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Childbirth

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Original poster

OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

514 replies

Highlander · 14/02/2006 11:39

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

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Tipex · 15/02/2006 12:02

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Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 12:14

tipex - I'm having a CS again.

I'm flabberghasted that the message is sent out to parents that parenting is a woman's job - men have no role other than to 'visit' at a time that suits the midwives, not the family. It's so stupid. You're so emotionally and physically vulnerable in those first 24 hours. I needed DH the last time; it was so nice that we were all together as a family in the first 24 hours.

Well, one thing is for sure - he will be staying!!

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gingernutlover · 15/02/2006 12:23

after my postnatal exp I would def go for a private room if I had to stay in - at least then you can sleep when baby does instead of laying there listening to the other babies screaming all night. The ward where I had dd was extremely big and busy, 24 beds all full and I hated it when dh had to go home at night but think it was the noise more than anything else - sure this started my PND as dh said that it felt like another woman had taken over my body the next morning!

oR if poss don't stay the night, this would be my rpeferred option.

anniemac · 15/02/2006 12:27

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Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 12:40

it's patronising for units to say that security is an issue. If it is an issue, then hospital shoudl introduce measures so that families feel safe.

annie - again, fathers are not "visitors". They're parents, and parenting doesn't happen between 9am and 8pm. It's 24/7 and they should be actively encouraged to hit the ground running so to speak. Not all families will want this, but women like me should not be left in a vulnerable, terrifying position so soon after giving birth. It's a barbaric attitude.

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Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 12:46

I found the whole experience of being forcibly separated from my family while my baby was in SCBU and I was seriously ill and in pain profoundly depressing. It was like being in prison, or worse still, like being back at boarding school. The midwives treat the women in their care as shoddily as they like - you civil rights are suspended for the duration of your stay in an NHS maternity facility. I needed my husband and may baby's father with me while I waited anxiously for my baby to either get better or die. I needed loving and understanding help to go to the toilet and shower and see my baby, not brutal contemptuous cyborgs who accused me of malingering and left me alone for hours in pain. The husbands of women giving birth are not "strange men" any more than the other women are "strange women", or the doctors and midwives anre "strangers". They are parents too, and should have access to their babies and their babies' mothers at this very emotional time.

doormat · 15/02/2006 12:53

Greensleeves tbh I have been in your position but would not of wanted dh to stay, I begged to be discharged so my dh and I could be there for our baby (even though we were both allowed in SCBU any time day or night but we couldnt stay iykwim)
You are right it is depressing
highlander yes you are vulnerable and depressed
but imo the hospital is not a hotel.
What is good for one, is good for another.
Agree with anniemacs post.

Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 12:59

No-one is suggesting it is a hotel - my hospital wouldn't have got many stars for hospitality - but it isn't a women's correctional facility either. I couldn't be discharged early because I was almost as ill as my baby and would have been risking my life by leaving against advice. I was treated appallingly and DH was banned from seeing his own child unless I was with him! I was in so much pain I couldn't turn over in bed without help. I found it terrifying, really terrifying, being left by DH overnight when I knew I couldn't trust the midwives to give me the help I needed. I remember my son's birth and its aftermath as a period of misery , anger, powerlessness and fear. It needn't have been like that. DH had to go home every evening knowing that he was leaving his wife in tears alone with people who didn't give a toss, and not knowing whether his baby would still be alive when he returned in the morning. He didn't feel like a father. It's so terribly sad and unnecessary.

doormat · 15/02/2006 13:04

Greensleeves I would personally in your position put in a formal complaint to the hospital. That is so unfair the way your dh was treated. It just goes to show how things differ in different parts of the country.
We were told our ds2 was not going to live past the weekend and was very depressed, but we could both visit whenever we liked and for how long we liked.

anniemac · 15/02/2006 13:05

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Bozza · 15/02/2006 13:08

Greensleaves while I disagree with you on the issue of partners staying in hospital I must say that I think it is truely appalling that your DH was not allowed to see his child in SCBU without you being there. That is dreadful.

anniemac · 15/02/2006 13:09

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Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 13:24

There are already hundreds of mixed wards in NHS hospitals though. I have been on lots of them, seeing blokes going to the loo with their bottoms hanging out, no privacy, snoring and farting all night (and that's just the women) IMO the right of families to be together following the birth of their child, especially if that child/the mother is in danger or serious pain, is one of the only scenarios in which it would be acceptable to have men and women staying together. How would you like to be a new father and receive a call at home to say that your child passed away during the night, and your wife was able to be there but you weren't, because it was outside visiting hours? Those of you who have said "no exceptions", do you include that? Because that is what my DH was facing. We were lucky, thankfully. Mixed surgical/general wards don't have the any of the same justifications at all, and yet there they are.

eidsvold · 15/02/2006 13:31

i find it interesting greensleeves that your hospital banned parents from seeing children in SCBU without the mother present. Our dd1 was in SCBU and ICU for three weeks and dh was able to call and visit when he felt like it. He did not need me with him.

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 13:32

I don't think that, in general, people like mixed wards much.

I know that amongst the elderly they are disliked

doormat · 15/02/2006 13:33

Greensleeves your dh was treated disgustingly, as I said before I would put in a formal complaint as that is not on.
Surely like in childrens wards a parent place can be offered in SCBU.
As for parent places in childrens hospitals ds2 had to go to Alder Hey for op and we were offered the floor (we decided to go home)
But if we apply all these what ifs wouldnt it apply to say for example couples who have been married 50 yrs, should they stay overnight with their partners,who have been admitted, I just dont think it is practical.

eidsvold · 15/02/2006 13:35

i think it just goes to show that there is no uniformity within the NHS - it is obviously up to the hospital to decide what happens.

Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 13:36

Yes, mixed wards are a nightmare. Being in hospital is a nightmare. It just seems so stupid that in the only situation where it actually makes any sense to have men and women in the same room, they ban it outright... and yet they impose it elsewhere in the NHS against people's will.

Maybe I should complain about him being barred from SCBU without me. He was gutten. But we were so overwhelmed by all the other ill-treatment, negligence, cruelty and imcompetence that we never did anything about any of it. We just wanted to get our baby out of there and take him home.

Greensleeves · 15/02/2006 13:37

gutted, not gutten... Is that Middle English?

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 13:37

I got to stay in with dd over the weekend, they put up a bed beside hers.

One poor wee baby didn't get a single visitor all the time I was in there.....a day and a half, poor lamb was so poorly and only about 2 months old.

lahdeedah · 15/02/2006 13:37

AnnieMac - I had a private room in an NHS hospital and they still insisted my DH leave at 8pm, even though he was just quietly sitting in the chair next to my bed, helping me out when I needed it. That just doesn't make sense to me, for all the reasons given by Highlander and Greensleeves.

Highlander - I wish you the very best of luck. I do hope it all works out well for you - and if it does, can you do me a favour and let me know which hospital you are in - so that I can move to where you live and book in there for baby #2!!

doormat · 15/02/2006 13:38

stayed in mixed wards but men and women are put in different bays, never seen them in same room

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 13:38

I think it is horrific what happened to you re the scbu....heartless

Normsnockers · 15/02/2006 13:40

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Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 13:42

I have written to UNICEF to ask how valid a baby-friendly award is when mums clearly don't have 24hour partner support if they want it.

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