Man sleeping on ward

[heylottie]

I am on a 4 bed maternity ward, a small ward with beds divided by curtains. 5 day old dd currently in SCBU getting help with low blood sugar.

Its been awful but I can't fault the care and kindness of the nursing staff who are great

But

Last night a woman was admitted at 11pm, I didn't see her as curtains drawn. I was aware that someone was sat in the chair next to my curtain, ie two foot from my bed. I got up at 2am and went to the loo.

Turns out her husband was asleep on the chair.

I don't know if I am coming or going at moment, but I don't think this is appropriate is it? Woman was asleep. I mentioned to staff and they said oh he's waiting for his baby to settle in the incubator. Whilst I appreciate that, could he not have waited in the family tv room down the corridor?

Or am I being over sensitive? I just think this is a vulnerable enough time without this.

Well said, Zoemaguire. I was sent home three hours after my daughter was born by CS. I was beyond horrified. My poor DW was stuck in bed, unable to move, and wanted me there. I wanted to be there, too, FGS. What on earth would have been the problem with me staying? I was hardly likely to assault anyone.

I had this on a general ward. I'd just had emergency surgery and came back to the 3 bed ward.

Came round late at night and my curtains were half open and this strange man was standing at the bottom of my bed watching me. My buzzer thing was far out of reach and I couldn't move.

I pretended to go back to sleep and called out as soon as I heard a nurse.

I have never felt so totally helpless and vulnerable.

He was really creepy. His wife had been admitted earlier that day (not life threatening and she had been in and out of hospital a lot) to the bed next to me and he had refused to leave the ward.. The nurses had been waiting ages for security to get him out.

They were both awful the whole time to be honest - demanding wasn't the word! One example was she insisted on using a commode which the nurse had to empty and every time afterwards walked to the toilet to wash her hands

I want to say, that the man is there to support his wife and child in what could he horrific circumstances. They are not there to be perving and having just seen their baby born they know full well the mess and after math entailed and have no interest in looking at anyone else.

Wards are short staffed and it was another woman's husband who helped me out post birth because no one else came to help.

But I can see that maybe for others it would be uncomfortable.

But, I don't think the problem is men on wards. More that there's no help for the woman do husbands feel they need to stay. I would however give the patient the benefit of the doubt as who knows what she went through.

The hospital where I had dcs were very strict about men being there, on the ward they had a 12-3 no visitors not even husband policy which for some reason they tried to implement in delivery suite when I'd had dd2.

She was born at about 940 am by cs and at 12 they were telling dh he had to go and come back at 3 ! Despite letting other fathers stay. He said no and they tried to insist. Dd was a couple of hours old and I wanted him there.

On the ward we stuck to the times and that was fine but I couldn't believe they tried to make dh leave the recovery room.

I don't really get what the difference is between t
men being there in the day and at night, as a PP said. Unless they're making noise, obviously.

Are you seriously suggesting that it is ok for the dh to be sent home straight after a stillbirth?!

Where did i say that. I said that senario happened and it didnt involve the dh staying on the ward. As far as I am aware they would be given a private room elsewhere for them to be together.

Giles, some men are not supportive or nice at all, and may in fact be violent offenders. There are several midwives on here with tales to spin one's head.

When I had DS, one bay was used to start induction on women, and the partner of one patient was found in our shared bathroom shooting up drugs.

With no way of vetting them, it is inappropriate to have them in a ward setting.

I would speak to the ward sister.

I think imo it's more the fact of having sone downtime from male presence Toby.

It is inappropriate. It was probably an oversight tbh. Of course men are allowed to stay if there are exceptional circumstances. You have no way of knowing if there were.

Of course men stay after a stillbirth ffs. We have a double bed for this on our ward. They're not going to be put in a postnatal bay, are they?!

Giles, some men are not supportive or nice at all, and may in fact be violent offenders. There are several midwives on here with tales to spin one's head

I do understand that. But that's also true of family members and friends and lesbian life partners (or whatever the correct term is sorry if that's not the right one)

They don't vet anyone.

All I know is I could have used dp there. He nearly missed the birth as they sent him home despite me telling them that once it kicks off my babies come quick. If he hadn't have made it I dread to think what would have happened because all the staff left the room I was pushing and no one was there I couldn't see the call button, he had to press it.

I didn't trust the staff at all. Without dp I felt even more scared and confused so I'm just saying I can understand then being there.

I agree with you OP. Other NHS hospital wards are single-sex for privacy and dignity reasons, I'm really sad that this appears to be on the way out in maternity wards these days.

Well in theory you should get a private room in traumatic circumstances. In practice that does not always happen. I'm not suggesting that all men be allowed in postnatal wards all night. But the woman who has just been brought in at 11pm might well be going through all kinds of hell that mean that she needs her dh there as much as the other women need privacy. It is crap, but what gives? Something has to, and in some circumstances I am saying I would prefer it be my privacy (that is illusory anyway since I am crammed into a space hardly bigger than a bed, with men present 12 hours a day anyway) than a traumatised woman's right to proper support. The system is shit, no doubt about it, because everyone has a right to both.

