Am I being unreasonable? Dad to be...please help

[simba86]

My wife and I, married for 3 years, together for 10, in our late 20s are expecting our first child at the end of May.

My wife has never really got on with my parents, particularly my mum, and whilst they live 2 hours away we see them ever couple of months.

I am obviously very excited about becoming a dad. I love my wife more than anyone in the world and so much looking forward to having our own family. I am also looking forward to being a proud dad and introducing our baby to my parents shortly after the birth, when everything has calmed down and my wife is well enough to see not visitors, but our immediate family.

However because of the break down in the relationship between my wife and my parents, my wife does not want me to let them know if she goes into labour, so that they are not hanging around the hospital or nearby, nor does she want them to visit after the birth until she is ready, which she has indicated could be many hours after the birth, or when we go home, or even a week or so after the birth. She is so stressed out about this she has driven off tonight after writing me a letter saying she doesnt want me at the birth, nor does she want me to be her husband.

I can assure you I have been as supportive of her and her family over the past 10 years more than most people could ever imagine, and as someone who has a rare medical condition with no known cure and an uncertain future, an only child, I don't want to miss out on a special moment for me.

I dont want my parents hanging around or interfering and have made that clear to my wife, I just want to share a moment with my parents, my wife and our baby shortly after they are born when my wife ia well enough.

Surely this isn't me being unreasonable....or is it?

Please share your opinion on this

I wouldn't want anyone other than my husband at the hospital. We aren't going to see any visitors for at least a week after getting home.

YABU - there is no need to let people know she is on labour. I didn't even let my mum and sister know! It's a personal thing and I didn't want people to worry if there was no contact for hours etc.
I also didn't want visitors at the hospital. This was a wish that was ignored by my DH and resulted in the in laws all trooping in with ridiculous amounts of presents, all wanting to hold baby etc while I'm still in shock after a traumatic birth.
Just go with your DW wishes. She will be emotionally and physically exhausted. It really is up to her to decide when she feels ready for visitors.

I just wanted to add that you seem like a nice man and I'm sure you will understand how your wife feels once you've experienced labour with her. Labour is, for the most part, painful, messy and undignified and the recovery can be similarly unpleasant. Let her dictate the pace.

I hope my DS looks after his wife when she gives birth to their child. Obviously I would be excited and desperate to meet my grandchild but first and foremost I'd want DS's wife to have as easy a time of it as possible. Would be mortified if my presence caused that amount of stress to a couple expecting their first child.
Support your wife, your parents will meet your child but building up these barriers before the birth could add more strain to an already fragile relationship.

Yabu

She is the one giving birth so she gets to decide who knows and when she is up for visitors.

If you were my son I would be telling you to support your wife and when I am a mil I would not expect to be told dil was in labour and I would wait to visit when dil was ready for visitors.

I think you're being reasonable. I cant imagine not allowing any close relative to visit personally. Its not just her baby, it's a child/grandchild etc.

Unless it's more of an issue than a personality clash for her not getting on with the in laws.

Sorry to buck the trend there!

Yes you are still being unreasonable

And you aren't listening

Which is probably why your wife is so frustrated and has left

Unfair as it might seem to you this is all up to her. If you want to be there when your baby is born then you might need to rethink your priorities

Congratulations

I''ve not read the whole thread but I think you could perhaps compromise - no one wants to feel like a watched pot in labour so could you agree you ring and talk to your parents when the baby is born and all is well - say a couple of hours after. But have already discussed with them that you didn'tby want visitors fir at least a week while your wife recovers and you get to know your new baby.

Personally I felt Labour and the life with a new born would be much worse than it was in reality. It's stressful when your preg having lots of questions and expectations on you when you have no idea how it will be or how you will feel.

Yes and no to being unreasonable. Yabu to expect in-laws to be informed when she goes into Labour as this is a very private and stressful time but I think yanbu about letting them know they have a Gc after the Labour. A quick phone call? Also I think a week is a long time to wait to see their Gc. Could u set ground rules like they could come visit a few days later but only stay for less than an hour?
I have 3dc and these were my rules. Worked for us but obviously not for everyone.

