Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

Nunquamnonparatus. Would you use the same line on a female victim of domestic abuse?

Simba, if you don't want to go to the police (which you should if possible) then go to your GP again and tell them the full story.

Anyone who wants to accuse me of drip feeding should ask themselves what sort of person would you have considered me to be if I felt it suitable as a new member, on a new website, to reveal such information in the first post...

To be honest I am really struggling to know what to believe in this whole thread and gender makes no difference to the way the OP has posted.

But yes, gender is immaterial to the fact that there has been drip feeding and the thread will close soon.

I think the whole relationship (assuming all posts are factual) is flawed and quite destructive, and both partners need some professional advice.

Having read the whole thread, I am not sure that Simba will listen to posts he doesn't agree with, so I don't see much point in me posting anything more detailed. I had plenty to say on my hospital experience, my thoughts on the OP, etc. However it is all moot now with this new issue which has been raised 900 posts later.

My terribly cynical side wonders if the mention of DV has been thrown into the mix to garner sympathy as the thread was not going Simbas way. To say "oh of course call your parents, you need their support, your wife is an abuser". It all seems contrived to me.

Simba I think it is important that a decent back story is given when you have such strong feelings on your wife's so called unreasonableness. You have replied many times in this thread and didn't see her abuse as relevant?

No one is saying out yourself or post a full history, but when your wife is threatening divorce, driving away while heavily pregnant and banning you from the birth, it might be classed as relevant information that your relationship has other issues. That way posters can give an informed response which may help you more.

You were asked countless times about her relationship with your parents, her driving, and it took a long time to get information from you. That is drip feeding.

I dont want to destroy our lives...but dont want to but the baby at risk. This is where I am struggling to know what to do with her unreasonable behaviour. Surely I have to give her a chance to show to everyone she can control her emotions and not let her behaviour impact on the baby. Not giving her this chance surely after all this time would be unreasonable... and going to the police or doctors at this time in her pregnancy, surely would cause her more stress and thats the last thing I want for both mother and baby

Plenty of oeople come on Mn with a first post about DV - there are some very wise posters here - and they are always taken seriously.

Nunquamnonparatus so now you think simba might be lying ? Again, I would ask if that's the type of thing you would say to a female victim of domestic abuse.

Simba do you want this thread filled up? If you want we can fill it up with blank posts. You could also hide the thread. I can't see you will get anything more out of it. I think the recurring theme of the more helpful posts is that you should seek real life support or counselling.

I hope everything works out one way or another.

These are all events I dont talk about, wish to remove from my memory and certainly dont want to focus on as they are all in the past. Maybe I should have revealed more information sooner to give people a firmer base to make judgements on, but I hoped I wouldnt have to make such comments. Thats comes from a desire to protect my wife and myself as I dont want to talk badly of her, and as I have suggested a few times I am far from perfect too., These are just normal human instinct to me...but certainly not done with the intention to mislead

I think your lives are already 'destroyed' considering how you are apparently living, based on your posts. What remains to be seen is if they can be 'rebuilt' into something healthy, either together or apart.

And stop calling her behaviour 'unreasonable'. If what you are saying is true, her behaviour is 'abusive'. Call it by its right name. Unreasonable was you insisting on your parents being notified of things over your wife's objections. Abusive is her throwing an iron at you.

Again, counseling, mental health assistance, and medical assistance are what are needed here for both of you. If you fail to do this, you are failing yourself, your wife, and most importantly, your child.

I must admit though, Simba, that my veracity radar does seem to be pinging a bit here. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, at least for now.

Simba Why don't you contact the following organisation?

HERE are details of a Men's Advice Line: For male victims of domestic abuse. The phone number is 0808 802 4040

I've cut and pasted

Men's Advice Line: confidential helpline for men experiencing domestic violence from a partner or ex-partner (or from other family members). We help by: giving you time to tell your story; offering emotional support; providing practical advice; signposting you to other services for specialist help. Are you being abused?

If you actually want advice on here, the place to post is relationships. Be prepared to be far more open, about your situation and to others' ideas, than you've been here and beware, you'll get some excellent advice but it will be even more direct and forthright.

You do need to address your situation in real life. Alongside other approaches, your wife will have access to the community mental health team, who are very responsive in the late post-natal and early pre-natal stages. She can access them via her midwife. It would be worth her discussing her feelings of stress and the way she reacts to them, with them.

Divorce within 6 months.

'If all of the above is genuine, then you need to go to the police . She needs to be prosecuted for dangerous driving and for assault, and social services need to step in to protect the baby.'

Do not get couples counselling.
It is not for couples where violence is part of the situation. It is not for couples where abuse is part of the equation. You have described abuse on both your parts here on this thread.

And forget about your friends as sources of meaningful help. They are not qualified to give you the help you need here, no matter how nice it may feel to unload on them or get feedback from them. Get real. Get professional help. Tell the truth or it will be useless.

