absolutely terrified...

[MrsPatMustard]

I'm sure this is a topic that gets raised all the time, but I'm currently 25+4 with DC1 and I'm utterly petrified of childbirth. I've postponed pregnancy deliberately for years (I'm 39) because I'm totally freaked out by it. I've signed up to NCT relaxation/breathe classes to try and prep myself but, whilst the other women in the class seem to be fairly calm, I don't think it's helping at all. The course leader asks us to visualise a contraction and even thinking about it makes me feel panicky...

NCT seems to spend all the time convincing you that it's going to be a calming beautiful experience but all I can think of are those horrendous childbirth films they show you in school. None of the women in those films looked like they were finding it especially calming!

The things that are particularly stressing me are the thought of tearing whilst the baby comes out. I'd opt for an elective caesarian but I'm also terrified of the idea of an injection into my spine, not to mention the thought of catheters...

I feel such a coward. But I'm already at the point of crying every time I think about labour and I'm having nightmares.

Has anyone else been through this and can anyone offer any suggestions for coping with the fear and trying to minimise the stress? Especially would appreciate thoughts on different pain relief options - since NCT barely seem to talk about this...

I will be exactly like you when my time comes. Doesn't help that people have a little chuckle at the thought of me giving birth because I faint at the slightest hint of pain. I will definitely be aiming for a positive hypnobirthing experience when my time comes. Have heard great things - and even people who thought it all went out the window as soon as labour started have said their OH's reported that they were using the techniques without even realising it. Has to be worth a shot. Good luck x

FrenchFleurs Wed 23-Oct-13 07:01:06
It is YOUR ignorance that makes it apparent that you know nothing about tokophobia. If however you do happen to have this phobia, then please do let us know.

You make the assumption that everyone fear is the same and everyone fears the same things and they deal with it the same way.

I have read what Starlight has put and what she fears, many many times. I don't doubt that she has a genuine fear, genuine reason to fear nor do I doubt that she probably has tokophobic. Her fear is different to a lot of others, but it is still very obvious to me that her appalling experiences have caused her an enormous about of distress and had a lasting impact.

I do not always agree with her opinions on how to deal with fear, but I absolutely think she has a very important contribution to express which gives a perspective which is highly valuable and differs from what others express.

I did not for a second read starlights comment as suggesting women should not have a epidural. Indeed, if you read what she said, what she actually said was that planning your birth on having an epidural and then being denied that could cause PTSD. Exactly what you said. But you've jumped all over her unfairly.

She suggested various coping strategies, not just a reliance on pain relief and actually thats fair point.

You are projecting your own fears on to others, and that does help you or them. You have to listen to others, and what their fears are to understand and help each and every person as an individual. There is no 'right' way. There is definitely a wrong one though and that is to fail to listen.

I personally think that fear of childbirth is a deeply personal thing and manifests itself in completely different ways in different women. They are no 'better' or 'worse' than another. Just different. We all have different strategies on how to cope with that; what works for one person might not work in another. I am convinced that everyone woman's fear is incredibly unique and their triggers can range dramatically.

It is extremely foolish to disregard the idea of mind over matter when it comes to medicine. If you look at scientific research into drugs and the placebo effect, a placebo can be incredibly significant and massively beneficial. If hypnobirthing and breathing works for some; and it does seem to, why dismiss it? It might not be for you, but it doesn't mean it doesn't have value.

OP, upon reflection, I think you might be right to give up on the NCT, not because they are necessarily doing anything wrong, but because of this sentence:

I've signed up to NCT relaxation/breathe classes to try and prep myself but, whilst the other women in the class seem to be fairly calm

I think this might be a bigger issue for you. You are comparing yourself to others and when you don't think you are coping as well as them you are panicking. Trouble is, you can't really tell what they are thinking, and even if you asked them, they might not give you a completely honest answer.

You should be focusing on you and not on how everyone else is coping. Its not a competition, and not everyone has the same level of fear to begin with. You aren't accounting for the fact that they simply may not feel it is 'real' yet and it may only hit them the moment they enter the hospital. They may panic at this point, whereas your fears now, might work to your benefit by giving you time to develop coping strategies that work for you and you have faith and trust in.

If you are crying over your fears and they are affecting you to this extent, then it suggests you do need support. But perhaps you would be a lot better with some sort of 1 to 1 support rather than the NCT. Either with a trusted midwife, or counsellor of some kind.

Hi,
I just wanted to add a little positive experience...I think that eveyone is scared the first time, it's the fear of the unknown, the horror stories we hear and the talks of horriffic pains...I surrvived it, it wasn't anything like what I imagined. The pain wasn't as horrible as I thought (for me personally), but what made it difficult was the lenght and intensity of the whole experience. I found myself in a completely surreal state, I was in the 'birthing' zone, quite primal. Tiring, yes. I was lucky that I had a straighforward delivery, but also have friends with emergency cs who had positive memories of birth. You will be fine! Lots of luck x

Strategies of coping with pain...Gas and air was a hit for me. I felt out of control and being to decide when to have g&a gave me some of the control back which was great psychologically. Spent most of the labour in the pool which also helped. We had some of our fav cds on, my dh made special birthing compilation, which was quite relaxing. I know this sounds a bit hippy, but whatever takes you to a happy place, you should take with you. If it's sounds, take ipod with you, if smell, relaxing oils. i hope it helps! How about finding some positive labour stories? May take the fear away a bit.

Wow. I could have written this post before I gave birth! And.... childbirth wasn't that bad.
Watching those nasty videos and hearing people talk of labour is very very different to doing it yourself.
The fear beforehand is worse than doing it.

You will be fine.

Do hypnobirthing, it's a bit hippy but really helps.
Don't let people tell you horror stories.
Labour isn't permanent, it does end, well, at the end!
Every contraction you have you will never have again.

I tore very badly and took ages to heal and I too was terrified of tearing but when it happens it happens and I healed as good as new. I won't lie it was sore and took a few months to feel normal but I guess I'd feel like that to an extent anyway.