Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

I get on very well with my mil but she acted like a spoilt brat upon not being told immediately that our baby had been born. You just don't know how people will react or behave until the baby arrives, and I think your wife is probably stressed out of her head generally so that this has become a major point of aggro for her. It's best to do whatever she wants, agree to anything, until the baby is here, where she might become more reasonable.

I am due my second in 4 weeks. Booked in for a section. I have said that I don't want either parents visiting for 2 weeks after the birth because
A - they both live 2 hrs away and staying guests when you've just had a baby is too stressful to even think about
B - DS needs to bond with brother.

FIL has said "well I hope you don't have friends visit"

Had to put him in his place that friends will be in and out in an hour and will not be staying! Oh and not to tell me who I can and cannot invite to my home.

First time round,MIL jumped on a train and came to hospital. I was struggling to get DS to latch on and was exhausted. FIL turned up next day.
Please respect her wishes. Such a precious time for you both. You don't need added stress. Let them come when the time is right. Trust me, you will both be EXHAUSTED

YANBU to want to share a moment with the new baby and your parents. I think it would be really unfair of her to expect them to wait a whole week to see the baby if her own mother got to see it right away! I'm surprised at all the YABUs I must admit. Surely you are all grown adults and can come to a compromise? Obviously they don't need to know or be around during labour but after that I'm sure you could agree on something. I don't understand how it's acceptable for her to dictate when and how you communicate with your own parents - and honestly the letter and storming off threatening divorce are really childish.

she and the baby are not a tourist attraction.
what is going to happen is that your wife's body will be wrenched apart and another human being will appear from within it.
her private anatomy, which she has cherished in secret for decades, will be displayed to all and sundry and she will experience pain such as she has never known before.
it isn't about you. it isn't about your mum and dad. its about her and the baby.
your role is to protect them and support them. and that includes warding off any visitors she doesn't want to see, including your parents.

Rarely have I ever seen such a unanimous AIBU.

Oh an one thing that stressed me out before the birth was a friend of DH's wanted to come and stay for the week on my due date because he was participating in a sporting event that is held near us. DH said when he mentioned it was my due date the friend responded 'Oh first babies are always late anyway'. And DH said yes to him. I freaked right out, and stressed and agonised. Then I finally said to DH 'Please, please,no no no'. And DH said immediately 'Of course you are right. What was I thinking?' in a kind of baffled way. I went from stressed and feeling under siege (like you DW right now I expect) to thinking 'thank God i have a DH who despite a momentary blip 'gets' it'.

It was a very valuable moment for me to realise that yes, if I expressed what I need, then DH had my back. Your wife needs to feel that way about you too.

You are being really really really unfair on your wife.

I just had my third baby last week. So I'm a pro..not a nervous first timer, here was my experience.

Most horrific pain I have ever known, vulminating in an over 10 pound baby. NO pain relief during my first two labors...begging for an epidural for this one. I told dh I thought I was going to die on several occasions.

ON the walk to the toilet immediately after the birth I covered the floors in blood. Do you know you deal with the blood you lose after the labor? Midwives give you a couple pads to hold between your legs as you penguin walk around the room. My bedding was covered in blood. I was dealing with the after pains which are frankly as bad as labor for about 2 days. Crying moaning through them.

I had umpteen midwives and doctors come through to ask me how my vag was feeling. If I had opened my bowels. If I could wee. How were my stitches if I had any. I had several HCP grab hold of my boobs to check ds was latching properly

The next morning when I stood up to go to the toilet a blood clot the size fist fell out of me.

and during all that.... do you know what I wasn't thinking? Oh I really wish my inlaws could be in the room too.

I am with your wife here - but it is good for you both this issue has arisen now so you can sort it before the birth.

We (I?) decided not to tell anyone I was in labour. In the event my mum, sister and a friend guessed as I stopped exchanging texts but no-one hassled us in hospital. We arrived at 7am with the midwives saying I'd give birth and be home quickly, but DD didn't arrive until after 7pm and that was in theatre with forceps. No way would I have wanted anyone hanging around outside during that time waiting to meet their grandchild. Instead DH got to make phone calls around 10pm (by the time I'd been stitched up and we'd been transferred to ward) saying "you've got a grand-daughter", stood bedside whilst I fed, and surely that's a much better conversation than "err yes well she's in labour but we don't know when we'll have more news".

