absolutely terrified...

[MrsPatMustard]

I'm sure this is a topic that gets raised all the time, but I'm currently 25+4 with DC1 and I'm utterly petrified of childbirth. I've postponed pregnancy deliberately for years (I'm 39) because I'm totally freaked out by it. I've signed up to NCT relaxation/breathe classes to try and prep myself but, whilst the other women in the class seem to be fairly calm, I don't think it's helping at all. The course leader asks us to visualise a contraction and even thinking about it makes me feel panicky...

NCT seems to spend all the time convincing you that it's going to be a calming beautiful experience but all I can think of are those horrendous childbirth films they show you in school. None of the women in those films looked like they were finding it especially calming!

The things that are particularly stressing me are the thought of tearing whilst the baby comes out. I'd opt for an elective caesarian but I'm also terrified of the idea of an injection into my spine, not to mention the thought of catheters...

I feel such a coward. But I'm already at the point of crying every time I think about labour and I'm having nightmares.

Has anyone else been through this and can anyone offer any suggestions for coping with the fear and trying to minimise the stress? Especially would appreciate thoughts on different pain relief options - since NCT barely seem to talk about this...

Oh....and I agree it may be worth looking for a doula too x

I was you. The only thing that made me feel better was getting my consultant to agree to an ELCS. Yes, it was a scary thought but the idea of vaginal delivery was SO much more frightening that the thought of an ELCS paled into insignificance. If you do decide to go this route then I can categorically assure you that you don't feel the catheter at all, as it's put in after the epidural. And the epidural itself isn't painful at all - just a little local anaesthetic and then you won't notice a thing.

I'd suggest asking for a midwife appointment that isn't one of the routine ones, so there's nothing else to discuss except this issue.

Another vote here for a doula. I had one for both my DDs' births and she was wonderful and made a huge difference. She was also supportive in the run up to the birth as I could discuss my concerns with her. Check out www.nurturingbirth.co.uk (there are other doula websites too, that's just one I know about). Good luck.

You may be argue for c section on the basis of fear of childbirth. the spinal really isn't that bad. I was dreading the needle in my back more than anything but it was fine - indeed quick and insignificant after all the anticipation. The nurses and anaesthetist were good at putting me at ease.
Good luck X

How about looking into getting a doulah? Best £300 I ever spent! Interview carefully though to make sure that the person you get will absolutely be there for you and do what YOU want if that includes medical pain relief as some are vvvv into the whole natural childbirth thing. I found that I felt SAFE being with someone who had been through the whole thing a zillion times before, including having her own kids, knew what was normal and what was not, and was able and willing to act as an advocate on my behalf alongside my partner should I need it. That really helped

Don't forget that you are not in this alone .Your baby knows how to be born. This birth is teamwork between you both.

Your body over the last 9 months has miraculously created another human.... surely you can trust it to complete the job with a successfull birth.

The secret to a good birth is trust. Trust yourself, trust your baby and trust your body, try to relax into the pain with the knowledge that what's happening is a natural process we are perfectly designed for.

Explain your fears about tearing and Listen carefully to what the midwife says on the last few pushes. She will guide you. I didn't do this with my first, gave an almighty last push and tore.. With my second I really paid attention and managed to ease off the pushing as the head came out and didn't rip at all .

Hope you have a beautiful birthing experience !

I have tokophobia and I never had any intention of forcing myself to view childbirth positively.

Let's face facts. It's painful and can result in some serious complications. I don't think it's abnormal to fear it I would say it's abnormal to not fear it!!

For me the fear wasn't about the pain alone (although that was a huge part). I was terrified of the uncertainty, the invasive procedures and the possible long term repercussions such as tearing, incontinence etc.

I refused to get pregnant until I was guaranteed an ELCS. This is 2013 and women have every right to decide which risks they will and will not take when it comes to their bodies. Women being denied pain relief and elective caesarians is absolutely appalling and I urge all you ladies in that situation to fight harder.

I am shocked that a 39 year old woman carrying twins has been denied a c-section. I am certainly not implying that everyone who is 35+ and carrying twins should have a c-section, but advanced maternal age and multiple pregnancies both do increase the risk of complications as it is. Add to that an anxious mother who wants a c-section, and I can't understand how they have a right to refuse.