Yep, you're still being completely unreasonable.

It is absolutely your child.

But it is your wife's labour. Hers alone. And she absolutely has the right to only have visitors (including any parents) when she feels recovered, and when she feels ready.

Pushing this onto her will cause huge resentment. It's her body, and her choice to see people when she feels able to.

Her mum is different, you have that maternal bond with your own mother. I was happy to see my mother when I had blood pouring out of me, was being stitched up (so legs akimbo, shredded lady parts very much visible), had breasts out trying to feed. I was in a lot of pain, I was shocked (threw up for a long time after the birth due to its speed and the shock). Even after I'd got home and had a bath, it hurt to sit down, everything ached and was sore. I wanted my mum to come and stroke my hair like she used to when I was a child and knew I could fall asleep while she sat there and that the baby would be taken care of. I don't have that relationship with my MIL. She didn't nurse me through illness as a child, soothe me off to sleep etc. I love my MIL, but I couldn't have had her there after either birth. I needed privacy. And when birth leaves you feeling so out of control, with no dignity left after troops of medical staff have seen your bits and bobs, the things you can control become very important.

I think a good rule of thumb is periods. You might talk about them with other women, with your MIL etc, but you wouldn't want your MIL to come to the loo with you and help you empty your mooncup! Your mum probably helped you with your early periods as a child and so there's that familiarity there and that bond of intimacy. Well that makes sense to me anyway.

I don't think you understand the position you are in. You are in danger of your wife leaving and you not being informed when she goes into labour. Appologise, say you got carried away and you will not tell your parents.

Her mum being there is different, that is to support her during labour, hopefully in addition to you if you pull your head out of your arse but I certainly didn't want my in-laws, who I love dearly, about when I was pouring blood everywhere and had a catheter in post-birth.

I'm afraid I also think YABU. I remember getting close to the first labour - I was so scared I couldn't think straight. The only person I wanted there was DH and that was just so I could shout and swear at someone!

I didn't tell anyone else I was in labour, and when my dad came to collect DH the next day as he was too tired to drive home himself, Dad didn't even come in to see me or the baby as I was too tired. He had to wait until the next day as did everyone else - no way in the world I was having people seeing me covered in blood and milk, with a catheter and me in my nightie.

Stop thinking about 'our baby' and see it in terms of 'her labour'. There will be ages to do the baby thing later, the labour is just for a short while and it is just about her.

It would be unreasonable for your parents to be waiting around the hospital if your wife did not want them there but if you would like your parents to meet your baby shortly after the birth, I think this is not unreasonable. It partly depends on what the back story is and why the relationship has broken down but you do need to work out how the relationship is going to work going forward. She does not know how she is going to feel but perhaps agreeing that they could pop in for an hour the day after the baby comes home, assuming all goes OK would not be unreasonable.

Excellent post Shadow

Giving birth, besides everything else, is also very stressful. She does not need the added stress of having your parents hovering behind the door, she really does not.

Recovering from birth might take quite a while. She will also have a tiny new baby and she needs the time to bond and get used to the idea of being a mother. Again, knowing that there are people hanging around and feeling like she has to let them see the baby before she's ready - very stressful.
Even if she's not really well enough, she will feel pressured, as parents might have been waiting and surely she can handle just a short visit, no big deal.

It is a big deal. You can find topics here where mothers are bitter for years and relationships with in-laws ruined forever, as the new mum felt that she had to have visitors before she was really ready. Don't do this to her.

YABU, sorry. I didn't want my in laws to visit in hospital - although I later relented as I figured that having them visit in hospital meant they'd have to leave when visiting hours ended, unlike if they came to our house!

