absolutely terrified...

[MrsPatMustard]

I'm sure this is a topic that gets raised all the time, but I'm currently 25+4 with DC1 and I'm utterly petrified of childbirth. I've postponed pregnancy deliberately for years (I'm 39) because I'm totally freaked out by it. I've signed up to NCT relaxation/breathe classes to try and prep myself but, whilst the other women in the class seem to be fairly calm, I don't think it's helping at all. The course leader asks us to visualise a contraction and even thinking about it makes me feel panicky...

NCT seems to spend all the time convincing you that it's going to be a calming beautiful experience but all I can think of are those horrendous childbirth films they show you in school. None of the women in those films looked like they were finding it especially calming!

The things that are particularly stressing me are the thought of tearing whilst the baby comes out. I'd opt for an elective caesarian but I'm also terrified of the idea of an injection into my spine, not to mention the thought of catheters...

I feel such a coward. But I'm already at the point of crying every time I think about labour and I'm having nightmares.

Has anyone else been through this and can anyone offer any suggestions for coping with the fear and trying to minimise the stress? Especially would appreciate thoughts on different pain relief options - since NCT barely seem to talk about this...

And, you get your baby at the end. Nothing in life worth having comes easy. And believe me your baby is worth having!

Natal hypnotherapy was brilliant for me. I wasn't terrified, but I was resigned to childbirth being a horrible, damaging experience. I felt so much better and really positive with the hypnotherapy and had a lovely calm homebirth. I did have a second degree tear, but I wouldn't have known if they hadn't told me.

I gave birth 3 weeks ago. Really positive experience. I too can recommend hypnobirthing and a doula. It doesn't take away the pain, but allows you to stay calm, in control and positive and therefore in a much better position to take labour as it comes. I tore as many women do and didn't notice. We are served up so many negative images of labour in films etc, I didn't know it didn't have to be that way. Labour is a marathon and hard work, you know that. It is also something you are very capable of doing.

The thing about tearing or episiotomy is that your perineum is stretched tight with a babys head pressing down on it. If either happen, you wont feel much other than a sting.

For those who've used a hypnobirthing CD, is there a particular one that anyone would recommend? And when did you start using it? I'm 24 weeks so a way to go yet, 2nd time round for me but the first wasn't great do I'd like to explore ways to go into it with a positive mindset. Thanks.

I have just completed the natal hypnotherapy training and the cds are fab. Quite a few of the trainees were mums who had used the cds and raved about them.

Forgot to mention, best advice for labour I was given was have a tool kit ie start with distraction techniques, moving on to say, two paracetamol and lowest setting on tens machine. I felt safe knowing that there was always another step to take when I needed. I stayed at home as long as possible, kept out of the pool as long as I could and then I knew I had g+a to try later. By the end, I realised drugs hadn't even crossed my mind. I had made it clear to dh beforehand that I would bliming well have an epidural if I felt I needed one.

ClaireDunphy- I also used the Natal CD and would really recommend it. I had a lovely calm labour. I was very focused and was just happy to get on with it without interference when possible. The midwifes commented on how incredibly calm and focused I was. Apart from the moment when dd was crowning there was no screaming or anything like that. When I first went into the hospital due to bleeding (just a very dramatic bloody show) the midwife was planning on sending me home because I was still so calm. This was until she examined me and realised I was 6 cm. It was a fantastically positive experience, I would do it again tomorrow and I really think the cd had an awful lot to do with it.

I can't remember when I started using it, I think it could have been at around 28 weeks but you need to check as I think there is a recommended starting point.

Also OP the tearing was what worried me most as well. I had a 2nd degree tear, only knew because the midwife told me or I wouldn't have realised. Had two stitches after which i asked 'was that it?' Was not bad at all. If tearing is really worrying you it may be worth considering a water birth if that is an option for you.

Thanks scout, I'll have a look for that one, it sounds like its definitely worth a try.

Another one who recommends hypnobirthing, really helps to keep you focused and not panic. If you want to speak to your midwife about it try to arrange a time outside of your usual antenatal appointments. Ime their clinics are usually so chocca they get you in and out so quickly it's hard to have a decent chat without asking specifically for a different appointment.
In regards to tearing? Honestly, you will feel so numb after baby is out you probably won't notice!
My advice to avoid tearing is to listen to the midwife at the crowning/shoulders stage and push only when they tell you to. My ds was 9lb1oz with a 98th centile head, and I got through with no tears. I was very lucky, but also had a great midwife who slowed me down (I was so impatient I was trying to get him out in one go like you see in films...would've had a huge tear if it was up to me!).