The idea of pain relief did little to comfort me because I wasn't interested in things like gas and air or breathing exercises. I have a low threshold of pain and I like to get straight to the stuff that works so I was only interested in an epidural. Unfortunately, most hospitals will not guarantee an epidural. They always have an excuse- it's too early, it's too late, everyone's busy, you're doing so well without it blah blah blah.

The idea of pain relief is hardly a comfort because there is no guarantee that it will be provided.

I don't know what to tell you since you are also afraid of the needle in your spine and the catheter...

I personally much preferred the idea of a caesarian to a vaginal birth and that is why I insisted and insisted till I got one.

If you can afford it, you can consider going private just for the delivery. That way you will be guaranteed a pleasant experience. The NHS maternity services are hardly comforting to someone with a fear of childbirth. You will not be taken seriously and will be told to get over it.

OP, I too was absolutely terrified. I won't bore you with the story but what helped me was the gas and air and the injection of Pethidine I was given, - amazing stuff and helped me cope better. I really resisted the feeling of it at first but then decided it was just like having had rather a lot of whisky and that's never bothered me before ;-) To add to what others have said, the experience of having your baby IS totally worth it but that does not take away one bit from what you are going through, it is perfectly valid to feel scared. Do make sure you tell your midwives you feel this way, I had one midwife in particular who was so lovely and really helped me with my anxiety.

I also want to mention here that every woman is anxious to some extent and this is why women with a crippling and serious fear are often dismissed.

Op, if you feel that your fear is serious and is taking over your life, then you have to seek help and you have to fight for the birth experience that will make you relax and cope better.

Hello MrsP. I think a lot of us relate. I guess, I'd add two things. Don't ignore your fear (all credit to you for posting it) and find someone you trust to help. Be as forceful as you need to be for your midwife to listen to your concerns and take them seriously - don't be fobbed off because you are too polite. And seek other routes - talk to friends, doulas, etc. my expectation was transformed by the sister of a friend with three who said 'you must be so excited it's nearly time to have your baby, this is going to be the best day of your life'. I thought she was bloody nuts at first but her words slowly sunk in. She encouraged me to read New Active Birth by Janet Balaskas which I'd previously been too scared to even open but then really found helpful and calming. The conversation and some follow ups changed my expectation and, I think, the experience. Good luck. Twins: how wonderful.

You poor thing, it must be awful feeling so anxious :(

My policy when I was pregnant was to do as little research as possible, no hypnobirthing course, no visulising, no looking around the ward. I felt that the birth was inevitable and any preperation I did would not make much difference anyway so it was best not to scare myself.

My birth really was an amazing experience, I had gas and air (which is fab!) and a mobile epidural (it didn't numb me so I could still walk about which was really important as once I was in labour I had a huge drive inside me not to lie in bed I needed to be moving about.) I didn't even feel the needle (thanks gas and air!.)

My periods are more painfull that the birth was and my ds was 10 pounds. I feel envious whan my friends are in the last stages of pregnancy as giving birth was so amazing. I didn't have a calm natural water birth bit it was still amazing.

Best of luck :)

I've given birth twice, both entirely different experiences. I will be totally honest with you, I was more scared the second time because I knew how painful it really was. I have a low pain threshold and I had the same fears about needles and horror stories of epidurals. I am a control freak and hated the idea of being out of control.

What I found helped massively the first time was visiting the hospital at my antenatal classes and seeing the labour ward, researching all pain relief options and what can happen and why. Also, the knowledge and belief that the midwives knew what they were doing and to trust whatever they advised.

With my first birth I had TENs machine, then gas and air in the pool, then gas and air on the bed whilst pushing. With my second I insisted on an epidural before the drip for induction was put in - I was actually relieved I had the option and determination to insist on it - I kept saying "I've done this before, it hurt like hell, if I don't have to feel the pain again this time, then I won't". I wasn't going to take no for an answer! The second birth was so relaxing as I really felt no pain. The epidural was scary but it was worth it for me.

I hope my experiences help in some way, if anything I can't believe I was so against epidurals with my first birth. I was so exhausted and stunned with the experience I felt I missed out on enjoying my newborn as much as I could have done as I just had no energy left. With my second, I was so alert afterwards as it all was so much easier and I really appreciated it.

I felt exactly the same. Have birth via elcs 6 weeks ago. The spinal block I did not feel as had local risk.

The catheter was the best bit for me!

After getting up to pee 9 times(yes 9) in the night, it was such a relief not to have to.

