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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

514 replies

Highlander · 14/02/2006 11:39

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

kreamkrackers · 17/02/2006 11:29

expatinscotland you have a very good memory.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2006 11:33

Only b/c I have opted to delay having DD2 vaccinated till she is 3 months - she was supposed to go in today but she's got a cold - and so I was researching vaccine threads.

Came across that.

Seems to me that when it comes to everyone else, we should all be good little sheep and do exactly what the NHS tells us. But when it comes to certain people, if they don't like the policy, it's okay to jump up and down and demand changes.

Normsnockers · 17/02/2006 11:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Highlander · 17/02/2006 11:56

sorry, expat I don't get that - honestly. If you're trying to say that I'm saying 'yah boo sucks' to everyone who feels bullied into following the current vaccination schedule, then that's not the case. From what I remember (haven't checked the thread), I did make the point that the govt would have to invest billions in a proper research trial to identify those who may be at risk from neurodegeneration following a vaccine. The MHS isn't perfect - sometimes it suits us as individuals, sometimes it doesn't. That's the price we pay for a socialist model of healthcare (which I'll always vote to keep). I was happy to follow the vaccination schedule, as I didn't feel their was any hard evidence that I shouldn't (despite initial misgivings). DS is fine after his vaccines - but, despite the scientist in me, I do feel their is a huge element of good luck in this, that we've 'got away' with it. So, yes, my current grip is post-natal care - but I'm the first to admit that it all could have been different and I might have been fighting for vaccination research instead.

That doesn't mean to say we shoudln't fight to improve what we as individuals perceive to be gaps in standards of care in the NHS. I would happily pay an extra 10p/£ to invest in the NHS - Jimjams would get her much-wanted quality research into identifying infants at risk from vaccination, I would get my improved standards in maternity care and you Expat might get improved care for PND. Everyone's priorities are different and there's only a limited pot of cash. Yeah, some people are going to suffer - but that doesn't mean we should stop fighting for what we want. No-one should.

This thread has elements of a witch-hunt in it. This isn't real-life - I'm trying not to feel hurt....... I'm pregnant y'know - I'm no different to anyone else searching for a good birth. My priorities are clearly different from some people and are in line with others. Healthy debate is well, healthy. Some of the vitriol here is horrible.

OP posts:

Blandmum · 17/02/2006 11:58

I think that it is human nature to find it easier to be nice to people who are kind to you. Nothing to do with buttering up people. Please and thank you costs nothing and makes everyone's days a little easier.

Nurses and doctors can come under a lot of abuse. I can see why some of them get peed off with it.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2006 12:04

Oh, but writing things like 'he knows how to handle nurses and midwives and their protocols' and implying that nurses get in the way of things and such isn't vitriolic to others?

Honestly, I don't like what's on offer from the NHS in some cases, so I have to pay to go private. I'm having to work extra at one of my jobs to pay for the Prevenar vaccine, for example.

Such is life!

Original poster

Highlander · 17/02/2006 12:27

TBF expat, that comment wasn't aimed at anyone, yet I got personal vitriol (well, as much as you can on a website, eh? )

what's the deal with the vaccine - wasn't it in the news? or was it a 'here's what's coming in 5 years' kind of thing?

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 17/02/2006 12:28

Hey Highlander - where do you live?

Original poster

Highlander · 17/02/2006 12:31

Newcastle. I thought coming down South would be warmer. Ha

OP posts:

CarolinaMoon · 17/02/2006 13:16

Highlander, you might be fighting for what you want, but don't kid yourself you're fighting for what we all want.

Personally, I'd be very happy indeed to see much smaller p/n wards with much better staffing levels, but where's the funding for that going to come from?

Unless we all get single rooms (and I'm not sure I fancy that either), I deffo don't want other people's partners sleeping in my ward.

intergalacticwalrus · 17/02/2006 13:32

Personally, I was glad that DP went home overnight. I was in for 3 days, I didn't sleep, and it was v nice to come home to DP who wasn't sleep deprived and as fresh as a new dad can be.

batters · 17/02/2006 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kreamkrackers · 17/02/2006 13:38

my dd is 21 months old and they came around with a trolley of bottles, i was so glad to say i was bf, but got a strange look as i was 19 at the time i think everyone expects you at that age to bottle feed!