Uterus well I was on a postnatal bay. Not a stillbirth, but with a newborn 26 weeker you could be facing the death of your baby at any second. I have nothing but praise for the way the NHS have helped bring three of my children alive and well to me, but postnatal services in many hospitals are nothing short of a disgrace.

Hold on a second.
My dd was seriously Ill after she was born and we were also dealing with being told she had a cleft palate.
My dh didn't stay. Yes it would have been great but unfortunately it's not just about us it's about the comfort if other patients who simply must come first.
In my case eventually we were given a private room and I'd imagine that in the event of a stillbirth provision would be made.
After birth you are bleeding with a massive pad on, leaky boobs, sometimes a catheter and a fat saggy belly, full of wind and fairly vulnerable.
I don't think it's prudish or unreasonable not to want to be like that when another persons husband is around.

Actually I agree zoe, thinking about it.

I would forgo my privacy to ease another womans trauma.

This happened after I had dd by c section. I had to get up to go to the toilet after my catheter was removed. I had to try to walk to the loo, in a nighty with no knickers on holding pads in place, right in front of a woman's husband/boyfriend who didn't even have the decency to look away.

It was completely innapropriate for him to be on the ward and I felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable.

Even worse was that I fainted after I came out of the bathroom right infront of their cubicle and ended up on the floor. He still had a bloody good look. Not nice at all.

I would too forgo my privacy for another woman's comfort, but the point is you shouldn't have to. Maternity units have side wards and other rooms they can use.

Also before I was able to get up I was trying to bf dd and he kept walking past the cubicle and looking in where the midwives had left the curtains open a little bit. It was a complete invasion of my privacy and made me very very uncomfortable.

As pointed out if something really traumatic happened then its unlikely they will be on the ward.

My DH had to stay in with me for a week when our last dc was born

Not ideal but there were no other options for us, sometimes it just can't be helped

At our hospital women who sadly I through still births stay on delivery unit in a special comfy room they don't go anywhere near the pos natal ward!

Also husbands can come from 10 am until 8pm every day and everyone goes home at 8pm! There is no men allowed to stay over! 1 there's no facility for them and 2 it's actually health and safety! Our responsibility is to the new mother and baby not the dad!!

Unless........we have special reasons that we actually encourage them to stay.....and they are I a. Side room. Ie baby very poorly on nicu(they get open visiting), mummy is very poorly, twins are the top reasons as why this is allowed!

Zoe. Sounds like u had a very shit time, have u spoken to a supervisor of midwives regarding this?

Post natal care is shit, but try being that member of staff who is constantly told she is shit! Because I'm one of them staff members who gets it flung back to them

I don't think its appropriate on an open ward at all,
I can appreciate people would like their husbands there in a vulnerable time,and the company is nice.But you are not the only person there.
But I would be livid at having to hobble to the toilet bleeding like a shot animal, after giving birth , in front of somebody else's husband..
To the point where I would be uncomfortable leaving my bed, and probably request a word with the nurse.
On a open ward its not about you I'm afraid,
YANBU OP I agree,

I also don't think you are being oversensitive, either all husbands are allowed to stay or none are allowed to stay. It does feel awful being left by yourself just after giving birth (I remember the feeling too well from my first difficult nightime labour when I pretty much couldn't walk and nearly fainted in the loo trying to change out of bloody gown I gave birth in ) but anyone who thinks all dads should be allowed to stay at night has clearly been lucky with the types of people they were sharing the ward with.

Midwives have come on these threads before and said there are certain men who visit their partners when they have a baby who simply cannot be allowed to wander around a hospital of vulnerable sleeping patients at night. Some men would 'kick off' if they were told they can't stay and other husbands can.

Forget the bogey man, there was a statistic on the radio this morning that 48% of women have at one time been sexually or physically abused, how are the midwifes supposed to assess every man who they come into contact with and judge if he is a suitable man to be in a dark room with vulnerable women and babies who are trying to sleep?

Its also not just about privacy or safety, some women like op stay in hospital for longer than one night and need to sleep. An excited or loud dad who has maybe just had their first baby and possibly an easy or quick birth prob wont be silent even if he thinks he is whispering.

I have to say that I think men shouldnt be allowed to stay seeing the descriptions of some women when they are trying to stop the flow of blood or are seeing men peering in to get a quick flash of a women breast feeding.

What next, Mum's there, children, other family members?

There are a couple of things:

1. Side rooms for these sorts of cases - not just because the women wants her partner there. Sadly if there are no side rooms then you will have to think of others.

1. Buying your own private room, after all you only give birth ocassionally. I know this wont be particularly popular but if its really important to you......

YANBU.

Post natal wards are noisy and packed enough in daytime hours.

Husbands on an open ward at night is inappropriate for privacy and safety reasons.

Also you might encounter someone wanting to "reclaim their man"