However we then had all manner of stress sorting out visits from both sets of parents- or PILs to be precise. DD was born on a Monday and with all parents still at work first opportunity for visits was the following weekend. My parents got in first and it was only when my mum walked up our drive that I realised quite how much I needed to see her. There are times (so long as the relationship is good) when a girl needs her mum, and for me this was absolutely one of those. I cried with delight and relief in her arms. PILs wanted to visit that weekend too but having had quite a time of it, being in pain from stitches, sleep deprived and trying to establish breast feeding in a heat wave, I didn't want 2 lots of visitors the same weekend - even though we had also said they had to stay at a nearby hotel, no way was I running a b&b. DH backed me all the way BUT MIL got herself in a right tiz about it all worrying over when she would be able to come and her crying down the phone about it was not what either of us needed at that time. In the event they came the following weekend when I was still sitting on a cushion but moving much much better than 10 days previously. DD and I had got the hang of feeding by then too.

So learn from our experience, support your wife, and tell your parents now that you will let them know as soon as you are ready for visitors, but at this time cannot tell how soon after the birth that will be. Your priority needs to be your DW and DC and it's impossible to know now how they will be feeling in the aftermath of birth. If your parents can try and plan some flexibility in their lives at the relevant time it might help - eg if working, being able to take a day off at short notice rather than being limited to weekends. If PILs had thought about this in advance they could have done.

Please also bear in mind that it is normal to have a massive hormone crash 2-3 days after giving birth leaving a new mum feeling weepy emotional and at times distressed.
I was in the middle of allthis plus trying to breast feed when a very close relative insisted on visiting . She fired hundreds of questions at me then demanded to know why she handed been allowed to see the baby sooner. In the end DH stepped in thankfully and asked her to go.
This is such an emotional tome for all concerned but your wife needs must come first.

nobody was told when I went into labour.

First child when we phoned people in the morning mil was up straight away. I, a nervous first time mum just sat quietly, hating it because all I wanted to do was stay in bed with my boobs out.

Child 2 was born 2 days before Christmas. I was ill, I was leaving trails of blood behind me, I wad passing clots the size of my fist. I was hospitalised on boxing day. In laws coming to hospital then hanging around the house when I was allowed home was hideous. I was so ill, so tired and I just needed to be in bed with my baby not desperately trying to get my sleepy, reluctant to feed rather jaundiced baby back from mil do I could try to feed her.

Child 3 we told all relatives that we would inform them when I felt ready for visitors. It meant that I got them on my terms and was so much better. They didn't really have to wait long, it just felt better being able to tell them when I was ready rather than have them on the phone telling me when they were coming.

wanting to wait until you feel ready for visitors isn't about excluding people, it is about not having any pressure.

Please call your wife, tell her you are sorry you made her feel so bad and that she can't rely on you. And that you love her and maybe thank her for putting her body through hell for 9 months so that you both could have a child together.

And if you can't do that for her, I want you to spend the next couple of hours imaging yourself in the worst pain imaginable and bleeding out of your penis and hormonal and exhausted...and then tell me how much you would love you mil around to enjoy it with you.

Damn autocorrect!

I've not read all of the posts, hope I'm not repeating.

You seem to understand about the labour but are objecting to your family not being able to see the baby immediately (or soon after).

In the first few days post birth, whilst the baby is physically 'out' so the mother and baby are seperate, your wife will not want to be parted from your child, but your wife's physical condition may not be great for visitors. In the immediate aftermath, I had a catheter, blood everywhere, trying to establish breastfeeding - it was not a pretty sight. Luckily I have no shame so I wasn't particularly fussed about the bag of piss next to the bed but many women would be.

Wild horses would not have parted me from my baby for a second. If anyone had tried to take her away for a short visit - even 20 minutes - I would have gone feral.

Also just to say that I regret telling my parents and inlaws that I was in labour. They all worried 2 days later when there was no news. My inlaws actually phoned the labour ward and I had a message relayed to me at a really, really critical point in the labour. It was not helpful. At all.

^ I agree with VeggySausage 100%!

Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate your honesty and it has certainly made me think.

Her driving off is not unusual behaviour, and I totally understand that she has to be my priority before, during and after the birth, and she always will be.

A comment that has struck a cord with me is "whenever you introduce your parents to your baby, it will be a special moment". That is the reality of the situation and whilst I would love that to be as soon as possible, and I would never dream of that being when I had hoped god forbid if anything went even slightly wrong with labour, it will be when the time is right for both of us.

