absolutely terrified...

[MrsPatMustard]

I'm sure this is a topic that gets raised all the time, but I'm currently 25+4 with DC1 and I'm utterly petrified of childbirth. I've postponed pregnancy deliberately for years (I'm 39) because I'm totally freaked out by it. I've signed up to NCT relaxation/breathe classes to try and prep myself but, whilst the other women in the class seem to be fairly calm, I don't think it's helping at all. The course leader asks us to visualise a contraction and even thinking about it makes me feel panicky...

NCT seems to spend all the time convincing you that it's going to be a calming beautiful experience but all I can think of are those horrendous childbirth films they show you in school. None of the women in those films looked like they were finding it especially calming!

The things that are particularly stressing me are the thought of tearing whilst the baby comes out. I'd opt for an elective caesarian but I'm also terrified of the idea of an injection into my spine, not to mention the thought of catheters...

I feel such a coward. But I'm already at the point of crying every time I think about labour and I'm having nightmares.

Has anyone else been through this and can anyone offer any suggestions for coping with the fear and trying to minimise the stress? Especially would appreciate thoughts on different pain relief options - since NCT barely seem to talk about this...

[Hansiepoo]

This is my first post! I also am terrified of giving birth naturally - am due end of March - and brought up an elective Caesarean as soon as I could with my midwife. They acted as if I was the first person to want one, and were not very welcoming of the idea though they did say it was my choice , as I knew it's now in the NICE guidelines that they cannot refuse one, even a medically unnecessary one, and now I am booked to see a consultant as opposed to a midwife to talk through my options. I imagine that will be them reassuring me of all the help, care etc available having a natural birth. I know all that. I have read about the positives and negatives of both and personally cannot see why you would choose not to have a Caesarean if you are scared of childbirth. I imagine the hippies at the NCT class I'll be going to will disagree, but as it's up to me, that's fine. I would say to anyone whose local authority refuse them one to go to the next local authority, as you can choose a different LA to have your baby in, you don't have to go to the one they allocate you to. It is your right to ask for and receive a procedure specified in NICE.

[FrenchFleurs]

Starlight
Please stop talking. You evidently don't have tokophobia and you know nothing about how to address the problem.

Science has shown nothing related to what you are claiming. Childbirth pain is like any other pain and is processed by the brain and pain receptors in much the same way. The whole notion of "good" pain and "bad" pain is made-up nonsense which is actually NOT based on science. It's just a way to convince women that their pain is their own fault (which is appalling).

I find it ridiculous that you are suggesting that an epidural can cause PTSD I'm sorry, but have you ever spoken to a tokophobic woman who was denied an epidural or a c-section? THAT is PTSD. Denying pain relief to someone in pain is inhuman and telling someone that her pain is a "state of mind" is absolutely unscientific.

[SolomanDaisy]

Hansie, I had an amazing natural birth. I even did natal hypnotherapy classes instead of nct. But there's a difference between someone in my position, scared but able to find an approach that works for me, and someone like you who has researched it and still feels that a c section is the best option. Positive birth experiences are all about making the choices that are right for you and that includes c section.

I hope it goes really well and no-one judges you.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

French,

Where did I say anything about good pain and bad pain French

Where did I say that epidurals cause PTSD?

And how DARE you make assumptions that I know nothing about tokophobia. You don't know the first thing about me.

Your rigidity of thinking, ignorance and assumptions are dangerous for women who may be vulnerable due to their fears. And I believe it is you, not I who should stop talking.

[SaltySeaBird]

I'm a wimp. I cry if I get a splinter. It has been a long time family joke since I was in my early teens that I should never have children as my pain threshold is ridiculously low.

But I did it. I gave birth and I'm TTC#2 so really it can't have been that bad.

When I was induced they couldn't even give me the internal exam as I couldn't even let them touch me. I went straight on the gas and air then. But it is over relatively quickly and that is coming from a 72 hour labour, 13 hours post having hormone drip and waters broken at 3cm dilated.

Ask for emla cream (anaesthetic numbing cream) for the cannula if you need one.

It's okay and the reward is amazing at the end!

[perfectstorm]

I was terrified beyond belief before giving birth to DS. Absolutely petrified. The last 2 months of pregnancy, I was staring at women in the street with children and thinking, my God, women are heroines, how can we just take this for granted, how can society just casually accept such horrific pain, this is insanity.... I'm someone who can't handle intramuscular injections, and I need paracetomol AND ibuprofen to get my legs waxed. I had laser hair removal treatment and they had to use cocaine gel on the area - most women don't think it hurts. My pain threshold is not great. I was totally freaking out and just unspeakably panicky at the prospect. My only coping mechanism was to try not to let myself think about it at all. I was so close to just begging for a C section.

