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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

514 replies

Highlander · 14/02/2006 11:39

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

harpsichordcarrier · 16/02/2006 21:13

aravinda
generally ante and post natal women were in different bays but on the same floor

kreamkrackers · 16/02/2006 21:14

wow i've only been away for a bit and this thread got really busy, i'm lost!

sharon1104 · 16/02/2006 21:16

I had a lovely birth with my daughter. She arrived at 18.10 and hubby was told to go home at 9 and by then i was so tired i was glad he went. With my son he came first thing in the morning so the worry of hubby staying over night wasnt a problem. I found the midwives to be very helpful. They came to feed my daughter at 3 in the morning and changed her nappy because i had an epidural. They work very long hours and should get a better wage and a lot more respect.

sparklymieow · 16/02/2006 21:25

I actually know someone who partner was banned from the hospital because he was abusive and threatening to the staff, the poor girl had to give birth alone and her partner wasn't allowed on the ward, imagine if he was allowed on the ward o/n.. I personally wouldn't want other people's partners there, seeing me sleep, catching a eyeful of me, standing there with blood pouring down my legs everytime i got up to go to the toilet (c/s with ds). All my babies were in SCBU, I got a private room when I had dd2 (my last baby) the other 2 times I was on a ward with 3 other woman.
I can understand that you would like your dh there, as I would have done, but I also can see the other side of the coin.
All my children were born in the early hours of the morning, DH was able to stay with me for a few hours (babies were taken to SCBU straight away) and helped me with bathing, eating and then he left so i could rest and then I was able to go to SCBU fullly rested.

frodo · 16/02/2006 21:25

Just before I had ds2, I had a major placenta previa, the SHO (just barely out of nappies), left me on the bed for two hours bleeding, if it wasnt for the midwife, i could have still been there. On my experiences I found the midwives great but as for the doctors(crap)

frodo · 16/02/2006 21:30

Spark- I know what you mean.

4blue1pink · 16/02/2006 21:37

just had baby number5 and had only stayed in with number 1 13 years ago. Was HORRIFIED that dh could not stay - asked for a private room and everything and they just said no....seems sooo archaic - lay awake counting minutes till he came back in morning. Odd - really odd!

threelittlebabies · 16/02/2006 21:39

Greensleeves and SorenLorenson- just wanted to say I am appalled and upset for you over your birth experiences with your first children, and amazed at your courage in going on to have another child. It must have been very frightening

julienetmum · 16/02/2006 23:31

I'm horrified at how nasty some of you on this thread have been.

I hated my first night in hospital after having dd. My buzzer WAS CONSTANTLY IGNORED. I banged her head on the plastic crib and was terrified. It took 2 hours for someone to come and check her over or even speak to me to reassure me it would be OK.

I had a homebirth 2nd time around but was threatened with induction as my waters broke. I had already decided that the only way I would agree to go into hospital was if dh could remain with me throughout. Luckily I went into labour naturally so didn;t have to test my resove out.

Highlander, my advice would be to totally freak out after the birth, crying, whaetever. Do whatever it takes to keep him with you. As you are having a c/s you can't really do what was my plan which was refuse to leave delivery but you shouldn't have to be separated. Don't let them get away with it. Challenge the system!

snowleopard · 16/02/2006 23:41

Haven't read whole thread but - I agree that it seems odd and unfair that DPs have to go home (felt so sorry for mine), but you can't get away from the security issue. There were only four beds on my ward but I would not have liked dropping off to sleep knowing that some of the dads I saw (and heard) were in the same room. The only answer is a private room or a home birth. Actually though I got the feeling that at my hospital they would have been flexible - if I had insisted DP stayed, they might have moved us to a private room. I think that because I had a CS and it was borderline "traumatic" and also - I hate to say this - because the midwives liked us - they said so - and I noticed they did priorotise us. So Highlander, suck up to them, be easy to deal with, and ask nicely (and quietly) if there's any chance of moving to a private room and letting DH stay with you because you really need him there. Might work.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2006 23:52

So Highlander, suck up to them, be easy to deal with, and ask nicely (and quietly)

Exactly, snow! Honey always catches more flies than vinegar. At least, that's always been my experience.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2006 23:54

Don't forget that all-important 'thank you' gift to the staff for all their valuable support - flowers, chocolate, etc.

It's those little touches that count.

DH would stop by the station on the way to my room daily when I had DD1 with goodies - donuts, cakes, etc.

