OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

[Highlander]

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

I had a cs in hospital with my dd and partners werent allowed to stay overnight which was fine by me as I just wanted to sleep. The midwives were fantastic and looked after the baby during the night if you were bottle feeding which was fine by me

I think my argument for having my husband there is just as strong as yours against it, though, NN. Fine, you're "not even torn" on the issue - neither am I. Until such time as the NHS maternity system isn't riddled with neglect, poor training, cruelty, corner-cutting, atrocious hygiene and contempt for women and families, I won't feel "torn" either. I was treated like a worthless piece of meat. I am still reeling from being so terrified and in so much pain. During the day, when my husband was there, he washed, fed and comforted me, took me to see my baby, helped me to express milk, changed my bed, helped me to the toilet, lobbied the midwives for pain killers and reminded them to check my blood pressure (212/120 at one point, so it was meant to be checked every hour!)... at night, when he wasn't there, NOBODY did these things. I had to beg for news of my baby by repeatedly pressing the emergency buzzer.

My husband was treated with suspicion and hostility by the staff. They seemed to think there was something weird and perverse about a new father wanting to be with his seriously ill wife and son. When he complained about the shocking way they were treating me they threatened to thrown him out. It wasn't necessary, they were just power-mongering nasty people. It took months before he felt he really had the right to pick his own son up or take part in any decisions about his care. They did that.

I had a horrible first night in hospital and decided at about 2am that I was getting out of there the next morning as soon as I could.

Ds was unsettled and I was absolutely exhausted. Midwives offered to take him from me, but I couldn't bear to hand him over when he was so new. He was crying, I was crying... I just wanted someone who I knew (dh, my mum or even a close friend) to cuddle him while I slept).

I'd definately be up for a 6 hour discharge next time.

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greensleeves that is awful

greensleeves

why the hell are men treated with such suspicion when it comes to caring for their babies/children?

Sorry if I came across a bit strident there[blush.. my anger belongs with those midwives, not anyone on here. I've received lots of lovely support on MN about my birth experience. I agree with your last post Normsnockers, it should be a question of discretion/common sense, and it shouldn't be hard for maternity staff to find a bit of compassion. I don't understand why it is the way it is, really. I do think this question of husbands staying is part of a wider problem - usually the women begging for their dh to stay are the ones who are already being given substandard care in other ways.

greensleeves im a nurse but i have left the profession because of similar things

you must have seen a thing or two!

I first began to read this thread out of curiosty. I haven't had chance to read all of it, but of the bits I have read I feel deeply sad for those on this thread that have been treated so appallingly. It is without a doubt a terrifying time whether the birth was with complications or not. I think Normsnockers has made some very valid points and sensible use of side rooms being one that stands out for me.

It amazes me (may be it shouldn't) the varied care up and down the country that we have all received. But I have been most horrified by Greensleeves traumatic time and like Doormat I would take it further as far as you can go.. your local mp?

For me I hated DH being sent home at 8.30pm (DD arrived at 7.05pm) and I would have given anything for him to stay. I was in a bay with 5 others and it was uncomfortably hot and noisy. DD did not sleep and wanted the boob pretty much every 1.5 - 2 hours and getting less and less satisifed. I found the staff helpful to a point (the juniors being most so) although I felt like they were thinking "these first time mums can't they do anything?". The day staff were very encouraging with brestfeeding but found the night staff very ready to "just give her a little bottle of formula your milk will still come in" This completely contradicted what I had been told by my parenting classes and the day staff! There were side rooms although it was a first come first served basis and you couldn't book one - you could opt to pay for one £40 if they were available.

In the cold light of day nearly three years later I can see that unless the NHS radically changed with single rooms etc then it is better as it is - obviously with exceptions where mother / and or child is ill.

I wouldn't say it was a wonderful experience but not as bad as some - my biggest worry for when I have no2 is the fact they are proposing to close the maternity ward here and the closest hospital (admittadly state of the art womens unit.. but)is approx 50 minutes!

highlander
how are you going to get round the rules?

ERI doesn't offer amenity rooms to hire. it's potluck. i know it's different at some hospitals.

i got private rooms both times by chance.

i didn't like it that DH had to go home, but then again, not all partners are nice and as it's the NHS it has to be a one size fits all, i suppose.

why not hire a maternity nurse or independent midwife?

DH is staying - that's it. There's no getting round "the rules". I'm having a baby, not being sent off to prison. I've not done anything wrong.

Besides, DH is a hospital consultant himself - he knows how to handle nurses and their "protocols".

Yeah, but it's hospital policy. What if they call security ?!

highlander, thats not fair on the other mothers

np has said what I was thinking.

at "hes a consultant and he knows how to handle nurses and their protocols"

consultants are the ones who make the protocols after all

gosh this is difficult isn't it and i don't want to take away any of the anxieties you must be feeling... but i promise i'm on the borderline of being hospital-phobic and for both pgs have had to spend the last few weeks of the pg in hospital before having elective c-sections. The first time i went in i cried myself silly all day and all night, wouldn't speak to anyone on the ward, felt aggressive and completely miserable. Looking back now i can see that i was a complete PITA, although i had my reasons. But there were loads of women on the antenatal ward who were there because their or their baby's luves were in danger and they just had to put up with it. eventually i realised this and although i can't say that i enjoyed it, i got on with it and it made my life a bit easier not being so hysterical all the time.

this time round i had dd1 to worry about being away from as well as dh and, yes, i was very very upset. But again, i just accepted that it was for my own good and got on with it. The m/ws were fantastic - completely overworked and hassled but really fantastic. they let dh saty as long as was possible and bent some rules for me on antenatal. On post natal though the rules were rigidly stuck to and I'm glad, when i saw what chaos it was on the ward with visitors and deliveries at 3am and babies crying all night long, etc.

I can just imagine what i would have felt if there had been another mum on my ward getting agressive with the midwives and insisting she get special treatment. I agree some rules are very jobsworth but i do also believe that many protocols on postnatal are there for the good of the mums and babies. it's not forever. sorry to sound unsympathetic but if i can do it anyone can, i'm a complete wimp without dh.

lives

I wouldn't have expected it! Crikey - I wouldn't have wanted 3 other strange blokes sleeping in the same 4-bedded ward while I was trying to get both of mine latched on.

I think you'll have to pay and go private if it means so much to you. Surprised your DH didn't know that most hospitals don't allow it.

Highlander
NO offense meant, but I really think you should see a counsellor or consultant before you deliver. I know you're anxious, it's only natural, but like me, you've had PND like me in the past. I have it again this time, and I have to say, the anxiety levels I felt before giving birth were parallel to what yours are now.

I don't mean to sound pedantic, but truly, please look after your health in this.

Honey always caught more flies than vinegar, smart like a fox and all that stuff.

Here's a joke I heard the other day:

Whats the difference between a consultant and God?

God doesn't think he's a consultant.

He won't get to stay if it's not hospital policy. He'll know all about NHS policies and how they apply to everyone.

LOL @ paolosgirl!

My ex was a consultant. Come to think of it, two of them were. Both were also sons of prominent physicians. But neither would have taken on such an attitude, I daresay. Besides, I'd have kicked their ass had they gone of all half-cocked like that at someone cuz it's just plain uncalled for.