absolutely terrified...

[MrsPatMustard]

I'm sure this is a topic that gets raised all the time, but I'm currently 25+4 with DC1 and I'm utterly petrified of childbirth. I've postponed pregnancy deliberately for years (I'm 39) because I'm totally freaked out by it. I've signed up to NCT relaxation/breathe classes to try and prep myself but, whilst the other women in the class seem to be fairly calm, I don't think it's helping at all. The course leader asks us to visualise a contraction and even thinking about it makes me feel panicky...

NCT seems to spend all the time convincing you that it's going to be a calming beautiful experience but all I can think of are those horrendous childbirth films they show you in school. None of the women in those films looked like they were finding it especially calming!

The things that are particularly stressing me are the thought of tearing whilst the baby comes out. I'd opt for an elective caesarian but I'm also terrified of the idea of an injection into my spine, not to mention the thought of catheters...

I feel such a coward. But I'm already at the point of crying every time I think about labour and I'm having nightmares.

Has anyone else been through this and can anyone offer any suggestions for coping with the fear and trying to minimise the stress? Especially would appreciate thoughts on different pain relief options - since NCT barely seem to talk about this...

mellicauli I can also recommend a healthy dose of denial!

Op, remember that by 40w you will be desperate to not be pg anymore. You will dream of seeing your feet, of being able to sit/sleep comfortably, of going up the stairs without feeling like you have run a marathon. This will help counteract your fear of childbirth!

sorry you feel like this. I was going to say I could be you but I actually did want a section so there isn't even a more acceptable option for you. speak to your midwife. counselling is available, and the professionals are there to help and advise. really feel for you as I know how petrified I was. I did get the birth I wanted so I know that helps but I do have to tell you it was all ok!

ps the spinal thing doesnt hurt at all and I am a wimp.

I had a vision of the point when my baby, my DH and I would all be together after the birth. I didn't know how we would get there or what I would feel like, but I did know that even if I had a section, or the baby or I needed help after the birth, at some point(even if it was a day later) we'd all be together having a cuddle. So whenever I felt anxious I looked forward to that point instead.

When it came, I had a short straightforward delivery which didn't require pain relief (I'm not superhuman I just got lucky and planning for pain relief is very wise!) and 30 mins afterwards DD and I were snuggled up having a first breastfeed and I heard a rustling noise and looked over to see DH tucking into a Ginster's.

Brings a tear to my eye even now.

That will happen to you too. Eyes on the prize. But pack two pasties.

(Sorry - I mean the cuddling obviously, not nec the short straightforward delivery, though obviously I very much hope it does. Your fears are sensible and deserve to be taken seriously. Break them down and talk about how they can be addressed with your midwife now.)

mellicauli "99.9% of women get through it just fine"

Erm, not even close. If only that were true

how to fight the fear?

in one word : epidural!

in many words: you've got to do it! so you might as well try to be strong about it.

I was the same as you, Mrs Mustard (love the Fr Ted reference...) and was very wary of getting pregnant and giving birth. I used to get extremely anxious any time childbirth scenes cropped up in films or when other women talked about their birth experience.

Then I had a natural miscarriage at 11 weeks as my first pregnancy. The pain of that was really really horrendous and walking away from the hospital after all that pain with nothing to show for it was so sad. That actually completely changed my view of childbirth and I thought, yes, it's painful, it might be agony for a few hours out of the whole process but at least you (hopefully) get a baby at the end of it and you have all the happy years ahead of you as a mother.

And that was exactly how my birth was. A lot of things went awry and not as I would have hoped but my son was born healthy. At one point I do remember being almost comatose, roaring with pain because my son got stuck on his way down and his head was large but then I got an epidural and felt fine after that. I barely felt the epidural at all by the way and you can't see them putting it in or anything.

Either way, you do get over the pain and any scars or incisions do heal. Childbirth is definitely not the worst thing in the world although I know it seems impossible before you've been through it. There are worse kinds of pain - at least childbirth has a purpose and an endpoint!

Check if you can have a water birth. I started one and it was fantastic.

Yes, I screamed, a lot. But it was also a kind if "out if body" experience as it can't be compared to anything else.

Keep your mind open and accept help when offered. I loved my NCT class as it gave a lot more information than the hospital one but they can be a bit ott. Take what you think good for you from all sides.