People can bang on about how amazing and natural childbirth is, I didn't feel like that, it was a means to an end.

I agree with FrenchFleurs. I have emetophobia (a fear of being sick) and was petrified of pregnancy and labour for this reason. I saw a consultant that agreed to give me an anti-emetic at the onset of labour and the relief of knowing I had that was immense.

Please talk to your MW about your fears, try to think of things that would help you. I found the hypnobirthing really lovely, it used to help me sleep . Wouls you like to have it stated on your birth plan that you would need an epidural asap? Just knowing that that was in place may allow you to feel calmer.

FWIW, the pain of contractions is powerful but is so very different to any other pain. I was excited at the same time as I knew that I wouldn't be pregnant for much longer would have my baby soon. I read as much as I could about the different stages of labour and birth so I understood what my body was doing and why. I found the knowledge empowering.

Haven't read the whole thread but I found a hypno CD brilliant. I had an emergency section with my first and used the CD to prepare myself for a natural birth for my second... I had my second child with just gas and air using the breathing techniques I'd learnt... I can find out which one I used if you want to try?

Just came across this on HuffPo and thought of you as she has trips. V American, abt unsolicited advice on motherhood. Sorry if it makes you taste sick in your mouth but maybe interesting/slightly relevant. Or not. I like her pre and post Oz Dorothy:

I was in a waiting room during my triplet pregnancy waiting to see a chiropractor for my tension headaches. There was a new mom there with a tiny and fresh newborn. I was on one side of the fence, like I was black-and-white like pre-OZ Dorothy, and she was color like post-OZ Dorothy (well, those color assignments depend on the day, really ... and as we talked about her new baby and my babies on the way, she looked at me and said, "After you have a baby, you truly discover that you are a superhuman."

Three and a half years later, I get this. Yes. Yes I am superhuman. Every day, I grow back the limbs I lost the day before in battle. And I get back up with amnesia of the words exchanged at bed time. I function on next to no sleep or mental rest. I act calm when lips split open and kids spike fevers. I smile and cry and push past the fears and evils lurking everywhere. And I admit I can't do it all and try anyway. In the moment I often doubt myself and feel like I'm climbing a mountain that is too steep and long for my body and mind, but then all of a sudden I summit and look back and think, Dang, who was that girl that conquered that impossible mission (sometimes the mission is five minutes of trying to brush three mouths of teeth or one minute of three granola bars opened the wrong way)? Oh yeah, it was me, the mom. The superhuman.

some good advice already here OP - i would save this page and read it daily

for me:

• GRAVITY helps - the day of birth i hardly sat down, i walked to library, supermarket, home again, gravity is your best friend

• RASPBERRY leaf tablets from 37weeks - this 'ripens' the cervix, a huge muscle which if ripened will become more flexible during labour. Apparently. and it worked for me.

• Paracetamol in the car on way to hospital

• hot shower once in hospital - forget anyone seeing you naked, they see it umpteen times a day

• when the 'urge to push' comes, you will feel a heaviness in your foofoo get out of the shower, tell midwife you need to push - (as another poster said, it feels like wanting to do a huge poo) - for me, i then got on all fours, why i dont know. instincts kicked in and I became like a tigress in the wild, protective of my body, my baby, and energized to get baby out with midwife's help.

• use your voice in labour, to let staff know what you are feeling, what you need, when another contraction is coming, they will listen & say really encouraging words back to you to sustain you

• contractions - initially, they are like period cramps. then come then they go. they come again, they go. i was told to imagine them like waves washing over me.

• tearing - i tore, but it was a sting that lasted 4 seconds as baby crowned.

during stitching, i had so much oxytocin love hormone flowing through me i felt nothing, they numb the area prior to stitching, and you get to cuddle your baby while they do it. you are so overcome with the baby and what you have just done that stitches come low down the list of priorities. Afterwards they healed within 2-3 weeks, they dissolve naturally, (keep the area clean, several times a day, spray with a mix of witchhazel and water keep it by the loo)

I KNOW that fear you talk about, i had it in spades.

But as someone else said, once you get to 36/37 weeks, somehow the body starts preparing itself not just physically with the cervix dilating etc but mentally you become that cavewoman, strong and capable of getting your baby out safely and confidently.

Something happens to mind, body and soul in those last weeks, i'm sure loads has been written about it somewhere. it is amazing.

sorry for the long post. holding your hand OP.

