Man sleeping on ward

[heylottie]

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

Fortunately, it will never happen as a general rule. The trials will not work out because women (in general) won't like it. And they will say so loud and long.

As I said before, if you want your partner there then pay for a private room so he isn't cluttering up our space and loos.

I just don't believe partners/helpers would increase the sleep deprivation of the women on the ward, new babies are not know for being the most quiet things.

I have never been in a communal sleeping environment ( flights, night time trains/coaches) where there has been any sort of antisocial noise ( apart from child related noise) I don't think people will all of a sudden start marauding about the ward and if they did they could be asked to leave.

You were not even in a ward, IKEA, but see fit to dictate how others should occupy them.

And examples of men being a nuisance have already been quoted on the thread.

I wouldn't have had an issue with a man being there to support his wife, especially whilst they settled the baby but I wouldn't have been happy with them talking all night but in this instance this doesn't seem to be the case so I would have been fine with it.

I can be made miserable and unhappy and lose confidence in circumstances where I am not feeling remotely threatened.

But ikea that's because everyone tries to sleep at the same time. If the partner is to be of any help then there probably will be conversations between the parents even nice ones like, "how are you doing? Is he feeding well?"

I also don't buy that a man who can be there for 12-14h during the day will really fail to bond with his child if he can't stay the first night or two.

Gees, look at adoptive parents, who aren't even there for the early days of their child's life most often, or parents whose children spend a long time in NICU or SCBU, where the parents are not allowed to sit with them overnight. Guess they will all never 'bond' with their children due to that. .

Yy expat and those poor second, third, fourth children because the father has to stay home with the older child rather than being on the ward...

Exactly. I gave birth to DS, our third, on my own as I had to go the CLU 2 hours away in the middle of the night. No family around.

DS was born at 4AM and DH didn't see him till the next evening.

What about fathers who are deployed and don't get to see their children right away?

Do they never 'bond'?

I wasn't on the ward but my partner was with me the entire time. I have as much right to say how I'd like things if I ever had to be on a ward ( very unlikely)

You feel you can say if partners should be allowed on the ward when presumably you didn't have your partnerwwith you? You are just as qualified to have an opinion as I am.

I believe that adoptive parents and parents seperated atbbirth do ofcourse bond but I believe I would have had to work harder to bond with a baby had I been physically separated from it. If you argue that proximity isn't important to bonding why not suggest all the newborns are sent of to the nursery like the old days.

I'd have LOVED a nursery. And a private room with own loo. In the real world, I don't want to sleep in a room designed for 4-6 patients and one loo with 8-12 adults, half non-patients.

I have a husband, not a partner.

Missed it ikea, were you in a private room or did you get discharged straight from the delivery suite?

I think all hospitals let partners stay in the delivery suite until transfer, however late that is.

We had a private room as does every new mother in the country I live in. It was a state hospital.

My post birth experience ( and birth experience) was so special and a big part of that was the time spent as a new family. Ds was planned and longed for, I'm not a young mum and I have lots of experience of children in a professional and personal setting but those first few days were a huge learning curve and very emotional for me. I had an easy birth and ds and I were well but the support I got from my dp post birth was vital. Ideally I don't think it is fair to make anyone regardless of gender share a room post birth but if the trade off is privacy for emotional and practical support, bonding time for both parents and the baby and in my opinion more sleep as dp could hold the baby whilst the mum slept ( why anyone thinks a baby is suddenly going to sleep alone in a plastic fishtank cot hours after coming out of the womb baffles me) I would chose to sacrifice privacy.

That is just my opinion, no more and no less important than anyone elses opinion.

Ikea you are as entitled to your opinion as anyone but you are not entitled to deny the experience of women who have had to share wards at night with abusive men. When I tell you that I was repeatedly shouted at and sworn at whilst I was in labour by the male partner of another women then that is what I mean. I do not mean it was absolutely fine and he behaved impeccably and my level of vulnerability whilst in labour was the same as it would have been if I was sitting fully dressed on a train.

Reading this thread has made me feel incredibly sad, both for the women who had to cope at this most vulnerable time without their partner to support them, and for women who felt intimidated and scared by strangers on the ward.