Do onto others and all that stuff . . .

misdee · 16/02/2006 23:56

sprakylmieow, i think you and peter stayed with me in delivery room for a good couple of hours after i had serena, you helped me a great deal, but all the same i wouldnt want someone elses dp staying overnight on the ward.

sparklymieow · 16/02/2006 23:59

I had dh and mum with me after i had ds, dh and dsis with me for dd1 and dh and mum for dd2, for a couple of hours afterwards on the deliverly suite.

expectingsummerihope · 17/02/2006 00:13

I would've been happy to top and tail with dh in my single bed or have him kip on the chair next to my bed. That doesn't cost more money. Granted it doesn't solve the security nor the privacy issues but maybe the women who raised these points actually felt safe. Tbh I didn't. I didn't see or hear any midwives apart from once when the night medication round was due. So from 3.30am til 15.00 the following day I saw a m/w once. My buzzer was ignored. My screaming baby did not summon their attention. I am since told that STH birth centre is chronically understaffed (60 beds and only 5 staff). If this is true, it's very sad and I sympathise with the staff. That doesn't change the fact that it's a poor experience for the patient. I was so exhausted and was terrified of falling asleep whilst nursing my ds (the bed had no sides so was scared I would fall asleep and drop him) but every time I put him in the crib he yelled. Nailpolish, I am a nurse and I sympathise with the way you were treated. I agree with greensleaves however in that we are entitled to say how disillusioned we have been with our birth experiences. Imo it is when we are most vulnerable. Although I had an epidural I would've preferred to be carried upstairs at home rather than staying on the ward. The hospital would not allow this however and insisted I stay til being checked out the following day. I pray for a homebirth next time.

expectingsummerihope · 17/02/2006 00:15

sorry to hijack thread, but how are you expat? Is baby sleeping better?

misdee · 17/02/2006 00:17

'if they can throw away money on outrageously expensive cardiological treatments for people who insist on smoking and overeating, then they can find money to focus on modern post-natal care and breastfeeding initiatives. '

Peters condition isnt bought on by smoking/overeating but by a virus or has possibly been there since birth. However, DCM can also be bought on by heavey drinking or exposure to industrial chemicals. Everyone has a right to life, even those who abuse their bodies.

In an ideal world they be enough single rooms for people to have their partners stay overtnightif they wanted. But this isnt an ideal world. There are reports most days of women fighting for a cancer treatment (herceptin??) and they cant get it becausde its a postcode lottery whether or not you can get it. VADS are expensive, and even then the people on them arent a prioity to get a transplant. Asthmatics dont get their inhalors FOC even tho if they dont have them they are at risk of dying. Drug addicts cant get into rehab if its not affecting their daily lives (a woman i know of, was addicted to herion but because she was able to care for her kids to had to fight tooth and nail to get into rehab).

Life sucks on the NHS.

sparklymieow · 17/02/2006 00:24

i couldn't even stay in hospital longer than 2 day when I had dd2, she was born at 33 weeks and was in scbu on a ventanor (sp?) she was tiny. Even with dd1 who was born at 31 weeks, and fighting for her life, i was only in for 1 day, because they didn't have the room. Luckily I only live over the road but I would have liked o stay in until I knew they were ok, but I coouldn't. DD1 nearly died a few times and I would have loved to be with her all the time and just going downstairs to sleep.

sparklymieow · 17/02/2006 00:26

there just isn't the space and resources on the NHS to be in hospital the whole time your child is in SCBU and unfortunely the same applies to partners being there too

Original poster

Highlander · 17/02/2006 08:27

how is Peter misdee? I think I might have missed any recent updates?

OP posts:

nailpolish · 17/02/2006 11:18

harpsi, how are agency staff unchecked? please explain. i was an (speciality) agency nurse for 4 years, and im interested in what your point is.

and also could someone please explain this 'cover their backs' comment? thanks

nailpolish · 17/02/2006 11:19

julienetmum - your advice is ridiculous. sorry.

expatinscotland · 17/02/2006 11:20

'The problem with our free NHS is that it has to work on a 'One Size Fits All' model of healthcare. 80% of the time this benefits us all, but there are individuals who receive sub-optimal care as a result. '

mumsnet thread

You said so yourself, Highlander. Now when it applies to you, you see how it feels.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/02/2006 11:22

my BIL works as an auxilliary for an agency np and has plenty of horror stoires to tell on this count

have you read that book by Polly Toynbee about her experiences working as a hospital porter? that was an eye opener too about how secure hospitals are

nailpolish · 17/02/2006 11:23

but you havent explained how they are unchecked. if he was unchecked it must have been a crap agency

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