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Childbirth

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Original poster

OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

514 replies

Highlander · 14/02/2006 11:39

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

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Normsnockers · 15/02/2006 17:04

Message withdrawn

Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 17:06

I didn't "get aggressive" or "demand special treatment". Some treatment would have been nice though. It was my son's paediatrician who noticed that if I didn't get a blood transfusion I was going to collapse. The midwives were bone idle nasty bitches. The reason I wanted DH there was because he was the only one doing any basic nursing and I was helpless without him - couldn't go to the loo, get myself any food, turn over in bed. Not to mention the fact that our child was fighting for his life and his father didn't really want to be 10 miles away with no car. I can't agree with those here who feel that forcibly separating married couples and families in a time ofo crisis is the right thing to do.

paolosgirl · 15/02/2006 17:08

She may get a single room, if there is one free - but if there is someone already in there, they are hardly going to chuck them out - even if it is for a consultant and his wife [eyes rolled heavenward emoticon]

Normsnockers · 15/02/2006 17:10

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 15/02/2006 17:13

I got one both times, paolo. Just luck, I guess - now, about that damn Lotto . . .

But tbh, I found 'em kind of lonely. I'd walk up and down the corridor and the midwives would tell me off for doing too much. But that's what I'm like, me, always gettin' in trouble .

paolosgirl · 15/02/2006 17:16

D'you know - I can kind of understand the solicitor thing more. It might have been his way of saying "do not get this wrong" and trying to put the fear of God into the staff - although that is not a justification in any way.

However, this attitude of "he will stay because he's a consultant" is very irritating. Go private if you don't like it.

Philly · 15/02/2006 17:16

That works both ways though,when ds2
was born the consultant came ointo see me quote "inview of your proffessions"couldn't work out what he was talking about until saw notes with big red ring around dh's profession "solicitor",he does did biotech funding FGS .The same thing happened when ds1 was born by C section they weer obsessed with the fact that he was a lawyer...I was horrified presunably if he had worked in the local malt factory the Consultant wouldn't have bothered to see him.

That said I had fantastic care all three times and the midwives were fantastic if very overworked nad we also have quite a few friends who are consultants and they are lovely so not a personal criticism just a comment on society I suppose

Moomin · 15/02/2006 17:19

i don't think anyone's having a go at you, Greensleeves and you've obviously got terrible memories of your experience. we can only speak as we find... you had an horrendous time.

I'm assuming though that highlander is just assuming she'll get rough treatment or will have a terrible time if her dh isn't with her and that might not be the case at all. But if highlander is that anxious then she probably will have an awful time. Maybe some counselling might be a good idea, or just a chat with the ward staff / midwives? Many staff are sympathetic if they know in advance that a patient has issues with being in hospital. I made sure everyone knew i felt like a wreck 2nd time round and they were lovely with me.

for most cases, it really isn't necessary for couples to stay together in hospital, IMO. It would be lovely if we could have our families with us and we all had separate ensuite rooms, but this is the NHS we're talking about. If it's so much of a problem, go the private route.

paolosgirl · 15/02/2006 17:21

Excellent post, Moomin - well said.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2006 17:22

Exactly, Moomin! That's why I suggested seeing a counsellor or consultant, b/c anxiety can be managed very well.

For me at least, it's been a hallmark of my PND. I'm pretty good about internalising it, tho. I can even hide panic attacks from others quite well.

jenkel · 15/02/2006 17:46

I guess if you are in private rooms its not that much of an issue but I certainly would not have liked to share my ward with men and women and I would imagine that lots of women feel the same way as me, I would feel very uncomfortable with other men on the ward. The first time I stayed in one night and the second time I was out the same day, I really hated hopstials.

Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 18:17

I don't need counselling to prepare me for separation from my DH when #2 is born, because it shouldn't happen. Fathers have every right to participate in the care of their babies - maybe they do more in the immediate aftermath of birth when mum is sore and exhausted. To be fobbed off as being anxious is silly. Those first 24 hours are the worst - why am I expected to cope on my own? They wouldn't send me home and expect me to cope on my own so why is this the case in hospital?

I'm not looking for "special treatment". I'm demanding that we stay together as a family in those first overwhelming 24 hours. If that means pulling favours then so be it.

DH has found now he's in the policy-making business as a consultant, it's the nurses that hold up or even obstruct patient care.

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Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 18:20

I'm not assuming that I'll get bad treatment from the nurses. I know how overstretched they are; it's actually not their fault if they are expected to care for 30 new mums overnight. I want DH there to pick up the baby as soon as he cries; not have to wait 10 mins with a screaming baby before a nurse arrives, and go through this every hour and a half.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 18:22

Good luck to you if you think the midwives being "overstretched" is the worst problem you're likely to encounter. It certainly wasn't my experience. They were lazy, mean-spirited, stupid, evil hags.

Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 18:23

ssssssshhhh, I was trying to be diplomatic

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 18:24

Oh

sazhig · 15/02/2006 18:24

Been reading this thread with interest & though I'd add my story.