Your wife may well not want visitors other than her own mum and you in hosital - she will be operating on very little sleep (sleeping both during labour and then on a ward post-birth basically doesn't happen IME), learning how to change nappies, what to do when baby cries, trying to feed the baby which to start with is a messy and uncertain process as both are learning what to do. She will be in pain, bleeding (also messy), may be recovering from a major operation if she ends up with a csection...

Honestly, be led by her.

Adding to my earlier post I had a post partum haemorrhage with DS1, so having a traumatic birth over one night, followed by an all night long blood transfusion the next night,with caring for a newborn and establishing bfeeding. I was wrecked.
I was greeted the next day by DP telling me his parents has set off and would be there within the hour.
Visiting times wouldn't let people who weren't the birth mothers partner in for a further 3 hours. Plus did I mention I was wrecked?
I told him, he rang them, mil cried fil shouted at DP telling him how upset his mum was and how selfish we were. It wasn't going to happen. Even if they did get there they wouldn't have been allowed in for 3 hours. But he listened to me, as l was wrecked and I was right.

(Should have said re above post, I was in hospital for 5 days, they visited on day 3).

Yes, you're still being unreasonable, sorry.

The effects of childbirth do not end with the emergence of the placenta. Aside from the immediate physical effects (bleeding plus whatever the particular birth leaves her with e.g. Stitches, catheter), do not under-estimate the emotional and hormonal side of things. The baby blues often coincide with the milk coming in on day 3-ish. Learning to breast feed, assuming your DW wants to try, is not usually as easy as people suppose, especially with a first baby. Who wants to entertain the inlaws with a boob hanging out for hours at a time?

Oh, and please don't think your parents can turn up to admire the baby while your DW sleeps. My inlaws, who came only when invited to see dc1 and who arrived with sandwiches for everyone, chased me off "for a nap" once I'd eaten. They meant well, and I needed the nap, but I couldn't sleep - just felt desperate that my baby wasn't with me.

Please just let her take the lead. You never know, she may surprise you and be desperate to show off the baby on day 2.

Don't push this. YABU. Her mum is her mum. Your mum, sorry, is just your mum! Just one of the reasons I now no longer speak to my PILS at all is due to how they behaved over the birth of our DD.

I would support your wife here 100%. She is the priority. Not your parents.

I don't have any relationship with my DH's mother. It took me 6 days to introduce DS just purely because I was learning how to be a mum. I still really struggle to have a relationship with MIL but 3 years later she is incredibly close to DS and so is FIL and they offer a completely different dynamic to the family for the better that I am glad we're different.

Support your wife :-) and the rest will pan out.

Yes, I am afraid you are being very unreasonable.

I went 8 days over with my first. I felt like a watched pot and people kept expressing their disappointment that I hadn't had the baby yet. Then when I went into labour it took, quite literally, days. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced and the most scary, disorientating experience of my life whilst it was going on. By the end, I hadn't slept for almost 72 hours. I couldn't feel my legs for about 8 hours after delivery, I was bleeding and couldn't clean myself.

That was a fairly 'normal' tough long first labour.

The thought of my MIL and FIL hanging around waiting on the chance to see the baby would have absolutely done my head in. After a physical challenge like that, I needed time to get straight in my own head. I needed some sleep. The idea of being under pressure because my mother and father in law were waiting down the road is horrible.

Personally I didn't want my own mother either, but I can understand that some people would. I'm not someone who reaches out to my mother when I'm ill or whatever, but I can see if you were you might want to cuddle up to her.

Yes, I think if she starts saying that your parents need to wait weeks to meet the baby then that would be unreasonable. There is a point where it stops just being about her and the labour and starts being about the wider family. But time to recover is about her, and only her.

Yes your still being unreasonable.

Your wife has actually written you a letter and walked out because this is so important to her.

This isn't about you, for all the reasons said above. Call your wife and apologise and promise her it is ok and she can see your parents in her own time without any pressure from yourself or them.

Really, you need to act now or you risk alienating her and you being excluded from the birth too!