I had a 3 day latent stage with DS which never hurt that much, but the whole time I was uneasily aware that it was a cop-out stage and the real agonies lay ahead. At one point I had to go to hospital to be checked over and I went to the main delivery unit, and the bright lights and noise and bustle amped the pain up a lot. I was in tears and scared. Then I went home and the calm and familiarity of my own space meant I relaxed and the pain dissipated into manageability again.

After my waters broke I went in to the midwife led unit. I had every intention of having early labour there, then demanding an epidural and going upstairs for the real drugs as it became unbearable - I just wanted the nice gentle setting in the early stages. The pain was worse but not yet too bad, just at sort of horrible period stage. When I got into the birthing pool it was amazing - it was like it went altogether. And the calm, low lit atmosphere was lovely, I am the least hippy person you will ever meet but it felt "right" somehow. I'd also eye-rolled at the "visualise each contraction..." bollocks, but oddly it helped. And the two things going through my head were, "God this is going to get awful soon, I'm fucking terrified.... no, don't think about that you can't change it...." and "this is actually really, really boring. I have nothing to do."

When it started to hurt more I asked for gas and air and it made no odds at first - then when it kicked in it was lovely. I was floating. And after that everything goes hazy. Apparently by the end I was sucking on it constantly and not allowing any break at all, but I never felt the pain was that bad. I gave birth to an almost 9 lb baby and the first thing I said was, "was that it? I could do that again!"

It does make a difference to how you handle the pain that you have an ultimate goal and an ultimate release point in view. It just does. You're on a mission and that focus was helpful to me. And environment also makes a big difference to how you feel. Pain in labour is linked to fear and anxiety - that much is proven. I've planned the same labour for the baby I'm having in the New Year, and again I want it not in a stand-alone midwife-led, which is common in this area, but with obstetric led next door just in case things are really different, and I want an epidural or something goes wrong. BUT... I am honestly, truly looking forward to it. I loved giving birth. I genuinely look back on those hours with real nostalgia and pleasure. And I'm still a wimp. I took pain relief to cope with the early days of trying to learn to breastfeed!

I'd abandon the NCT. I didn't want anyone's agenda interfering in what I did. I read up on the research and decided on a staircase of pain relief, going up a step as each option stopped working - my intention was start at home with TENS and paracetomol, then go in and use the water pool and gas and air, then go for epidural (very few women seemed to find opiate injections helpful, can't remember their name). I never needed to progress beyond pool and g & a but sodding well would have if I needed to. My birth plan also made my midwife laugh as it was: natural labour preferred unless the baby is breech (planned section) or so late they want to induce me (not on your nelly, that leads to a painful labour so if they want the baby out I want a planned section). I was so afraid of birth, they said the choice of whether to labour naturally or via section was mine and they'd support whatever I went for. I'm glad I had a natural birth, but I still want to scream when people present it as a glorious experience. For me, it was, but that's luck and you know that it's down to hormonal and biological processes giving you a natural high that outweighs the pain. Not everyone is that lucky and a healthy child and mother and the least traumatic experience possible for both should be the sole aim - not a hippy dippy nebulous idea of birth. There are lots of helpful books that cover all aspects from all kinds of perspectives and you can go with what feels right to you. But in the early stages, distraction does help. And we're animals - I found birth odd in that it felt like I'd done it before, and I knew exactly what I wanted. My mother was bustling about and I told her to shut up, sit down and read a book. I didn't want to feel any distractions at all. It was weird, animal instincts can be powerful even in someone who is usually pretty cerebral. Fear is an instinct - a rational one, as labour is awful for some women. But it is NOT awful for most. It just isn't. Most women are fine. This time, I'm not at all scared. I'm even looking forward to it.

French you aren't reading what Starlight has actually said, just what you think she said. She pointed out that epidurals don't always happen as women requesting one for pain relief have to wait behind emergency C sections etc needing priority (and someone wanting one should ask early, I am told - you can always change your mind when the anaesthetist arrives!), not that having one can cause PTSD. She also pointed out that fear and anxiety increase susceptibility to pain (so does tiredness) which is proven fact. You're hitting out at someone for no reason at all, and telling her to "stop talking" is just bloody rude, even without the fact that your own failures in reading comprehension underlie your anger.