It may end very different to what you think, good or bad. There is nothing like the "perfect" birth as everybody is different and babies don't think about what we want.

Dashing off to work so don't have time to read all the replies but OP you have my huge sympathy.
Like you you put off the baby thing for years because I was so scared.

This will go massively against the whole hypno-birthing, you'll-be-fine-once-it-begins line (which I know is absolutely true for many women) but in my case it was such a phobia that I decided to have an elective CS. It took a few conversations with an ob/gyn for them to be convinced that I was in a real state about it.

I know you're saying you also have a fear of the spinal injection and if you're also feeling phobic about that then nothing I can say will help, but that honestly was absolutely fine, I felt in great hands.

CS was big surgery, not an 'easy' option by any means, recovery is hard and I often look at friends who had vaginal birth and wish my tummy had gone back to normal the way theirs have but there was just no way I could have done it. I managed ot enjoy my pregnancy once I had the CS agreed and the date in the diary!! I would have been a blubbing mess without that and I honestly think the stress would have been bad for the baby.

PM me if you need any further chatting - phobia of birth is a real thing!!! I wish I could be merely apprehensive or even just rationally, normally 'scared' like most women I know (in all honesty I don't know anyone who was actually relishing the prospect of childbirth but I know there must be some who do) but I just wasn't. I imagined every single worst case scenario, and then some...

I've not read the full thread so apologies if I repeat anything.
I was also petrified of giving birth - even around my EDD I was the only one from my antenatal class who was happy to remain pg! I've since been told the more scared you are, the more your body tenses up & therefore labour is slower & you feel more pain. I won't mention how long my labour lasted!
However it can't have been that bad as I did go on to have dc2.
I read the hypno birthing book but didn't actually do the hypno stuff once labour began. The most helpful book I got was 'Stand and Deliver & other brilliant ways to give birth' which has loads of positive birth stories - it really helped put me at ease & I'd highly recommend it brilliant book
My Second time was a hugely positive experience as I was no longer scared - I don't remember any pain at all, just a hugely empowering experience.
Good luck!

Try reading up on the actual processes of birth and what your body is actually trying to do, it helps me enormously, there is evidence that fear increases the amount of pain you feel, if you are able to control the fear you will have a more manageable birth. Knowledge is power!

I'm 34 weeks with my first, and nervous too, but pregnancy yoga and hypnobirthing techniques, plus getting as much knowledge and control over my birth as I can is helping me control my anxiety. Try reading the kindle book below about 'Painfree Birth' (I know but we can live in hope!) It's written by a midwife from Manchester and isn't woo at all. She explains the mechanisms of birth, muscles etc, in a way that you can understand how managing your fear can help you manage the pain.

Remember, your body was made to do this, mother nature has provided everything you need to do it (more than once too)!

Chin up OP. :)

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00CSTZIL2/ref=oh_d__o09_details_o09__i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Love your post fourkisses. I want to feel empowered too! Just ordered Stand and Deliver on your recommendation :)

Albie I hope you find it as helpful as I did. Looks like we both believe fear isn't good for pain management! That book you recommended looks good too.
Have you read any of the positive birth stories on MN too?

The best thing someone with a phobia of birth can do is to avoid NCT entirely. They are so far gone into the whole idea of "birth is beautiful" that they are of absolutely no help to someone with a genuine phobia.

You don't need to be around people who are effectively dismissing or trivialising your fear and brainwashing you into avoiding pain relief. You also don't need to be around other women who will most likely not identify with how you feel and therefore make you feel even more isolated than you already are.

The classes are useless for someone in your position. Research online, read some books and speak to people you can trust. Then decide the kind of birth that will help you get through it (be it a waterbirth or an elective c-section) and start making efforts to work towards it.

And PLEASE don't buy into the idea of "fear causes pain". Childbirth" causes pain. The little human exiting a tiny hole is what causes pain and it is not your fault that it hurts^. People don't realise how damaging the notion of fear causing pain can be. It makes women with tokophobia feel like their horrible birth experience is their fault- whereas that isn't true at all.

French, fear can make what might ordinarily be a entirely copable-with pain turn into one that is not.

There is no 'buying in' to this idea, it is a fact demonstrated by science.