I am so excited about becoming a dad I have perhaps let my excitement get the better of me. I am fairly close to my parents being an only child, and its no exageration to say my parents cared for me around the clock for many years wheb I was younger. I often believed thia special moment may never come so it is makes that moment we can show my parents our baby and their first grandchild even more special for me than perhaps my wife truely understands.

I guess its the classic mix of emotions for all dads whp watch often so helplessly at the most treasured person in their life in so much pain followed by immediate joy and pride never quite felt to that extent before.

Think I will have to calm my lion king style moment of presenting our baby to the world for now then... ;)

The thing is, it's not as if she just buds off the baby and then wafts around in a spirit of floaty maternal feelings.

First she is going to be pushing out your baby (or, bear in mind, runs about a 25% chance of needing a c-section and hence having major abdominal surgery). This tends to hurt a bit. If she's had a c-section or an epidural (and most first-timers do have one or the other) she may well have been catheterised, and she'll be reliant on midwives to come and change her pads. It could easily be a day or so before she even manages to shower.

Babies tend to come at night so there's a very high chance that she'll miss one night of sleep entirely; there's a pretty good chance that she'll miss two. And then she'll be handed a small person who is going to wake her up every two hours or so for (optimistically) the next few weeks. You may think you are prepared for sleep deprivation, but the reality is so much worse.

She will be bleeding, heavily, for weeks after the birth. If she has a graze or tear and stitches those will hurt. It will hurt to pee. The thought of pooing will be faintly terrifying. She may be temporarily incontinent (although will probably spring back).

If she's breastfeeding it will be relentless, and she and the baby will both have to figure out how to do it. She may well have cracked nipples, will probably get uncomfortably engorged, and may get blocked ducts or thrush.

She's going to have huge hormonal swings. By day 3 she will likely burst into tears if someone looks at her funnily.

And into the middle of all this you want to introduce someone she really doesn't like. Indeed, you seem to think it would be unreasonable for her even to wait for "many hours" before your mother bustles in.

Does your imaginary cosy "moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born" feature a woman who's feeling vulnerable, bleeding heavily, hasn't slept for days, and who is possibly unable to move her legs and reliant on a catheter to empty her bladder?

You and your wife both seem to agree, in fact, that your parents should visit when your wife is "well enough". But your wife, not unreasonably, thinks that she needs to be the one to decide whether she is well enough. And she seems to be the only one of the two of you who is aware that you can't judge now, with over two months to go and no idea of how the birth is going to progress, when "well enough" is going to be.

Good stuff. OP. Call your wife and tell her you have a cup of hot chocolate waiting for her and to please come home. Tell her what you have told us. :)

Did an op just admit to being unreasonable?

good for you simba waits for AIBU to implode on itself

I'm glad it has been helpful OP.

One other thing I would say is that your parents live very close. It is not unreasonable (barring serious health problems) to expect them to do a round trip in a day. If they can't, spring for a Travelodge. Your wife is likely to feel ready for a visit far sooner if that visit is for a couple of hours than if she is having to cope with people in the house overnight, for meals, etc. My in laws have a very, very long journey (as in, flights involved) and they came when DD1 was about a week old, but they stayed in a hotel so that they maximised our personal space.

By George I think he's got it

Good advice Penguins. A couple of hours is much easier to get your head around.

Glad to hear your thoughts Simba86.

On another occasion, and when the whole labour thing is not under discussion, it would seem reasonable to ask your wife why she thinks driving off is a good response to any marital crisis not that I tend to go for a big flouncy walk myself, oh no

Well done OP. It's lovely that you are so proud and excited and the moment will definitely be special whenever it comes. Good luck to you and your wife.

Simba the first thing you need to understand is that this isn't about you. It;s about the baby and about your wife- after all, she is the patient here. She isn't an incubator.

Yes, your wife is about to give birth to the baby you share. But it's her labour, her body that will be leaking blood, clots, milk, possibly urine all over the place. Her sore genitals, her piles, her sore nipples, her exhaustion. Can you not allow the woman you love a bit of dignity and time to recover before you insist on your parents' spectator rights?

I know I am a voice crying in the wilderness, but I still don't think you're being unreasonable! I can't imagine threatening my husband with divorce because he wants to share a moment of joy with the parents he loves and who love him...just seems so selfish to me. And I had one of those three day crappy no-sleep, mad on drugs, induction, epistiotemy, forceps, fookin giant baby labours. To be fair my DH could have brought his 5-a-side football team onto the ward and I wouldn't have really registered (yes the gas and air is that good :) )