The two of you are not a match made in heaven, to put it mildly. That much was glaringly obvious from your first post onwards, and it continued to shone out all through your bleating about fathers' rights, etc.

It is possible for two people to be equally obnoxious to each other in a relationship, each in their own way. I predict a rough divorce and very little peaceful co parenting afterwards but you need to get your act together for the sake of the baby and do what is necessary.

Go to therapy for yourself, and figure out why you have no boundaries whatsoever, and learn how to put some in place. Again, boundaries are about how you let others treat you but also about how you treat others.

No matter what the truth of all of this is, you have no boundaries and that fact jumps out from all of your posts.

You do not know how to distinguish between positive and negative attention.

You need to explore honestly and openly in therapy how your mother did a number on you.

Other way round on the pre and posts there.

Math - I mentioned couples counselling - but you are right, and I was wrong to do so.

I'll say it again- the actions described by you are the actions of a violent criminal. If what you say is true, then the answer is no, you don't give a violent abuser 'a chance' around babies- you go to the police about them, so that social services can ensure that the baby is not at risk in a violent household.

If your suggestions that you are 'far from perfect' indicate that you too are engaged in violence - whether tit-for-tat- or self-defence- then it is even more urgent that police and SS are involved.

I can sympathise with anyone feeling reeled in on this thread. It's hard to understand why anybody already vulnerable due to their own medical issues would spend a week arguing with people about their fatherly rights over phone calls, the views of NCT dads, and house renovations , when they are suffering serious physical abuse at the hands of their spouse.

I don't think Simba is lying. I think the narrative of his posts is questionable and the drip feed of information doesn't help.

I also think that DV (while an enormous problem, I do not want to minimise that) is not the only issue in this couples relationship.

Based on the posts I've read, I'm hesitant to start condemning any individual party. It reads to me as though there is abuse on both sides, one physical and one emotional. Neither can be condoned.

Gender does not matter here. Who throws an iron at who, who tries to control who (in terms of gender) doesn't matter. The point is it's happening. Simba has been given good advice, I suspect he will for the most part ignore it.

Simba is the DV in the past? Been talked about, counselled, moved on from and not repeated? Or is it a recent thing likely to recur?

How can people say your family are not her family. Like it or not when couples get together you do unite two families together. They're not strangers and they're not visitors as much as we would like to pretend they are.

there is however no reason for your parents or hers to be at the birth or even in waiting room unless she asked for them to be there. I only wanted my husband there no one else asked but it would haven been a resounding no.

After birth mother is usually home in less than a week unless there were complications so that is a good time for your parents and hers to see the new baby.

I was happy for my mother in law to see my babies the day after birth in hospital. But your wife clearly has issues with your mother so you need to accept that.

I think you need to try and mediate some months on from birth of child otherwise there will always be conflicts in your relationship. I couldn't live with my parter hating my parents, I'd see it as being totally disrespectful to the people who raised me. Don't have to be best of mates but amicable, let bygones be bygones?

I've read more pieces of this thread forget labour problems the abuse is more pressing.

You don't give violent abusers a chance with a baby because they are so very fragile. Please speak to your parents,gp and/or the police and get some support.

Forget about the birth and grandparents' rights, you have a much more important battle going on.

And please consider counselling to help you work out why you went into this relationship before you start dating again.

Simba, the incidents you describe above are not 'in the past' to be removed from memory. If what you said above is accurate, she reversed into you as recently as last week, and the dangerous driving was only a month ago.

I think you have an overly romantic view of this whole affair. Stormy, tempestuous relationships punctuated by glorious emotional moments are best left to the movies.

I think you said, though, that both of you have had or are having counselling separately? Yours to address 'how to cope' with your wife's dangerous behaviour, and hers to address her own lack of control and suicidal thoughts?

Honestly, I hope someone works miracles for one or both of you. Best of luck.

It's hard to understand why anybody already vulnerable due to their own medical issues would spend a week arguing with people about their fatherly rights over phone calls, the views of NCT dads, and house renovations , when they are suffering serious physical abuse.

Could be it's a welcome distraction from the truly appalling, important, underlying situation.

I haven't managed to read everything so sorry if I'm repeating.

YABU for trying to push your DW. You have freely admitted that the relationship between her and your parents isn't good and so why not look to address that rather than inflicting an uncomfortable situation when your wife will be most vulnerable.

Have you spoken to your parents about this? Do they appreciate and understand the relationship with their DIL? Do they want to fix it? Why not encourage them to play the "long game" and fix the relationship so they see more of their grandchild long term rather than forcing 30min when it's newborn and sacrificing the future?

Buckteeth - would you be saying that if the OP were a woman opening up about domestic or sexual abuse? Or do you think that 'We believe you' should apply to all victims?