[merrymouse]

Agree with earlier point, the thought that people had chosen to go through childbirth again helped me.

Also, from my point of view, although childbirth can look a bit raw and frightening, when I went I was in labour I was so focused on myself that I didn't notice the details. An elephant could have walked into the room and I wouldn't have noticed.

[CheerfulYank]

I just had a 9lb 6 oz baby 5 months ago and I'm thinking of when I might do it again! Also she's my second, so obviously the first wasn't too bad either.

Honestly, for me, the thing that helped the most was knowing that I had absolutely no choice about it. Babies come out some way and I just had to get on with it. I just kept telling myself "it's just one day, it's just one day and then it will be over."

[SleepPleaseSleep]

For those talking about elective caesareans, do make sure you weigh your options carefully won't you. They're no picnic.
After natural childbirth the big pain stops. You might have a few aches from tears, and I felt really bruised downstairs for a week or two, plus thanks to bloodless had fainting fits for two weeks. And a badly inserted catheter gave me a painful, but bearable uti for months. But that was it.
With caesarean you have to be on serious pain relief for at least 3 months. And that's just normal- complications are worse.
You can't lift anything heavier than your baby for the same period. No laundry or housework of any kind. You would need support.
I was really scared that I'd have to have one with my 2nd cos he was breech. With a toddler to look after, daddy with up to 2 hours commute and no support at all, I couldn't have managed. Thankfully he turned at last week. The complications I had (more blood loss) were again over and done with in 2 weeks.
As always, get loads of info, do research, and pick the option that's right for you.

[ZingDollyChops]

sleep

not true! I only took co-codamol for a week after my ELSC with DS4 (had to be, he was footling breech) and although the scar was sore for months it was way less of a problem than the episiotomy I had with DS1 (foreceps delivery)!

we have 6 kids and I know a lot of people.
and most of the people I talked to about our C-sections reported similarly about painkillers - you only need strong ones for a week or so.

I had no painkillers in labour with DS3 as he came really fast.

had epidural with the other 4 - apart from DS1, the epidural wore off by the time I was ready to push!
The combination of not being utterly exhausted from pain and being able to feel what I'm doing gave me incredible confidence and control.

it went so well with DD (6th)!
the pushing was quite bearable and because I listened to the MWs when to stop pushing (and because DD was only 8lb 3) I didn't even tear with her!
I bounced back incredibly quickly.

[ZingDollyChops]

and of course you can do a bit of housework - sorry, but you talk utter nonsense!

yes, don't lift heavy things, but everything can be organized!

I was driving after 4 weeks and although I arranged help for the schoolruns, because of time issues, I still had to look after my other 3 children too!
and cook food, and get the washing /folding done, bathe the children, tidy up - do you seriously suggest life stops just because you had a C-section?
if everything goes well you can do pretty much everything by the time baby is 3 months old!

dear me, talk about scaremongering!

[ababycalledbrian]

Try to have a plan for how to keep yourself calm and relaxed. Talk to your birth partner about this in lots of detail and make sure that they know what to do (this may change once you're into labour but I think having a plan at the outset is helpful because it makes you calmer and more confident which is so important). 2 things I found v helpful was getting my DP to remind me to keep my jaw and hands relaxed. I know it sounds a bit mad and woo but apparently jaw muscle is key to keeping down below relaxed too. And do lots and lots of breathing practice. Also, try not to assume you'll have an awful birth! It's kind of luck of the draw I think so try to just take it one contraction at a time.

[SleepPleaseSleep]

Sorry zing, that is the info I found when I was looking it all up. I was wondering if there was anyone here who had had it done.
I am surprised by the mid-match - could you just have been lucky? Or perhaps the general advice is to cope with the worst case scenario, although it doesn't say that. It does say avoid all housework and expect to be on pain relief.
Anyway, people, please feel free to check out all sources of info including the voices of experience first!

[SleepPleaseSleep]

Though you do say you could do everything by 3 months, which is the time frame I mentioned, and is a long time to be struggling.

[FrenchFleurs]

Starlight

As someone who has had the same phobia and fear myself, I have given the advice which I know from experience will help.

It is YOUR ignorance that makes it apparent that you know nothing about tokophobia. If however you do happen to have this phobia, then please do let us know.

[FrenchFleurs]

Sleep Just because you recovered quickly form a natural birth doesn't mean everyone does. Women with episiotomies, third/fourth degree tears etc. might take a lot longer to recover- even months! And there is no way of knowing in advance who will tear and how badly.