I transferred in from a home birth that didn't progress & ended up having an epi so had to stay in to be monitored for that. We ended up staying for 4 nights as bf went really badly (mainly due to the complete lack of knowledge on the part of the mw's ). DH is very confident and made sure that I got a room to myself as a condition of me staying in. I have no idea if the fact that we wanted a home birth made a difference with that, but if you don't ask then you don't get imo. Partners were not restricted to visiting hours & there was no pressure on dh to leave at any time, although he did go quite quickly as he hadn't had any sleep for a couple of nights (it was a long labour!) & wanted to make sure he was able to help me the next day.

The night I wanted to go home (because they were sabotaging the bf so much) I was persuaded (well bullied it felt like) to stay in so they could test ds' blood sugar & we agreed to do so but only if dh could stay with me. They would've let him sleep in a spare bed, or have the family room, but they were absolutely full that night so he ended up going home v early in the morning anyway - but they were really good about him being there...if you ignore them telling him off for [shock horror!] carrying our baby around instead of wheeling him around in the cot - he basically asked them what they were going to do to stop him & they left him alone after that! He even went out for a pizza for us to eat as of course he didn't get an evening meal - was by far the nicest night I had when I was there.

If I have to be in hospital next time (which I won't be unless one of us is dying ) I will make sure to insist on having the family room if it is available & pack an airbed in my bag in case it isn't available for dh to use so he can be with me. We will basically tell them that he is staying or we will be going home. It really annoys me that birth is no longer a natural process - it has become far too medicalised, so that women are isolated with no family to support them when they need it. We are so vulnerable after giving birth and need to have family & friends around you to help & support you. I nearly ended up throwing ds at the wall after going 6 nights without sleep following his birth - something I know would not have happended had I been at home with family & friends around me

Blu · 15/02/2006 18:25

I was beside myself with lack of sleep, and after the first night, when DS cried all night every 15 mins, and NOBODY HELPED ME I just smuggled DP into my bed and he stayed. But I was in a room on my own, by then (as all people who have CS's are in our local hospital). The second night a nicer mw said DP could stay and got a spare matress for the floor, and he stayed until DS was discharged.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2006 18:27

but you admitted yourself that you're panicking and that your husband is having to try to calm you about this. yet you're not anxious?

there's nothing silly about anxiety! i have had serious problems w/it and it's anything but silly.

quite frankly i find your attitude toward the entire thing arrogant and offensive, and i'm not alone in that sentiment. but i realise it can come across like this when someone is suffering undue anxiety that can result sometimes from pregnancy and childbirth.

Moomin · 15/02/2006 18:37

i wasn't expected to cope on my own after a c-s and i didn't. Dh was there for as long as he could be and the midwives were there when he wasn't. The baby stayed in bed with me for most of the time anyway as we were trying to encourage skin-to-skin contact. It was only the first night i couldn't lift her myself. The next night i could manage just about on my own and tbh it was easier to keep her in with me again for that night.

clearly there are some crap midwives and some brilliant ones (just as there are crap and good consultants ). My local hospital is so overstretched that they closed the antenatal ward at one point and put all the patients on the postnatal wards (separate rooms for those with babies and those still waiting) as there was such a shortage of midwives. but not ONCE did anyone have their call ignored. sure, they may have had to wait for a minute or so but the m/ws were bloody brilliant.

anyway, have you considered private?

Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 18:40

I'm not arrogant and I'm sorry if I offend anyone. DH is calming me by saying that he will stay - he feels that it is his right to be his his baby as well. That's not arrogance.

here's the basic right that I think I'm entitled to:

I'm not a single mother. Bringing up a baby is too big a job to do alone - those first 24 hours can be awful for a new mum - she need people around that she trusts implicityly. (sp sorry)

Bowing out now. Other people's experiences described here are awful and just mkae me more determined to get what I want.

OP posts:
expressmummy · 15/02/2006 18:41

you have to think of the women that will be in there that dont have dh or dp for what ever reason their feelings have to be thought of
im due to have my baby in 24 days and although i would like my dh to stay with me i think that for the above reason one nights not going to hurt

good luck x x x

tamum · 15/02/2006 18:41

I was at the same hospital at expat (well, the old version) and although in principle I agree that it would be nice to have partners there, I also completely agree about not wanting anyone else's. Exactly the same as expat- far too many agitated junkies on the ward during the day, let alone all night. Not an environment in which I would have felt very comfortable all night with a new baby, so it was worth the sacrifice of not having dh there. Anyway, the second time I was more concerned that he got back home to reassure ds.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2006 18:42

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2006 18:44

good for you Highlander
if you want to have your dh stay with you then I don't think that is arrogant or offensive
it ca't be too much to ask for a woman to get something approaching the birth she wants
a woman's birth experience is HUGELY influential on her life and it is only by people standing up for what they think is right that things change
the current birthing environment is NOT ideal
twenty even ten years ago it was WORSE
we are not passengers or patients
we are people

best of luck
HC xx

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