Just to say I had a nice calm elective section with my first and then a vaginal birth with my second. I felt more in control and had a more positive experience with the vaginal delivery, believe it or not. It's a cliché but you need to trust your body to do what it has evolved to do. Animals do this all the time and we are animals too. Media dramatises birth but in fact it is like doing a really big poo when you're so desperate you can't hold it in any more - completely involuntary and in a way it feels really good

Get yourself some support that you feel is actually helping you - perhaps start with a specific appointment with your midwife to discuss this? She'll be used to handling this sort of fear. Talk it through lots and lots.

There's also a lovely book by Ina May Gaskin, the name of which I forget, but I found it inspiring.

Good luck :)

Also re tearing - you won't even notice it happening, really honestly. I had quite a big tear but had no idea until the midwife checked afterwards. It healed fine with no complications and I have had no problems with it since then. You never hear about the straightforward stuff, do you?!

I had a book that really helped me - 'Birth Skills' by a woman called Juju Sundin. Practical stuff about how to cope with contractions and feel in control rather than panicking.

Oh and I'm another who tore, wouldn't have known if I hadn't been told that I had, and it all healed up nicely.

OP I had a 3rd degree tear and didn't feel it beyond the general stinging feeling of crowning (which is over fast, don't worry about it; by the time you are ready to shout bloody hell it hurts they are out!)

If you do tear it happens after hours of labour. I can't really describe it but your body and sensations are not in a normal state. You are full of endorphins (as it's like full on exercise!) and mentally you are in another place to normal.

So if you tear it's in that context and that's why you don't register it happening particularly. It's not like you were to suddenly tear today, now. That would be painful ! But it comes at the end of such a long marathon you barely know what's happening your body is so tired an pumped up.

Don't worry about the birth. It's fine!

Please ignore the male on this thread who is bragging about his wife giving birth without pain relief. There are no medals or prizes for giving birth without pain relief, so look into the options, and use whatever will get you through.

A quick note about the hypnobirthing CDs. There are two terms for it; hypnobirthing is the American term and natal hypnotherapy is the British term. Same thing, but useful to know if you have any opinion on which accent you would rather hear!

I'm now having a fit of doubt. I may have got the terms the wrong way round. More research needed. or not, if you're not bothered

Can you drill down a bit more into what exactly are your fears? Pain, tearing, something going wrong, loss of control, people seeing your bits, etc etc? Then we can suggest coping strategies for each specific thing. Wrt your midwife, just start talking to her - we do only have 15 minutes or so but the next woman will just have to be late! If it's going on too long, she can book you a longer appt the following week or whatever.

Specifically re tearing, try perineal massage, it's googable. Evidence based way to reduce risk of severe tearing.

The thing to hold on to is that is does end, however bad it gets it's over and done with within twenty four hours or so. And normal contractions only last a minute to a minute and a half. You can withstand anything for a minute and a half! And then you get a break. Practice long slow breaths. The first three breaths of a contraction are it building up, then you have two breaths worth of it being the worst, then the next three breaths the contractions is subsiding then gone. 8 slow breaths and it's over. Then drop your shoulders, blow out, relax, sip a drink, get partner to stroke your hair or whatever you like. Forget the contraction. Don't worry about the next one, just be in the moment of relaxation. Approached like that, you can get through anything, should you want to. If you don't want to, then you can make a reasonably relaxed choice about having an epidural! Practice your breathing techniques whilst doing something like a deep squat, it's a good approximation of a contraction. Visualisation helped me too, I breathed my way slowly through contractions imagining I was in the pool of the Tuscan villa we'd been to that summer!

My DH said after my second birth and a doula's attendance that the NCT birthing class should be an introduction, information about how to get a doula and then straight down the pub.

I am fairly much in agreement tbh. The doula was the consistency and able to give the attention to fears and worries in advance and help to plan for them and cope with them. The support was individually tailored to my needs, my personality, my thoughts, my history etc.

I was terrified beyond measure in the run up to my second birth and had no fear at all for my 3rd as I had learned how blimmin easy it was and how to manage both the pain and positioning for an optimal position for least damage. I had no drugs at all. Didn't want them, didn't need them.

So my advice would be to get a doula and if you can get your head round it, opt for a homebirth.

One other piece of information you might find handy. It is worse right now, because you are starting to feel the baby as real, and big and understand that he/she will be coming out of you. However, towards the end of pregnancy your body starts to make hormones that relaxes your muscles and your mind and you start to become a bit fed up with carrying the weight around. The relaxing hormones plus discomfort make you much more amenable to the idea of giving birth.