I missed out on so much of the pleasure of my 2nd pregnancy because I worried so much about labour having had a tough time the first time around. I completely buried my head in the sand and only started planning for a positive birth experience at about 34 weeks, so it's not too late. I set about trying to generate enthusiasm and positive anticipation by re-educating myself with new stories of birth. I revisited a great dvd called Orgasmic Birth (available online), featuring something like 12 couples birthing their babies very naturally and positively. I also re-read two books by Ina May Gaskin, Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, which reignited my enthusiasm and hope. The things which made a huge difference in the end were, as Starlight said, I decided to try to have a homebirth, (although I would have been happy to transfer to hospital if necessary, of course). Being at home meant that I felt so much more relaxed, and once the midwives arrived the atmosphere was one of a very laid back, if slightly messy, party in the kitchen, where DD2 was born. I didn't have a doula, which I'm sure would have been very helpful, but accepted the offer of a totally brilliant student midwife to attend my birth. She had handled my caseload during antenatal appointments so was familiar to me and promised she would drop everything to come to my side, which she did. I also borrowed some hypnobirthing stuff from a friend and looked up a few hypnobirthing instructional clips on YouTube, to make sure I was doing it right, in the absence of a real life instructor. Fantastic stuff! Actually, I found YouTube to be an excellent resource for seeing the kind of births I thought I might like to experience. My favourite, which became a kind of visual mantra during the last two months (I just kept playing the clip in my head whenever I felt worried), can be found by searching for "She Birth Herselves at home" (odd spelling, but I think it might be a Dutch clip). I could go on, I really empathise with you, and I wish you a safe and positive birth experience. The very best of luck!

The first friend in my circle of friends who was pregnant, was asked the following by another friend: "how does it feel being 8 months pregnant? does it feel like being in a plane and knowing you will crash?"
For years and years my husband and I giggled over the insensitivity of that question - that was until I was pregnant - it DID feel like I was in the plane, on my own, my husband and the medical staff were all in the tower and giving me instructions and helpful advice to land the plane - but they were on the ground and I was in the f*ing plane! And I was going to crash!
anyway - I didn't! I found birth (twice) difficult, painful etc but at the same time a very interesting feeling - I felt totally removed from my body: I was clueless, but my body knew exactly what to do.
what helped me during the birth was when my husband counted down from 100 whenever I had a contraction - it somehow gave me structure and it didn't feel like an uncontrollable pain - it just felt like with every number he said it was closer to the pain being over.
Best of luck - your body will know what to do - you don't need to know everything. Big hug.

When I got pregnant with ds1 I felt like this - all I could think about was locking myself in the downstairs loo in labour. I did hypnobirthing and decided I needed to be in control so planned a home water birth and the whole thing went exactly as I wanted/planned it. I am now pretty evangelical about it and a complete convert - I've had 3 dc's and would gladly go through labour again. It is hard work but you can have a positive birth, any way that suits you.

Thanks all. Don't really have any women in my family i can talk to about this, so your support does help. It's nice to feel so many people are mentally holding my hand.

One of the previous posters asked specifically what it was the scared me, I think it's the pain, and something going wrong like the baby getting stuck (he's a big baby so far.) That and the the sense of the unknown - everybody's labour seems so different and just not knowing what's ahead makes me feel really unsettled.

I think I'm also a bit nervous about the hospital too. I have friends who work in our local NHS hospital too and know that it is often very short-staffed. I'm scared of a scenario where the midwife is running frantically between several rooms and we're left alone for too long.

But there has been some great advice on here. I will definitely act on it.

My approach was complete denial: there is no point thinking about it or worrying about it because it is not something you can control. Therefore every time you think about it tell yourself that 99.99% of women get through the experience just fine and why should you be any different? Then force yourself to stop thinking about it. If your mind wanders back, just tell yourself this is not something within your control, so you refuse to think about it and you will just let it happen to you. Go watch some mindless TV to take your mind off it.

I know how you feel OP. I had a total fear of hospitals/needles/operations.

Luckily for me, I had two easy'ish births. I chose a MW led unit, with no doctors/operating facilities nearby. It was a risk that paid off, as I was able to have a very un-hospital-like experience iyswim.

I had no pain relief other than G&A, due to my fear of needles! Had some stitches but hardly noticed.

Try to find solutions for the things you are most worried about. Be honest with MW and make things as clear as possible on birth plan.