OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

[Highlander]

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

expat are you seriously saying that highlander should not have her dh there because other women can't?
sorry, I just don't get that at all

sorry, hc, but i find statements like 'he knows how to handle nurses and midwives and their protocols' and 'it's the nurses that hold up or even obstruct patient care' condescending, patronising and offensive to those highly-trained staff who provide such valuable healthcare.

no, they're not all perfect, yes, they're overstretched and there are many bad experiences, but such attitudes sow a sort of us v. them mentality that only furthers bad morale and ill treatment.

JK Rowling gave birth at ERI, and her doctor husband went home. she did hire a private, independent midwife who was licensed to practice there to stay w/her. it is an option for those who have the wherewithal.

it's 24 hours! not the rest of their lives.

the real problem of course is that we can't all have the privacy and peace 'n' quiet we feel we deserve after birth. The NHS and all that.

But it isn't going to stop me fighting for it. That's how progress is made for everyone.

kids herself she is a crusader. Emily Pankhurst move over

what i meant was that when i was in with my last ds there was a lady in there whos husband had been killed during pg now i know that is not our fault but i felt for her while all of out dh/dp were there

i can see the point of both sides

i'm saying it is POLICY, hc. the NHS is a one size fits all. it is socialised medicine. as such, things have to be cut to fit as best they can.

don't know where she is giving birth, but do know that at some hospitals, partners are not all there to help. and that i for one would NOT have felt comfortable w/partners on the ward at night.

but it's those first 24 hours that heavily influence bonding, establishemnet of BF etc - thus affecting the rest of our lives. Other mum's experiences shared here I feel reinforce that point of view.

I don't have an "us and them" attitude. DH works 200% every day to make sure his patients get the best of care (his mantra is, 'if this was my dad'...). He doesn't do this alone. He's lucky to work with some top notch nurses etc. He's also unlucky to have some totally duffer doctor collegues (honestly), and nurses. He feels that since becoming a consultant and being involved in setting up a new service, it's the nurses that are most obstructive, alongside management. Please don't get the impression that we're the middle class "doctory" family.

I want the best birth experience. I'll go through offical complaints channels in advance to highlight what I perceive is a glaring hole in post-partum care. At the end of the day though, I'm not a martyr - I'll get DH to pull strings if he has to. He'll hate it, it'll be me pushing him.

I'm sick of hearing how overstretched they are. The midwives at my hospital spent the bulk of their time sitting on their arses in their office, eating, making personal telephone calls and slagging off the women in their care. They were slipshod, nasty and dim, not overstretched.

I don't think Highlander's comments are offensive or patronising. She's just being realistic about trying to squeeze a bit of decent care out of a lousy system.

Hey, I'm just some pleb w/an opinion. Don't mind me! Have to say, tho, that I'm glad this is all in the past for me, b/c I'm one those those who would NOT have been happy w/partners on the ward, be they junkies, doctors or the new Messiah, and I've developed a very effective way of getting my point across involving large pots of honey and a lot of arse-kissing.

The best way to piss someone off is to a) call them a liar flat out - none of this 'less than forthcoming w/what may have transpired' 'displays an inability to recall events as they occured' business b) name drop - not necessary c) threatening to pull rank - again, entirely unecessary d) be bellicose and demanding.

ooh, expat you're a Scot now - the use of 'pleb' in everyday conversation. Of course, using 'ned' might earn free lifetime membership of the SNP

well, sadly, there is some ned/nedette presence in many postnatal wards .

Highlander - I haven't read the whole thread so I apologise if I'm repeating anyone but I totally understand where you're coming from. Ds was born by cs under a general and the first night afterwards dh went home. And it was pretty awful. I couldn't sit up properly to pick him out of his cot when he cried so ended up dragging him out by his arm. It didn't even occur to me to call the midwife to help, I was still so befuddled. After I had him out of the cot I attempted to bf (unsuccesfully) then slept fitfully with him next to me all night (probably v dangerous). The next night I was so upset and emotional at the thought of doing it again that they put up a campbed for dh and it was wonderful. That said, I had a private room. I didn't pay for it, I was just lucky that it was free at the time and they let me use it.
With my second pregnancy I was obsessed with getting a private room again and asked about it at my first midwife appointment but she was very vague. As it happened I didn't need a cs and had dd early in the day, allowing an afternoon discharge. I didn't even see the wards.
Even if dh could stay with me this time I don't think he'd be able to as we live much further from the hospital now and I'd probably feel better if he was home looking after ds and dd. Although I reserve the right to retract that statement in 6 months!

in my hospital dads can only stay if baby is in scbu. you all get your own rooms unless you have a c/s, in that case they put you in a double room with somebody else who's had a c/s (in case you suddenly become very ill the other person can call for help). i prefare dp not to be there as he snores. he won't even be at the birth as he'll be looking after dd (she has special needs). it doesn't bother me as i'll have my mum with me and once we're home i know dp will worship me. there are visiting hours in the hospital but dp can come in very early and leave very late, it's not as good for other visitors though. also only your own children (maximum of four) are allowed into the hospital.

If your in a private room I dont think it matters. But if your not, the rule is there for a reason, its a scary time for lots of women with their bodies doing things that they have never done before, a lot or women I'm sure would feel very very uncomfortable with a man sleeping in the same room as them, I know I would. I do understand your concerns, having a baby was the first time that I and dh had been seperated at night, but I wouldnt consider him staying in hospital with me. I think it was also important for him to get a good night sleep so he would be better placed to support me when I came home.

He is now so close to both my dd's, I sometimes feel left out - certainly did not effect bonding at all.