As a soon-to-be mother it is wise to ensure that you have available to you the full range of internal resources that you need to cope with childbirth because there are very little true pain-relief options and an epidural can be either unavailable or a failure.

Believing in and planning for an epidural that is not forthcoming or effective has the potential to leave a woman with severe PTSD.

OP, Learn all you can about the physiological process of birth. What muscles are doing what, how and why. Learn of breathing, of relaxing into it and above all optimal positioning during labour as well as birth. This will give you the best chance of a manageable birth with the least damage or prolonged labour.

And get a doula to support you and remind you of these things.

I'm not a fan of the NCT for a variety of reasons but if your experience is as you say OP then you are probably justified in complaining as they are 'supposed' to be about empowering women to get the birth that they need, without any prejudgements about what that might look like.

Long time ago for me, but I was petrified too. But I went to a good hospital, requested an epidural, which truthfully was not painful or scary, and was 100% effective - I felt no pain whatsoever, just a few uncomfortable (not agonising) contractions just near end.

If I managed it without trauma anyone can, believe me!

Quite honestly, personally I've never understood why everyone doesn't choose the epidural route. Didn't even know that there were hospitals which didn't offer it or that it sometimes failed. Must check what the evidence base for that statement is.

I have never been and am not a fan of the NCT - though I'm sure many would disagree. I agree with frenchfleurs. I didn't bother with their classes and there's even less need to now if you don't want to than in my day, as there are so many other sources of information.

Very best wishes.

good luck with your birth!

For every woman with a bad story, there's one with a good story.

Keep open to the possibility that you may be lucky, as I was, despite having felt much like you xx

I feel for you I really do!
say to your midwife!

I had a tricky labour with DS1 and was petrified when pregnant with DS2. I spoke to her and she arranged a therapy session with a person trained in birthing fears. I was requesting a section and afterwards I was actually looking forward to it.
hobo burying techniques such as the rainbow technique also helped me.

sounds like a bunch of hoo haa but it helped me & I had a fantastic calm birth:)

OP: I had what was on paper quite a bad birth. But I didn't feel the episotomy when it happened, the instrumental bits were unpleasant but bearable, and the hour+ of pushing I can barely remember. I definitely said I couldn't do it at one point, but DS is here.

Have you ever done any endurance-type activities? I remember labour as being like the long walk down from a mountain when everything is aching but giving up isn't an option. Not to say it needs preparing for that way, just that was the mindset I got into, especially for the pushing stage. I just accepted that it had to be done and that every contraction was one less to go.

Oh and I had an epidural to get a few hours sleep as I'd been induced starting 3 days earlier. It really worked for me, and I disputed the "cascade of intervention" at least in my case: with hindsight I think the reason I needed to be induced made the birth more problematic, not the interventions that got me to the birth.

Have a chat with your midwife though, just bring it up. I used to go to every appointment with a list of questions on a post-it on my notes. She would pull it off and we would talk though them (and I'd mostly get a quick piece of reassurance/advice).

Hello
This could have been written by me. Before I had our first ds i was happy to be childless just to avoid the pain of childbirth. However i now have two gorgeous ds both completely different birth experiences, first was a very medicalised birth second no pain relief very quick & my worset nightmare. However i had to trust the midwife & drs who where fantastic. You are strong enough to do this, explore your options & talk to your midwife. Once your precious baby arrives you will not remember the pain, i never believed this but your baby makes it all worth while. Goodluck!!!

I was terrified too, thanks to those films and too much history study. The pain is different for everyone, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it not much worse than period pains until the last couple of hours.
Ok after that it did get worse, but by then I knew I was nearly there.
I didn't like the sound of any of the really good pain relief - even 1 in a million chance of paralysis with epidural was too much for me, and pethidine affects the baby - but I found a water birth quite helpful. Laughing gas numbed the passing of time, and my sense of reality too! There's a lot of info at www.babycentre.co.uk/c25004189/pain-relief-in-labour if you haven't already found it.

Hypnobirthing

Must admit, I found gas and air did zero for me. It was absolutely useless. My most painfree (to the point I was drinking a cup of tea as I GAVE BIRTH!) labour was with an epidural. That was a breeze.

I laboured unusually fast (67 minute labour with child 1, 21 mins with child 2) and before I had a child I too was terrified of pain - and phobic about hospitals. But going through it and being in hospital soon cured me of that!