Secondly, planned c sections and emergency c sections have vastly different recovery times. An emergency section is far worse because you recover from hours and hours of labour as well as the major surgery, which can be quite challenging. I know so many women who had planned c sections and they recovered very quickly and with no complications at all.

[goonIcantakeit]

"it is wise to ensure that you have available to you the full range of internal resources that you need to cope with childbirth"

Hmm. I would substitute "hard" for "wise" there starlight! If you were a midwife, you wouldn't say that to a nervous patient would you?

[cakehappy]

Hansiepoo

The hippies you'll meet in your NCT group will judge you for wanting a CSection.... really? The only person I think that will be judgemental is you.

[BaldricksTurnip]

I have naturally birthed three enormous babies. Only had gas and air each time and was also induced with all three (people say induced births are worse than natural labours as far as pain is concerned). My last son was 10lb 1oz! I'm not going to lie OP it hurts. But your body and brain do some weird stuff when you're in labour, I felt like I was on another planet! My midwife (who is a dear friend) said that it's all to do with endorphins released during labour. It is a mind blowing experience that changes you forever and although it can be incredibly intense you will discover that there is this primal side of you that's like some kind of cave woman It will be fine, you are built to give birth and the minute that baby is in your arms you won't care about anything else. Best of luck to you

[ZombieZing]

baldricks

please enough with the "built to give birth" thing!
some people have phobias, some have tiny hips and enormous babies, some have other medical issues or low pain threshold - not everyone can or should give birth naturally and there are hundreds of reasons/complications why people require medical interventions.

I'm glad yours were all relatively easy births by the sound of it, but it doesn't happen like that for a lot of people.

understanding helps. generalizing doesn't.

[wakemeupnow]

Fear of giving birth creates a lot of tension in the body which makes it harder to give birth. You have to be able to relax into the pain.... the knowledge that we are "built to give birth" can help us trust enough to let go of our fears.

A lot of women are so impatient for their baby to arrive, they give all their power away to doctors before trusting themselves and their bodies to complete the process of creating life.

[Photographermom]

Hi there, i can completely sympathize with your fears as i had to overcome many of my own for birthing my 2 dcs

Two things that really helped me that you might want to consider are:

1. Picking up some natal hypnotherapy cds and listening/practicing the positive affirmations every single day. It sounds kind of strange but can really help retrain your brain to let go of the negative/scary messages about birth (I never found the hypnotherapy particularly helpful in practice during the actual labor except for the elimination of fear)

1. In regards to your specific fear about tearing...look into a product called the epi-no . I bought it after it was recommended to me by my midwives to avoid tearing in my second birth because i was given a huge episiotomy during my first birth and they were afraid the scar tissue would be less elastic and more likely to tear. Anyway, beginning in week 37 i started using it religiously and got all the way up to10 cm a few days before my labor. I ended up oushing out an 8.2lb baby completely unscathed and intact so it definitely worked for me! It was about 100 quid but worth every bit of it to avoid tearing/being cut!!!

Hope that helps and good luck!

[merrymouse]

I agree with baldrick about primal experience. Not sure about 'built to give birth' - if we were babies would just pop out with the ease that a chicken lays an egg.

However, being in labour does involve an awful lot of hormones and the you that gives birth is not the you that hops around in agony when you stub your toe.

[BaldricksTurnip]

Oh honestly. I'm not trying to not be understanding! Or generalising. You ARE built to give birth. Yes there can be complications as with anything but you can have faith in your own body that you have a pretty good chance of having a successful birth as evolution has designed you to do it. I think there is a massive amount of fear propagated by the medicalisation of childbirth. Obviously some people have problems and require intervention but also lots and lots of people give birth naturally and everything is fine. There is no need to frighten first time mothers by insinuating that birth is NOT a natural process and likely to incur problems and difficulties as this is simply not true.

[theyoniwayisnorthwards]

OP I was terrified too, the fear was much much worse than the pain. Deal with each thing as it arrives. Make sure your birth partner knows what you want and is prepared to kick up a fuss on your behalf to make sure you get it. Remember you are giving birth in the one safest and most medically sophisticated place and time possible.

I had two caesareans, I was on painkillers for weeks not months and down to aspirin by the end of week two. The second caesarean was an elective and an absolute breeze, I was home 24 hours later. Yes you need to rest afterwards but you should allow for that no matter how you give birth. Plan to lie in bed or on the couch with baby feeding, sleeping and snuggling. If you feel up for more and want to be active then that's a bonus.