He is now so close to both my dd's, I sometimes feel left out - certainly did not effect bonding at all.

Didn't affect DH's bond w/the girls, either. He was a SAHD for the first two years of DD1s life and will be staying home during the day for DD2 as well once I go back to work.

He has a really strong bond w/both of them.

I have a very, very close relationship w/my father and he wasn't in the delivery rooom when I was born back in 1971 by c/s. Or for the 10 nights my mum was in hospital w/us.

highlander, I totally understand how you feel. I would have been totally devasted to be separated from my dh during those first 24 hours for very similar reasons, bonding, support as you recover from the birth - and just those precious moments with your new baby.

Do you mind me asking why it is that you are having a cs? I can see that you had a cs with your first child.

Fighting for what is right???? Oh grow up. The NHS is a fantastic, free service for everyone, and the wife of a consultant jumping up and down and demanding her dh gets to stay overnight is not going to suddenly magic a swathe of private rooms - plus I certainly wouldn't have wanted strange men in my postnatal ward.

If you don't like what the NHS can offer, go private, and stop moaning. Honestly.

But I'm sure that if you really need a private room, and they have one available, you will get it.

My mom works on a maternity ward and she often has door duty wheer she basically lets people in and out etc.

The amount of people that kick of because she won't let them in out of visiting hours is disgusting and if she bends the rules for one dad then she'd have to do it for all.

Amazingly it is not usually the dads that complain it's the mothers of the woman or the mil's.

I have to say Highlander that is does sound like you may need to go private, as paolosgirl suggests. Either a private hospital or an independant midwife who will stay with you and be your support for the first 24 hours.

I do agree that it is not fair on other women (on a shared ward) to insist that your dh stays as many of them may feel uncomfortable with that, see no problem with it if you have a private room....hospital may not see it that way though!

I asked the reason for your cs because I wondered if it was an elective, or for medical reasons. I don't have a problem with women requesting cs - its your birth choice and your right - but I do feel that if you are choosing to have your baby by cs then you do need to accept some of the things that go with that - e.g. needing to stay in hospital, needing a bit of extra help in the first few weeks and in this case being separated from your dh during the night.

I feel very sympathetic towards that women who have had a medical complication in their pregnancy, have a baby that is ill and/or been in labour for many hours and then had an emergency cs and are then separated from their partners. But I do think if you are planning this operation and know you will be well rested you have a bit of an advantage and you might need to accept and respect the hospitals policy, in the same way that they are obviously accepting and respecting your birth choice.

I wanted to spend my first night as a mother with my baby and his father together, and subsequently when I had my second child I did not want to be separated from my husband or my son - but for us to be a family and be together - sharing the experience and the tasks that go with it! For these reasons I had my babies at home.

Obviously you can ignore this if your cs is unavoidable for medical reasons.

On the point of private rooms and maybe getting one because your dh is a consultant, as some posters have discussed, IME this is probably true. When I had dd, my mum's boss came to visit me- they work at same hospital. I didn't realise just how important mum's boss was until after the visit a MW said to me "Oh we didn't realise your mum worked here, we have a private room"!! I had enquired and been told they didn't have any, had not played on my link to boss (who really is high up, beyond consultants). So I think that age old assumption "it's not what you know it's who you know" is correct in this instance. Not how it should be- and yes, I took up the offer

Interesting thread. I had a rotten first night in hospital - agonising urinary retention that wasn't adequately dealt with till change in mw shift in the morning - I was told by desk mw to have a shower and/or take paracetamol(!) but I don't think that DH presence would have been any help as he's even less inclined to challenge authority figures than me! I think in most cases the problem doesn't appear to be that people actually are that desperate for their DH to be present, more that it's due to lack of confidence in the overnight care.

I know just how you feel highlander. Missed dh sooo much when he was booted out at 10pm. It was a difficult birth as I was induced following meconium in waters (had planned lovely serene water birth at the home from home birth centre at STH but alas it wasn't to be). Ds cried constantly and was permanently attached to my nipples. Didn't have a clue what I was doing. Midwives never came to check even when ds was yelling for ages. I had to take my cannula out myself as the m/w didn't return to do it after the medication round. It was bloody awful. Had to wait til 3pm following day before I could go home. I then slept for two hours for the first time in 40 hours. Heaven.

Message withdrawn

as to the bonding issue - dd1 was in ICU and then SCBU for three weeks - dh got a quick cuddle when she was first born and I got to see her - that was it until the next day when I got to look at her in the humidicrib. IT was not until day 3 that we actually got to hold her. Both of us have bonded with her - she is our babe - and is a real daddy's girl - so there was no problem bonding for us.

I am glad dh did not stay for dd2 - the woman next to me was in for antenatal care due to concerns with her pregnancy. Her family was 12 hours drive away caring for her children and she and her dh had separated whilst she was pregnant. I felt bad enough having dd2 around and tried to not show her off too much - knowing how much the other lady was missing her children and was worried about her unborn child. I am sure it would have been worse had dh stayed there with me - as she was still coming to terms with the separation and the fall out from that. I really felt for her.

Crikey - the postnatal wards would be pretty well packed out if everyone insisted on their other half staying the night! It's the best, free care - main priority delivering a healthy baby, mum and babs OK and well - it's not a hotel service. I wouldn't have wanted my other half staying the night - or anyone elses for that matter - sleeping with a load of strangers. Different if you happen to have a problem with mum or baby. It's supposed to be a time for resting - how can you do that with strangers on the ward! If you're husband's a consultant - pull strings - deliver at the Portland or somewhere else suited. Save the debate for someone who really needs it - poorly mums and babs.