I know she is hormonal n what not but its not all about what she wants....your the one who gave her this baby and so should come to some comprimise! And just becuase she doesnt get on well with them, its not her choice to decide. She is black mailing you with emotions by behaving this way rarther than talking to you like and adult and its not fair. Poor you i send you hugs. Try talking to her and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable shes supposed to be your wife! But try to come across as understanding as by the sounds of it the first sign of u being nasty is going to send her into a flip again! I would never be this cruel to my hubby as it would hurt me saying thimgs like that. Hope you get things sorted x

Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit weird not to tell PIL when they're about to become grandparents?

Fair enough if your wife doesn't want visitors crowding her when the baby is born (congrats, btw), and yes you do need to respect her wishes about them not camping out in the hospital etc, but I don't think YABU in wanting to tell your parents that she's in labour. I'd think that would be pretty hurtful to them, actually.

But I think I'm a lone voice here...

It's time for your family, ie wife And child to come first, would you want surgery on your bits then be up for your wife's family all decamping by your bedside? ... No, didn't think so, they will see baby soon enough

Boogles "your the one who gave her this baby"

FFS seriously?!

bialystock I didn't want to tell anyone when I went into labour. Its a very primitive and private thing to me, and a lot of other women.

To me it feels like saying "is it a bit weird not to tell PIL when you're going to have sex to TTC?"

I think it is unreasonable to drive off in a strop and threaten to cut the father out of the whole process, just because he wants to share this experience with his parents ( who have loved and cared for him all his life). Fair enough to want space to give birth without people hovering, but she needs to consider that this baby is not solely hers.