You poor thing ((hugs)) I have always looked forward to childbirth (have 2 DC) so I can't imagine how you are feeling :( Saying that I was always terrified I wouldn't get to the hospital in time so stayed at home for 2 weeks before just to make sure I was near the hospital.

Firstly, a contraction is like a strong period pain crampy sensation that get more intense as you dilate more. With DC1, I managed the pain from 1-4cm with a tens machine only as it just felt like a normal period. From 4-8cm I was ok with Gas and air. By 8cm I was screaming for an epidural which was given to me straight away.

With DC2 I got to 5cm with no pain relief as the contractions weren't that bad and I was too busy reading a magazine to use the tens machine. From 5-10cm I was on Gas and air. However at the end my contractions were not quick enough so they had to put me on a drip and I screamed they could only do that if they gave me an epidural so I had one.

I am aware every birth story is different, but I hope mine will make you feel a little better :)

I was the same - delayed pregnancy to 39 in most part due to the horror stories people love to regale you with about child birth and children in general.

I'm sitting here now with dd (7 months) and want to reassure you that actually it's fine. Your body knows what to do. That sounds a bit , but actually it does. If you relax, let the contractions flow in a wave down your stomach and use these to push it's fine. It took me a little while to get into the rhythm of it, but once I did I actually enjoyed it. The pain is manageable, and feels sort of normal. Again that sounds , but I don't know how else to describe it.

DD has a massive head so got a bit stuck, so I needed ventouse and a cut. Again, all fine, and healled perfectly.

Don't be scared, just excited. The high you get when you give birth is amazing. It took me weeks to come back down to earth. The whole thing is amazing. Good luck. Enjoy. Congrats on your pregnancy.

I did the natal hypnotherapy CD during my third pregnancy and it helped during my pregnancy and up to a point in labour. I recommend it too. I wish I had had it the other 2 times but I thought it wouldn't help as I wasn't a "hypnotherapy kind of person".

www.natalhypnotherapy.co.uk/index.html

I am sure I looked awful in labour (like the ones you see on TV shouting "I can't do this" "help" - seriously ) but "in" the experience didn't feel as bad as it may have looked (if that makes any sense).

I had an epidural with the first 2 and it was lovely. After it was put in with my first I did Sudoku and read the paper. There is a good list of pain relief descriptions here, I think reading all about these things and then putting them to one side if you can. Just reading a little here and there makes me nervous.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/pain-relief-labour.aspx#Injections

With my first I dreaded giving birth. I was certain my body wouldn't be able to do it and only believed I could because other people told me they had felt the same before they had given birth. Weird as it sounds I was looking forward to the whole experience by number 3 (not just getting to see the baby) and I put this in part down to the CD. I have a low pain threshold and positive experience of epidurals but in the end did without. He was 10 pounds 6 oz.

I'm sure hypnobirth classes would really help you OP. Have a google and see what is available in your area.

It's normal to feel anxious as you're about to go through something you've never experienced before. It may help if you read up as much as you can on all the varying pain relief options and hypnobirtjing etc so that you can make some informed decisions and choices about what you want and don't want. Do not allow these wants or don't wants to be set in stone though. Things can go wrong or not to plan during childbirth and ultimately the important thing is that you and your baby are safe.

I was fortunate in that our initial nct teacher went through all pain relief options but then when I did a subsequent course ( we'd moved areas so wanted to make new friends) they weren't quite so open to the idea of pain relief. Whatever you choose, do not make anyone make you feel bad about your choices. As someone else said there are no medals for going through childbirth with no pain relief. If the baby's in an awkward position then you are likely to need some.

Does your hospital offer visits to the labour ward? By getting a feel for the place and seeing all the equipment might mean you are less anxious when you go in to give birth. Or have you considered a home birth?

What are your dh/dp feelings about everything?

Wrt to a section, I chose to have an elective with my third. My initial consultant refused but I found someone else who was more than happy with my reasons for wanting one.

I don't particularly like needles especially in my back but it literally takes seconds for the injection of local anaesthetic to be given and then you don't feel anything. If you need a catheter it's because you have an epidural in so you won't feel a thing having one put in.

As others have said, the stuff you see on tv is made that way for good viewing. It's not that indicative of real life. I shouted a lot during my deliveries but I tend to be fairly vocal anyway so I was never going to be someone that did it all calmly and quietly. Everyone has different experiences and no 2 births are the same. Even my 2 vaginal births were different (dd1 was back to back so it was a long painful birth whereas dd2 was in a good position so much easier).

Try and talk to your midwife to get impartial advice and make decisions that are right for you.