I know it's not a solution as many births are not low risk, but I don't think I had any idea how fortunate I was to have a home birth at the time. I rested and recovered while my boyfriend brought me food and held the baby between feeds while I slept, did all the nappies, sorted everything out. He was very very close to DD from day one, probably long before I was, I was still a bit in shock. So I was well fed and well rested, I got painkillers when I needed them, privacy to feed all the days and nights, baths when I wanted them, sleep whenever she wasn't feeding, and he carefully controlled the flow of visitors. Midwives came once a day and that was fine. And I wasn't the main carer for our daughter on those first days where I was delirious with exhaustion and sleep deprivation. It's not about "poor men" when I argue for my boyfriend bonding and doing loads of childcare right from the beginning - it set the pattern for our parenting and means I do not do all the childcare by default, as so many women are made to. It meant I got to recover. And unsurprisingly, I was back on my feet very quickly.

I knew I was fortunate to have a straightforward labour (though it was fucking long and bloody painful) but it was only well after the event talking to friends I realised my main luck had been avoiding the post natal ward…

I don't know what the solution is. I agree getting relatives to do the work of professionals is not the right solution, but I also think after straightforward births, and if feeding etc goes well, you don't always need medical help do you? But you do need the support of your family or friends. Most of my friends discharged themselves from hospital asap (24 hours after sections, even) just because they needed the support of their partners and couldn't have it in hospital.

I like the idea of the feminist-maternity-ward.

In reality, this thread has made me absolutely determined to never have a child in hospital if I can possibly help it - I realise I am very fortunate to have this choice and there are lots of people who would love to have home births but can't for a huge number of reasons.

I don't deny that you had that experience, it sounds horrible, I'm sorry you experienced that.

I have heard lots of stories about women being treated terribly on antenatal and postnatal wards, often by other women. I have heard of a woman speculating with friends/family on the phone as to why her neighbor didn't have a baby with her and coming to the conclusion social services had probably taken the baby then saying she didn't want the women without a baby anywherenear her baby incase she stole it. I have heardof a woman screaming at the other babies and mothers because of a crying baby.

Unfortunately other people both male and female can be horrible. I'd like to think most are not horrible, but maybe I'm being naive.

Look, it's not about men being horrible. A man could be a cross between St Francis of Assisi, Brian Cox and Tom Jones and I still wouldn't want him in the post natal ward in the middle of the night while I am struggling with a new born and blood soaked sanitary towels and a nightdress covered in leaked colostrum. I would like my own partner to be there,but I wouldn't inflict him on other women any more than I want theirs inflicted on me!

Ikea, the post natal ward is hell on earth at night, even with just six women and six babies. Six more people in the room is six too many.

Look, it's not about men being horrible. A man could be a cross between St Francis of Assisi, Brian Cox and Tom Jones and I still wouldn't want him in the post natal ward in the middle of the night while I am struggling with a new born and blood soaked sanitary towels and a nightdress covered in leaked colostrum. I would like my own partner to be there,but I wouldn't inflict him on other women any more than I want theirs inflicted on me!

I would rather no one saw me in that state (I would rather I had the support that allowed me to not get in that state, how on earth do you change sanitry towles every couple of hours whilst looking after a baby who wants to be held all the time?) but to me it makes no difference which genitalia the person who sees me has between their legs. I wouldn't intend to date, impress or attract any of the men on the ward so I would care no more about them seeing me than women seeing me.

IKEA, are you in Scandinavia?

Ah, I have just read on the other thread about the patient hotel and the baby nest... Tbh I think our frames of reference are planets apart! Sounds wonderful though!

With all the greatest respect, I'm not sure that anyone who hasn't spent a night on a postnatal ward can give a proper opinion purely because they haven't experienced it. Just like I can't say whether or not being in a private room would be fantastic or feel like you were abandoned, and I don't know much about looking after a newborn immediately post CS as DD wasn't with me. I'm not being rude but if you've never had to try and sleep on the postnatal ward, you probably can't picture how horrific some people imagine the idea of another 6 adults in that room would be.