tomkat · 17/02/2006 13:55

When I had my ds nearly 4 years ago, he arrived just after midday. There were no complications, and we were both fine.
That night however, we were put on a ward that was aptly named M6 (I kid you not). Visiting time ended, ds was fast asleep, and all was well. I drew the curtains around my cubicle, there were 4 other Mums on the ward, and 2 on the side ward. I settled down for some sleep.
Well, at about midnight there was a right kerfuffle. Chairs scraped across the floor, and like Lonelymum, voices I didn't understand. There was about 15 very noisy people in the side ward. A young lad of about 17 came into my cubicle, copped an eyeful, and made off with my chair! Even though nothing horrible happened, I was so traumatised by the intrusion that I insisted on an amenity room (about £40/night) when dd was born. I would have had her at home, but had group b strep.
When I asked the mw why so many visitors were allowed in there, and after normal visiting time she replied "it's their culture" (both ladies in the side ward were Asian, and this apparrently was why they were both allowed more "privacy" than the rest of us). This led to ill feeling amongst the rest of us on the ward.

nailpolish · 17/02/2006 14:03

omg!

tiredemma · 17/02/2006 14:07

Tomkat- i know of something very similar happening at the childrens hospital where my best friend works.

Marina · 17/02/2006 14:18

I had a strange man walk into my amenity room late one evening, after ds was born, who had no business to be in there. He was "visiting", said he. It scared the sh*t out of me. I'm sure he was someone else's "lovely dh" but that was not how it looked to me at the time.
I think you have to go private if you have strong feelings on how the NHS works postnatally.
A bong was found in a postnatal unit loo in one of my local hospitals the other day. My own hospital had a security guard on the doors when I was in for dd, after a dad threw the entire furniture of their delivery room at staff and the police after threatening to kill his partner and their newborn. Two midwives were quite badly hurt.
It is just not safe for staff or women to have men staying overnight, and with NHS resources the way they are, that's not going to change any time soon.
Mumsnet may be full of sweet, helpful dps who would obviously not menace or hurt women recovering from birth, but life out there isn't.

Blu · 17/02/2006 14:37

I am in great sympathy with the issues around allowing men to stay over, and would not have liked some of the men I saw at visiting time to be there next to me all night...but what do you think of this? When DS was in hospital, DP and I took it in turns to stay overnight with him. A few times we had a single side room, but once he was one, he was in the bigger wards. DP was therefore in, alone, with other people's babies, girls up to the gae of 13...no staff permanently in the ward...

One night he comforted a howling toddler whose (unspeakable, IMO!) parents had left him alone overnight, another night he was absolutly horrified to be forced to over hear the conversation between a gynae consultant and a 13 year-old girl who had been sexually assaulted.

Should non-police-checked parents be allowed children's wards overnight?? How does it differ?

Angeliz · 17/02/2006 14:43

Oh Blu that is awful, it's so hard to get it right isn't it?
Plus, sorry to think like this but, if one of those children had made an allegation, your DP wouldn't have had a leg to stand on!
Awful to have to think like that i know, but especially in wity kids who have ben abused!
I do feel very sorry for the vast vast majority of lovely innocent men sometimes!

Marina · 17/02/2006 14:45

Crumbs Blu, your experiences of childrens' wards beggar belief, that's terrible, for all of you

Blu · 17/02/2006 14:55

Angeliz - I know. It's only this thread that has made me think of it in this way, tbh. Though I was very upset by the experience forced on the poor young girl. Of the four beds in the bay, separated only by those curtains, there was DP with DS, a 12 year-old boy opposite - who presumably heard the whole thing too, and another baby. Often left all by itself. Nurses were stationed in the nurses bay in the corridor, not in the wards with the beds. After that - and after another consultant made another pubescant girl walk along the corridor to see how her leg was, wearing only her post-operative open-at-the-back gown, DP didn't want to stay any more. Very distressing.

batters · 17/02/2006 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 17/02/2006 15:01

re 'shut the f**k up'!

When I had DS the woman in the next bed had a very friendly DH, and 6 more kids (possibly exaggerated) but even the constant friendly swooshing back of the curtains for him to introduce himself and admire DS etc, was too much disturbance for me, with 48 hours sleep to catch up on, and my tits and catheter drip on display...

Angeliz · 17/02/2006 15:09

at the thought of that little girl with her gown open. It irritates the hell out of me when adults assume children have no feelings or modesty!
This thread has really made me see how lucky i am with my Hospital. It took me about 2-3 hours to get any pain releif at all after dd2, (and then it was 2 paracetamol) but that's the worst thing i can say!

Blandmum · 17/02/2006 15:41

Dd and I spent sunday in hospital. Dh was away so I arranged for friends to have ds for me.

There was a baby in the opposite bed of about 2 months old. Not only did no-one stay over night with this poor little boy, no-one visited him for the day and a half that we were in the hospital. Other parents in the ward helped to keep the poor boy happy in the day, as he wailed and wailed for attention non stop. The nurses did what they could, whenever thay could but were short staffed.

Poor child

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